Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

Dr. Dan Siegel introduced a phrase to help trauma survivors self-soothe entitled "Name it to tame it." It's vital we honestly name our emotions if we're going to find clarity, healing and ultimately self-compassion. The phrase isn't limited to self-soothing but also to helping our betrayed and unfaithful partners when they flood or are feeling immense triggers. While our own mental health is our responsibility, we can also use 'trauma-informed' keys to help others find healing. Survivors of infidelity and/or addiction are frequently bombarded by emotional upheaval, so finding a tool to help those in crisis is essential. "Name It to Tame It" is just that tool with life changing implications.

Understanding red flags in the life of the unfaithful spouse or partner serves two purposes. One, it can help the unfaithful understand how they are being perceived by their partner (and professionals) and assist them in understanding how their behavior is impacting their betrayed partner. Two, it can help the betrayed understand that what may seem like normal, usual behavior in both the marriage as well as the unfaithful partner is not normal at all. In fact, it can be alarming and indicative of significant issues in the life of the unfaithful which must be addressed in order for the relationship to find new life. Today, Samuel outlines a few key red flags in an attempt to help both sides of the affair find healing, compassion and new life.

"I don't even know who I am anymore" is one of the most common statements shared in therapeutic sessions after a spouse endeavors to heal from infidelity. They feel like they're losing themselves, or worse, have already lost themselves giving way to bouts of almost uncontrollable rage, anger and life changing trauma. The truth is, they just may be losing a version of themselves that needs to be grieved, buried and moved on from. Today Samuel shares a gritty yet compassionate discussion on how to find hope and healing again after infidelity, while discovering a new version of ourselves that just may be one of the biggest surprises of our lives.

After an affair, the lives of both the unfaithful and the betrayed are seldom ever the same. It can feel as though that version of themselves is gone forever and they're left without any hope of returning to who they were before the affair. Attempting to go back to one's old life after disclosure can feel impossible while trying to accept this new identity can also feel unreachable. Without a guide and without a plan, those in crisis can feel disoriented and lost, oftentimes succumbing to the temptation to lie down and give up. However, new life is always possible and new joy is attainable. Listen in as Samuel shares pivotal insight into finding new life as an unfaithful or betrayed.

After the disclosure of an affair or addiction, it's normal to feel like you're drowning in hopelessness, despair and outright chaos. Today Samuel not only provides validation to that trauma but a compelling direction for those who are trying to find a pathway to healing and new life. While providing a picture of courage and tenacity, today's video moves the viewer from drowning in hopelessness to a personal revival of self-worth, self-love and unflinching hope.

If a betrayed partner doesn't experience or see authentic empathy from their unfaithful partner, the recovery efforts of that unfaithful become suspect. "Maybe they are just trying to not lose me and/or the family?" "Maybe they don't want to change and heal, they just want to not talk about it and move on?" Those are just some of the questions the betrayed ask themselves. Today Samuel shares first hand perspective into what are 'empathy builders' and what are 'empathy blockers' in the life of the unfaithful and how to cultivate not only an empathetic heart but an empathetic life as an unfaithful spouse. Filled with insight for both betrayed and unfaithful, today's video is sure to encourage you on your journey towards personal and relational healing.

Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post infidelity recovery work it's not always easy to know who is exhibiting safe behavior and who is exhibiting unsafe behavior. Filled with humor, passion and grit, today's video reveals signs the unfaithful isn't quite serious about repair work.

When a spouse or partner is serious about repairing the damage of their affair or addiction on their loved ones, the simple truth is, you can see it. You can feel it in their voice, you see it in their demeanor and you notice it in their overall approach to recovery work. But what are those indicating signs and where can you find them? Today Samuel shares just a few but palatable signs that the unfaithful is growing, healing and actually doing work to heal the damage their choices have caused in everyone around them. While not an exhaustive list, it's a list from the foxhole of recovery that I'm sure you'll walk away from feeling encouraged, informed and comforted by a fellow survivor of infidelity.

The last thing any partner needs when trying to heal from infidelity is more wounding. The road to recovery is hard enough without any added complications and land mines to navigate. But how do you tell the difference between what is toxic and what is normal? How do you properly and compassionately understand your partner's response even though it may be harsh? Is it justified or is it just out of entitlement or rage? Today Samuel discusses four of the most prevalent toxic responses on the road to healing for both the unfaithful and betrayed

For decades betrayed partners have shared vehemently how they feel they are the ones having to console or care for their unfaithful partners after the disclosure of an affair. It's a thorn in the side of a generation of betrayed partners who feel like they are the true victims in this equation, yet they are paralyzed by an unfaithful partner who continues to make the situation more about them than the betrayed. Furthermore, any time the betrayed feels like they are not OK and show emotion, the unfaithful (in this particular situation) become distressed as well and oftentimes show their distress with defensiveness, anger, rage and deflection. Today Samuel pinpoints why unproductive and sometimes harmful reactions like this happen in the unfaithful and keys to help both parties resolve this toxic dilemma after the disclosure of affairs.

Last time in the studio, Samuel interviewed expert therapist and infidelity survivor, Amanda Asproni, on the defense mechanisms of the unfaithful spouses. Today they continue their interview but shift to defense mechanisms of the betrayed spouse. While the unfaithful are quick to utilize these deflections in an effort to reduce blame, shift focus and take the attention off themselves, the betrayed also utilize their own defense mechanisms. How they utilize them is a bit different and may come from a different mindset than the unfaithful, yet they are still defense mechanisms which must be addressed and helped if the couple has a chance at healing. Join Samuel and Amanda today as they have a pivotal discussion in the healing of couples in crisis due to infidelity or addiction.

For those of us who have been unfaithful, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we sometimes lack motivation to pursue help and do the hard work necessary after an affair. We struggle in being honest with others, our partner or spouse, and even ourselves. To avoid owning all of the blame for our affair(s) we will employ 'defense mechanisms'. These defense mechanisms not only delay our individual and relational healing, they cause more damage to the betrayed party and undermine the entire repair effort. Today you'll hear Samuel interview frequent guest therapist, Amanda Asproni, and discuss how these defense mechanisms undermine the entire affair recovery process.

When couples attempt to heal from infidelity or addiction, they're faced with many staggering truths that can make or break both their own recovery and the relationship. Today Samuel points a way through the smoke and malaise of denial and loss to clarity, courage and hope for the future.

After the disclosure of an affair, the betrayed partner can feel paralyzed. Especially if the unfaithful refuses to get help of any significant type and resorts to being elusive, ambivalent or resistant. Today Samuel shares an effective tool for the betrayed partner to consider utilizing in a situation where they feel as if they have little to no influence at all. While we can't control our unfaithful partner, we can use effective, time tested tools which can at the very least, get our unfaithful partner to take action or find themselves experiencing painful consequences that can make their reality less than ideal. While tools of this sort are no guarantee of healing or movement, we are not without help and hope while suffering the effects of betrayal trauma and addiction.

Trusting again after infidelity is no easy task for the betrayed partner. The unfaithful can spend an enormous amount of energy doing what they think will help regain trust with the betrayed, only to find themselves frustrated, confused and in some cases angry at the realization that the betrayed still doesn't trust them. To many outside the arena of affair recovery, trusting again seems impossible, yet to those who have walked the road of healing and restoration, trust is in fact possible. However, it's a new trust. No longer a naive trust that is unaware of the darkness of the unfaithful, but a trust built upon intimacy, honesty and ultimately safety. Today you'll hear Samuel share time tested insight into how the unfaithful can eventually regain trust and safety with their betrayed partner.

When trying to heal from infidelity or addiction, it's inevitable we will run into myths surrounding what healing from infidelity requires as well as what recovery 'should' and 'should not' look like. It's unfortunate that many who have been through this tragedy would make their experience everyone's experience by giving advice that's not 100% true or accurate or for everyone. Today Samuel shares a few common and destructive myths that both unfaithful and betrayed partners come in contact with, but don't have to remain imprisoned to.

It's a question the betrayed partner finds themselves asking time and time again: Is my unfaithful partner repairable? What betrayed partner wouldn't ask this question? While every situation is different, the answer can be crucial to the hope of the betrayed and the self-esteem of the unfaithful. Today you'll hear Samuel share pointed but compassionate markers on how to tell if the unfaithful partner is repairable or not. Rest assured, for those who are committed to healing and committed to doing the work necessary to heal themselves, healing and personal transformation are within reach.

Determining when the unfaithful partner is safe in recovery work can be confusing, daunting and just plain overwhelming. The good news is, there are metrics one can use to determine if the unfaithful party is serious about their individual recovery work as well as their primary relationship. The affair recovery process is not only possible but essential if a couple is going to overcome infidelity or addiction. The process requires a skillset that Samuel clearly defines and shares for those wondering if their partner is safe. Without a clear understanding of what a betrayed partner should be looking for, or what the unfaithful should be working towards, it's difficult to see a possibility of healing after an affair. Today you'll hear Samuel in his element sharing what to look for in your unfaithful partner as well as what should be happening in your own…

Last week, Samuel discussed a few signs that the unfaithful was unsafe in their own recovery process. This week, we look at ways the unfaithful can help the betrayed partner avoid self-sabotaging or undermining the recovery process for the relationship as a whole. While each situation is unique and challenging, Samuel and special guest and expert clinician Amanda Asproni share insight into navigating the tumultuous waters of recovery. Despite the fact that it can feel impossible to overcome communication challenges in repair work, there are helpful strategies that can support both partners, while leaving their self esteem and self image intact. Today, you'll find freeing, expert-driven help for those who are feeling stuck on the road to healing and understanding following infidelity.

Are you a betrayed partner reeling from infidelity, looking for signs to see if your unfaithful mate is taking steps to be safe? Have you ever wondered about what the markers of safety in affair recovery might look like in the first place? There are signs to look for that not only create a sense of safety between partners, but make the painful but necessary recovery process that much easier to wade through. Today you'll hear Samuel speak first to you, the betrayed partner, as he lays out signs that your spouse or partner may be unsafe. Samuel will then offer important insight for the unfaithful to use as a guidepost as they help and support their mate, who is in crisis from betrayal trauma. The good news is, while there is no easy button or silver bullet, there is a better path to healing.

Early on after discovery or disclosure of infidelity, it seems normal, and even expected, that the unfaithful is overwhelmed with grief, despair, and even shame. Then, enough time transpires and they are seemingly paralyzed by these emotions and more, leaving them self-absorbed and wallowing in their own pain. The difficulty arrives when the betrayed partner begins to wonder, when will they show remorse for what they've done, and for how their choices have affected their loved ones? To the untrained, inexperienced ear, the unfaithful's words and actions can seem normal, acceptable and even healthy. However, to the expert, it is apparent that the unfaithful is trapped inside their own self-preoccupation, alienating themselves from their betrayed partner, family, and close friends. It's essential that the unfaithful partner learns how to take the focus off…

After an affair, the unfaithful party can struggle with a tremendous amount of confusion and disorientation. Of course we know the betrayed can feel this way as well, but today Samuel is going to focus on a discipline that all wayward spouses can learn from: the view from the bottom. Borrowed from a commentary by Richard Rohr, Samuel shares the need for the unfaithful party to adopt and practice humility, both in their approach to life in general, and especially toward their betrayed partner and children. From attitudes of entitlement to self-preoccupation, unfaithfuls make the same mistakes time and time again, and it only sets them, and their relationships, back in spades. Listen today as Samuel shares hope for those who are trying to find a fresh start, both in life and in recovery work.

Making peace with our own past after an affair or addiction can seem impossible. Enter infidelity, and both partners can feel as though they are on an island, with no one to help support them and no one to make sense out of their pain, shame and hopelessness. However, as not only a survivor of infidelity but a healing guide, Samuel discusses an eye-opening experience he had that prompted both the need and the plan to make peace with his own troubled past. Today, Samuel provides direction, perspective and hope for those trying to make sense out of the collateral damage that has enveloped their lives.

Trying to save a relationship after an affair or addiction can be confusing, frustrating and downright excruciating. We often hear leaders or experts in the recovery process say that both couples and individuals need to do 'work' in order to heal and give the relationship a fighting chance. We also hear that, regardless of the status of the relationship, both unfaithful and betrayed partners need to do their own work. But, what is this 'work' they seem to be referring to? What does this 'work' look like specifically, on a grassroots level? Today Samuel shares examples of what this type of work looks like, and what is required to heal from life-changing trauma like infidelity and/or addiction.

Today, we at AffairRecovery.com are excited to share with you an interview with the esteemed Dr. Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW. Dr. Weiss is the Chief Clinical Officer of Seeking Integrity LLC, offering clinical programs that provide online education and residential treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex-addicted men and their families. A psychotherapist and addiction specialist, he has created six intimacy and addiction treatment programs in the US, Southeast Asia and for the US military. Dr. Weiss is also an online host for Digital Addiction on A&E, and has served as a subject-matter expert for major media outlets including CNN, NPR, and The New York Times. He is the author of eleven books, including Prodependence, Sex Addiction 101, and Out of the Doghouse. His Psychology Today blog, "Love and Sex in the Digital Age," has had over 21 million readers, while…

Have you ever reached a point in your own recovery, or in your relationship, where you thought to yourself: is this really as good as it's going to get? Maybe you've found yourself reasonably happy, but just not fulfilled with the repair work you've done? Like many, you may have also felt like you or your relationship were making great strides, showing ongoing momentum and promise, and now you feel stuck. You may find yourself on a plateau. Often, a plateau can be misinterpreted as an ominous sign that something is seriously wrong, when in fact, it may just be time for a minor tune up to your own repair work or your relationship's. In today's video, you may be relieved to hear that plateaus in recovery are 100% normal, and even to be expected. Today, Samuel shares down-to-earth suggestions on how to recognize plateaus in recovery work, as well as how to…

How many times have we experienced ups and downs in trying to save our relationship after infidelity? What about in our own personal repair work? The truth is, we typically will move two steps forward, three steps back as we try to heal from either our own destruction, or our partner's. Today Samuel brings a refreshing approach to accomplishing long-term, sustainable transformation, in both our own healing work, and possibly that of our relationship. We don't have to struggle to gain momentum forever in our own healing, and if we choose to salvage our relationship, we don't have to live in a state of constant turbulence or uncertainty. Today you'll hear crucial but palatable insight that can be applied to your own situation, from Samuel's own journey of sustainable transformation.

Do you or your partner shut down out of self protection in the middle of a discussion? If they do, or you do, there’s probably a reason behind it. It’s not always to punish the other partner, but may be due to a concept called ‘self-protecting.’ Oftentimes, when we’re in a discussion that we feel threatened by the tone, content, or expression of our partner, we can self protect and shut down, seemingly walling off the threat - aka, our partner. The unfaithful typically do this more than the betrayed, and without an understanding into why this shutdown happens, it can appear as though one partner is punishing the other, when it may not be true at all. Today, Samuel lays out a concrete understanding on why this may be happening in your relationship, and how to not only help minimize the shutdown, but create space to connect and heal as a couple.

It's a typical scenario: the betrayed wants or needs to talk, and the unfaithful just doesn't have it in them at the moment. Enter the phrase that appears to diffuse the situation, yet only exacerbates the entire process of healing: 'let's just talk about it later.' I'm sure you know the rest; the truth is, "later" very seldom ever comes. The unfaithful struggles to find their words and hold on to themselves, and not circle the drain in shame. The betrayed is pining away, needing to talk and process their hurt and pain with their mate or partner, but is denied this opportunity to connect and emote. The result is often frustration, disconnection and eventually, rage. Yet, it doesn't have to be this way; both betrayed and unfaithful alike can create safety for each other to share their pain and hurt in a way that is gracious and unaccusing. Today, Samuel…

Previously, Samuel interviewed Michael Webb to discuss a scenario between an unfaithful male and a betrayed female, and how developmental trauma affects both inner and outward conversations with our spouse. Today, Samuel follows up with Michael with the roles reversed: an unfaithful female with a betrayed male partner. Without an understanding of our wounded inner selves, we end up transmitting our pain, instead of transforming it. This typically ends in disaster, causing more and more disconnection between the couple. Today, you'll hear insightful and experienced insight into how to navigate difficult conversations with our spouse or partner, while also gaining a deeper understanding into the complex world of trauma care.