Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

For couples who are attempting to heal after an affair, it's a common struggle that one partner feels the need to manage the other's recovery or repair work. Maybe this sounds familiar: "Are you reading? Did you go to therapy? Did you see that article I sent you? Did you talk to your accountability partner today? Did you watch that new video?" While a normal temptation, the result is typically immense frustration and disconnection by both parties, not to mention a feeling of being mothered or fathered to no end. No matter what side of the infidelity they are on, no one likes to feel controlled. The good news is, there is a better way. Today, Samuel shares insight into why the controlling approach doesn't work, and what to do if you're looking for help in this all too common scenario.

Rejection is an awful thing to deal with, whether it be from adolescence, high school, or years later from our significant other or spouse. Enter infidelity or addiction, and the rejection monster seemingly sprouts seven other heads. If we are going to move beyond the initial devastation of infidelity, it’s vital that we understand our need for a game plan to process through the painful litany of emotions and overall responses we've probably exhibited. The good news is, there is a way through, and there is a healthy approach for survivors of infidelity to utilize and rely on for clarity and healing. Today, Samuel lays out his own game plan that helped him heal and overcome his own devastation of rejection.

I can't count how many times I've said to myself "If I knew then, what I know now... healing would have been so much easier." If there is a missing link to the process of healing from infidelity or addiction, I'm certain that one of the top candidates is developmental trauma. But how do you discover what is and was developmental trauma versus what was just being a child and going through stuff? We're all in luck today, as you'll meet a therapist, a best friend of Samuel and expert healing guide, Michael Webb. Michael and Sam will take one particularly common scenario and break it down for both parties on both sides of the infidelity, to understand not only what's happening, but how to diffuse it. Today can be a great start to the understanding of your own developmental trauma on the road to healing.

It seems like it would be a no-brainer, that after disclosure, the unfaithful spouse would display significant empathy and compassion for the betrayed spouse in their pain. While understandable and reasonable, it's simply not always the case. But why is that? After a spouse has been unfaithful, betrayed their partner, and broken their heart, why would they further traumatize the betrayed partner, with blaming, accusation, anger, and indifference? While it may seem counterintuitive, the truth is, this scenario happens far more often than victims of infidelity realize. Today, Samuel shares insight into the mind of the unfaithful partner, and why compassion and empathy are not always immediate in the mind of the unfaithful.

One of my favorite authors, Richard Rhor, states over and over again in his writings that we can choose to 'transmit our pain... or transform our pain.' I've seen me at my worst, and I can be an expert at transmitting my pain to friends, family, innocent bystanders, umpires, you name it. I've also experienced the rich and lasting feeling when I have been able to see my own inner pain transformed into a vessel to help others heal. When we rage at others, and when we lash out at our significant others or family members, we're transmitting our pain. When we refuse to take ownership of our own inner trauma and project it onto others, we're transmitting our pain. Alternatively, when we can take our pain and learn from it, absorb it, and use it for good in our own lives first, we are transforming our pain. I hope today's video helps you in your own journey of…

It's quite easy for couples to address life, marriage, and even recovery after infidelity or addiction with a transactional approach - "let's just fix this and move on.” Yet, this transactional approach to repair work never leads to a transformative experience, typically resulting in a 'go along to get along' mentality. When couples hit this point, restoration is extremely difficult, and true healing remains elusive. A rewarding repair work process must transcend the transactional "you do this, I do this, and we make this work, void of joy and excitement.” When we remain stuck in a transactional approach to recovery, we typically experience a range of frustrating, debilitating emotions, keeping us in basic survival mode, real satisfaction out of reach. However, when we can identify where we are taking a transactional approach to change, we…

Rick Reynolds, the founder and lead therapist at AffairRecovery.com, oftentimes says we learn far more from failure than we can ever learn in success. It's a principle that can be applied in everyday life, and specifically, in recovery from infidelity or addiction. How we handle failure can determine our next phase of life, and our next phase in maturity. After an affair, the last thing we need to do is cause more pain, to our spouse or to ourselves, and as unfaithfuls, finding new life and new hope for our future is paramount. Today, Samuel shares a poignant and much-needed discussion with unfaithfuls about their future, their moral failure, and, if they are willing to do the recovery work, their potential to heal.

Today you'll hear five key factors that can either stall your recovery or actually speed it up. That's right; you did read that correctly: your healing can be accelerated if you utilize these five key principles and tools. Alternatively, if you choose to ignore these tools, your own repair work will most likely be stalled out. Surviving infidelity is not impossible, but it does require proven strategy from those who have had to climb out of their own pit and do the heavy lifting. While our significant other's healing is not within our control, our own healing and our repair work certainly are. As you take this journey with Samuel today, we hope you'll find healing, practical insights, and rejuvenation in your own recovery. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and…

Emotional boundaries are essential if a couple is going to survive the upheaval of infidelity or addiction. A boundaryless recovery will exacerbate all parties, including children, extended family, and even mental health professionals attempting to help. Utilizing emotional boundaries in everyday life can be hard enough, and to expect that the use of these boundaries will be easy in dealing with infidelity would not only be unrealistic, but inconsiderate of the pain and trauma we encounter early in life. However, with the right process and healing guides, emotional boundaries can serve as guideposts to help partners navigate through the complexity involved with protecting themselves from further damage. Today Samuel will share principles, personal mistakes, and eye-opening experiences from his own life to help those on both sides of the infidelity or…

For decades, mental health professionals have stressed the need to have a healthy self-image in life. From self-love, to self-actualization, how we see ourselves is a true game changer, not only in our primary relationships, but also in life. How much more should our self-image be repaired after the disclosure of infidelity? After betrayal trauma enters the picture, our lives seem to completely unravel, and we find ourselves looking for any handle to hold onto in order to merely survive. As we begin to find our footing again after discovery or disclosure, we're in need of concrete strategies to heal and find meaning and purpose again, especially if the relationship doesn't survive. Today you'll hear five ways to repair our self-image after an affair, for both the unfaithful and the betrayed partner. EMS Weekend Cover more ground faster…

On the path of beginning to heal a relationship after infidelity, oftentimes in the middle of a fight, a spouse or partner may not know what they need in that moment. They don’t know if they need answers, comfort, direction, or to have their hand held. Science says it takes 1/200th of a second for the betrayed spouse to flood emotionally. The triggers and onslaught of emotions can come on so quickly, that a partner can be lost for understanding what they need. Enter the unfaithful, perhaps genuinely trying to help the betrayed, but clueless on how to support them in their pain or hurt. They try X; it fails miserably. They try Y; it goes from bad to worse. It can leave both parties reeling in despair, wondering if there is any practical hope to heal. Today Samuel shares a tool he learned in his own therapy session that can help both partners heal, while…

It's no secret that infidelity is traumatizing. But what about childhood trauma? What about neglect and/or abuse as a child? The hard truth is, healing from all levels of trauma is difficult, and infidelity trauma doesn't help. When trying to heal from this type of pain, it's vital we have practical tools that we can use to find solace and ultimately, learn to self-soothe. Today, Samuel shares four tools he has used in his own journey of healing, from both infidelity and childhood trauma. The good news is, whether you caused the infidelity or are a victim of the choices of another, healing is possible, and there is hope for repairing the damage from both childhood and adulthood when the right tools are employed. All of us at Affair Recovery hope that today's message fuels your own personal journey toward healing and restoration.

Healing from infidelity requires expert care in every facet of both personal and marital restoration. However, a nebulous area of healing can be found in addressing childhood wounds like neglect, abuse, and abandonment. Without an understanding of what wounds and pain we've experienced as children, we can find that the timeline for us is not only confusing, but also longer and more erratic. When we tap into the help of true trauma experts who have been through their own timeline of infidelity and childhood trauma, we not only find light at the end of the tunnel, but a concrete explanation of what's happening inside of us. Today you'll meet Amanda, a trauma expert of precisely this kind who shares practical and life-changing information about how to address our childhood wounds, and how they continue to affect our attempts to heal from infidelity and/or…

Have you ever had your unfaithful spouse blame you for their infidelity or addiction? Perhaps they've rattled off statements like "if you would have done your job, I wouldn't have had to go find love elsewhere?" Or, "if you didn't neglect me, I wouldn't have had to go somewhere else for attention, love, and sex." It's a coping mechanism the unfaithful uses to justify their actions, and one of the main problems with this thinking is that we, the unfaithful, think it's absolute truth. What's more truthful is the fact that we don't realize how unresolved childhood trauma affects the way we see our spouse, our infidelity and our recovery efforts. If we do not heal what so deeply traumatized us as a child, we'll miss out on a quality of life and recovery that, while it may seem elusive, is more joyful and rewarding than we can imagine. Join me today for a…

Finding survivors of either their own infidelity or their spouse's, who are also willing to publicly talk about their story, is no easy task. From the public shame, to the fear of being known for such painful life choices, to the uneasiness of telling your story in public, it's just not easy. Today you'll get to know Stephanie, a fearless survivor of her husband's infidelity, addiction, and child out of wedlock. As we talk, you'll hear a down to earth, "I'm not superwoman; I'm just someone who did the work" approach. After the infidelity came to light, she realized she had choices, and she chose to take a bold step toward her husband as he threw himself into his own recovery work. Today, Stephanie hopes to encourage those who find themselves in this awful position with a few tips that worked for her in the earlier days of her journey. No magic buttons, no…

Trying to heal from your partner's affair, or your own, can seem like an impossible task. But what about when there is a child from an affair? What if they are a sex addict? What if you don't feel like you even love your partner now? While all hard-hitting, complicated questions, I am happy to tell you there are answers. Oftentimes, we believe people who have actually healed from seemingly impossible pain and trauma are better answers than mere words. Today you'll meet heroes of ours at affairrecovery.com: Mickey and Stephanie. We are confident that after hearing just some of their story and seeing the palpable joy in both their hearts, that there is hope for your own healing and restoration. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches…

Transforming our betrayal and relationship trauma is no easy task. It can feel impossible to keep our heads above water at times, not to mention the fact that life happening around you never stops to make your healing easier. Quite frankly, we don't always feel like doing the hard work of recovery, and we'd rather just shut down and hide from everyone and everything. Today, Samuel shares four game-changing solutions to provide a framework to healing our own betrayal and relationship trauma. In a world where cynicism and sarcasm seem to be the go-to coping skills for those who are hurting, today you will hear four refreshing and life-changing strategies on how to not only heal, but get your life back, after betrayal trauma. Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known…

When a couple feels stuck, both parties are exhausted, frustrated, and often wondering if there is any hope that things will ever get better. It's as if even mere communication about everyday life can be triggering, and any conversation ends up with a fight about tone, intent, and who hurt who more. The good news is, while this type of paralysis is normal, couples and individuals don't have to remain stuck. There are proven tools that can help one or both spouses care for themselves and their partner, while also creating new momentum for the future of their relationship. Today you'll hear about five tools that can be used by either partner to bring clarity, compassion, and understanding into everyday communication. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a…

How we repattern our lives after infidelity can make or break the relationship, in both the short and the long term. Without a plan to develop new habits, new patterns and new routines, the relationship can feel stuck, overwhelmed with drudgery, and filled with disappointment. The goal after an affair or addiction is never getting back to what the couple had, but discovering something new - new energy and new patterns that the relationship is going to need to survive and yes, even flourish, moving forward. It’s never easy and it’s never a quick fix, but repatterning our own lives and the relationship will provide much-needed space for both parties to heal, while finding new momentum and new understanding for each other’s journey in recovery. While not every marriage survives the pain of infidelity, we must be willing to repattern our own lives for future…

Caring for ourselves after we've either betrayed our spouse, or been betrayed, is essential. However, due to the sheer panic and trauma of it all, we often will put ourselves last and look after the well-being of our partner, IF they will allow us to. While it may seem counterintuitive, for long-term healing, both individually and in our relationship, caring for ourselves must be a top priority. It's normal to think our lives will never be the same again after trauma of this magnitude. While our lives may not look the same again, we can heal and we can find new life that still brings joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind. However, without prioritizing our own healing and learning how to care for ourselves, we typically remain stuck, wondering why we can't seem to find our way through the agony of it all. Today, Samuel shares practical and courageous ways we…

After an affair, we can feel left for dead. It's like we're lepers, and the outside world seemingly refuses to be associated with us. It can happen to the unfaithful, but oddly enough, it can happen to the betrayed as well. Outside observers have no idea what to say to us, so rather than try, they typically will leave us alone out of discomfort, or be instructed to leave us alone by clergy, leadership or even family members. The truth is, those whose lives have been shattered by infidelity need more support after disclosure than ever before. But where do you go? Who can you trust? Samuel says quite often, "the right people will give you the right help and the right outcome." Finding the right community is often frustrating for those whose lives have been rocked by an affair, but if you're reading this, you have found a safe and expert-driven place for…

After the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, our futures feel incredibly uncertain. If there is one universal, common emotion or feeling after disclosure, it’s probably raw terror. Both partners experience it, but how do you work through it? How do you process it? Today, Samuel shares his own traumatic event that was filled with not only uncertainty and confusion, but raw panic and terror. In the halls of ‘healing from infidelity’ the word trauma has become somewhat of a buzzword. Trauma isn’t necessarily what happens to us, but what happens inside of us in response to a traumatic event, and I think we can all agree that infidelity or addiction of any sort is a traumatic event. Today you will hear practical and courageous insight from Samuel that you can also utilize in your own recovery timeline. The terror we’ve experienced in our own lives doesn’t…

When a spouse or partner has an affair, their next response is essential. Are they willing to do repair work? Are they willing to own what they need to own? Are they open to getting outside, expert help in an effort to see what they cannot see? It can be like walking a tightrope for either partner who is wanting to save the relationship, but isn't sure where the lines should be drawn to protect themselves, but also humble themselves and win back their partner. Unfaithful spouses can feel as though they are locked into a prison of punitive servitude for the remainder of the relationship. Betrayed spouses can feel like they will never measure up to the affair partner, and can feel a sense of anger, bitterness, and hurt for the remainder of the relationship. My friends, I am here to tell you that there is a better way. We can heal our relationships, while also…

Infidelity is life-changing, life-altering trauma for ourselves, our partners, and even our kids. We can feel “left for dead” immediately following disclosure, and it would seem almost no one truly knows how to support those of us in crisis due to infidelity or addiction. What’s vital is that we are there for ourselves. While it may seem like a hollow suggestion or a cheesy Hallmark card, it is key that we are able to understand the principle of caring for ourselves, despite the temptation to wallow in self-pity for days. Without an approach of personal healing and restoration, we struggle to see which way is up, and darkness appears to be our only comforting friend. The truth is, we can heal and we can rescue ourselves from the pit of despair and hopelessness. This chapter isn’t the best, or the rest of our lives, but we have the power to make choices to…

While not everyone who has an affair or acts out is a sex addict, there ARE moments we as unfaithful partners attempt to stay in denial to help mitigate our own shame and feelings of discomfort. If we’re not in denial about what we’ve done, maybe we’re in denial about the impact of our choices upon our significant other, or family as a whole? One thing you can count on today: what never brings healing is hiding from the impact of our choices on everyone around us. In fact, a critical piece of the puzzle to healing and personal restoration is admitting our wrongdoing and owning our choices. Mickey’s compelling story of not only moral and marital failure, but also a child from the affair partner, will encourage and uplift you with insight and support for how one can find healing, self-forgiveness and peace of mind, even after horrific personal failure and…

Trying to win back a betrayed partner's heart after shattering them with your infidelity is not an easy task. It's a challenge, but a worthwhile pursuit. While some betrayeds are not willing to allow their hearts to be pursued or won back after infidelity, many are willing and even aching for that reconnection. The struggle is how to do so, when the betrayed barely understands their own pain, trauma and confusing reactions. The unfaithful can misread their cues and find themselves growing more and more frustrated by the hour. There is a better way to heal, a better way to pursue your betrayed partner, without feeling like the proverbial door is being slammed in your face as an unfaithful, time and time again. Today Samuel provides a no-nonsense, straightforward video on how to minimize mistakes, and actually cut through the fog and reach the betrayed's…

When a relationship has been devastated by infidelity or addiction, we need answers. We want help, we want solace, and we want our broken hearts to heal. But, not everyone is as eager as we think they should be to seek healing. But why? Is it because of a past wound from a professional? Is it because the unfaithful has new information to share that they refuse to give up? Whatever the reason, refusing to get help after you've cheated or your spouse has cheated causes even more suspicion and confusion in the aftermath of discovery. Samuel often says, "the right people will give you the right process and bring about the right outcome." Today he'll discuss further why some unfaithful and betrayed partners refuse to get help, and how to proceed ahead anyway. While one partner may refuse to get help, it doesn't mean the other party can't take action to heal…

Healing from infidelity is not for the faint of heart. After the disclosure of an affair, both spouses find themselves traumatized, looking for answers, direction and hope. As society has evolved and infidelity has become its own epidemic, there seems to be a wealth of advice being thrown out across the globe. Finding experienced, compassionate survivors and healers has become a necessary component to those who are courageously trying to heal from infidelity or addiction. While lists upon lists of what to do can oftentimes be helpful, have you ever wondered what NOT to do when it comes to healing and restoration? Have you ever wondered what might delay your healing, complicate your recovery, and frustrate the entire process? You’re in luck: today Samuel shares five poignant mistakes couples and individuals make that can significantly delay healing in both…

The journey of the unfaithful spouse eventually reveals a need to confront shame. Those who feel ashamed often continue to do shameful things, and we know infidelity can be incredibly shameful for all parties involved, even for peripheral family members and close friends. Without a plan to confront and heal shame in the life of the unfaithful, both parties in the relationship or marriage can feel behind schedule, if not altogether stuck. The good news is, shame doesn’t have to be the taskmaster in the relationship, nor does it have to be the ruling force in the life of the unfaithful party. As it’s been said before, “there is a better way.” When an unfaithful spouse can do specific and targeted work to heal their shame, they proceed further and further toward forgiving themselves. When a former unfaithful enters into the process of genuinely forgiving…

4th Annual Hope Rising Conference Watch On Demand! All Hope Rising Conferences On Demand A clumsy work ethic by the unfaithful provides little hope, stability or evidence that the unfaithful really wants the relationship. It provides even less hope and motivation for the betrayed to do the work necessary to try and reconcile. Interviewing and talking to betrayed spouses over decades has revealed that one significant, almost universal desire of the betrayed partner is for the unfaithful to have a sense of urgency in their own recovery work. It's not about rushing either partner to make decisions or 'get it' or 'move on.' But…