Necessary Ingredients to Recover from an Affair: A Sense of Urgency

A clumsy work ethic by the unfaithful provides little hope, stability or evidence that the unfaithful really wants the relationship. It provides even less hope and motivation for the betrayed to do the work necessary to try and reconcile. Interviewing and talking to betrayed spouses over decades has revealed that one significant, almost universal desire of the betrayed partner is for the unfaithful to have a sense of urgency in their own recovery work. It's not about rushing either partner to make decisions or 'get it' or 'move on.' But it is about having a much needed sense of diligence, passion and commitment to do repair work, and dig deep to find out why the affair happened in the first place for the unfaithful. It is vital the betrayed not only hear, but actually see, a sense of urgency for change in the life and approach of the unfaithful. From scheduling counseling appointments, to reading books, initiating discussions, and making even small changes, the unfaithful must create, maintain and display a much-needed (and desired by the betrayed) sense of urgency in all they do, after the disclosure of infidelity or addiction. Without this urgency, a betrayed partner cannot believe words, but what is displayed in their actions, or lack thereof.

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And what does the absence of any urgency mean?

So based on these comments, should one infer that the absence of any urgency, or expressed desire to pursue restitution imply the unfaithfuls decision to remain in the marriage even if their action (or inaction) has them remaining in the marital home?

My partner has expressed no willingness or desire to discuss the affair, or any of the events around the affair activities. They currently remain in the marital home, but are essentially checked out of the marriage and/or any expressing any desire to change. I suspect they would love to leave, but circumstances make it very difficult to find accommodations elsewhere.

And so almost 2 years to d-day, i remain in limbo.....

What type of affair was it?

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