Key Ingredients to the Life of an Unfaithful Spouse

Samuel shares essential and necessary principles of safety for the unfaithful.

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Disengaged Heart

This is exactly what I've been feeling lately. All the Key Ingredients you talked about are on point for me. This definitely helped me better understand why I'm feeling the panic inside so much. At first I just thought I was being impatient or not appreciating what he’s done thus far, but this video nailed it on the head. Intentionality and consistency are mostly causing me to feel my H’s disengaged heart that you mentioned. *If the unfaithful spouse really knew what he was supposed to be doing then he would know what it would do to the heart of the betrayed spouse and he would want to do it, so the fact that he’s not doing it says to the betrayed “uh-oh, not safe”.* This statement was under the Teachable section but I think it speaks to the heart of the message I receive when these principles are not followed. These really are vital principles. They reveal to me whether or not my UH is sincere in wanting to recover and build a thriving marriage or just remain status quo.

Thank you,
Hurting Spouse

disengaged spouse

My spouse has made limited effort to have accountability. The two guys he was meeting with occasionally are extremely busy and unavailable most of the time. Unfortunately we moved to this community and found it is very difficult to engage in close relationships. People smile but rarely reach out and welcome others. We have tried to reach out ourselves, but people do not reciprocate so this makes it very difficult to find others who we can trust with our story and have accountability. We do want him to build relationships but trusting doesn't come easily, especially in a community that is so closed off.

Disengaged Heart

Samuel - and all AR – thank-you for all you do. Some of these key ingredients are spot on. My husband and I went to EMS weekend this January 2020 (best thing we did) and we are both taking Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing. I've watched this video twice; once right before we did EMS and now since we have moved forward another month. There are three pieces of concern for me with my UH. 1. He does do his recovery work but with a 14-hour work day this finds him trying to study at work and finishing up before the call. A question for me is, after 3 weeks into HH - how much of the healing processing is actually "getting through to him"? He resisted making me feel safe when I asked for his passwords to emails, cell phone, etc., but he finally did - reluctantly. To prove a point, he asked the men in his group if they all had done this as well. Responses from them were half did; half didn't for a variety of reasons. 2. Part of my discomfort is his lack at being intentional - to initiate doing recovery work together, to begin open discussions, actually planning a date night on his own without asking me, "what do you feel like doing"?, and showing empathy is slow to lacking. I feel I chase him. This isn't new behavior. We've always (his choice) had separate everything; computers, bank accounts, no shared passwords, etc. He has had trust issues his entire life. 3. Lastly, the topic of "safe friends" to be accountable to is a problem; his friends are all non-Christian, they all stood by while he had his affair, moved in with her and her kids, and their responses were: "we support you bro whatever you decide to do". He no longer attends church or any church-related functions, and unfortunately to my surprise, none of the men from our church have called him to check in. How is it possible to find these safe people you mention if he is not already surrounded by them? He does have an EMDR therapist he has been seeing alone for many months. (She doesn't see couples). That is one source of safe processing each week. My husband of 15 years has always tucked his feelings away, and it still feels his heart is somewhat closed down even though he says he's 100% committed to our marriage. This behavior continues to give me mixed messages.

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