The Need for Objectivity

One of the greatest needs during marital crisis, and especially marital crisis due to infidelity, is objectivity. The case for objectivity is iron clad, as it provides an irreplaceable ingredient for stabilization and understanding.  

It’s a pretty fair assumption that much of what you say to your spouse is going to be seen through the filter of the years of history you all have as a couple. There is a lens they will see you through, and that lens is clouded with blame, justification, childhood issues, anger and several other factors. The fact is they just can’t hear you. You’re not the objective one. In their eyes, you’re the one who’s either made them cheat or you’re the cheater. You’re the one who has forced their hand, or has been led to seek affirmation, love and applause elsewhere. (Keep in mind this is an example of justification, not any kind of truth.) To think that anyone in this situation carries objectivity is an illusion. Without a third party who is truly objective and can help filter through the malaise of defensiveness, justification, hurt and uncertainty, it will be an unnecessarily slow road to any sort of clarity, momentum and long term healing.

Objectivity is able to see through the deception which has created the affair in the first place, while also helping to provide insight into what a spouse may truly feel, but remains unable to express. Objectivity also is a key factor in deciding whether you want to stay in the marriage and give it a try, or move on without your spouse due to the lack of safety they display in their life.  When objectivity enters the picture, both spouses can find level ground to ultimately make short term and long term decisions which will provide some sense of a stabilizing direction to take. Objectivity will also be somewhat of a trampoline to the sense of being ‘stuck’ due to stubbornness or ignorance on how to move forward.

Without objectivity however, you’ll constantly be going back and forth trying to appropriately label the bad guy, while never being able to gain any momentum. Without objectivity, you’ll continue to punish your mate for their choices and for their inability to see what they also have done, whether unfaithful or betrayed. Without objectivity, one spouse continues their tail spin, feeling justified in their actions, never understanding that what they feel is a mere feeling at best, and not a truth. Without truth entering the equation, you or your spouse may remain a prisoner to emotions, self-deception and confusion, failing to realize there is truly hope to be found. When hope is perceived, it can launch you into a systematic approach to arrive at clarity and understanding, which can provide empathy, humility and even forgiveness.

I hope you’ll start a quest today to find objectivity from those who have gone this way before. From the website, to the courses, to the helpful staff at Affair Recovery, there is compassionate objectivity to be found when you search for it.

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It can be done it may not be

It can be done. it may not be done by many couples but it can be done. It takes being able to become non-emotional almost mechanical and being able to focus on forgiveness first then you are able to dig into the why and how. I think it has to come from the hurt side as in my case when I was able to really pull myself out of what was happening and look at it from both sides it was a beginning, just like everything else but once there was a start things started to move much quicker. You also have to know the other person very well. A third party can make things easier if both agree with that person if not it will only hinder things and make things worse like when we first went to a counselor it did not go very well. Because I was able to forgive very early I was able to create an environment were we were able to talk without much tension. I had to really humble myself and constantly focus on the positives we had shared in the past I also kept bringing them up over and over again so she was able to start to let her guard down and healing could begin. I only once lost control and that was much later on caused by a trigger the last time it ever happened. When you understand that you both have twisted views of what happened and can bring that up you can start to address the many things that happened that were misunderstood on both sides. The one advantage of being able to work through this without the aid of a third party is that in the future you will both be better able to work through things maybe even before things get out of control. I agree if you are unable to stay calm while your spouse is saying just how you are to blame then you need a third party just make sure both of you agree on whom you choose or it can do more harm than good, also make sure they have done this before, as a matter of fact get names and check their work, talking to both spouses, hurt and unfaithful.
David

Objectivity

Beware. There are many marital counselors, friends, clergymen, etc. who profess "objectivity". But, seriously, are they objective? They weren't with you each day through the marriage. They rely on hearsay, on what they are told. Partners can have totally different subjective realities. My mate is a master at image management. With our first counselor, my husband was right in the middle of the "affair". Full fiercer, full steam ahead. Yet, I hadn't found out, and he didn't confess. Our "objective" counselor decided My husband was wonderful, and I was the one who needed fixing.

My point is that the objective party bases their advice on what the couple has told him/her. So, they may not really be objective.

I strongly believe that what is an iron clad need is experience. The fact that the authors of the programs, the counselors, and the mentors here have been through infidelity sets them apart from the rest. Even more, they are specialists! Do you really want your primary care physician doing open heart surgery on you? Then why rely on anyone other than those you find here? Plus, look how many "open heart surgeries" this team has done. Thousands.

So, I know you mean well, but objectivity is cheap. Experience is priceless. You find the master surgeons here. I know, because initially I thought there was zero chance of our marriage surviving. After completing Harboring Hope, EMS Weekend, and with ongoing counseling it's 100%, and our relationship is better than it's ever been.

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