Self-imposed Blindness Part Two

Often times we’re blind to the depth of our own bitterness or resentment. It’s seductive when you’re dealing with infidelity as you should be angry, and have every right to be angry for what your spouse has done. If they’ve cheated or lived a double life, to not be angry would be alarming to anyone. Sometimes we’re unaware of just how bitter we are and that deep seeded resentment can be rather intoxicating. The only problem is, when we’re intoxicated we usually are unaware of our actions and our mannerisms and we end up only making things worse. When there are prolonged seasons of bitterness or resentment, we can also then torture both ourselves and our mates emotionally. We systematically refuse to let go of our bitterness which we perceive as justifiable. The fact is though unforgiveness is never justifiable as it only poisons our own heart, our own life and our own future opportunity at restoration. I know what it’s like to be on a road where you feel like you just can’t get off, but have no idea how.

However, anger has to have a season, or a stage, or a chapter. The other side of it is, if there is constantly new information or new revelations by the unfaithful then there should be expected to be recurring chapters of anger and hostility. That’s more than understandable.

Yet, once the information is finally out and on the table, the intense anger needs to have a bit of a fuse so it runs out and spills over into grief. Yesterday I alluded to the fact that there are two ways to diffuse the bitterness and resentment: perspective (the right info) and forgiveness.

First, the right information. When you can get the right understanding of the affair(s) and/or compulsive behaviors you can start the process toward healing. More specifically, you need expert help. Whether it be an online course or an in person retreat, one size does not fit all. Just this morning I spoke with a woman who said ‘we tried counseling and it failed miserably.’ Sadly, unless they are an expert in infidelity, it usually does. Unless they’ve been through it and treated it at least 10 years, I’d run as far away as I could and get expert help. The right information (i.e. help) will lead to the right perspective which will lead to the right timeline of long term healing and personal restoration.

Additionally, forgiveness is the best tool to diffuse the resentment. However, I missed a step in my writing yesterday. Before you can forgive, you’ll probably need to grieve first. You, as a betrayed, will need to grieve for what was lost, what was taken away and what your spouse has chosen to do.

If you’re an unfaithful, you’ll need to grieve for what you’ve done to yourself and to your spouse. It will most likely be easier to grieve over what you’ve done to your spouse first, then for your own pain. It will require long seasons of concentrated thought to reconnect with empathy and awareness for how you’ve damaged your spouse. With the right help, you’ll get there but more than likely, you’ll not get there on your own. As unfaithful, we’re in too deep to launch right into grieving as we aren’t thinking clearly at all and we’re in desperate help for someone to make sense out of all of this for us.

As we grieve we can then move towards forgiveness for our self and our spouse. If we don’t grieve, we usually find it incredibly hard to get to forgiveness and letting go of our anger and hostility towards our spouse. If you want to rip the rug out from underneath bitterness and resentment, allow the deep seeded anger and resentment to spill over into grieving and then finally, into forgiveness.  I’ve had to do it time and time again for what my affair cost Samantha, myself and countless other people I’ve let down.

It is more than possible friends. It’s not easy, but there is a systematic timeline you’ll need from an expert's help to walk out this healing. I pray most of all today, you’d reach out for help with this timeline and get the expert insight and roadmap you need.


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So it's ok

So it's ok, after 18 months of lying about his affairs being only emotional and telling me that he was through with her, that I feel anger and resentment because the real truth comes out that the affairs were not only deeply emotional, but physical as well? I just found out in mid-July ( 2 weeks after I moved back home, having forgiven him and willing to work on the marriage) that the most recent affair was still on until about a week before I moved home. Not only that, it was longer, more deeply emotional than I had imagined, and definitely physical. Since then, bits and pieces of new info have emerged, either from him or from the AP, who just texted me the last "bomb" 2 nights ago. It's like the "bombs" just keep coming!! I am heartbroken, angry, resentful...and I know it, but can't seem to stop it. Who could after 18 months of lies and withholding of information while watching me go through the most horrible pain I have ever endured? We've had EMS, I've done Harboring Hope before I knew all the new info.....I can't seem to cry. If I don't feel anger, sadness, or resentment, I just feel empty......I can't even grieve. He signed up for Hope for Healing, but if he can't be truthful, will it even help him? I don't know what to do anymore. Just feel empty.....

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