Samuel,
I usually love your blog but I do think this is a very unrealistic graph to show because there are too many variables. I do not believe it is healthy to set lofty expectations, especially for the betrayed spouse. It is hard enough to have an effective recovery without this fear that we are not healing fast enough. And sometimes, especially if you have a spouse that struggles with empathy and understanding, the marriage cannot heal as quickly. I wish there was no such graph because I think the less than sensitive spouse can also use it as evidence that we should just "get over it".

I healed in 5 months so when I look at the graph I think it is way overstated but that is me I see nothing wrong with the graph from what I am hearing from the other couples in our group the graph seems to be pretty close. I think it can be helpful from what I hear if people did not have some gage to compair themselves to they could lose hope' I thought 5 months was a long time I could not even think what it would be like going into the second year and still struggling but that is the norm and knowing that can be a confort to the ones who are struggling. I think the graph is a good thing. I know for me it has been an eye opener and how blessed I have been to have healed so quickly. Now our marriage still has work to do and my unfaithfull wife may still not be healed but I am and am sure of that. I think the key to my healing was my knowing and being able to forgive verticaly very early on and I mean early on with in days of d-day which was so helpful for me to beable to look at my wife in a positive almost from the start. Oh I struggled with pain and all the rest had to keep a towl in the truck for when at work I flooded I could go out side and recover but I was able to use the stable times I had to process what had just happened and make plans to mend and heal at just over 3 months we started EMSO but my healing was well on I was in the pretend normal stage at the start of it but flooding was almost not a problem by then. Anyway if you have a spouse that tries to hold someone to a chart even when it states that it is under ideal conditions then there is more problems there then having a graph posted here. Thank you Samual for your blogs I still look forward every week to reading them.
David

Samuel you are very welcome you are in dead offering hope to many people coming here to read. It is a shame that you write from I hate the term unfaithful side (so how to me always calling someone unfaithfull can be harmful in the long run I have seen and read many times that many of the ones who have affairs are trapped by their own emotions and not done on purpose, emotions can be a powerfully allied or curse but we lable them unfaithfull yes they were but to continue to give them that title after time when they have reformed and trying to over come much I feel may tend to just start to do more harm then good, please do not ask what term I would use instead I do not know but unfaithful to me sounds very harsh good at the begining but need of change after time) I would so love to hear the thoughts and trials of the faithful side. Even though you have been through much and your wife may have been very good at explaining what she had gone through it is not the same. Knowing some of her thoughts at times and how she delt with them could be real helpful to many. Even Rick is from the dark side and he may have been through so much with so many he did not expearance the same thing and you can tell from his comments. In a sence you and Rick do write as if guilt still has a sway on you. Not saying that is bad but it does effect your comments. Again I do look forward to you blogs. The more informed I am the better I am to be able to be p repaired for what ever may come my way.
David

What is the normal time period for my spouse to "get it", and begin to have empathy and compassion? It has been 7 weeks since D-Day and he is still angry and indignant whenever it comes up. He has become obsessively secretive with his phone, and laptop. Hiding his phone from sight at all times, and hiding his laptop in a lock-box in the basement. He says that OW is only a sexual partner whom he likes very much, but I have been hearing about her since we met. He says She is so much fun, and smart, and sexually liberated...etc...he insists that she is a good friend, and that I am paranoid and crazy and jealous for being upset that he wants to continue seeing her. He says that if I don't just "get over it", it will eat me like a cancer. He says that I just don't understand that monogamy is unnatural and that just because he needs to have other relationships, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It is my emotional immaturity that is causing me pain. That I am the one who doesn't "get it".

I am just now reading this. I am just wondering how PTSD plays into affair recovery. I have been diagnosed with it. I am on medication, my husband and I are seeing a therapist that has helped our relationship, but I don't know what to do to recover from the PTSD. The affair opened up a lot of trauma from my childhood and the affair was discovered while I was still recovering from the death of my mother, which I was told was the first trigger for the PTSD and because of my mothers health issues and being the only one that cared for her I saw things a daughter should never have to see. My mother lost her, toe, then her foot, then her leg. Next was the other leg. This was after a month of being in the hospital while they tried several different things to save her legs.
I am just looking for direction on what sort of help I should be seeking for myself.