Survivors Blog: Samuel
Samuel
Alumnus, Wayward. Providing hope, encouragement and infidelity-specific insight to anyone in recovery from betrayal.
She Won’t Stop Asking Questions…..He Just Gets Angrier
Yesterday I was visiting with a woman who is trying to wrap her mind around her husband’s three affairs over 6 years. She knew about one affair but was under the impression it was only an emotional affair, yet has long since come to know that all three were emotional and physical and lasted about three to six months each. She’s devastated. To her own credit as a woman, she’s ‘open’ to seeing if the marriage can be saved. After four kids all under the age of 17, 22 years together and a sea of other concerns, there is a lot to lose. She’s not sure she wants to stay in the marriage, but she’s open to the possibility of it being saved.
To say the rug has been ripped out from underneath her does not even begin to illustrate the overwhelming emotions and fears she’s trying not to entertain every hour of every day. Who were these women? Does she have an STD lurking that she doesn’t know about? Was there more than these three affairs that he’s not telling her? Can she ever trust that he’ll never do this again? How will she make it if she divorces him with four kids and no career? These are just some of the fears she’s trying to manage each day. Any woman in this situation would be asking themselves these questions and about a zillion more I’m sure.
When she’s asking questions, she’s trying to put the puzzle together in her mind. She’s having to almost reconstruct a life that she’s known next to nothing about. She can’t seem to understand when, where, and how but asking questions helps put things together so she can somehow wrap her mind around it all. To her, finding out more information is the way she is trying to heal. Asking him questions helps her feel connected to her husband and at some level, helps her process what has happened.
The problem is, when she asks questions, he rages. He just can’t sit and answer many questions at all as it pushes him to a point of anger and rage and she becomes the target. The shame he feels is incapacitating and his only outlet seems to be anger. They are stuck. She can’t stand the anger and can’t really even understand it. He can barely answer questions without resorting to blaming her and justifying the affair. He is using anger to bully her and force her to stop wanting to ask the questions.
In many ways, the reason he is raging is he’s really angry at himself and enveloped by shame. He’s angry at what he’s done. He’s at some level sobering up, but isn’t committed to any process at all. The deeper problem though is that he is refusing to process the pain and can’t forgive himself. So just when he starts to think a little clearer, if you will, he resorts to anger as he’s furious for letting himself do what he’s done. He’s angry at the fact that he couldn’t control himself, can’t control his wife now and can’t control the flow of information. He’s resorting to anger as that’s his ‘go to’ emotion when he wants to get something done or bully his wife.
I don’t see a ton of hope for them. Unless he will entrust an expert third party like Rick to help mediate and speak to the issues, it’s just too complicated. They may make it on their own or with some other form of support, but what condition will they be in down the road is of great concern. Not to mention, how is he going to buck against the 40 years of data that says he will in fact relapse, if the right help is not sought out?
To expect her to suck it up and put to death her questions and need for processing is not only unrealistic but torturous to her. It illustrates a refusal on his part to help her heal from what he’s done to her. It provides no outlet for her to wrap her mind around what she barely knows about and stuffs her in a box of control and paralysis.
My question to some of you today is what have you, the betrayed, done when a spouse has attempted to bully you and refuse to answer questions or shown rage about the questions? (Please be as redemptive and therapeutic as possible as there are a ton of people who are looking for hope and insight for their situation. Don’t use this medium as a rant as we all have had enough of that I’m quite sure.)
Yesterday I was visiting with a woman who is trying to wrap her mind around her husband’s three affairs over 6 years. She knew about one affair but was under the impression it was only an emotional affair, yet has long since come to know that all three were emotional and physical and lasted about three to six months each. She’s devastated. To her own credit as a woman, she’s ‘open’ to seeing if the marriage can be saved. After four kids all under the age of 17, 22 years together and a sea of other concerns, there is a lot to lose. She’s not sure she wants to stay in the marriage, but she’s open to the possibility of it being saved.
To say the rug has been ripped out from underneath her does not even begin to illustrate the overwhelming emotions and fears she’s trying not to entertain every hour of every day. Who were these women? Does she have an STD lurking that she doesn’t know…
Continue reading →
He’s Not Sorry…..She Won’t Get Over It
While the situations are not always that HE is unfaithful, I’ve used the title to illustrate the point that in many cases, one spouse won’t show any remorse and another spouse won’t stop talking about it. While some blog posts I write are an attempt to help you move forward, even incrementally, other blog posts are to help illustrate more about what may be going on in the particular situation you’re facing.
It’s about every day I hear a betrayed spouse say, “He isn’t showing any remorse at all. It’s like he’s just swallowed up in justification or resentment and he’s not showing any sadness over what he’s done whatsoever.” If I interview the unfaithful spouse, more than likely they will say to me “she just won’t stop talking about it. It’s all they want to talk about. Why can’t she move forward, why can’t she just stop talking about it all the time? I’m tired of talking about it.”
While I want to keep this short and to the point without splitting hairs, the cold hard truth is this: until the unfaithful gets the right help they need, they will never probably show empathy and true remorse. They may be sorry they were caught and that the affair was exposed, but it won’t usually be genuine at all if the affair was for any length of time. It’s a progressive timeline of their recovery. As they get healthier and as they go deeper into their guided journey of sobriety, they will show more and more remorse and true empathy, over time. Where many betrayed spouses blow it is expecting their spouse to show empathy or remorse without getting any qualified help. Why would they? In their mind they had an affair for a reason. (While we know it was their own selfishness and that they wanted their needs met, they are not there yet). One can reason that in their own mind they felt justified in their affair. It’s not true, and it’s part of the greater dysfunction, but to expect them to wake up overnight is not only ambitious, it’s unrealistic.
As the betrayed is able to receive the care and help they need, it is then they will begin to not want to talk about it every day and not want to fixate on infidelity or the affair partner. They will also begin to own some things of their own struggles. Most betrayed spouses understand they were not perfect in the marriage. No one is. They just decided not to have an affair despite the many imperfections of their mate. But if you the unfaithful, expect your betrayed spouse to get over it and not talk about it and own their own struggles without prolonged expert help, you’re kidding yourself. As they are able to see you the unfaithful, own your own selfishness and then show empathy and true remorse for your non-justified infidelity or addiction, it is then you will begin to eventually see your spouse ‘move on.’
They will never move on if you’re not showing long term true empathy, and much more, if humility and remorse does not become a part of your new life you find.
As you the unfaithful want to move on to new life and the next chapter of your marriage, your betrayed spouse wants to also move forward. But, if they are feeling unsafe, or if you don’t get it and aren’t showing any true, sustained remorse over the person you became and your actions, how can you expect them to move forward with any sense of hope or confidence in you or the marriage? They put confidence in you before and look where it got them? Perhaps their timeline to healing will need to be a bit longer than you think.
I will tell you, from personal experience, as well as helping countless others heal, without a true remorse and humility on your part (the unfaithful), stop expecting the betrayed to move on and stop fixating. If you the betrayed expect your spouse to snap out of it, I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. Remember, they didn’t become this way overnight and they won’t be fixed overnight either. There is a better way, but it will require an investment of very deliberate proportions.
While the situations are not always that HE is unfaithful, I’ve used the title to illustrate the point that in many cases, one spouse won’t show any remorse and another spouse won’t stop talking about it. While some blog posts I write are an attempt to help you move forward, even incrementally, other blog posts are to help illustrate more about what may be going on in the particular situation you’re facing.
It’s about every day I hear a betrayed spouse say, “He isn’t showing any remorse at all. It’s like he’s just swallowed up in justification or resentment and he’s not showing any sadness over what he’s done whatsoever.” If I interview the unfaithful spouse, more than likely they will say to me “she just won’t stop talking about it. It’s all they want to talk about. Why can’t she move forward, why can’t she just stop talking about it all the time? I’m tired of talking about it.”
…
Continue reading →
How Do You Find New Life Amidst the Struggle?
I was visiting with a betrayed spouse yesterday who was sharing some incredibly bad news about her spouse, her marriage and what she figured was the rest of her life. It was one of the most devastating stories I’ve heard in quite a while (and that’s saying something). While all of our stories are devastating at some level, we all have unique situations in our lives which force us to cry out for new life and new, tangible hope. But how do you find new life after the life you thought you were living has been not only upended, but sacrificed on the altar of another spouse’s choices? Or, how do you the unfaithful, find new life after you’ve basically obliterated the life you once had with your spouse and family?
The answer is nowhere near simple, but does exist. I used to think we simply bury our marriage and find new life in our marriage. Well, the problem is, most times we do have some wonderful history together before the affair and not all of it was bad, regardless of how we rewrite the history of it. The retort from the betrayed though is that we, the unfaithful have wasted all of that. I don’t believe that’s the case as usually, the entire marriage was not full of infidelity, betrayal and misery.
Alternatively, that once beautiful marriage that seemed so perfect, or in some cases was still full of trouble, has been blown to bits. It can’t be put back together again the same way it was. Many memories, although not all memories, are still able to be cherished. The birth of kids, the early childhood years, family vacations, memories although seemingly jaded right now, still did happen. There was at one time, tangible love and adoration on both sides of the marriage.
Selfishness and deception have entered the picture. What is one to do to find new life when sandwiched between hopelessness and justifiable resentment and the ever present unknown? While I’ve pondered this many times, I think the best answer I can offer you that are not divorced and not already finding new life apart from your spouse, is resurrection.
Our marriages can in fact be resurrected when both parties are willing to give it a shot. We buried our marriage and it was Samantha who said to me “I’m willing to give God a chance to resurrect our marriage. We’ve had some wonderful times and we’ve had some excruciating times. I’m not sure if my love and respect for you can be resurrected but I’m willing to give God a chance to do it. We’ll get all the help we can and see what happens. Right now, I hate you. If he can heal that, I’m open. I make no promises except that I’ll try.”
To say we were both unsure is an understatement. We both wondered if our sex life would ever be the same. We wondered if we would ever be able to talk about anything besides the affair. We wondered if we could ever not have two great days, then 5 bad ones that made us want to quit, time and time again.
Nine years later, we’ve had (and continue to have) more good days and more thrilling days than we ever thought possible. Is the old marriage dead and gone? No. Were there some wonderful times? Without question. Is the new marriage even better? Without a doubt. Has it all been worth it, I mean really worth it? Yes, a million times yes. Every stinking inch has been worth it.
Can this happen in your marriage? I’ll just be honest: I’m not sure. If you’re willing to try and give it a shot to be resurrected, then maybe it’s possible. I’m not sure where your spouse’s heart is and I’m not sure what help you’re getting. I do know there is new life for you both if you’re willing to try.
I was visiting with a betrayed spouse yesterday who was sharing some incredibly bad news about her spouse, her marriage and what she figured was the rest of her life. It was one of the most devastating stories I’ve heard in quite a while (and that’s saying something). While all of our stories are devastating at some level, we all have unique situations in our lives which force us to cry out for new life and new, tangible hope. But how do you find new life after the life you thought you were living has been not only upended, but sacrificed on the altar of another spouse’s choices? Or, how do you the unfaithful, find new life after you’ve basically obliterated the life you once had with your spouse and family?
The answer is nowhere near simple, but does exist. I used to think we simply bury our marriage and find new life in our marriage. Well, the problem is, most times we do have some…
Continue reading →
No One Understands
Almost every day I talk to someone who is struggling with infidelity in some way and is trying to make sense out of it. A unifying statement I usually say to them or even hear from them is the fact that “No one can relate and no one seems to understand the pain I’m living with.”
I agree about every time, yet follow it up with a caveat that they need to be surrounded by a fellow hurting and grieving community. The nature of infidelity is shame based and is almost never overcome without community support. Without such, they will feel they are off on an island and no one can relate and no one can empathize, and no one can understand what they have to process what seems like each hour of each day. It’s not about commiserating together, rather it’s about normalizing things and being able to help each other grieve and move forward in healing. While there are other well-meaning groups out there, if they are not infidelity-specific in nature, I’m willing to bet you they just will not cater towards the specificity that healing from infidelity requires.
From the reminders to the triggers to the entrance of new information, infidelity makes every attempt to erode away every foundation in our lives. From theological, to marital, to trust of any and all kinds, to our general vulnerability as caring human beings, infidelity is a cancer that seeks to incinerate every fabric of our normalcy.
Here are a few reasons why no one understands:
If they haven’t gone through it, they don’t get it and can’t relate. (That doesn’t mean they won’t try but usually to no avail) They can’t understand the reminders. They can’t understand the triggers. They can’t relate to the intense shame you or your spouse feels as they haven’t had to feel the embarrassment of wanting to hide due to having an affair or being the spouse of one whose cheated.
Everyone says what they will do if their spouse cheats, until it actually happens. Usually there is a history together (sometimes decades), kids are now in the mix, incomes and quality of life are jeopardized and quite frankly, it’s just not easy to walk away.
Infidelity is a very shame-based tragedy and inherently isolates its victims. If you’re a betrayed, you typically feel embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened. If you’re the unfaithful, you want to stick your head in the sand as you’re embarrassed of being the one who has broken your vows and cheated. You don’t usually feel like running into a crowded room to find healing and hope as most will not disclose their affair(s) for fear of shame or embarrassment. Finding a supportive community who will be open about their poor choices or their betrayal is a precious commodity.
When Samantha and I found expert help and a supportive community to gleam from, we immediately took a deep breath. We went from feeling like outcasts to normal people who were hurting and needed support and fellowship. Yes, Rick was life-saving, but also finding other men and women who were hurting and looking for community anchored us the way Rick wasn’t able to. We felt like we learned so much and finally fit in with a new group of people. There were older couples and younger couples, wealthier and poorer and some even worse than us. We felt like we found a new home and began to process information far quicker than we ever did locked in battle on a couch in a therapist’s office for hours. When we found Rick and his community, for once we felt like we were on the right road to recovery.
I’d encourage you to take a big step of faith and reach out for community. Not just anywhere, but a specific support group that can help you heal and find a new normal.
Almost every day I talk to someone who is struggling with infidelity in some way and is trying to make sense out of it. A unifying statement I usually say to them or even hear from them is the fact that “No one can relate and no one seems to understand the pain I’m living with.”
I agree about every time, yet follow it up with a caveat that they need to be surrounded by a fellow hurting and grieving community. The nature of infidelity is shame based and is almost never overcome without community support. Without such, they will feel they are off on an island and no one can relate and no one can empathize, and no one can understand what they have to process what seems like each hour of each day. It’s not about commiserating together, rather it’s about normalizing things and being able to help each other grieve and move forward in healing. While there are other well-meaning groups out…
Continue reading →
Are You Addicted to Being Stuck - Part II
No one likes to be stuck. Not in financial duress, not in health trouble and certainly not in marital crisis. Its one thing to be stuck on a math problem but it’s another to be seemingly paralyzed unable to take action in either direction, simply reacting to your spouse’s behavior. When a spouse, particularly an unfaithful spouse, is exhibiting a behavior that is not only confusing but hurtful and indecisive, it only drives the knife in deeper. Their inability to take action causes more and more pain for everyone around them, none more so than the betrayed spouse. What are you to do? How do you get unstuck? Do you have any options? What can you do to cause change?
The question we have to ask ourselves is, what are we willing to do to cause change in our spouse’s behavior? Here are a few follow up examples and points for discussion continued from the previous post:
“Samuel, I want THEM to be the one who takes action. I want them to sign us up for the EMS Weekend, or I want them to seek out help” or “I want them to do the work.” Sadly, you’ll be waiting the rest of your life in this particular situation. The unfaithful spouse is usually far too unhealthy to take initiative and action on their own. Most times they are trying to just not upset you any further than they already have. Or, they don’t want to take any action as all they can see is pain to any choice they take. To say they are self-absorbed is a colossal understatement. What they don’t understand is their ambivalence is even more hurtful than taking action that may even result in a definitive answer that is not in the betrayed spouse’s best interest. Sometimes the betrayed spouse just wants closure to what road they are going to head down: divorce or reconciliation. The in-between, never-ending ambivalence is torturous. They’ve probably already shown you, if you don’t take action, they probably never will. Living and dying on them signing up for an EMS Weekend, or them pursuing the counseling, will only continue to disappoint. You must be the one, the healthy one, who will probably have to take action towards getting help. If they do not follow your lead, then the writing just may be on the wall and you’ll have to enact consequences to their lack of behavior and follow through.
“Nothing I do works. They are going to do what they want to do. They won’t be bullied.” Yes, they probably will do what they want to do, till there are consequences to their action or inaction. Sleeping in the guest room, moving out, having to tell the kids mommy and daddy are having problems and difficulties and need some time away (if they are old enough), or even filing for divorce may be what wakes them up. We typically only change our behavior due to the threat of loss or the threat of consequences. If we do not change, even at the threat of loss or consequences, we are probably so far gone the only hope that we will get it and wake up is to have to actually endure the consequences for a decent amount of time. If after consequences of this sort are enacted and there is still no desire to work on the situation or marriage, you (the betrayed) have started the process of saving yourself (and perhaps the kids) from years and years of unnecessary pain, hurt and ambivalence. You’ve started your own journey of healing which will take some time, but at least you’ve started it. At least you have clarity and you are refusing to live in codependency, stuck due to their choices and stubbornness.
If they are going to sober up or wake up it will usually come during the process of you, the betrayed, refusing to play the ‘addicted to being stuck’ game. It seems like complete injustice, that you, the one who is the true victim here, would be expected to take action to get healthy. It is unfair. It is wrong. It is grossly unfortunate, but this is what it’s like to live with a dysfunctional and deceived individual. The healthy one, yes it sounds like a parent, has to be the one who decides to stop the addiction. I wish it was the other way around, but it typically isn’t.
I pray you, the healthy one, find courage today. The courage you need to break the addiction and intervene. Someone has to. It might as well be you.
No one likes to be stuck. Not in financial duress, not in health trouble and certainly not in marital crisis. Its one thing to be stuck on a math problem but it’s another to be seemingly paralyzed unable to take action in either direction, simply reacting to your spouse’s behavior. When a spouse, particularly an unfaithful spouse, is exhibiting a behavior that is not only confusing but hurtful and indecisive, it only drives the knife in deeper. Their inability to take action causes more and more pain for everyone around them, none more so than the betrayed spouse. What are you to do? How do you get unstuck? Do you have any options? What can you do to cause change?
The question we have to ask ourselves is, what are we willing to do to cause change in our spouse’s behavior? Here are a few follow up examples and points for discussion continued from the previous post:
…
Continue reading →
Are You Addicted To Being Stuck?
As I alluded to in my last post, sometimes a couple ends up addicted to being stuck. Your first inclination might be to say “Samuel, you mean the unfaithful spouse is addicted to being stuck, right?”
Unfortunately, no. In order to be addicted to being stuck, the old saying “It takes two to tango” has never been truer. For a couple to be stuck, both spouses have to be locked in a paradigm that simply isn’t working.
This feeling of being stuck is a common occurrence when neither spouse does anything different than the pattern they have been exhibiting for a considerable amount of time. What’s a considerable amount of time you might ask? I’d say usually anywhere from 6 months to as much as 6 years. The fact is, if you’ve been doing the same thing with the same results, and no significant movement change or clarity, you might be addicted to being stuck. When an unfaithful perceives that you, the betrayed, will not push the issue and will not take any significant action other than what you’ve already been doing, they will simply continue in their own pattern. Inherently, they are bullies, never fearing you’ll stand up to them, the situation or their tactics and they’ll always resort to doing what they have been doing. They are stuck, and waiting for them to change on their own, or come out of the fog only exacerbates the entire situation.
However, the betrayed then resorts to their own dysfunctional coping mechanisms and voila, we are stuck. There may be threats which are not followed through on, or cajoling or demanding or pleading, but nothing changes. It’s at this time (months or even years later) when you begin to see you’re stuck and nothing is working. It’s an addiction to the drama and the chaos if you will, which promotes a fear of taking any steps in any direction. You’re stuck. Your spouse is stuck. It’s exhausting. It’s demeaning. It breeds hopelessness and resentment and quite frankly, it’s no way to live. You both deserve more, but someone has to see it and want it bad enough to take action.
I’ve talked to more spouses than I can count who have experienced this addiction. It leaves both spouses frustrated and seemingly paralyzed, unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel or much less, any light in their spouse’s eyes. Addicted to being stuck can be blamed on lack of finances, children, dysfunctional patterns in your spouse, abandonment issues or even just busyness of life. As long as we blame others, we’ll never take responsibility for our own health and well-being. Only one thing will remedy the addiction: someone taking right action.
More times than not, it’s the betrayed spouse who must take right action and inevitably decide they are going to get healthy and no longer tolerate the addiction. One of the biggest elements to taking action is simply fear. While I’m not going to launch out into an assault on fear, I will share some thoughts the betrayed may be pondering:
“But what if I (they) do this too early Samuel?” Again, this post is for those who have been stuck for a while. A couple of weeks is not a while. Anything longer than 90 or 120 days can be considered ‘a while’ to be stuck and anyone dealing with this ‘stuck-ness’ for over a year has certainly reached the point where things should probably be moving in one direction or another. If it’s been ‘a while’ your right action will not be too early. Waiting much longer for them to simply ‘wake up’ is unrealistic and is usually supported by false hope. If they don’t want to be with you, or if they don’t want to do what it takes to get healthy and fight for merely the chance to be with you, do you really want to extend this paralysis and despair?
“If I divorce them they will just say it was my fault and blame it on me. They are just waiting for me to do it so they can pin it on me.” Let them pin it on you. THEY are not changing. They are not getting healthy either. They will blame you no matter what anyway, so let them blame you for stopping the insanity. You can’t prevent them from blaming you their whole life if they want to. That’s their fault. You go get healthy. Stop the addiction and the cycle. More than likely, you will have to be the one who stops the back and forth, and at the very least filing for divorce may get them ‘unstuck.’ They are too blind, too addicted, too cowardly or maybe even too deceived to take any action and someone has to be the healthy one. Someone has to want it bad enough to take a stand for right living and right thinking and right loving. It’s probably going to be you.
By standing up for healthy living, you give yourself the best chance at stopping the charade and creating space for them to possibly wake up, and help you both start to get ‘unstuck.’
In the next post I’ll share more thoughts and concerns regarding stopping the addiction.
As I alluded to in my last post, sometimes a couple ends up addicted to being stuck. Your first inclination might be to say “Samuel, you mean the unfaithful spouse is addicted to being stuck, right?”
Unfortunately, no. In order to be addicted to being stuck, the old saying “It takes two to tango” has never been truer. For a couple to be stuck, both spouses have to be locked in a paradigm that simply isn’t working.
This feeling of being stuck is a common occurrence when neither spouse does anything different than the pattern they have been exhibiting for a considerable amount of time. What’s a considerable amount of time you might ask? I’d say usually anywhere from 6 months to as much as 6 years. The fact is, if you’ve been doing the same thing with the same results, and no significant movement change or clarity, you might be addicted to being stuck. When an unfaithful…
Continue reading →
Do They Really Want To Be With Me?
Yesterday I was talking to a betrayed spouse and their question was “How do I know he really wants to be with me?”
My humorous reply was “Well, he’s there with you now, taking the heat isn’t he? He could be with her, but he’s with you, trying to get it right, riiiigggghhhhhht?” She laughed and thought about it for a bit, and we continued our dialogue. It didn’t settle the issue once and for all as many infidelity related issues are not settled once and for all in a mere sentence. However, it did point her down the road to a better understanding of some things the more we talked.
Reality is, for the most part, if the spouse didn’t want to be there, he/she wouldn’t be. Yes, if the affair partner was married and wanted to work on their own marriage, they may have had the affair cut off for them and so it can be easy to think that merely ‘by default’ they are there with you. However, if the spouse is there in the home, showing effort, I think it’s generally a good indication of where they want to be. Note: if financial issues prevent them from moving out, or if you are in an in-home separation, I understand that may not be the case. This blog may not be the most fitting for you and I’m sorry for that. I totally get that every situation is different to some extent and I don’t want to offend you or marginalize you in any way. It may not be true for you and I’m aware of that.
However, for those who are in the same house giving it a best effort (and even that is debatable for some I know), then I’d venture to say they want to be with you or are at the very least, trying to be with you. The “what abouts” are what’s going to seek to undermine the entire healing process though. What about what they did together? What about what they shared and what they said? What about her looks and what about their physical intimacy? The "what abouts" are truly endless. It will take expert help to navigate through them. I’d recommend Harboring Hope which is exceptional for the betrayed spouse.
While the pain you are in and the reminders are both valid and difficult to overcome, I’d like to focus on the fact that many times we can let the “what abouts” continue to steal from us the present. The unfaithful spouse may be there, in the home, working on the marriage doing what they can to save it. One big problem is they may not even know what to do and are only trying to not anger you any more than you already are. Alternatively, if they are refusing to get help and are refusing to work on the marriage, then perhaps it’s time to end the charade and separate and maybe even head towards divorce. That’s the God’s honest truth. If there isn’t a desire to at the very least get help and sincerely work, then I’d suggest you implement consequences to that behavior and move towards pulling away from the toxic environment altogether.
However, if they are working, showing effort and dedication, I would suggest three key points:
They are in their own way choosing you. They could be elsewhere probably, or at the very least, maybe in a hotel or somewhere else but they are there. If they are leaning into the pain and the anger you are experiencing, then at some level they are working at it. Is it enough? Well, it depends on the amount of time passed and what help has been implemented. Some say “well, just being here isn’t enough”. I get that and for the most part agree. However, early on, momentum is hard to come by and produce and until they, the unfaithful, are given steps and procedures to implement, they will likely be lost, clueless on what to do.
Beating them up with anger or resentment will not prove helpful. I know it happens and will continue to happen and you deserve to know all the details of the affair(s). However, continuing to berate, antagonize or torture your mate will prove frustrating and exhausting. Getting help to prevent the anger or resentment from winning is a far better choice. Without the right kind of equipped, expert help, it will continue to happen time after time after time. During sex, during dinner, driving together, you name it. If it’s there, it will find a way to the top and while understandable, it must be slowly but surely addressed properly if healing and new life is going to be found.
Take the pressure off to make any decisions. Unless you’ve received expert help in a controlled environment, it may be too early to decide what the fate of the marriage is. Yes, even if its years down the road. If it’s been a considerable amount of time, coupled with expert help, then maybe it is time to make some decisions. Maybe they just don’t want it and you might be addicted to being stuck? We’ll talk about being addicted to being stuck tomorrow.
Yesterday I was talking to a betrayed spouse and their question was “How do I know he really wants to be with me?”
My humorous reply was “Well, he’s there with you now, taking the heat isn’t he? He could be with her, but he’s with you, trying to get it right, riiiigggghhhhhht?” She laughed and thought about it for a bit, and we continued our dialogue. It didn’t settle the issue once and for all as many infidelity related issues are not settled once and for all in a mere sentence. However, it did point her down the road to a better understanding of some things the more we talked.
Reality is, for the most part, if the spouse didn’t want to be there, he/she wouldn’t be. Yes, if the affair partner was married and wanted to work on their own marriage, they may have had the affair cut off for them and so it can be easy to think that merely ‘by default’ they are there with you. However,…
Continue reading →
Saboteurs
There are several factors that will sabotage personal as well as marital healing. Unless you’ve been through infidelity, you won’t’ easily identify them and may even encourage a few things which are actually saboteurs in disguise. Unfortunately, therapists can even fall victim to these errors which end up completely undermining the entire process of recovery for both spouses as well as unnecessarily creating yet another wall to have to leap over in recovery.
I liken these saboteurs to another name, roots. Roots are not easily seen and very easily hide beneath the surface. A tree has an insane amount of roots to it, yet we see so few, if any, besides its trunk. The longer I do what I do, the deeper I understand that infidelity is a life changing trauma. It doesn’t mean it can’t be healed but it does mean it has the ability to reshape someone’s life for either reformation or devastation. While I won’t relegate it to just some platitude, in many ways though, it’s how we process it, the help we seek out and the roots we allow to grow which will forever alter our lives for good or bad.
I’ll address two roots today, one for the betrayed and one for the unfaithful.
Root: The first root is the root of justification. We, the unfaithful, love to justify our affair(s). If only our spouse was this, that or the other. If only they weren’t so rejecting. If only they would have paid attention and given us the love and acceptance our affair partner gave us. I tried and tried to give him/her what she needed, but they were just never happy and it was never enough. I saw no way out.
Uprooting it: Fact is, all that may be true. They, the betrayed, may have been a mess. They may have been rejecting or struggled with all sorts of issues. I’m sure they were not perfect in any regard. But the fact is you felt about your spouse what you felt about your affair partner, years or decades earlier. The way to find solutions to your marital woes is never an affair. Justifying the affair only masks the shame one feels for their choices and it’s an enabler: enabling you to push away guilt and remorse and further lie to yourself that what you did was OK and justifiable and should be minimized. It only turns the knife in your betrayed spouse’s back, seemingly re-wounding them time and time again. You will only heal by owning what you’ve done.
Root: The second root is the root of bitterness. The betrayed find it incredibly hard to overcome the anger and resentment i.e. bitterness they feel about the affair(s). I’ve talked to betrayed spouses who are three, four or five years down the road from their spouse’s disclosure and they are stuck in bitterness and resentment. These roots discolor every action and every deed the unfaithful may do in an attempt of genuinely displaying empathy and remorse.
Uprooting it: Resentment imprisons the betrayed and keeps them stuck in their own pain and hurt, never allowing themselves to forgive and gain new life. Please note you have not and will not see any words saying ‘get over it, move on.’ Yet, we all have a choice how we respond in life. We can remain stuck in our anger and hatred, or we can gain new life by at the very least, pursuing our own healing and our own restoration. Letting go of bitterness does NOT imply what happened was OK or in any way permissible. But forgiveness is all about helping you set yourself free, even if the unfaithful is not empathetic or remorseful. That’s their issue. That’s their deception. That’s their choice. You have a choice to let go of bitterness and resentment and find new life, with deeper resolve and deeper perspective about joy which is still attainable in life, despite the pain you’ve been through. The timeline of such palpable joy is different for all, yet still attainable as you pursue new life and new hope. Bitterness will discolor every sunset, every song, every act. It will remain a saboteur and thief to all you endeavor to chase for new meaning in life. Uprooting bitterness will change every area of your life as well as the way in which you interpret every event in life.
I pray we all let go of the sabotaging voices which seek to lead us further and further away from the shore of health and healing. I’ve allowed sabotaging voices and lies to destroy and discolor a part of my life and I hope and pray I never fall prey to them again. I can only forge ahead, anchoring myself to truth and righteousness.
There are several factors that will sabotage personal as well as marital healing. Unless you’ve been through infidelity, you won’t’ easily identify them and may even encourage a few things which are actually saboteurs in disguise. Unfortunately, therapists can even fall victim to these errors which end up completely undermining the entire process of recovery for both spouses as well as unnecessarily creating yet another wall to have to leap over in recovery.
I liken these saboteurs to another name, roots. Roots are not easily seen and very easily hide beneath the surface. A tree has an insane amount of roots to it, yet we see so few, if any, besides its trunk. The longer I do what I do, the deeper I understand that infidelity is a life changing trauma. It doesn’t mean it can’t be healed but it does mean it has the ability to reshape someone’s life for either reformation or…
Continue reading →
Deadening the Pain
The older I get, the more life throws at me and the older my kids get, the more I understand that life is filled with pain. Some is intense and at the top of the scale like infidelity, shame, moral failure and the destruction our choices create. Other pain can be smaller like the pain of rejection from a child, or a failed business deal, or the inability to provide the way you’d like to for your family.
I like to deaden my pain. I really do. One of my favorite books I’ve read in the last 10 years is Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I highly recommend it. Take for example a quote of his:
“People who find some way to deaden their pain never discover their desire for God in all its fullness. They rather live for relief and become addicts to whatever provides it. Inconsolable pain, the kind that drives away every vestige of happiness and renders us incapable of fully enjoying any pleasure, can be healed by discovering a capacity for a different kind of joy. That is the function of pain, to carry us into the inner recesses of our being that wants God. We need to let our soul-pain do its work by experiencing it fully…..alternatively if we do not, we become servants to whatever makes us feel better. “
I’d like to hone in on the fact that we must allow our pain to do its work, deep within us. Maybe it’s the pain of our own choices and the sobering reality that we have permanently scarred our spouse and anyone else caught in the crosshairs due to our choices. Perhaps it’s the fact that you’re a betrayed spouse, in more pain than you’ve ever experienced and wonder if there is any relief at all.
For the unfaithful we attempt to deaden our pain by the following:
We push the betrayed to get over it and stop talking about it as we don’t want to relive it. We want to deaden the pain and deaden the hurt and shame we feel about our own choices and if you’ll stop talking about it, we’ll stop feeling the pain and hurt. We don’t know how to process it anyway.
We get angry and try to bully anyone and everyone that gets in our way. People become speedbumps and we will bully you to get what we want. We’re hurt and we’re in pain. Our anger and in some cases rage, is a cathartic release to distract us from the hurt and confusion we feel.
We go back to the old behavior as it, in a very dark way, frees us from the fight to push against the darkness in us and in life. If we just cave and retreat, at least we don’t need to fight anymore and we can just seemingly relax.
If you’re a betrayed, here are some ways the betrayed may try and deaden their pain:
You attack your spouse, shaming them, and belittling them as it feels better. You feel a release (temporarily) by attacking them and making yourself feel like the better person and remind them of their failures and colossal mistakes, as often as you need to in an attempt to feel better.
You pull back from them. You inform your spouse they need to ‘go fix themselves’ and you will not be doing any work and you didn’t ask for this and you didn’t ask for this pain. So you inform them you’ll be doing your own thing, till they get healthy and fix themselves.
You minimize what has happened, maybe pretend it’s not nearly as bad as it was, and try to lessen the severity of it all.
With the amount of traffic and input I receive from the betrayed spouses here, I’d love it if you would share how you, a betrayed spouse, try and deaden your pain. It will probably help the multitudes of other betrayed spouses who are trying to heal.
The older I get, the more life throws at me and the older my kids get, the more I understand that life is filled with pain. Some is intense and at the top of the scale like infidelity, shame, moral failure and the destruction our choices create. Other pain can be smaller like the pain of rejection from a child, or a failed business deal, or the inability to provide the way you’d like to for your family.
I like to deaden my pain. I really do. One of my favorite books I’ve read in the last 10 years is Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I highly recommend it. Take for example a quote of his:
“People who find some way to deaden their pain never discover their desire for God in all its fullness. They rather live for relief and become addicts to whatever provides it. Inconsolable pain, the kind that drives away every vestige…
Continue reading →
Don’t Make The Unfaithful The Star of the Show
Often times, the unfaithful feels stuck: stuck between two people, their spouse and their affair partner.
One is a life of illusion and fantasy and their needs seemingly being met anytime they choose.
One is a life of responsibilities, conflict, unmet needs and you know real life.
It’s not uncommon at all that the betrayed spouse will chase the unfaithful spouse. Whether it’s to woo them or win them the fact remains they are pursuing their spouse. Who wouldn’t? It’s the normal knee jerk reaction and we’re not playing cards here. This is real life with often times decades of marital history involved and what was supposed to be ‘till death do us part.’
Keep in mind, the unfaithful is also being pursued by their affair partner. Many, not all, but many affair partners (soft data if you will, would be about 65%) will not only seek to undermine the marriage, but magnify the weaknesses of the betrayed spouse in an attempt to woo the unfaithful spouse back to solidify or reinforce the affair. In most cases it’s incredibly hard for the affair partner to let go of the unfaithful spouse and will usually stop at nothing to keep the affair going.
In this scenario, the unfaithful is the ‘star of the show.’ They have it both ways. They are pursued by the betrayed spouse and they are pursued by the affair partner. Quite frankly, they may feel guilt and remorse, but they love the attention and drama far more than they feel guilt, remorse or sorrow. After all, who doesn’t like attention, affirmation and being pursued? It becomes like a drug to them. They are now stuck and refuse to let go of the drug-like attention they are getting from both sides.
While every situation is different, there are similarities and in this particular situation, I would encourage you (the betrayed) to no longer make the unfaithful spouse the star. Chasing them, pursuing them or trying to woo them only exacerbates the situation and will continue the dysfunction. Even harassing them or punishing them is an act of attention and will prove not only exhausting but frustrating. Pulling back, ending the insanity and refusing to play the ‘chase me game’ will usually pay far more dividends than allowing the game to continue. Inflicting consequences to their duplicity will usually help wake them up or cause them to rethink the marriage far more than playing the celebrity game.
If you’re an unfaithful reading this, I hope and pray you see the damage you’re inflicting upon both your spouse and even the affair partner. You’re stuck my friend and you’re a wrecking ball without brakes and it’s not buildings that are in the mix: it’s people, lives, relationships and maybe even kids. There is hope. There is help. There is, a better way.
Often times, the unfaithful feels stuck: stuck between two people, their spouse and their affair partner.
One is a life of illusion and fantasy and their needs seemingly being met anytime they choose.
One is a life of responsibilities, conflict, unmet needs and you know real life.
It’s not uncommon at all that the betrayed spouse will chase the unfaithful spouse. Whether it’s to woo them or win them the fact remains they are pursuing their spouse. Who wouldn’t? It’s the normal knee jerk reaction and we’re not playing cards here. This is real life with often times decades of marital history involved and what was supposed to be ‘till death do us part.’
Keep in mind, the unfaithful is also being pursued by their affair partner. Many, not all, but many affair partners (soft data if you will, would be about 65%) will not only seek to undermine the marriage, but magnify the…
Continue reading →
Did I Cause My Spouse to Have an Affair?
This is a tough one. A short blog makes it impossible to be exhaustive, but I’ll be as specific as space and time allows.
Fact is you don’t make anyone have an affair. An unfaithful spouse cheats because of their own inability to face up to their marital situation and perceived dissatisfaction and handle it a better way, the right way.
Yes, my marriage had some vulnerabilities. Samantha admitted she rejected me emotionally and sexually pretty frequently. She also admits that she was disapproving and I was treated like a second or third child depending on what year of marriage we were in. I felt like I was treated like royalty everywhere outside of my home, but inside my home I never could do enough or be enough. I was frustrated. I was selfish and self-absorbed. Yep: I had a messiah complex. Eventually I was hopeless. I ended up quitting and simply thinking that a double life is the only way I’m going to be able to be happy in life.
It was a lie. It was a lie I told myself to justify my affair and push away the guilt and shame I felt about my double life.
You didn’t cause your spouse to have an affair. Therapists who say things like “Well, it’s no wonder he/she cheated” or “I would have cheated too if my marriage was as nonsexual as yours was” or better yet, one I heard just today “If a man isn’t getting what he needs at home, he’s going to go find it somewhere with someone.”
It’s lunacy…..and it’s inexperience.
Even if you have vulnerabilities in the marriage, it doesn’t justify you or your spouse cheating. There is a large volume of productive things you, your spouse or I could have done instead of going outside our marriage to get our perceived needs met.
Please hear me: you, the betrayed, did not make your spouse have an affair.
Here’s the rub though: you, the betrayed, may have made it easier to cheat. Certainly, not always but in many cases the marriage may have been fragile.
You may have allowed or created vulnerability and in order to fully heal as a marriage, you’ll need to own that reality. It in no way whatsoever justifies your spouse cheating. Nevertheless, recovery is about finding new life for the marriage and spouses involved and no spouse is perfect and no spouse is perfectly attentive to the needs of their spouse. The unfaithful did find their needs met in the affair partner. It was probably a fantasy. It was probably deception. It was probably a huge illusion that this is their new found soul mate, when the betrayed was their original soul mate, years or even decades earlier.
I’m not saying the unfaithful is justified at all.
I’m also not saying that the betrayed is perfect and without the need to own some things in the marriage. That’s just marriage and that’s just life. We all need to own things.
Yet, people have affairs because they are unhealthy, selfish and convince themselves they have no other option when reality that’s just not true.
This is a tough one. A short blog makes it impossible to be exhaustive, but I’ll be as specific as space and time allows.
Fact is you don’t make anyone have an affair. An unfaithful spouse cheats because of their own inability to face up to their marital situation and perceived dissatisfaction and handle it a better way, the right way.
Yes, my marriage had some vulnerabilities. Samantha admitted she rejected me emotionally and sexually pretty frequently. She also admits that she was disapproving and I was treated like a second or third child depending on what year of marriage we were in. I felt like I was treated like royalty everywhere outside of my home, but inside my home I never could do enough or be enough. I was frustrated. I was selfish and self-absorbed. Yep: I had a messiah complex. Eventually I was hopeless. I ended up quitting and simply thinking that a double life is…
Continue reading →
Going Public: Restoring Honor
To tell or not to tell is a huge question for any couple in recovery. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years, couples always wonder if they will tell anyone, ever, in their life. Some truly want to heal, move on, and never talk about it to anyone ever again. Others want to find a stage and tell the world and see others heal. I understand both positions and have operated within both of them.
For Samantha and I, we’ve been very open with our story. I would write this blog under my real name, but the executive leadership at AR has asked for our names to be kept private for those that are uncomfortable telling anyone their story. I get it.
However, I have found an incredibly equal playing field in life when I share my story or a version of our story with people. (Disclaimer: to share a story like ours, it must be a safe place. Not every place is safe to tell your story and not everyone listening may be safe. But, for us, when we feel safe, we’ll tell our story very openly.)
It’s like every wall that can come down, comes down immediately when I share versions of our story. Just a few weeks ago, during a new small group we started attending from church, I shared a polite version of our story. I say polite meaning; I didn’t get into the nitty-gritty details and usually don’t, but the story and journey enough makes people’s eyes widen and gets their attention rather quickly. As I shared, the honor and the heroic nature of Samantha’s forgiveness shined through. I didn’t feel like a doormat. I didn’t feel like a failure. I was still ashamed of what I did, but I’m more aware of God’s forgiveness and reconciliation than I am any shame. I felt like I was using what could have killed us to help another couple, and observers as well, understand that God is with us even in the midst of our most wicked and horrible failures. That if God was not taken back or surprised at my failure, he must have ready grace (future grace if you will) for us in every other area of our lives. The hero in the story besides almighty God was Samantha. The honor that was bestowed by sharing our story was more than I figured it would be. These women began to flock to her to ask questions and talk about how our story caused them to see their own lives and current situations so differently. The men were also moved by the fact that I’d share openly about my deepest failure.
While our journey and my failure was humiliating for both myself and for Samantha, times like this are being used to restore honor to the situation. When Samantha shares her story to other women, it’s like she becomes an immediate beacon of light and hope for desperate situations which few can relate to. Looking at Samantha, you’d never know we’ve been through what we’ve been through. When she feels safe and shares her story, the ability to connect and encourage is practically unrivaled. She has become a fixture for the endless ability of God’s grace and healing power.
I wonder if sharing your story, in a safe place, might be a tool to restoring honor in your own marriage? Perhaps there are coming venues to share versions of your story in an attempt to help others heal and find courage to forge ahead? Maybe, just maybe, you didn’t go through all you went through just for you and others may heal and grow from it?
To tell or not to tell is a huge question for any couple in recovery. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years, couples always wonder if they will tell anyone, ever, in their life. Some truly want to heal, move on, and never talk about it to anyone ever again. Others want to find a stage and tell the world and see others heal. I understand both positions and have operated within both of them.
For Samantha and I, we’ve been very open with our story. I would write this blog under my real name, but the executive leadership at AR has asked for our names to be kept private for those that are uncomfortable telling anyone their story. I get it.
However, I have found an incredibly equal playing field in life when I share my story or a version of our story with people. (Disclaimer: to share a story like ours, it must be a safe place. Not every place is safe to tell your…
Continue reading →
Stop Trashing the Affair Partner
It’s very common. As a betrayed spouse learns of whom the affair partner was, the lights start to come on a bit. If the affair partner was a good friend or best friend of the betrayed spouse, the whole situation becomes a ‘double betrayal’ for the hurt spouse. They’ve now been betrayed by both their spouse and their friend. It really is one of the toughest situations to face within the world of infidelity.
Eventually, the betrayed is faced with raging emotions and a sense of violation. Often times the affair partner will not quit or go away quietly either. It’s at this point that the betrayed many times will start to tear down and trash the affair partner. Don’t get me wrong, they may deserve it, but it’s a no win situation.
In what seems like a knee jerk reaction, the unfaithful spouse will start to defend their affair partner. Even if that affair partner is acting or has acted unreasonably, even hateful, the unfaithful starts to feel as though they almost have to defend their affair partner. They, the unfaithful, resort to this behavior for a few reasons:
Most times, they feel like they loved or love their affair partner. There is an instinctual defense mechanism that kicks in and they start to defend the affair partner. Usually this happens early on in recovery as the unfaithful is usually still clouded in their feelings, emotions and understanding of the entire situation. Since they have feelings for their affair partner it’s their instinct to defend them out of perceived genuine love or care.
If you’re attacking the affair partner, you’re also attacking the unfaithful spouse. Remember, the unfaithful chose the affair partner. The unfaithful feels as though you are attacking them as you’re tearing apart their ‘choosing behavior or preferences’ if you will. While you may rail and attack the affair partner, the unfaithful begins to take on a personalization of your attack. They feel as though you’re attacking their preferences and discretion and if they do not at least fight back initially, they probably are internally. You, the betrayed, may feel this is ridiculous, but the fact is, they allowed the affair partner into their lives and while you may feel somewhat cathartic by destroying the affair partner's image, it will usually backfire. We also call this shaming the unfaithful, yet shaming them for the choices they have made. Again, they are personalizing your attacks and it only pushes them farther and farther away.
Frequently, the affair partner had 20% of what the marriage may not have had. You, the betrayed spouse, probably have about 80% of what the unfaithful wanted, needed and desperately desires. So yes, as you have probably correctly assumed, we the unfaithful will trade the much needed 80% for the sought after 20%. That 20% is shiny, attention getting and seems like greener grass. You, the betrayed may have taken care of the kids with incredible skill and prowess. You may be able to pay the bills and manage the check book to the cent. You might be able to whip up a meal that’s incredibly healthy and meets all the necessary criteria. The affair partner may be able to do none of this, yet she can bat her eyes, or share a few words of praise and it lights up the unfaithful spouse. He/she/we are exchanging the 80% for the 20% and we all know 20% can only last so long. Yet, here’s the rub: you may be attacking the mere 20% in another person which can possibly be a blind spot in your own life. The unfaithful will perceive you as weak in many cases or self-righteous and again, it sets you and the healing process back considerably.
While you may have every right to attack the affair partner, it’s not about rights at this point. It’s about what works and what doesn’t work. It’s about finding a strategy to give you both the best possible chance at healing and I’m sorry, attacking or trashing the affair partner will just not bring healing or closure.
It’s very common. As a betrayed spouse learns of whom the affair partner was, the lights start to come on a bit. If the affair partner was a good friend or best friend of the betrayed spouse, the whole situation becomes a ‘double betrayal’ for the hurt spouse. They’ve now been betrayed by both their spouse and their friend. It really is one of the toughest situations to face within the world of infidelity.
Eventually, the betrayed is faced with raging emotions and a sense of violation. Often times the affair partner will not quit or go away quietly either. It’s at this point that the betrayed many times will start to tear down and trash the affair partner. Don’t get me wrong, they may deserve it, but it’s a no win situation.
In what seems like a knee jerk reaction, the unfaithful spouse will start to defend their affair partner. Even if that affair partner is acting…
Continue reading →
I Didn’t Always Lose…..I Won’t Always Lose Again
One of my favorite movies since our own D-Day is Cinderella Man with Russell Crowe. It’s a classic tale of a man who loses everything, pushes through the recession and rises again to be a championship fighter. I cry every time and I feel like conquering the world after I watch it. I highly recommend it for both betrayed and unfaithful spouses as a bit of a journey into the world of ‘coming back’ and finding hope and faith again. During a pivotal scene James Braddock, played by Russell Crowe, utters a line I’ve found myself saying over and over again sometimes during tough times…..
“I didn’t always lose…..I won’t always lose again.”
As a business man, I’ve lost a ton of deals and even more money. It hurt like hell every single time. I’ve also had some wonderful years and some unbelievable months and opportunities.
As a professional baseball player, I had some wonderful outings as a pitcher that would make you wonder why I’m not still pitching in the big leagues to this day. I’ve also had some outings where I wonder why anyone ever signed me to a contract.
I’ve also preached some sermons as a pastor that I wonder why Rick Warren or various Christian TV Programs aren’t calling me to be on their show weekly. Then I’ve preached some sermons that made me question whether or not I was even a Christian.
It’s true in life and it’s true in recovery. We probably didn’t always lose and suffer and blow it like we have, and we won’t keep failing and losing in life if we get the right help and the right recovery mechanisms in place. Everyone in their own recovery process at times wants to quit and give up and throw it all away. The pressure, the anger, the misunderstanding, the resentment, the residue: it all just eats you up sometimes.
Last night a gentleman I work with texted me “I quit….I’m done.”
How many times have I felt the same way? How many more times has Samantha felt the same way. I replied “You can quit. For tonight. Don’t do anything stupid. Go to bed then get up and get back at it. It won’t always be this hard.”
That’s my thoughts and encouragement for you today my friend. It won’t always be this hard. Today may be excruciating and last night or even the last few weeks may have been enormously difficult. You may have lost everything in business or in life. I get it. Believe me, check my own text message thread for the last 9 years and you’ll see more carnage, failure and stubbornness than you can shake a stick at.
But today is about pushing through and not giving up.
If you’re an unfaithful, it won’t always be this hard or difficult. If you’re a betrayed, it won’t always hurt this much and it won’t always be cloudy every day. Do something for you today. If the situation is right, or even open, do two something’s for your spouse today. You won’t always feel what you are feeling right now. I know it hurts like hell, but you have a choice how you respond to it today. I pray you find the grace to go another day, moving forward, not backward in even an incremental way.
I didn’t always lose….I won’t always lose again…..
One of my favorite movies since our own D-Day is Cinderella Man with Russell Crowe. It’s a classic tale of a man who loses everything, pushes through the recession and rises again to be a championship fighter. I cry every time and I feel like conquering the world after I watch it. I highly recommend it for both betrayed and unfaithful spouses as a bit of a journey into the world of ‘coming back’ and finding hope and faith again. During a pivotal scene James Braddock, played by Russell Crowe, utters a line I’ve found myself saying over and over again sometimes during tough times…..
“I didn’t always lose…..I won’t always lose again.”
As a business man, I’ve lost a ton of deals and even more money. It hurt like hell every single time. I’ve also had some wonderful years and some unbelievable months and opportunities.
As a professional baseball player, I had some wonderful outings…
Continue reading →
Why is the Affair Partner More Appealing than Me?
First of all, most affairs are based upon fantasy, and a fantasy is always more alluring than reality, especially when you add about the years spent together, the resentments that have built up, and the responsibilities pulling you in multiple directions to that reality. Add kids, mortgages, mood swings, PMS, menopause, financial pressures and you have a recipe for potential disaster if help is not sought out soon enough. Affairs are based upon another life that is free from the pressures of life and reality. It’s easier (albeit selfish and cowardly) to have an affair than it is to do the work to fix your marriage or yourself.
The grass always looks greener after about 5 or 10 years of marriage, and we don’t make the connection early enough sometimes that if we’ll nourish our own relationship, we can have what we want in our marriage, not an affair.
An affair partner may seem more appealing to your spouse because the lust associated with an affair partner can seem overpowering and just plain fantastical. It’s new. There are no kids in the way. It’s automatic and electric. The nature of it is like a drug.
The reality though, is it was probably that way when you and your spouse first started out as well.
Love becomes a choice as we get older and more mature.
Samantha is who and what I want to date. Our sex life has been redeemed in a way which one couple hearing our story said “Are you lying…that seems unrealistic?” It’s truth. Yes there are some bad times. Yes we fight frequently about money, child rearing and normal stuff. But I have no desire to be with my affair partner, and I don’t want a new affair partner. Yes, I am tempted and yes there are temptations that follow me around, but life is different now. I have accountability in place. I have my head on straight. Samantha and I are more connected than we’ve ever been before.
There will always be someone who is younger and more voluptuous. That’s lust. That’s fantasy. Samantha can find someone else who is also bigger, stronger, more muscular, and more attractive. I get that too.
If the betrayed lives in constant comparison mode, the opportunity for new life remains limited. If the unfaithful refuses to get the right help, he/she may stay stuck, disconnected from his affair partner in the visible world, yet still paralyzed by the desire for reconnection with them.
The truth is, an affair partner may seem more alluring than you (or your spouse) as it’s about escapism and fantasy. Escapism is fun but unrealistic and forever damaging to your mate.
Don’t allow yourself to be paralyzed by comparison. It’s toxic and is about torturing yourself or your mate, and no one needs that my friend.
First of all, most affairs are based upon fantasy, and a fantasy is always more alluring than reality, especially when you add about the years spent together, the resentments that have built up, and the responsibilities pulling you in multiple directions to that reality. Add kids, mortgages, mood swings, PMS, menopause, financial pressures and you have a recipe for potential disaster if help is not sought out soon enough. Affairs are based upon another life that is free from the pressures of life and reality. It’s easier (albeit selfish and cowardly) to have an affair than it is to do the work to fix your marriage or yourself.
The grass always looks greener after about 5 or 10 years of marriage, and we don’t make the connection early enough sometimes that if we’ll nourish our own relationship, we can have what we want in our marriage, not an affair.
An affair partner may…
Continue reading →
Will I (the Cheating Spouse) Ever Be the Same Again?
(From the Current Series Nagging Questions)
Quite honestly, I hope you (the unfaithful) will not ever be the same ever again. I hope this would be the change you didn’t even know you were looking for, but have finally found.
I’m also quite sure your spouse is probably hoping you’re never the same again either. They may secretly want to go back to the way life was before the affair, or even before the affair was known, yet reality is that life is gone. We’ve taken from them the illusion that that life was perfect. It wasn’t perfect, because we hid a great secret from them. It doesn’t mean life is now void of meaning or joy though. It can and will one day return again, and the sooner you get serious about recovery, the sooner the joy and new normal will arrive.
Not too long ago I was listening to Samantha share with other women how this whole nightmare affected our lives and she said something that was very moving. She was telling our story and then said this: “I had prayed for change to Samuel and to our situation for years, but it never came. I thought God wasn’t going to do anything about it and I was just left for dead to deal with it. Then this all happened and came out. While it’s not the way I wanted change to come, I’m so glad it did and I’m so glad it happened. It changed me, it changed Samuel, it changed our theology. I hope we’re never the same again.”
If I may be so bold with you, the unfaithful, you shouldn’t want to be the same again. You shouldn’t want to be able to cheat again and justify it over and over again if that’s what you did. You shouldn’t want to have another affair. You shouldn’t want to live a double life again. You shouldn’t want to ever see the same hurt or pain in your spouse’s eyes again. You shouldn’t want to have to relive this nightmare all over again. You should want to see God differently, and your kids differently and your spouse differently and life as a whole differently. I pray you’re never the same again and you begin to make the changes you want to make. I hope you’ll humble yourself, rather than having to be humbled.
I also hope you, the betrayed, won’t let life just return to business as usual. It’s a trap and it’s probably going to increase the chances of relapse for the unfaithful. I know it hurts like hell. I know you probably wish the nightmare would end and you could wake up and then go back to the life you once knew. I’m sorry, but you can’t. However, life can in fact, become richer and more profound for you both. I’m living proof it can. It won’t ‘just happen’ and it won’t happen overnight, but it can happen. Forge ahead today my friend. Refuse to give up or return to the old life.
(From the Current Series Nagging Questions)
Quite honestly, I hope you (the unfaithful) will not ever be the same ever again. I hope this would be the change you didn’t even know you were looking for, but have finally found.
I’m also quite sure your spouse is probably hoping you’re never the same again either. They may secretly want to go back to the way life was before the affair, or even before the affair was known, yet reality is that life is gone. We’ve taken from them the illusion that that life was perfect. It wasn’t perfect, because we hid a great secret from them. It doesn’t mean life is now void of meaning or joy though. It can and will one day return again, and the sooner you get serious about recovery, the sooner the joy and new normal will arrive.
Not too long ago I was listening to Samantha share with other women how this whole nightmare affected our lives and she…
Continue reading →
Why Not Just Divorce and Start Over?
(Nagging Questions Continued)
For some, the question finally arrives: why not just divorce my spouse and move on?
I’ll never forget, Samantha and I were in our room talking, and she launched out into a pretty good rant about how angry and hurt she was. In a defining moment, through tears of very defining sorrow she said to me “if we didn’t have kids, it would be easy: we could just divorce and move on. But now, I don’t know…..”
It not only hit me like a ton of bricks, it sobered me up a bit to the reality that she was considering all options, including separation and divorce. I didn’t want her to consider all options. I wanted her to simply say “I want to work it out. Let’s ride off into the sunset of ‘Another Chance’ and be happily ever after.” Nine years later, it’s been quite a ride, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
If you’re considering this reality today and are asking yourself this same question, here are some helpful insights from both myself and others who have had to walk this nightmare out before.
You don’t know what you don’t know. The marriage may be restorable and may end up being a new marriage, even if you can’t see it right now. The old marriage is dead, I know. But you can’t make a case to me that I would believe, that it can’t be restored and renewed, if both parties are willing to work on it and obtain the right kind of help.
Divorce wreaks havoc on everyone: you, your spouse, your kids, in-laws, EVERYONE. It’s not a decision to be rushed into or made out of hate, haste, or raw anger alone. Being raised under three different divorces, I hated them all and they tore apart every family. From the many who have in fact divorced and had significant talks with over the years, at least 90% have no idea what the process of divorce actually looked like. It’s not going to be without an incredible amount of hurt and pain. You may not see it, but I assure you it will be harder than you can imagine.
What if you’re just too hurt and too full of pain to be seeing straight? You may be missing out on a chance to see a miracle before your very eyes. Don’t’ let your current frustration blind you to the reality that you may be acting out of hurt and pain, not wisdom. How long has it been? What kind of help have you received? General counseling is almost never enough to help you: that’s the truth. Often times, it makes it worse. You’ll need expert help to deal with what you’re facing. Saying “we got help” as a cop out, almost always reveals the fact that we’re using other excuses to opt out of the marriage.
What if you, the unfaithful, are too disillusioned by your affair partner to be seeing straight? What if you’re in too deep to make a rational decision and you may be giving up on your spouse before he/she has had a chance to get the help they need? What you may be looking at right now, is not the extent of what the marriage may be, after the right help is administered to both of you. You have to admit feelings change, and feelings are no compass in life.
If you, the unfaithful, think you’re going to simply leave your marriage, divorce, and go be happily ever after, I’m sorry I’ve got news for you. You’re still leaving your marriage and taking your own personal unresolved issues (which created the affair in the first place) with you to the new relationship and marriage, and it’s really just a matter of time before that relationship is in upheaval as well. Your luggage follows you and will always, always, always arrive in your relationships if not dealt with. The trouble is, you can’t see it as you’re probably blinded by the euphoria of this new relationship when, years ago, you felt the same way about your spouse. Life, bills, seasons have all caught up to you and you may be throwing it all away unnecessarily.
Before you consider divorce, I hope and pray you’ll exhaust all opportunities to get help. If your spouse refuses to change or get help, then divorce may be your only reasonable option and anyone in their right mind would support you in that decision.
(Nagging Questions Continued)
For some, the question finally arrives: why not just divorce my spouse and move on?
I’ll never forget, Samantha and I were in our room talking, and she launched out into a pretty good rant about how angry and hurt she was. In a defining moment, through tears of very defining sorrow she said to me “if we didn’t have kids, it would be easy: we could just divorce and move on. But now, I don’t know…..”
It not only hit me like a ton of bricks, it sobered me up a bit to the reality that she was considering all options, including separation and divorce. I didn’t want her to consider all options. I wanted her to simply say “I want to work it out. Let’s ride off into the sunset of ‘Another Chance’ and be happily ever after.” Nine years later, it’s been quite a ride, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
If you’re considering this reality today and…
Continue reading →
Will the Reminders (Triggers) Ever Stop?
(Nagging Questions continued)
One of the biggest struggles for Samantha was reminders, particularly during sexual intercourse of any kind. They were unrelenting initially, and seemed to take forever to dissipate. It was not uncommon at all for her to retire to the bathroom to cry and try and get herself together, in hopes of returning to the bedroom. I hated every single minute of it. She hated it even more.
Then there were the triggers from TV shows, or comedians, or movies or… you name it. I had to become an expert in reviewing movies to make sure that there would be no hint of infidelity in them before we saw them. For I believe 9 months or so, we barely saw a movie if it wasn’t a Disney flick. Because my affair was highly emotionally and sexually charged, her reminders were gruesome. To say it was devastating would be a gross underestimation of how it affected her mentally, emotionally and sexually. Our sex life was ripped to shreds, and before the affair it already had its difficulties, so it felt like we were fighting a double barreled gun pointed at us every single day.
Across the board most experts would tell you that depending on the personality of the betrayed spouse, the reminders will be pretty strong for at least a year, maybe more. For some, they begin to dissipate at about a year to 18 months, yet for others, they will last in upwards of 24 months. It’s vital that the betrayed spouse, either male or female, obtain expert help like the harboring hope course on the site (https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope).
As Samantha did what she could to diffuse them, we gained momentum, in what seemed excruciatingly slow and tedious at first. To say I had to be patient with them cannot be underscored enough. They came at the very worst times, in the worst ways, and what seemed like a great day would shift in a millisecond. They say it takes 1/200th of a second for a person to flood, and flood Samantha did. Had she not had a couple trusted friends who had been through it before, and had she not had Rick, I’m positive I’d be divorced.
As Samantha was able to get healthy, the reminders would come less and less, and she would need less and less time to regroup. She may only take a walk to get some water, or take a few minutes to think and pray. We’d often times take a few minutes to pray when she had reminders, but we were able to get through them as we remained dedicated to the process of not letting them win, over time. Honestly though, some nights they seemed to win and winning to us meant we didn’t go to bed hating each other.
It’s been 9 years and things are pretty wonderful. They truly are. About a year ago, I had a text come across my phone that sent Samantha reeling. She read it wrong as someone was confessing their own struggles, but it was very similar to mine, and she thought it was my text. Needless to say it was a long couple hours as she had to go back to work. Yet, when she came home, we had about a 15 minute talk, she realized she was in a rush and jumped to an assumption, and we regrouped very quickly. We never needed to speak of it again and we regained momentum within the same hour.
While it’s not easy, it is possible. It does in fact get easier, when you are able to get the right help and the right coping mechanisms in place. As you both remain dedicated to the process of not giving up, you can and you will win, together. Remember, winning looks different during different stages of recovery.
(Nagging Questions continued)
One of the biggest struggles for Samantha was reminders, particularly during sexual intercourse of any kind. They were unrelenting initially, and seemed to take forever to dissipate. It was not uncommon at all for her to retire to the bathroom to cry and try and get herself together, in hopes of returning to the bedroom. I hated every single minute of it. She hated it even more.
Then there were the triggers from TV shows, or comedians, or movies or… you name it. I had to become an expert in reviewing movies to make sure that there would be no hint of infidelity in them before we saw them. For I believe 9 months or so, we barely saw a movie if it wasn’t a Disney flick. Because my affair was highly emotionally and sexually charged, her reminders were gruesome. To say it was devastating would be a gross…
Continue reading →
Can We Have What They Had?
(Nagging questions continued)
It’s a valid question: can you and your marriage have what your spouse and the affair partner had? To attempt to cover all bases I’ll approach from both sides of the marriage.
For the Unfaithful: I’ll never be able to have with my wife what I had with my affair partner. What I had in the affair was more fantasy than reality. Very little responsibilities, the ability to come and go as I pleased with little to no expectations, the newness of the physical intimacy, no kids to get in the middle of our time together, no bills to pay, and no ‘real life’ pressures. I was only around for the great parts of the affair partner and was celebrating the top 20-30% of her personality, not the entirety of her as a person. In an affair, I’m simply using the AP to make myself feel good, so I am free to leave or ignore the undesirable parts of who she is. It was off the chart passionate as it was forbidden sex, ‘what we’re not supposed to be doing’ sex. It wasn’t marriage sex, which after we’ve been married more than 10 years and had a few children, can start to wane and seem methodical and boring. What I had wasn’t real, it was a fantasy, and to expect my relationship with my wife to be anything like my relationship with my AP is simply not real. Samantha and I had been together for 11 years, and both of us stopped putting the same time into our marriage that I was putting into the affair. I was not only jaded, but I was giving my best everywhere else, besides to Samantha.
For the Betrayed: Your spouse has had an affair and lived in a dream world that has been all about them and their needs and their selfishness. To think you can compete with a fantasy of this proportion is simply just not realistic or healthy. It’s not even possible. There is too much water underneath the bridge and too many real-life responsibilities going on in the marriage to try and be what he/she was to them. They are the cheaters. They are the ones who’ve been unfaithful and if you have to chase your spouse to return, you’ll be chasing them throughout the rest of the marriage. (This is only applicable long-term. At the beginning of recovery when your spouse is still lost and disillusioned, it unfortunately will often fall to the betrayed spouse to drive recovery. If it’s been over 18-24 months and you’re still chasing after your unfaithful spouse, however, it may be time to turn and run the other way.) You simply cannot compare a fantasy with real life and real life expectations. It simply won’t work and it’s not the heart of the problem. The problem lies in the mind of the unfaithful and helping them return to real life and true perspective and you’ll need expert, infidelity specific help to see that happen. Without it, I’m sorry, there’s not much hope.
What can we learn then: The cold hard truth is, I had to return to giving my best to Samantha, not everyone else in my life. Not work, not the kids, not traveling, not anything else or anyone else, including the affair partner. It had to be given to Samantha. It would be a process to win back her trust and intimacy over time, through the skills we learned from Rick.
For Samantha, while she could not compete with my affair partner, she did realize a few things. Was there more room for passion in our marriage and our sex life? Yes. This was painful for her to hear, but it was a vital truth. She too was giving her best to the kids and giving me her left overs and it wasn’t working. Did she need to tackle a few issues in her personal life that were blocking our intimacy in marriage? Absolutely. It was as true for her as it was for me. Until I had the courage to face my own issues, Samantha would not feel safe enough confronting her own.
At the end of the day I wanted Samantha. I’ll never forget a night where we had sex and we both were trying to gain ground in the way we cared for each other. To say it was off the chart glorious sex would be a huge understatement. I remember thinking later on that night to myself how glad I was to be at home. I wept that night in gratitude for the fact that I was at home, with my wife, enjoying the intimacy I had longed for all along, without shame or embarrassment. I thanked God that night for the fact that I was with my wife, not my affair partner. I pray the same for each and every one of you today.
(Nagging questions continued)
It’s a valid question: can you and your marriage have what your spouse and the affair partner had? To attempt to cover all bases I’ll approach from both sides of the marriage.
For the Unfaithful: I’ll never be able to have with my wife what I had with my affair partner. What I had in the affair was more fantasy than reality. Very little responsibilities, the ability to come and go as I pleased with little to no expectations, the newness of the physical intimacy, no kids to get in the middle of our time together, no bills to pay, and no ‘real life’ pressures. I was only around for the great parts of the affair partner and was celebrating the top 20-30% of her personality, not the entirety of her as a person. In an affair, I’m simply using the AP to make myself feel good, so I am free to leave or ignore the…
Continue reading →
Will My Spouse Ever Be the Same Again?
Over the next few blogs I’m going to be tackling what I call some “nagging questions” that many ask me (and Rick) consistently. They will all be featured in my book so this will be a great way to polish them and obtain necessary feedback from you all as well. I always enjoy constructive feedback on the blog, especially from those in the trenches.
Will my spouse ever be the same again? The short answer is no. If you’re the unfaithful spouse, I would hope you do not want to remain the same, but pursue recovery to find the person God has created you and your spouse to now become in light of all that has changed. This whole nightmare may be the very impetus that begins the process of transformation in your life that both you and your spouse have been looking for.
For the betrayed, while you probably never asked for or deserved this, it can be a vehicle of raw and powerful transformation to your life. Time and time again I have heard betrayed spouses tell me with tears in their eyes, that though they wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s been an incredible vehicle of both personal and marital transformation. When you’re in the middle of the pain and suffering, it’s hard to think it’s being used for good, but it is. If you’ll trust the process (provided it’s a good one) you’ll find great healing and hope.
If you’ve betrayed your spouse, I’m sure you’re wondering if your spouse will ever be the same again. I have to tell you, they will not. They have had their lives rocked to the core and to think they will simply return to who they were before the affair(s) I think is ill-informed at best. It will take the process working to help them find the new man or woman they can and will become. Their lives will never be the same again, but it doesn’t mean they will never be a wonderful person of love, joy and safety. Provided the right recovery methods are put in place and provided you take the time and energy to get healthy yourself, you give both yourself and your spouse a great opportunity for the event to be used for good and not harm.
I’m no longer the same person I was 9 years ago. It’s been a process for sure and there have been layers and stages to that process. I thank God more often than you would believe that I’m no longer the person I was 10 years ago. In all honesty, Samantha is also not the person she was. She’s found not only healing but also transformation which has flowed out of the mess that I created in my own selfishness and dysfunction. Don’t get me wrong, we both can relapse and we both can fall backwards in our recovery. From old habit patterns, to old ways of dealing with each other, to giving each other left overs and our best to our jobs, our kids or even our other friends. We can go backwards quite quickly and easily if were not true to the changes we have implemented in our lives.
Samantha is no longer the same person she was before the affair, and it’s a credit to two things: 1. our recovery methods we were able to find and utilize 2. her Godly Christian character to forgive and pursue healing and restoration. Rick often times says you can’t be loved unconditionally if you’re only conditionally known. I was able to come clean and share who I was, and found love and acceptance by Samantha, even at my darkest time as a man and as a husband.
You can’t go back to what you had. It’s gone forever. It’s been blown to bits by either your choices or your spouse’s, and while you can’t go back, you can find healing and restoration to experience a new marriage, which just may be better than you ever imagined it could be.
Over the next few blogs I’m going to be tackling what I call some “nagging questions” that many ask me (and Rick) consistently. They will all be featured in my book so this will be a great way to polish them and obtain necessary feedback from you all as well. I always enjoy constructive feedback on the blog, especially from those in the trenches.
Will my spouse ever be the same again? The short answer is no. If you’re the unfaithful spouse, I would hope you do not want to remain the same, but pursue recovery to find the person God has created you and your spouse to now become in light of all that has changed. This whole nightmare may be the very impetus that begins the process of transformation in your life that both you and your spouse have been looking for.
For the betrayed, while you probably never asked for or deserved this, it can be a…
Continue reading →
“I Want to Want to”
In a conversation the other day, an unfaithful spouse said to me “I really do want to want to save my marriage…..but I’m so deep in, I feel lost.”
He expected me to be angry or upset with him, but I simply affirmed him and said I’m thrilled you want to want to. After all, at least you’re being honest with someone after 4 years of back and forth, in and out of your marriage, two different affair partners and a litany of excuses and lies.
Coming clean and getting healthy is always messy.
“I want to want to” sounds like a cop out. It is, to some extent, but we, the unfaithful do not know that yet. It’s like we’re saying, I want to do what’s right, and I should know what’s right, but poor me, I don’t have the “want to”. Realistically, we all have to navigate through life decisions that we don’t have the desire to do, but we do them anyway. I don’t want to pay my mortgage, but I do anyway.
Yet, a mortgage is one thing, marriage and emotions and the human heart is an entirely different matter, far more difficult and far more deceptive.
Wanting to want to save your marriage or return to home is a paradox. Usually, we (the unfaithful) really want to want our spouse, but we’re conflicted and in turmoil. “Why are you conflicted? It’s the right thing to do!” I can hear the betrayed shout. And you’re right; but we’re not healthy enough to know that. We also don’t know if we want you instead of our affair partner, and it takes time and hand holding to sober up. We can’t see clearly. We’ve lost our “want” to be with you, and here are a few reasons why (not exhaustive, but much of what I have felt coupled with what I’ve heard over the past 9 years):
Often times we don’t want what we had with you. We felt rejected and the affair partner made us feel wanted and accepted and like a hero. Sure, it probably wasn’t real, but right now, we don’t know that. We are deceived and need someone besides you to help us see the light.
We have justified the affair for so long that we truly think we’re justified in having an affair. We have needs and we feel you didn’t care about them and we found someone who we feel did, and we aren’t sure we will ever find that again in you. We’ve lied to ourselves for so long that we can’t just stop lying. We know somehow, instinctively, that we should want to be with you, but untangling the web of lies is hard.
We have actively pursued another and given our best to our affair partner and to simply switch gears and start giving to you again, our best attention, our best effort and our best intimacy is hard. We don’t realize that love is a choice and we’re still wanting the emotion to come first. We don’t realize we have to make a decision to give you our best then the emotion will follow. We wonder why the emotion isn’t there. We don’t understand why we don’t just ‘feel love for you again’ and can’t fix ourselves.
We usually try and fix this ourselves. We’re control freaks. We want to control recovery and we want to control our situation. However, this is one of the first times we’ll have to acknowledge we can’t control you or our own heart. We’re desperately afraid because we can’t control things. To be out of control is to admit weakness and we hate doing that.
While this list isn’t exhaustive, it is filled with many things I struggled to comprehend. I’d love to hear yours or what your spouse has communicated to you as well.
In a conversation the other day, an unfaithful spouse said to me “I really do want to want to save my marriage…..but I’m so deep in, I feel lost.”
He expected me to be angry or upset with him, but I simply affirmed him and said I’m thrilled you want to want to. After all, at least you’re being honest with someone after 4 years of back and forth, in and out of your marriage, two different affair partners and a litany of excuses and lies.
Coming clean and getting healthy is always messy.
“I want to want to” sounds like a cop out. It is, to some extent, but we, the unfaithful do not know that yet. It’s like we’re saying, I want to do what’s right, and I should know what’s right, but poor me, I don’t have the “want to”. Realistically, we all have to navigate through life decisions that we don’t have the desire to do, but we do them anyway. …
Continue reading →
Wanting to be Wanted: Ambivalence Part 2
Often times the betrayed spouse is infuriated by the ambivalence of the unfaithful spouse. The very fact that they do not know who they want to be with, their affair partner or their spouse, is enough to incite feelings of rejection which eventually spill over into rage, hopelessness and eventually deep despair. My question for the betrayed is, “Why wouldn’t your spouse feel ambivalent?”
It requires a bit of an exploration into the mind of the unfaithful to understand the ambivalence. Remember, the unfaithful has been living in a bit of a fantasy world. Affairs create the possibility for an unfaithful spouse to construct a new reality: sex as often as you want, no responsibility to care for the mood and desires of the other, no rejection or hard work to connect, non-stop affection and applause, no bills, no kids to care for, and no baggage full of unresolved anger, issues, resentment or frustration. More and more, the unfaithful describe “finding their soul mate” in their affair partner, when 5, 10, or 20 some odd years earlier they married their very soul mate then.
It’s just not real. They’ve deceived themselves into thinking that this affair is the answer to all of life’s issues. All this to say, there are reasons they are ambivalent. They’ve genuinely deceived themselves. They don’t know which way is up or down and do not realize at all there are other people living in this soap opera they have created. Their hearts have grown hard, and a hard heart always caters towards personal and moral blindness. It’s no wonder they are so ambivalent.
It’s along this path that the betrayed spouse has a choice to make. They want to be wanted like any human being. They automatically revert many times to “If he/she doesn’t want me, then I have no interest in saving the marriage.” They ‘want to be wanted’ and rightly so. However, my submission to the betrayed is, the unfaithful don’t know what they want and they are far too unhealthy to make any decisions right now. You could be making a decision far too early in the process, too. It’s not about a competition with the affair partner, although some unhealthy unfaithful spouses will ultimately make it just that: who wants me more and is willing to woo me back to them. In many cases, the ambivalence is an attempt to control both the spouse and the affair partner, and it’s usually the spouse who realizes the game and puts an end to it. The betrayed spouse wants to be wanted, but to decide prematurely to close the door to any possibility of restoration out of rejection or anger, I think is a mistake. It’s a process to recovery and it’s a process to the unfaithful coming up for air and finding clarity. We all want to be wanted and it’s probably that very desire which has allowed vulnerability in the mind and heart of the unfaithful spouse and made room for the affair. It’s not right, it just is.
I would encourage the betrayed spouse to give room to the idea that we cannot die on the cross of “if you don’t want me like I deserve to be wanted, we’re done.” It’s not that simple. Waiting for them to want you may seem like an eternity, but it doesn’t have to be. The full court press I suggest is using any and all leverage to get expert quality help. If they are not willing to get help, quite honestly they will usually not sober up on their own and return home filled with new found desire for their spouse, nor will you be able to simply suck up the feelings and anger you’ve been processing. It will take support to help the unfaithful to sober up and find clarity. The pull of the illicit affair and fantasy world will be too much to overcome more times than not. Push instead for expert help, and if they are not willing to get the kind of help they need, perhaps that may be more of a defining moment for your own ambivalence than anything. For more help on how to approach the ambivalent about taking action this article may be of some support: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling
Often times the betrayed spouse is infuriated by the ambivalence of the unfaithful spouse. The very fact that they do not know who they want to be with, their affair partner or their spouse, is enough to incite feelings of rejection which eventually spill over into rage, hopelessness and eventually deep despair. My question for the betrayed is, “Why wouldn’t your spouse feel ambivalent?”
It requires a bit of an exploration into the mind of the unfaithful to understand the ambivalence. Remember, the unfaithful has been living in a bit of a fantasy world. Affairs create the possibility for an unfaithful spouse to construct a new reality: sex as often as you want, no responsibility to care for the mood and desires of the other, no rejection or hard work to connect, non-stop affection and applause, no bills, no kids to care for, and no baggage full of unresolved anger, issues, resentment…
Continue reading →
When You or Your Spouse is Ambivalent
It seems like not a day goes by I don’t talk to a spouse who is dealing with a spouse who is ambivalent or undecided about where they want to be. I wish it was limited to just the unfaithful, but it happens to both spouses alike, unfaithful and betrayed. You just aren’t sure what you want to do or where you want to be.
The unfaithful become ambivalent about where they want to be. Should they pursue the illicit life of the affair with what seems to make them happy and fulfilled or should they return home to see if there is a future and a hope with their spouse?
The betrayed wonder if they can ever trust their spouse again and is it really worth it in the end? Should they be willing to expose their heart and vulnerabilities all over again, only to be raked over the coals one more time?
Both concerns are not only understandable but present a vast amount of fear, confusion and daily uncertainty. Push a spouse to do one thing and they will usually do another. Press them to make a decision and they will turtle up, hide, and utilize their ability to be ambivalent as a power mechanism to refuse to let you push them into making a decision. To watch the game the ambivalent play sometimes is gut wrenching. I don’t believe it’s always a game, but more times than not it’s an attempt at control over the situation, their spouse, and the expectations placed upon them.
If an unfaithful is ambivalent, I highly recommend not chasing them. Chasing after them to stay often times means you’ll need to continually chase them to remain with you. Whether it be physical intimacy, subservient behavior, or controlling tendencies, chasing them only fuels the fire of control they want and are probably exhibiting in the relationship anyway. If they do not want to be with you, or only want to be with you on their terms, it’s a sign of extreme dysfunction and desire for ultimate control. Alternatively, not being kind or accommodating to them will not do the job of creating a safe place for them to return to. In order to work on the marriage honestly and create the opportunity for vulnerability, a tough as nails approach will ultimately chase them away which is probably what no one wants in the first place.
I’m not sure what betrayed spouse wouldn’t be ambivalent when it comes to this sort of strategy. What I find helpful for many betrayed spouses who struggle with what they ultimately want to do, is take the pressure off to make a decision too early. There are usually too many uncertainties to make a decision anyway. Is the affair over? Are they still in contact with the affair partner? Is the unfaithful willing to do what it takes to heal and become trustworthy again? All of these are examples of just a few plaguing questions the betrayed face each and every day. More times than not, a decision may be to cautiously forge ahead, watching to see how the unfaithful carries themselves and their recovery. It’s not as simple as a “If you do this, I’ll stay” declaration as no one is perfect and very few recoveries are void of uncertainty and stupidity early on in communication. Often times it means giving the process 90 to 120 days to see how committed the unfaithful spouse is.
The quality of your restoration and potential restoration is directly related to the quality of care you receive. It’s not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. If you can’t trust the mechanism you are utilizing to find restoration and recovery, it’s time for something or someone new to help eliminate the ambivalence over time.
As always, if I can aid you in your recovery at all, please feel free to reach out. Also, if you’d like, please feel free to share what helped you in your own ambivalence. I’d love to hear your experience.
It seems like not a day goes by I don’t talk to a spouse who is dealing with a spouse who is ambivalent or undecided about where they want to be. I wish it was limited to just the unfaithful, but it happens to both spouses alike, unfaithful and betrayed. You just aren’t sure what you want to do or where you want to be.
The unfaithful become ambivalent about where they want to be. Should they pursue the illicit life of the affair with what seems to make them happy and fulfilled or should they return home to see if there is a future and a hope with their spouse?
The betrayed wonder if they can ever trust their spouse again and is it really worth it in the end? Should they be willing to expose their heart and vulnerabilities all over again, only to be raked over the coals one more time?
Both concerns are not only understandable but present a vast amount of fear, confusion and…
Continue reading →
Why I Retreated In Shame
It was commonplace that Samantha would ask me a ton of questions about the affair. Did I love her? Was I really trapped? What did we do, how often, when, where, what did you feel? I hated all of it and I’m quite sure she hated it more.
It was very common that during these types of conversations I’d pull back. She called it retreating. I hated to talk about it and hated to recant the details and feelings of my affair(s). I felt horrible. I hated myself, hated what I had done and didn’t want to keep reliving it. Early on, I would hesitantly give details and offered them up somewhat freely as I had to. As we got further along, a few months in, I’d get edgy and irritable when pressed with questions and concerns. Further down the road, after we found Rick, I would gladly offer up details and feelings about the affair and the affair partner, as I knew she needed the information and perspective to heal.
What many betrayed don’t get it is that we the unfaithful, struggle with an immense amount of shame. We just don’t want to talk about things that we’re ashamed of. We’d almost rather you hit us and took your anger out on us and in turn, we never had to talk about the details ever again. You see, the details make us have to relive what we did and felt, afterwards. It makes us confront the coldness and rebellion of our hearts which allowed us to do what we did. We’re ashamed of the details. We’re ashamed to have to talk about that which we’re ashamed of doing. Talking about it again makes us relive it, and usually we’re not courageous enough to do that. We can’t just ‘put it behind us.’ We can’t just ‘move on’. We then have to relive it and remember the feelings we had immediately after the acts of the affair or addiction which we regret. We hate ourselves all over again.
It’s a fact of life we hate to talk through what makes us feel regret or shame. What we don’t get early on, unless we receive the right help, is that unless we’re able to talk through the details, you the betrayed can’t heal. We don’t know that though. We think we can heal faster if we don’t have to talk about it. It’s not true for you and it’s not true for us. What we need is healing. We need healing and we need forgiveness vertically first, then we can experience horizontal forgiveness after we’ve shared details, come clean and asked for you to forgive us.
We will also share details when we feel safe enough to share them. It’s counterintuitive and if you’re a betrayed, you’re probably already gritting your teeth and clinching your jaw at the fact that YOU would have to create a ‘safe place’ for us to share details. However, offensive as it may appear, the reality is, if we feel like you’re going to rage and blast us verbally or physically once we share the details, we’ll probably lie or not share them. If we feel like once you hear the details you’re going to run from us, we’ll probably hesitate to share any real details. I know, poor us. I agree. If we can’t handle the pain and hurt and consequences, we shouldn’t have committed the offenses. I agree again.
However, we were not thinking clearly when we committed the affair (most times anyway) so now this is a huge deal we didn’t see coming. We hate the consequences to our actions. We didn’t plan for this.
If you want us to share the details, we’ll probably need something from you that goes like this: “I need the details to heal. If you can’t share them with me, we probably can’t heal and you’re throwing away the chance at restoration with your family. I commit to not making any decisions after I hear the details of the affair(s) for 48 hours so I can process them. I’ll even get expert help to be with us ‘during disclosure’ if you like to help you feel safe. Remember, I can’t heal from what I don’t know I need to be healed from. I also can’t forgive what I don’t know I need to forgive.”
It was commonplace that Samantha would ask me a ton of questions about the affair. Did I love her? Was I really trapped? What did we do, how often, when, where, what did you feel? I hated all of it and I’m quite sure she hated it more.
It was very common that during these types of conversations I’d pull back. She called it retreating. I hated to talk about it and hated to recant the details and feelings of my affair(s). I felt horrible. I hated myself, hated what I had done and didn’t want to keep reliving it. Early on, I would hesitantly give details and offered them up somewhat freely as I had to. As we got further along, a few months in, I’d get edgy and irritable when pressed with questions and concerns. Further down the road, after we found Rick, I would gladly offer up details and feelings about the affair and the affair partner, as I knew she needed the information and…
Continue reading →
The Seduction of the Betrayed
If you’re a regular on my blog, you’ll note that I make no excuses for my infidelity or anyone else’s. Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity, bad choices do. Betrayed spouses often believe if they would have just had more sex with their spouse, or paid attention to their needs, they wouldn’t have cheated. That reasoning is flawed entirely. Sure, sure there may have been vulnerabilities within the marriage, yet the fact remains, we cheat out of selfishness and dysfunction.
It’s at this point however that we must note the battle the betrayed must fight. It’s a battle against seduction. Typically, I see the betrayed seduced by bitterness, anger and resentment. Don’t the betrayed have a right to be angry? Absolutely. However, what I’m speaking to is the seduction to be consumed by anger, resentment and perpetual disrespect to the detriment of your recovery and your ability to experience peace and freedom in the future. We focus a lot on the struggle of the unfaithful to no longer be seduced by their addiction, their affair partner, or even their selfishness and it’s definitely valid. Yet, not to be overlooked, the betrayed has a battle to fight as well. The betrayed has to fight against holding on to anger and holding on to resentment and an unleveled playing field with their cheating spouse for the rest of their lives. Do they have a right to process their feelings? Without a doubt. Do they have a right to hammer away asking question upon question till they get the truth? Yes. I truly believe so. Do they have a right to remain bitter and resentful? I don’t believe so, and I see it as a deathnail to marriages every week. I make this point solely because I hope you understand that remaining angry and bitter - while valid - only destroys you. You are punishing yourself more than your mate, and you don’t deserve that.
The intensity of emotions during recovery is where the seduction comes in. It seems invigorating. It seems as though you have a right to this bitterness and your pain entitles you to do whatever you need to do to survive. It seems terrifying to let of this anger. You don’t want your spouse to get off easy, yet it only clouds your judgment and reasoning faculties. It’s seductive because it seems like it’s the right thing to do, yet in the end will only exacerbate things and make life harder for both parties seeking reconciliation or even seeking new life.
How long you say, will the seduction last? Probably about a year or even two years; Rick says 18-24 months. It really depends on the personality and life experiences of the betrayed, but typically one has to fight this battle as a betrayed for between a year and two years. It also depends on the severity of offense or multiple offenses. Hence the reason it’s vital to get the right help one needs to process through the anger and bitterness, while refusing to allow the seduction to win. I heard long ago, “there is some truth in every lie,” and that’s what makes the deception so difficult to fight off. Our sense of entitlement when we’ve been wronged can seem like a friend, yet turn on us at just the right moment.
It’s hard as hell I know. From watching Samantha fight her own battle against it, to helping numbers of other betrayed spouses fight through this war, it’s not for the faint of heart. It is in fact, possible though. You’ll need help to do it and you’ll need community who can stand with you. I’d give Harboring Hope a try before I’d do any other support group as you need a specific group of people (and game plan) who are also going through betrayal to stand with and come out on the other side.
If you’re a regular on my blog, you’ll note that I make no excuses for my infidelity or anyone else’s. Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity, bad choices do. Betrayed spouses often believe if they would have just had more sex with their spouse, or paid attention to their needs, they wouldn’t have cheated. That reasoning is flawed entirely. Sure, sure there may have been vulnerabilities within the marriage, yet the fact remains, we cheat out of selfishness and dysfunction.
It’s at this point however that we must note the battle the betrayed must fight. It’s a battle against seduction. Typically, I see the betrayed seduced by bitterness, anger and resentment. Don’t the betrayed have a right to be angry? Absolutely. However, what I’m speaking to is the seduction to be consumed by anger, resentment and perpetual disrespect to the detriment of your recovery and your ability to…
Continue reading →
The Mind of the Unfaithful: We Think We’re Heroic When….
Our affairs are selfish in nature. I hope it gives more credence to that fact since I’m a former unfaithful.
I’m certainly not proud of that, but I am elated when I can talk to other unfaithfuls and help walk them through their own situation and struggle. I’m sure we all love it when we have community we can relate to and that understand our own struggles, because they are dealing with it themselves.
The unfortunate reality is, we the unfaithful, think we’re heroic when we say “let’s move on and let’s heal.” We think we’re giving some sort of encouraging word that our betrayed should grab hold of and shout “Oh thank God….I’m so glad that my knight in shining armor is NOW ready to heal. My life can get back to normal again.” We think it takes great courage to rise up and say “Let’s move on. This is over. We can heal.” We think we’re going to be the answer to the issues and the trauma you’re feeling and it only reveals how disconnected we really are from reality and the impact of our choices and infidelity. We have no idea the trauma we’ve caused you and we think that by wanting to save the marriage now, and wanting to ‘move on’ we are back to hero-status. We’re not the hero, we’re the villain.
I remember being on my knees with Samantha, holding her saying “let’s just move on….we don’t need to live here anymore and we can get back to US...not anyone else.” And I wanted healing, and I wanted to get healthy, but I wanted to stop talking about the affair and stop talking about the damage and the pain. I thought it was a defining moment when I said “we need to stop living in the past and move on.” It had only been a week! I was so deceived.
Here’s some of the reasons why so many unfaithfuls (self-included) think we’re a hero:
1. The world seems to revolve around us. We needed to cheat to get our needs met. If you’d have done what you should have done, we wouldn’t have needed to cheat. So, since the world revolves around us, and our needs, we know what can fix and save this marriage. We can fix you, and us - the unfaithful, and you just need to listen to us. We can make it all right since we’re the ones who cheated. We know all the answers why, so just follow my lead.
a. The truth is, the last person that needs to be in charge of what recovery looks like is the unfaithful. We cannot fix ourselves, let alone you. We are so disengaged from what we’ve done to you that we haven’t a clue what the answer is.
2. The time is now. We’re ready, so you should be to. I mean, what is the hold up since we’re finally ready to move on, you should be to. We’ve finally come clean with all the details and you know it all now, so you should be ready to heal. Our lives, our finances, our work schedules, our lives as parents require you to get in line with this timeline of life and hurry up and heal. We don’t have time to keep talking about this. I’ve got us. Just hold on to me and I’ll lead you to the right direction.
a. The truth is we cannot even connect with the impact of what we’ve done to you. We aren’t even speaking your language, let alone hearing what you’re saying objectively. We think we know what you need, but we don’t really know what we need and we can’t see that we certainly didn’t need to have an affair. We have our own timeline that works only for us, but truthfully, that timeline has been decided upon by us and we’re actually the problem.
Most of the time, we the unfaithful, are trying to mean well. Yet, we’re so unhealthy we just don’t understand what the remedy for all this is. We’re trapped in confusion and in over our head. As soon as we realize we’re not the hero, healing has a chance to begin.
Our affairs are selfish in nature. I hope it gives more credence to that fact since I’m a former unfaithful.
I’m certainly not proud of that, but I am elated when I can talk to other unfaithfuls and help walk them through their own situation and struggle. I’m sure we all love it when we have community we can relate to and that understand our own struggles, because they are dealing with it themselves.
The unfortunate reality is, we the unfaithful, think we’re heroic when we say “let’s move on and let’s heal.” We think we’re giving some sort of encouraging word that our betrayed should grab hold of and shout “Oh thank God….I’m so glad that my knight in shining armor is NOW ready to heal. My life can get back to normal again.” We think it takes great courage to rise up and say “Let’s move on. This is over. We can heal.” We think we’re going to be the answer to the issues and the…
Continue reading →
Hiding in Shame
As I’ve written before, recovery is a journey. It’s been nine years and I’m still learning. Rick said just last month at one of our EMS Weekends, “It’s been almost 30 years and I’m still learning.” Recovery, I believe, is a progression as we return to understanding and a sense of ‘wholeness’ after our demise. If we’re open and malleable, I believe we’ll find healing for all of our wounds we’ve encountered in life, including infidelity and even childhood.
It’s a terrible childhood memory which is my backdrop today. It certainly ties in to my approach post-infidelity but some background will serve a purpose first.
My father and mother divorced when I was about a year old after he returned from fighting in Vietnam. My father would remarry a couple times till his death when I was 25, and my mother would also remarry. The first man she married was an older man, a former professional boxer and a wonderful man, in his own right. He had served time in prison and was a survivor from the streets. He had a big heart, but didn’t always know how to express it. When I was about 8, after growing up with him around more than my biological father, he left us. I think he just couldn’t adjust to life with a son that wasn’t his and a marriage with pressures, responsibilities and expectations. Truth be told my mom wasn’t the easiest to live with either, and had been damaged herself from previous family relationships. I remember their relationship being rather toxic from an even early age.
My memory is a bit cloudy, but he came back one day when I was about 10. My mom had warned me that he would be coming back and would be coming over when I got home from school. After he left my mom started working full time and it was commonplace for me to ride my bike home from school and be there alone till she arrived about three or so hours later. I didn’t hate him. More than anything I was confused and terrified of what to do. He had left and if I’m being honest, I think I felt like I caused at least some of it. I loved him and while he wasn’t my biological father, I think for his history and how he grew up, he really did his best.
Nevertheless, I was confused and for one of the first palpable times in my life, I remember feeling ashamed. I saw his car pull up and watched him get out. I immediately turned off the T.V. and any lights and made it seem as though I wasn’t home. I ran to my closet in our tiny house, and closed the closet doors and simply hid. It only took him a few minutes to walk through our house and try to find me. Eventually I think he was puzzled a bit and just left. I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell. I barely remember feeling anything. To this day, I can see the closet and I can feel the aloneness and complete surreal nature of the few moments I hadn’t remembered till just a couple days ago. I hid from someone who loved me and wanted to reconnect with me. I hid from a moment of possible restoration out of confusion, shame and misunderstanding. I wanted to run to him and hug him and welcome him back, but I felt paralyzed. I was in over my head emotionally and had no idea how that moment would mark me.
Looking back, when I made my horrible choices that led to infidelity, I wanted to hide in a closet of shame from everyone. Not just God, but Samantha, my friends, any and all father figures and even myself. I felt alone and wanted to hide into my own cave.
I’d like to encourage you today, both betrayed and unfaithful, to not hide today. There is nothing helpful in that closet today. There is no real comfort in that closet, but only shame and isolation which will lead you further into darkness, hopelessness and despair. There is healing for you today. You don’t need to hide from God today.
As I’ve written before, recovery is a journey. It’s been nine years and I’m still learning. Rick said just last month at one of our EMS Weekends, “It’s been almost 30 years and I’m still learning.” Recovery, I believe, is a progression as we return to understanding and a sense of ‘wholeness’ after our demise. If we’re open and malleable, I believe we’ll find healing for all of our wounds we’ve encountered in life, including infidelity and even childhood.
It’s a terrible childhood memory which is my backdrop today. It certainly ties in to my approach post-infidelity but some background will serve a purpose first.
My father and mother divorced when I was about a year old after he returned from fighting in Vietnam. My father would remarry a couple times till his death when I was 25, and my mother would also remarry. The first man she married was an older man, a former professional…
Continue reading →
Infidelity Wants to Chew You Up and Spit You Out
Yesterday I was listening to a Ted Talk by Debra Jarvis, a female chaplain to those who are both terminally ill with cancer and those who are going through chemotherapy. It was as uplifting as it could be considering the topic. A cancer survivor herself, she had several wonderful things to say. She made a statement after losing one of her breasts and going through her own excruciating story which I found to be so true for all types of recovery. She charged her listeners to ”claim your experience and not let it claim you.”
Yes, I can hear you already….how the hell do you claim your experience when you’ve just had your heart, life, and reality for the last several years ripped out right from under you? How do you claim your experience when all you’ve ever known to be stable or true has been blown away?
Before you hit ‘post’ on that comment or ‘send’ on that email, here’s what I’m proposing. It may hurt but it’s true, and I know it from personal experience.
We don’t have to let our experiences, even something like infidelity, claim us. Yes, it changes our lives forever. It changed mine and I’m still living in a new life, due to my choices. I love my new life. I truly do. Last night at a church service, I wept as I thought about how the disclosure of the affair actually rescued me from where I was heading. Samantha wept too and talked about how thankful she is for our family and for me. Yes, thankful for ME. Can you imagine that? Even after all I caused years ago.
You can claim how this experience will affect you. It doesn’t have to be the end of your life or the end of your joy. It may be an enormous change to your life and it may be a complete transformation to what life looks like, but you are not a slave to it. You do not have to let it claim your life, or chew you up and spit you out. You can survive it on the way to choosing how you will now define yourself
For example, just yesterday I was talking to a woman who has been through discovery of a 10 year affair of her husband including numerous affair partners all over their state and even in other countries. She’s devastated. With two kids under 16 and more than enough financially challenging situations to go around, she’s showing more courage than I probably would have if I was her. Does she feel like she’s dealing with PTSD? Absolutely. Does she struggle to not claw his eyes out every single hour of every single day? For sure. But, is she pursuing help and healing and not letting her anger claim her? Without a doubt. She’s not making any decisions yet. She bawled her eyes out as she said, “This doesn’t have to be the end of me. The end of the old me maybe, but maybe it’s the start of a new me and a new life God has for me….maybe my husband will find that new life too.”
As Emmerson Eggerich so aptly put it in Love and Respect, “Our response is our responsibility.”
Yesterday I was listening to a Ted Talk by Debra Jarvis, a female chaplain to those who are both terminally ill with cancer and those who are going through chemotherapy. It was as uplifting as it could be considering the topic. A cancer survivor herself, she had several wonderful things to say. She made a statement after losing one of her breasts and going through her own excruciating story which I found to be so true for all types of recovery. She charged her listeners to ”claim your experience and not let it claim you.”
Yes, I can hear you already….how the hell do you claim your experience when you’ve just had your heart, life, and reality for the last several years ripped out right from under you? How do you claim your experience when all you’ve ever known to be stable or true has been blown away?
Before you hit ‘post’ on that comment or ‘send’ on that email, here’s what I’m…
Continue reading →
I Put Myself Here
Life caters towards pity parties. There seems to always be something going wrong and there is always someone to blame. Part of me says if we’d blame ourselves a bit more, we may take more responsibility for our own actions and the world would be a better place.
However, I have met and pastored and talked to hundreds who blame themselves too much and in an arbitrary way. Blaming ourselves for too much can be equally destructive. I’ve blamed myself for a ton in life to the point where I’ve had to realize life is not always about me. There is a sort of false humility which is not enjoyed by anyone, least of all our spouses. Shame is also a dark and deceptive culprit which likes to make things all about us.
Early on in recovery, a man I met encouraged me to say to myself every day, as many times as I needed to, “I put myself here.”
When I was driving to a new job, in a new city, with zero friends: I put myself here.
When I was checking my phone time and time again out of habit, yet my affair partner was gone, nowhere to be found, and no other friends to be found: I put myself here.
At the depth of loneliness and suicidal thoughts: I put myself here.
Sure there were some ridiculous things done to me. I was publically shamed and humiliated. I was threatened. Samantha was also treated horribly. We were forsaken, given up on, and left for dead.
But, at the end of the day, I put myself there and had little to blame but my own choices.
Each time I said that, it centered me and caused me to get healthier and healthier, bit by bit, step by step. Some days I gained huge steps. Some days, I barely moved at all. And yes, some days I went backwards. It also diffused any pity parties I wanted to have because life was so hard and seemingly hopeless.
Shortly after learning this new mantra, I added a fragment to it: “I put myself here, but Lord, you’re here with me, and I can go on.”
If you’re an unfaithful today, I’m quite sure life is difficult, but the Lord is with you today. Trust me, you’ll need him to carry you through each and every day if you’re going to make it and find new life.
If you’re a betrayed today, you most certainly did NOT put yourself here. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t deserve this.
However, you too are not alone and you too can go on. Hope is found vertically, not horizontally. As long as you look to your circumstances for hope you’ll be frustrated. You’ll only find hope today looking up, vertically, to your father who never forsakes you and never gives up on you and never leaves you as alone as you could be. Today just might be a day to look up and not within. As long as you look within, you’ll be frustrated, hopeless and empty. Coming to the end of yourself just might be a good thing for some of us. You can’t ever come to an end in your Heavenly Father.
I hope you’ll go on today.
Life caters towards pity parties. There seems to always be something going wrong and there is always someone to blame. Part of me says if we’d blame ourselves a bit more, we may take more responsibility for our own actions and the world would be a better place.
However, I have met and pastored and talked to hundreds who blame themselves too much and in an arbitrary way. Blaming ourselves for too much can be equally destructive. I’ve blamed myself for a ton in life to the point where I’ve had to realize life is not always about me. There is a sort of false humility which is not enjoyed by anyone, least of all our spouses. Shame is also a dark and deceptive culprit which likes to make things all about us.
Early on in recovery, a man I met encouraged me to say to myself every day, as many times as I needed to, “I put myself here.”
When I was driving to a new job, in a new city,…
Continue reading →
Do the Unfaithful Ever Return to Normal?
Many wonder if the unfaithful spouse ever returns to normal after their affair. Do they ever regain a sense of their own former personhood or do they ever get back to their former selves?
If they obtain the necessary help to heal, the answer is fortunately no. They don’t just go back to being the same person that will inevitably repeat the same mistakes; they become an even better version of themselves.
How is that possible? Well, when the right help is found, an unfaithful spouse finds two principle factors in their recovery: remorse and clarity.
1. Remorse: You’ll know when an unfaithful spouse is getting healthy as they’ve found a true sense of remorse for their actions. The justification ends, the blame shifting ends, the defensiveness fades and they truly hate what they’ve done and hate how it’s affected their betrayed spouse. It will be real and some of the deepest, most genuine remorse you’ve probably ever seen in them.
2. Clarity: When clarity enters the picture, they begin to see that their whole life, and yours, has been affected by their choices. Clarity begins to change the way they interact with all of life. If they are truly getting healthy, there will be a change to the way they see themselves, their betrayed spouse, their life in general and even their kids.
You may be saying “Samuel, that’s a bit far-fetched….” And you’re probably right if you are expecting any of these changes right away. This type of deep, genuine change comes over a season of time. The clarity I have now is eons away from my initial clarity. Early on I blamed Samantha for all of it. My affair, my feelings of rejection, you name it. It was HER fault. As Rick and I talked for hours and we attended an EMS Weekend, I began to realize that I was not seeing things clearly at all, and clarity translated into remorse and contrition.
It’s this clarity and remorse I’ve taken with me in life. It’s changed the way I see life and interact with people on a daily basis. It’s transformed the way I see Samantha and her journey.
In short, the unfaithful can not only return to normal, but may also find a new transformational identity. Perhaps this whole saga you are in is about both of you finding a new identity that you’d have never found without this trauma. I’m willing to bet good money on the fact that without this sort of crisis, there’s a part of you (regardless of unfaithful or betrayed) that you’d have never experienced without this painful and even excruciating journey. It becomes your servant when you allow it to produce in you what would have never been found without the servant of the trial.
Many wonder if the unfaithful spouse ever returns to normal after their affair. Do they ever regain a sense of their own former personhood or do they ever get back to their former selves?
If they obtain the necessary help to heal, the answer is fortunately no. They don’t just go back to being the same person that will inevitably repeat the same mistakes; they become an even better version of themselves.
How is that possible? Well, when the right help is found, an unfaithful spouse finds two principle factors in their recovery: remorse and clarity.
1. Remorse: You’ll know when an unfaithful spouse is getting healthy as they’ve found a true sense of remorse for their actions. The justification ends, the blame shifting ends, the defensiveness fades and they truly hate what they’ve done and hate how it’s affected their betrayed spouse. It will be real and some of the deepest,…
Continue reading →
