Many wonder if the unfaithful spouse ever returns to normal after their affair. Do they ever regain a sense of their own former personhood or do they ever get back to their former selves?

If they obtain the necessary help to heal, the answer is fortunately no. They don’t just go back to being the same person that will inevitably repeat the same mistakes; they become an even better version of themselves.

How is that possible? Well, when the right help is found, an unfaithful spouse finds two principle factors in their recovery: remorse and clarity.

1.  Remorse: You’ll know when an unfaithful spouse is getting healthy as they’ve found a true sense of remorse for their actions. The justification ends, the blame shifting ends, the defensiveness fades and they truly hate what they’ve done and hate how it’s affected their betrayed spouse. It will be real and some of the deepest, most genuine remorse you’ve probably ever seen in them.

2.  Clarity: When clarity enters the picture, they begin to see that their whole life, and yours, has been affected by their choices. Clarity begins to change the way they interact with all of life. If they are truly getting healthy, there will be a change to the way they see themselves, their betrayed spouse, their life in general and even their kids.

You may be saying “Samuel, that’s a bit far-fetched….” And you’re probably right if you are expecting any of these changes right away. This type of deep, genuine change comes over a season of time. The clarity I have now is eons away from my initial clarity. Early on I blamed Samantha for all of it. My affair, my feelings of rejection, you name it. It was HER fault. As Rick and I talked for hours and we attended an EMS Weekend, I began to realize that I was not seeing things clearly at all, and clarity translated into remorse and contrition.

It’s this clarity and remorse I’ve taken with me in life. It’s changed the way I see life and interact with people on a daily basis. It’s transformed the way I see Samantha and her journey.

In short, the unfaithful can not only return to normal, but may also find a new transformational identity. Perhaps this whole saga you are in is about both of you finding a new identity that you’d have never found without this trauma. I’m willing to bet good money on the fact that without this sort of crisis, there’s a part of you (regardless of unfaithful or betrayed) that you’d have never experienced without this painful and even excruciating journey. It becomes your servant when you allow it to produce in you what would have never been found without the servant of the trial.