I Put Myself Here

Life caters towards pity parties. There seems to always be something going wrong and there is always someone to blame. Part of me says if we’d blame ourselves a bit more, we may take more responsibility for our own actions and the world would be a better place.

However, I have met and pastored and talked to hundreds who blame themselves too much and in an arbitrary way. Blaming ourselves for too much can be equally destructive. I’ve blamed myself for a ton in life to the point where I’ve had to realize life is not always about me. There is a sort of false humility which is not enjoyed by anyone, least of all our spouses. Shame is also a dark and deceptive culprit which likes to make things all about us.

Early on in recovery, a man I met encouraged me to say to myself every day, as many times as I needed to, “I put myself here.”

When I was driving to a new job, in a new city, with zero friends: I put myself here.

When I was checking my phone time and time again out of habit, yet my affair partner was gone, nowhere to be found, and no other friends to be found: I put myself here.

At the depth of loneliness and suicidal thoughts: I put myself here.

Sure there were some ridiculous things done to me. I was publically shamed and humiliated. I was threatened. Samantha was also treated horribly. We were forsaken, given up on, and left for dead.

But, at the end of the day, I put myself there and had little to blame but my own choices.

Each time I said that, it centered me and caused me to get healthier and healthier, bit by bit, step by step. Some days I gained huge steps. Some days, I barely moved at all. And yes, some days I went backwards. It also diffused any pity parties I wanted to have because life was so hard and seemingly hopeless.

Shortly after learning this new mantra, I added a fragment to it: “I put myself here, but Lord, you’re here with me, and I can go on.”

If you’re an unfaithful today, I’m quite sure life is difficult, but the Lord is with you today. Trust me, you’ll need him to carry you through each and every day if you’re going to make it and find new life.

If you’re a betrayed today, you most certainly did NOT put yourself here.  You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t deserve this.

However, you too are not alone and you too can go on. Hope is found vertically, not horizontally. As long as you look to your circumstances for hope you’ll be frustrated. You’ll only find hope today looking up, vertically, to your father who never forsakes you and never gives up on you and never leaves you as alone as you could be. Today just might be a day to look up and not within. As long as you look within, you’ll be frustrated, hopeless and empty. Coming to the end of yourself just might be a good thing for some of us. You can’t ever come to an end in your Heavenly Father.

I hope you’ll go on today. 

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