Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

“But we’re different” It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island. You feel like no one gets it. You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.   I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple,  normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website. We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex. But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know that any situation is easy when it comes to healing from infidelity. There are specificities to your recovery that are different than the next. There are unique needs your spouse has as well that must be addressed. But, you’re not out there on an island without hope or help. I’m not sure if you or your spouse is like me, but I was arrogant. I was prideful and felt like I was special. I felt like we couldn’t be helped and that I was in a dark hole.  We found Rick and he graciously, lovingly acted as though it was just another session and situation and that there was more hope than we could dream of or realize. He didn’t minimize our situation, but he did provide context to it and provide insight that this wasn’t impossible or without hope in the least bit. In short, he threw us a life preserver to get off the island. Often times we think we’re so different than the next and that we are in the margin of treatment for infidelity. If you see a general therapist, yes, you’ll probably forever be stuck in the margin. When you see an expert, you’re in the sweet spot to what they treat and how they care for couples in crisis.  See this article for more help: /newsletter/founders/2010-05-infidelity-counseling So I’d like to graciously and lovingly share with you today that you’re not the exception.  You’re not that different and that this is a safe place for you both to find healing and insight, even though your situation is so challenging and has such a unique twist to it. You can, in fact, find healing here. There is a life preserver here for you as well. It’s more than possible to find hope here, regardless of how many years out you are from the affair or disclosure or even the multiple affairs and probably multiple attempts at disclosure. Don’t allow the challenges of your situation to marginalize you and make you feel like no one gets it. There is a community and there is a support system of people and experts who get it and get you and can help provide context for you and your healing.  The support system can also provide unique insight into what may seem hopeless.   It’s been nine plus years. When I tell people our story, they gasp. (Yes, they really do actually gasp) We are walking miracles.  You too can be walking miracles.  Get off the island today, my friends, and immerse yourself here for context, guidance and support.

I’ve either played or coached baseball almost my entire life.  I grew up loving the game and I’m privileged that my sons also love the game. It’s in many ways a mirror of life and has taught me more about life than I could share in any one blog. When coaching outfielders it’s common to hear coaches instruct outfielders to “run to a spot” and find the ball.  It’s this habit pattern coaches try to pound into the mind of a good outfielder as they can then adjust, find the ball in the air and make what everyone else on the defensive side hopes is a fantastic catch. Rather than just running haphazardly, running to a spot intimates there is a plan for these types of situations. It’s the same way in life. When something happens to us, we run to a spot. That spot can be problematic or it can be lifesaving. When I’ve felt rejected from Samantha in the past, I’ve ran to a spot. That spot, if you will, has not usually been a good spot. It’s a spot of rejection I felt from my mom when I was young. It’s a spot that has a mentality of “Oh, you want to reject me? I’m not good enough? OK, well, I’m going to reject you too and I’ll just go over here, run to this spot, and be in my own world. I don’t need you. I’m fine without you.” It’s a bad spot. It’s a destructive spot. It isolates me. It makes me feel sorry for myself. It’s a spot where I take matters into my own hands. But I’ve run to that spot time and time again. If you’ve been betrayed, you’ve probably found a new spot to run to in all of this. I dare to say there are probably some terrible spots you’ve ran to, but hopefully you’re running to a new spot here on the site. If you’re unfaithful, you’ve already ran to a bad spot.  Perhaps it’s time to stop running to that spot and find a new spot to run to? If you can’t run home, you can at least run to a spot that’s in the direction of home and in the direction of eventually getting healthy and home to your spouse and family. We run to spots because we’ve been trained to. We’ve been instructed to. Life, bitterness, resentment and other reactionary patterns all want to force us to run to a spot. Most of the time, the spot we run to is not the correct spot. I hope you’ll take some time to find a new spot to run to. Then when pain comes, reminders come, when triggers come, or when new untapped resentment comes, you’ll run to that spot time and time again. Wear out the grass in that spot. Create new habit patterns at that spot. Make it the ‘new normal’ for you to run to that spot. Run to prayer. Run to meditation. Run to the website and others like it. Run to your journal. Run to your trusted friend who won’t advise you but love you, care for you, listen to you and support you. Run to your spouse if they will let you. If you have been running to a good spot each day, keep running to it. If you’ve been running to a bad spot, or the wrong spot, I’d like to encourage you today to run to a new spot.  It will change your entire outlook on things. 

Infidelity is tricky. On the surface it can seem like it’s all about sex and just wanting to engage in sexual activity with another or even multiple partners over the course of time. It can also seem as though the unfaithful just ‘wasn’t getting it at home’ so they went elsewhere. It’s an easy conclusion to come to, but merely scrapes the surface of the illegitimacy. A deeper look will reveal that it’s more about desire. We, the unfaithful, love to be desired. Unfaithful spouses typically resort to excuses like “I just wanted to be wanted for a change.” We’ll pin our affair(s) on our spouse’s lack of desire or passion and try to resort to blaming our spouse for making us vulnerable to an affair as they never wanted us. At least I did. In my case for example, Samantha did in fact, lose 90% of her sex drive and desire for me or any sexual activity at all. Why? Well here are a few reasons for why her sex drive diminished so severely. She was having kids, three to be exact. She was bedridden for 6 of the 9 months of pregnancy with all three kids. She was married to a control freak and workaholic who would be gone for a week at a time, or at the very least gone 4 to 5 nights a week doing ‘ministry.’ Why wouldn’t she feel her desire crash and burn? There was no connection and there was very little intimacy which was in place on a daily basis. We unfaithful spouses love to be desired like anyone, but quickly lose sight of the fact that we do have a responsibility in marriage to not only desire our mate (which was easy for me as I found Samantha absolutely gorgeous and extremely sexy) but we also must create desire for ourselves within our spouse by our connection with them. If we’re never connected with them, how will they ever feel desire for us? This isn’t new marriage where you both run around constantly desiring one another. This isn’t middle school or high school where hormones are running rampant and are firing on all cylinders at all times. This is real life, mid-life with kids, financial pressures, life changes, body chemistry changes, and perpetual look back’s to the life we thought we were going to have. Connection does not come easy anymore, except with fantasy and the illusion that being desired all over again will make life right again. It’s about desire and being desired. It’s about the insatiable hole within us, the unfaithful, which craves the feeling of being desired because we are not healthy. We are insecure. We are empty. We are craving validation. We want another to give us what we should only be able to find within ourselves and our mate. We want to blame someone else. We want to lay the blame at the feet of our spouse. Sure, we should be desired. Yet, we should create desire in our spouse for ourselves by our actions of emotional intimacy and connection, understanding that not every desire is to be pursued, as not every desire we feel is for our good. After all, if we’re constantly having to be desired, doesn’t it reveal an emptiness inside of us in the first place?

Marriages develop patterns, some good and some bad. It’s just what spending your life with someone does. When that marriage has been affected by infidelity, there usually is not only a pattern but a power struggle which emerges.  I’d like to highlight two power struggles, or scenarios if you will, that seem to be very common when dealing with infidelity and ambivalence. The unfaithful cheats and the betrayed are not only devastated but continues to pursue the unfaithful.  The unfaithful may still be involved with the affair partner or simply may be ambivalent, and the betrayed will do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Change, adapt, own what they need to own, maybe even beg plead and barter if only the unfaithful will come back home. The unfaithful may show signs of coming back, or may show some interest, only to in many cases reveal they are still involved with the affair partner and that they are ‘undecided’ ‘ambivalent’ or ‘unsure’ where they ultimately want to be. The betrayed will wait it out, or they will continue to let them be and inform them they will ‘be here’ when and if they decide to come home. It’s this mentality of ‘feel free to go figure it out and decide where you want to be and I’ll just be here waiting for you to come home.’  In this scenario, the unfaithful is the rock star. They are being pursued by both the betrayed spouse as well as the affair partner. Sure they are unsure or ambivalent and having been down this road before, I get it. But they are ‘in charge’ for the most part of how things are going to go. They will blame their betrayed spouse and justify their behavior with feeling ‘mothered’ or ‘controlled’ or you name it.  See the article series “How Could You” for more on that. Yet in order to take some of the power back, you, the betrayed have to stop chasing the unfaithful. You have to stop awarding the unfaithful this rock star status being chased by both parties. When Samantha stood up for herself and drew a line and said “where do you want to be”? She wasn’t playing games. She had an attorney standing by and wasn’t going to be taken for this ride of ‘pick me….pick me….pick me.’ She wanted to be wanted and wanted to be chosen and if not, she was going to go elsewhere. It grabbed my attention. It was sexy. It was intriguing. It was enough to make me pursue Samantha with a new respect. Yes, a respect as I was incredibly attracted to her respecting herself and at some level, demanding respect and appreciation. Yes I was mad about the marriage. Yes, I was angry about her rejecting me at times in the past, but this was a new Samantha. This was her taking the power back. No chasing me. No pursuing me. No begging. If the unfaithful perceives you as codependent or powerless, they will act on that and do what they want to do until you stand up for yourself and draw a line in the sand. It’s often at that scenario that they have a very quick, come to Jesus meeting with themselves. In scenario two, the unfaithful is a bully. They won’t get help. They won’t choose who they want. They are in the middle. They are an expert at using anger to justify and intimidate.  They continually hold over you, the betrayed’s head, the carrot of “well, I just don’t know where I want to be. I just want to take some time. I’m not sure. Don’t make me decide.” Or, they are with you and home, but refuse to talk about it and bully you with anger or hostility if you do want to talk about it or disagree with them. They know they are in charge and use their emotions to get what they want. If they don’t want to do it, then you’re not doing it and it’s their way or no way. In this scenario, it’s a tough road. The anger and the bullying are intimidating to say the least. It’s a fear based approach on the unfaithfuls’ part and they know it. They use your own fears of them leaving you against you and are masters at taking the possible uncertainty and using it to empower them and disempower you. Don’t’ fall for it. Utilize consequences as a tool to get their attention and retake some of the power. Use consequences like possibly sleeping in another room, separating, or even filing for divorce if they will not acquiesce and get help, expert help, and the help you’d like to get. If they think and know they can bully you, they will. I had a masters in bullying. Samantha knew it, but gathered a couple strong individuals around her and refused to be bullied. She said we were separating and it kicked me in the teeth. I was devastated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with Samantha but I wanted to be in the same house as my kids and she knew it. If I wasn’t going to do recovery work (even though I was unsure) then I didn’t get to be in the house unconditionally. I didn’t get to tuck in the kids every night if she didn’t feel safe having me in the home. While these two scenarios aren’t the only scenarios at all, they are very common in nature and enough of a backdrop to display how power can be taken back. 

We, the unfaithful, don’t like the emotion of the betrayed. We’d prefer the betrayed to stuff it down and not show much emotion at all. It provides a much more stable environment and doesn’t force us to have to face the fact that we’ve damaged our spouse and made some horrible choices. I was talking to a friend the other day and she shared about how she had forced herself to be numb for so long, that her latent emotions (from being betrayed) and compressed trauma was finally beginning to come out. For the betrayed, it’s often times like this waterfall of emotion that you wonder how you can control it. It just keeps coming and coming. The triggers happen faster than you can predict and before you know it, you’re a wreck. I hated when Samantha was emotional. It turned my world upside down. It caused me to have to face the fact of what I had done, and wouldn’t let me get back to what many refer to as ‘pretend normal.’ We simply pretend things are normal and life is OK and none of this has happened. Many times, we the unfaithful, don’t want to have to face what we feel. Or we just don’t feel at all. We don’t want to have to get off of auto pilot. We don’t want to have to face the music. We don’t want to have to stop what we’re doing which is really to preoccupy ourselves, and don’t want to have to confront our shame and confront the facts that we’ve traumatized you, the betrayed. You see, when you’re emotional, you’re actually alive. You’re actually affected by our choices. You’re actually a victim due to what we’ve done and we don’t want to have to admit that. We don’t want to stop auto-pilot, as auto-pilot is our friend to keep us from ‘feeling’ or what many would refer to as being ‘present.’ We hate being present as the present quite honestly sucks and we don’t want to have to FEEL. If we can stay busy or pretend that everything is Ok, or keep lying to ourselves that it’s all not that bad, we’re good and can go to work and just act like it’s all OK, when it’s not. Here’s where it gets ugly. You show emotion, trigger or flood and then we think to ourselves, “greattttt, here we go again.” We want to say horrible things like “get over it” or “really…again…we have to talk about this again today….?” We then bully the betrayed with statements like “you need to get over this. We can’t keep talking about this. We can’t keep having days like this.” The first year is typically just like this and filled with many of these same statements, if not worse and if not with more expletives. After about a year or so, these episodes should dissipate significantly, but there will be ‘moments’ like this for up to about two years, depending on the severity of the affair. We want you to stuff it down. If you’ll stuff it down, we too, can stuff it down and then we don’t have to talk about it. Or, we also want to schedule your emotion, which although humorous, is a bullying tactic. It’s like were saying, “no no no, don’t be emotional at all right now….but later, say from 9pm till 9:17pm or so, you can then be emotional.“ Yep, it’s ridiculous. We, the unfaithful, are typically bullies and control freaks. We want to control how you feel and when you feel, so we aren’t forced to have to feel as well, because if we have to feel, we’ll have to confront our own pain, and then we’re actually present. Feel my betrayed friends.  Feel, and get help to help you both finally be present. It’s the only way out. 

Often times we get into power struggles when we’re trying to get healthy. Time after time a betrayed spouse will force their mate into the power struggle of “choose me or your affair partner, right here, right now.” While I loudly applaud their willingness to not be codependent and I further support their right to draw a line in the sand, it’s just not usually that simple in many cases. I’m sure if you’re a betrayed spouse, I’ve already ruffled your feathers this early in the morning, and I’m sorry to do that. I only mean to bring about clarity. Let me explain a bit further. The fact is, if your spouse has been involved in an affair with one person for at least a few months and it’s now a full blown relationship, you’re competing with a fantasy. An illusion. A farce. If you, the betrayed, move right to the ‘me or them’ mentality, I’m sorry, but I think you’ll lose them or at the very least, exacerbate the entire process. They will typically do one of the following: They will say “OK I’ll come home and be with you,” but really only lie and continue to see their affair partner behind the scenes without you knowing. Much worse, you’ll find out they’re seeing their affair partner again and be even more devastated and the entire healing process will be delayed once again. You may also give up prematurely and decide they will never change or get it, when in fact, maybe they will if another road is taken.    They will come home, but grieve the loss of their affair partner continually, possibly continue to contact them via email or secret phone or some other method and resent you incredibly. They’ll probably have so much bitterness and numbness toward you and the marriage that you’ll most likely end up not wanting them to be home. You may even ask them to leave the house again as they just can’t or better said, won’t  get over their affair partner and make any effort to significantly reconnect with you.   They will not come home at all and though they are not secure in the fact that the marriage is truly over, they don’t want to give up their affair partner and they don’t have any vision for how the marriage could be saved anyway. As one spouse said to me yesterday “I don’t even know how to end the affair! Why should I come home now?” They’re not sure the marriage is over, but their affair partner is like a drug and they have zero idea on how to give up this drug they’re intoxicated by. To say its complex is a gross understatement. There is, however, hope and a better way. A suggestion I would make to you would be to tell your unfaithful spouse that you’d like to get help: not just any help but expert, infidelity-specific help. That you’d like to take the pressure off of making any decisions on where they want to be right now, other than the decision to simply get expert help and eventually make a decision. (You’d be surprised how many spouses come to the EMS Weekend still in contact with their affair partner and still not sure the marriage can be saved.)  Surprisingly, after expert help and insight, they begin to see they need to give their marriage a 90 day window with no contact with their affair partner. It’s the job of the expert therapist to get your spouse to see the need for that type of approach, not yours, as in most cases they have so much resentment and bitterness inside them, they will not hear it from you at all. They will block you out and refuse to hear anything you say objectively. Pushing the unfaithful spouse to choose you or them immediately doesn’t usually turn out well for a variety of reasons of which I’ve only shared a few for the sake of space. I can’t possibly cover every situation, but these are the most typical responses we’ve seen over the years. Every situation is different, yet there are some very solid, universal truths that must be pondered and utilized in drawing clear lines within recovery. 

The answer is, I don’t know. For me, it was a slow fade of unmet expectations, self-deception and immaturity which led to me finally one day say to myself, “I guess this is just the way it’s going to be….” I stopped fighting and resisting the affair and simply decided to manage it and manage my image, my affair and my two very different lives. I think that moment was a very significant moment where I lost more of myself than I was able to comprehend. The affair and my own personal darkness would only intensify after that moment. Samantha would continue to lose me emotionally and mentally over the next year or so till D Day would come rushing upon us, August 26th, 2005. I still remember a cold rainy day in Austin, Texas where Samantha and I were in a session with Rick and she yelled at me “Where is the man I married….Where is the man who was in love with Christ and in love with me and in love with humility? Where is the man who I could trust and depend upon?” I didn’t have an answer. Is the spouse you married gone forever to indifference, resentment and self-deception? Maybe. Equally true is the fact that they may be still there, deep down underneath all the dysfunction, ready to sober up when the right help is applied. The true me was there. No one but Rick, and one other person, believed I was still in there: the shell of a man I once was. A sea of people believed there was no other me than this me, and I was simply always a liar and a cheat. They shouted, wrote on line, blogged and even counseled Samantha that she was sold a lie from day one. That I was never going to return to any sense of the glory she one day saw, and that this was the true me, exposed to protect her and the kids and so many others from ever loving and trusting me again. It was agonizing. I was there. I know that I was. Yet the money, the success, the resentment, the self-deception, the rebellion, the feelings of inadequacy and unmet expectations had all done a number on me and I’m quite confident similar issues and crises have done a number on your spouse. Whether it be long term affair(s) or short term addictions, they are still there, probably lost as all get out and what’s worse is, they don’t even know it. They are probably buried deep down under the rubble and insanity of deception, but they are there. They’ve had to lie to themselves and justify things to themselves more than they’ve ever had to lie and justify things to you my friend.   Now, I’m not going to give you false hope and say that if you just love them, they’ll come back. That’s not true. I’m also not going to say that they will be back when they get tired of their affair partner either as that’s not altogether universally true. What is true is the fact that expert help, a proper recovery timeline and a specific protocol to your situation will provide the mere opportunity to help get them to come home emotionally, mentally and yes even physically. I not only came home, but was able to experience transformation and Samantha was patient and merciful enough to welcome me back, while also experiencing her own transformation. If you’re spouse has left you altogether and gone to be with their affair partner, I’m terribly sorry for that. I offer you the fact that just yesterday I spoke with a gentleman who left his wife, went through a horribly messy divorce, and has now come home about a year later. His wife has been open to restoration and is experiencing it, day by day, in ways she never thought possible. It’s not always the case, but it does happen far more than people realize or ever hear about.  I know it doesn’t make your pain go away. I know it doesn’t make it all alright. But I hope it gives you hope to carry on simply for that fact that perhaps, there is change and there is similar transformation awaiting you and your spouse. Till next time. 

There are a few really impacting definitions of what it means to undermine. Take for example Dictionary.com’s: to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth. Or Miriam Webster’s: to make (someone or something) weaker or less effective usually in a secret or gradual way. So often in our own personal recovery, we undermine ourselves. We aren’t typically aware of it. We don’t usually see it until someone points it out to us or we actually are ‘present’ or ‘aware’ enough to have a moment of personal clarity or revelation. I undermine myself and the next day’s productivity when I stay up late at night working, writing or just plain watching TV to escape the pressures of life. I undermine my ability to connect physically with Samantha when I don’t connect with her emotionally. I undermine my ability to lead and love my kids to the fullest potential when I only communicate with them when they need to do a chore, or to stop picking on their sibling, or do what I want them to do. I undermine my ability to establish and foster tight knit relationships with friends if I only reach out when I want something or need a favor. I undermine my recovery when I put myself in high risk situations with high risk people and little to no accountability. I undermine my recovery and Samantha’s trust when I knowingly put myself in situations which create suspicion, confusion or reminders in the mind of Samantha. I also undermine my recovery when I don’t live in light of what I’ve done in the past, even though I am forgiven and I’m not treated like a doormat in Samantha’s mind at all. I’m not living in the past; I’m living with the reality of what I’m capable of apart from grace. We have incredible ability to undermine our own recovery as well as our spouse’s. We don’t always see how we’re doing it and most of the time, we’re too stubborn to be told by someone else just how we are in fact, undermining the very thing we want to perhaps save, redeem or reinforce. Pride and stubbornness are the shovels which undermine recovery for some.  For others, it’s a refusal to take a shovel, start digging and simply get the right help. “I can do it myself” and “we can do this ourselves” are the very shovels which destroy the fabric of the marriage seeking restoration and redemption.  Excuses are another shovel. Rather than find another way to get help or take a personal step forward, we blame, accuse or lay our own health at the actions of another. Excuses are what give us a reason to settle for what is, rather than what could be in life and in recovery, and at the very least for ourselves. This walk of recovery for both spouses has its own pains, hurts and enveloping hopelessness. When we can finally come up for air from the darkness, it’s vital we take time to ask ourselves (or trusted source of expert care) where are we undermining our own recovery. Where are we subtly digging at the foundation we so desperately want to restore?  I hope you can find space to breath today and I hope you can take some time to explore where you may be undermining your own recovery. 

Probably close to 30% of the people I talk to say they think their marriage is over. In their limited experience, their spouse is acting as though it’s over. Many are justifiably so filled with hurt and pain they wonder if they can forgive, move on, trust again or ever have a life with their cheating spouse. Some of the unfaithful also wonder if they can spend the rest of their life with a spouse that, in their mind, they’ve never truly connected with. Before you say it’s over, I’d like to invite you to consider the possibility that perhaps it’s not, and that maybe it’s a chapter that’s over and not your marriage? There are several chapters a marriage in crisis goes through. The chapter of disclosure. Until the chapter of disclosure is completely written, it’s unlikely the marriage can be truly evaluated. The entrance of new information or drip feeding your mate, only exacerbates the pain and makes things worse. Until all the information is out, the next chapter of healing can’t begin or take shape at all. If total disclosure is not accomplished the marriage is paralyzed. The chapter of being willing to pursue expert help. Without expert help, the marriage stands little hope of finding new momentum and ultimate healing. I’ve referenced the need for expert help time and time again, but the fact is, without this level of help, it’s too early and too soon and probably too chaotic to say it’s over. The entrance of expert, infidelity-specific help will be a necessary chapter for any couple who is trying to heal from the effects of infidelity and/or addiction.  If you’ve never received help from a therapist who has been through infidelity before personally, and is a licensed therapist with at minimum 10 years’ experience treating it, I’d have to say it’s too soon to say it’s over. If you’re spouse has no desire to pursue healing, well, expert help will not work but I find that to be the case less than 5% of the time. The chapter of actually getting expert help and putting the work in.  It’s one thing to get help from an expert like Rick Reynolds; it’s another to actually do the work. Often times I’ll ask a couple I’m working with questions like “did you do this…..or what about doing this, did you do that?” When they reply “no we didn’t get around to it”, then I know we have a disconnect. If one or both spouses will not do the work, we have a breakdown in the process and most likely, a true evaluation of the potential of the marriage cannot be made. It’s only when at least one spouse is willing to do the work that the marriage can receive an accurate evaluation. Not both spouses you say? No. If one spouse is willing and the other is not, then it may be the proverbial writing on the wall. Or, if that spouse who is willing decides to take action to possibly get the couple unstuck, it’s at that critical point that the unfaithful will then respond. Examples include pursuing an attorney, filing for divorce, seeking a separation, or the like. It’s when those steps are taken that an otherwise unwilling unfaithful spouse will often times wake up and say “hold on here….let’s talk about this, maybe we should……...” It’s almost comical that when the betrayed spouse, in these particular situations, decides to take deliberate action that the other spouse will respond. However, if you keep doing what you’re doing, you will mostly get what you’re getting. The chapter of a 90 day window (not for all but for some).  For those who are uncertain if they want to return to the marriage, both unfaithful and betrayed, what will need to be implemented is expert help and then possibly about a 90 day window to assess the potential of restoration and the willingness of both spouses, primarily the unfaithful, to do what it takes to give the marriage a chance. It will have to be a 90 day window of no contact with the affair partner, as well as the care and recovery protocol of an expert and the goal of progress, not perfection. Without such a window of time to see how it goes, it’s just too early to tell. Perhaps they (the unfaithful) will wake up. Perhaps the betrayed can find healing and forgiveness. Maybe removing the third party (affair partner) will help clear up the fog and lack of discernment within the mind of the unfaithful. A window of 90 days is perfect to give the recovery process time to work and show itself successful. Alternatively, it’s an excellent amount of time to reveal how unwilling one or both spouses are to pursue recovery with a dedicated mindset. The chapter of moving forward, courageously.  I have always said it takes more courage to give restoration a chance than it does to cut ties and move on. Exceptions include perhaps domestic violence or a refusal to commit to a recovery pathway. Samantha could have filed immediately and said “Nope, no way.  I won’t be married to an adulterer. I won’t even give him a shot.” In the court of public opinion, almost no one would have disagreed with her. But, she gave it a shot. It took more courage than she’s ever utilized in her entire life (her words) to pursue restoration and give both recovery a chance, and me a chance.   It will take courage to pursue any successful and redeeming protocol of recovery. Every story has a bad chapter or two. It’s called conflict. Conflict is what sets the tone for the chapters on victory and breakthrough and restoration. Perhaps you’re just stuck in a bad chapter and there are many more chapters waiting? 

Suffering or adversity in life is often times treated as though it’s a mistake and shouldn’t happen to us at all. We think it’s not supposed to happen financially or emotionally, and certainly not maritally. Fact is though, what we suffer through in life teaches us an incredible amount about life, reality, God, and ourselves. My family and I each have a few things we are suffering through.  No we’re not homeless, thank God, and no we’re not in the middle of marital crisis like we were nine years ago. But all of us are in the middle of some tough stuff emotionally and physically. I hate that I have to go through it, that Samantha has to go through it and that our kids must face what they are encountering as some of it seems debilitating. I treat adversity like it shouldn’t happen to me.  I mean come on; I’m trying to help save marriages and help people find their calling and healing in life. I’m doing all I can to try and be a good person and help others. I’m not cheating anymore. Why does life, or God, or Satan or some cosmic force of evil have to pick on me and my kids like this?  Looking back, I’ve learned more in life through adversity than I ever have when things have gone well. However, when I go through intense adversity my knee jerk reaction is to believe I’ve been abandoned by God and left to myself to figure it all out. I know it comes from some childhood issues and some serious fatherlessness when I was growing up, but I’m doing much better with it all. Still, as you can tell from my blogs, I’ve nowhere near ‘arrived’ in life that’s for sure. Many of you are suffering and suffering incredibly. Some of you brought it on yourselves if you were unfaithful, and more of you have not. You’ve not asked for this. You’ve not done anything to deserve it. As one spouse said to me just yesterday “I never signed up for this.” Rather than present to you this epitaph of suffering and both of us miserably drown in this blog, I’d like to share with you that there are in fact, life changing rubies and jewels if you will, of healing and insight and revelation that are available when you’re suffering. When you’re suffering, it feels like you’ve been abandoned, but in fact, you’ve not been. The fact that you’re suffering proves you’re not abandoned and that there is a purpose to your life and to the trial you are facing. Yes, I said there is a purpose to what you’re going through. It will probably make far more sense in reverse than it does while you’re walking through it though and I get that more than you know. Maybe, just maybe, the suffering and the pain you are feeling is happening ‘for you’ and not just ‘to you?’ One of the greatest things that happened to Samantha and I was having my affair exposed. We were forced to confront what seemed impossible to confront. We were forced to talk about what we had swept under the rug for years and didn’t want to have to wade through. I was forced to find transformation, or be left for dead and miss out on restoration due to stubbornness and resentment. The richness of our lives has been learned through ploughing through the incredible amounts of hurt, pain, abandonment, confusion and agony. Yes, agony. It’s agonizing to go through what you’re going through. But I encourage you today to cry out to God. If you don’t believe in God, that’s OK. I get it. Maybe it’s time you ask if there is a God and if he’ll talk to you? Perhaps it might be time to ask him to reveal himself to you in a way that seems undeniable? Maybe it’s this entire nightmare which may be serving a purpose in causing you to reevaluate what your beliefs are? If you think I’m full of crap, that’s OK. I was there too. I’d like to end with a final thought that Tim Keller said once: “If God is treated as God during suffering, then suffering can reveal and present him in all his greatness.” I’m not sure about your faith or world view today and if you’re not a Christian or a believer at any level, it’s OK. This is a safe place for you and I hope you’re not offended. For others, and for me, as I finally treated God as God, and as I revere him and humble myself under God now, the suffering I’m experiencing reveals a beauty to Christ and reveals a whole new ocean of intimacy and oneness, the likes of which easy, agony-less living has never presented to me. Looking back, it was good that I had to experience what I’ve experienced in life. 

What happens when the betrayed is lonely? If you’re just joining us, we’re discussing the loneliness of it all and the need for community. Last time we delved into the world of the unfaithful and what happens when they are lonely or isolated in their recovery. This time we’ll discuss the mind of the betrayed and what they typically resort to when loneliness and isolation seem to envelop them. When the betrayed are lonely and isolated it’s incredibly difficult to not flood emotionally or give way to what appears to be an endless amount of reminders and triggers and intrusive thoughts. Keep in mind, triggers unfortunately are part of the horror of recovery, but will dissipate typically between 9 to 12 months depending on the personality type of the betrayed. Rick has discussed the fact that the betrayed, depending on your personality make up, may encounter between 80 and 110 different reminders and triggers every single day. It also takes about 1/200th of a second to flood emotionally. The triggers simply happen too fast to try and prevent them from happening. Without a sense of safe community surrounding the betrayed, it’s incredibly difficult to not lash out and flood at any given moment.  Lashing out is something that comes relatively easy to the betrayed when emotions are running ragged and they are attempting to connect with their spouse. Yes, you heard me correctly. It’s not uncommon at all for the betrayed to lash out at their mate, when really, behind the scenes, they are attempting to connect with their mate and bond. (It’s one of the hardest facets of recovery for an unfaithful to understand, yet if the betrayed didn’t want to connect they would simply ignore them and disconnect altogether). Yet, it’s when their emotions are leading the conversation and driving the communicative patterns that trouble begins to arise, while also understanding the fact that if the unfaithful isn’t aware of how to help the betrayed when they flood, chaos ensues. Emotional conversations are normal, as in this season of emotional carnage, it’s almost impossible to not have emotional conversations. However, what is essential is being able to eventually cultivate rational emotional conversations. I know what you’re probably saying: impossible. Not if the right help is sought after and that’s a promise.  Betrayed spouses also have to fight the war against self-pity. When resisting self-pity, betrayed spouses need a sense of courage to face the day, what seems like almost each and every day. There is an endless amount of opportunity to feel sorry for themselves and unlike the unfaithful, most onlookers will feel sorry for the betrayed. After all, they are the true victim in all of this. However, while on the road to recovery, self-pity seeks to cloud objectivity while also creating a roadblock to getting help and establishing momentum in personal restoration. Betrayed spouses also find it hard to have any sense of vision for what their marriage could be down the road without community. When isolated and feeling as though they are out on an island of hopelessness and paralysis, there isn’t any vision for restoration when you’re alone in your crisis. There just isn’t any model for what their marriage may be restored to. Community, as well as those who have survived and found healing, is a much needed wind to the sails of the betrayed. A vision-less recovery is drudgery.   I’ll never forget when we attended our own EMS Weekend. Samantha and I were on a break and took a walk to decompress a bit and get some fresh air. I simply said “well, how are you doing?” She said “it feels good to know I’m not the only one. That there are others who are struggling with their own hurt and pain. Some worse. Some better.”  It was perspective. It was that feeling of strange comradery that she (and I) were not the only ones struggling with this hellish nightmare that I, the unfaithful, had created for us. Yes, I had to own it. Samantha was incredibly humble and precious at the same time as she was cautiously willing to at the very least, see what potential there was for healing and restoration to our marriage and our family. We made a decision to not make any decisions until we received the proper help. Until we found other hurting individuals and a mentor couple at the EMS Weekend, we had no vision for recovery. We had no idea what a ‘healed marriage’ looked like,  sounded like and felt like. We had no perspective and we had no clue from books, articles or rumors of those who made it and those who didn’t. We needed vision. We needed a protocol. We needed others who we could lean on and those that could lean on us periodically as well. The betrayed also have to guard against their own vengeance upon the unfaithful. From punishing them emotionally and verbally to lashing out, to hating them in their heart, the betrayed must guard against such emotions as they only stall recovery and create more roadblocks to overcome. Samantha hated me for my actions. She despised my double life and wanted me to suffer. It was understandable at every level. She didn’t have an affair of her own, but unfortunately, you’d be surprised at just how many betrayed spouses end up having affairs of their own. For those unfaithful who do not receive expert help, close to 30% of them have revenge affairs. You may say it’s only 30%, but it’s incredibly tempting for many betrayed who even at the onset of betrayal say, “I’ll never have an affair like them.” Isolation is a breeding ground for dysfunction and despair. It just is. With limited perspective comes limited hope. With limited expertise, comes limited growth and healing along with exacerbated communicative dysfunction and cause for perpetual offense. When expert help and community are sought out, the entire process breathes a breath of fresh air and movement happens. 

What happens when the unfaithful is lonely? As we discussed last time, loneliness can be one of the most excruciating elements when trying to heal from infidelity. Between the isolation and the silent suffering, the pain of it all is only exacerbated when you’re alone in your life’s deepest pain.  It can be dangerous for both spouses in their own ways when you’re alone. Part of being alone is good as it forces us to process information, wade through emotions and actually hear from God or our conscience. Without this much needed time alone for Samantha and me, I don’t think we would have been able to really find the space and time to decide what we wanted to do. The loneliness provided a backdrop of sanctification and sobriety which although painful, was a necessity. Without being alone we wouldn’t have had to push through the barriers we both felt in our marriage and in our own lives. We had to get back to the basics of putting our marriage first and putting each other first in our lives. It was necessary time, but it was a difficult, desert-like time as well. While loneliness always serves a purpose, it is also a season filled with the potential for disarray and poor choices. When you’re an unfaithful and you’re lonely, you’ll be tempted to relapse or seek out another illicit outlet for your perceived unmet needs. When you’re lonely and you don’t have a safe place, you’ll be tempted to eventually give way to the loneliness. You will make poor choices out of a need for validation or in an attempt to fill the void that either the affair partner was filling or some other lesser supplement was filling. There will always be another affair partner waiting for you in the wings if you don’t have a plan and aren’t dedicated to your own recovery. It could be an actual affair partner or it could be the affair partner of working overtime, alcohol and drug abuse, escapism or any other sea of alternatives that medicate but don’t really heal. When you’re lonely and you don’t have a recovery plan in place you’ll look to fill the gap some way, somehow and it’s almost never in a good way. You’ll also be tempted with self-pity if you’re not careful. It’s easy to fall into shame and self-pity when you’re an unfaithful. After all who’s going to feel sorry for the unfaithful, adulterer? Not many I assure you. You’ll probably also be given towards self-comfort as well. Early on, it was like my own heart and emotions were screaming for self-comfort in some way or another. I had looked to my affair partner to comfort me more than any other relationship and that was gone overnight. To say there was a gap in how I found comfort and affirmation is an understatement and if it wasn’t for Rick, two other gentlemen and the EMS Weekend I don’t think I would have ever made it. Unfortunately, we unfaithfuls hear the statement ‘it’s not about you’ often enough to finally scream back sometimes, ‘well it would be nice if it was about us sometimes.’ The obvious retort is, ‘well the affair was long enough for things to be about you wasn’t it?’ Game. Set. Match. Yet when we’re engulfed in isolation and loneliness, we’ll be awfully tempted to keep making it about us. As long as we keep making it about us, the unfaithful, we just can’t get healthy and we can’t help our spouse heal and we’ll prolong the pain for everyone involved. Loneliness provides a canvas for either gut wrenching, life changing transformation or repetitive relapse or the switching of addictions. We’ll no longer be addicted to our affair partner, but perhaps we’ll try and find a lesser type of addiction to divert our efforts and self-worship. It’s difficult to not allow ourselves to be absorbed by self-pity and self-absorption. When we’re alone, feeling abandoned and not pursuing outside help, we’ll lose vision or find it incredibly hard to find any tangible hope for real healing and restoration, let alone that we won’t be forever lonely and abandoned, on an island, left for dead. I was watching the show Intervention tonight and one of the subjects was bawling about how hard it was to go and get help and the interventionist looked her right in the eye and said “welcome to recovery.” The truth is recovery will have moments of elation and moments of desperation. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the mountain one moment and then the next moment you’ll feel like getting in the car and never, ever, ever coming back. If it’s hard, it’s doing something to you. If it feels like you, the unfaithful, are dying inside, perhaps you are. Perhaps the part(s) that need to be starved to death are in fact dying, slowly but surely. Your spouse and children hang in the balance of your everyday decision to push through, live clean, refuse to give up and find that next degree of strength. Community is vital when you’re suffering. It’s why the EMS Weekend  and the EMS Online course on the site are so vital. They provide an opportunity for community that will not only suffer with you, but also provide a life giving setting of other hurting individuals who are slugging it out with life, consequences, anger, uncertainty and confusion. When you have a sense of community standing with you, and a proven protocol to follow, healing is as much as fifty to seventy five percent easier. I know from my own experience the healing salve of community and expert help and I hope you’ll take advantage of so many viable places to find support here. 

Wikipedia defines Loneliness as a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Upon disclosure, I’m quick to share that we lost all our friends with the exception of one or two. Samantha had two friends that stayed and I had one. The backdrop of our lives though, was perpetual community. There were people in our house almost every day and night, and we were surrounded by people. I was almost never alone, with the exception of when I traveled on planes or when I drove to meetings. Poor me I know. When the affair came out, hundreds of people vanished. Friends we had known for over 10 years were either told to stay away so we could work on our family or that we didn’t want anyone around us in such a tough time (which is a total lie). Our lives were turned upside down and the lives we knew for 10 to 12 years were gone and the best thing we could have had was loving people to support us and stand with us, especially Samantha.   Just yesterday I was working from home and was listening to a song which instantly brought me back to the lonely and depressing times we walked through early on. Within a few minutes I wept at how alone we both felt at one time. Samantha was actually much happier that we had relocated and left so many people behind, including the affair partner and the affair partner’s family. I however, was devastated and was in many ways miserable. It was like I was bipolar. I loved the fact that I was in the same house as my three kids and Samantha, but I was so alone and knowing I caused this isolation was even more cause for shame and self-hatred. Infidelity is just that, isolating. If you’re an unfaithful you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled every bad name in the book. It’s not dinner party or little league game conversation. If you’re a betrayed you also don’t want to tell anyone for fear of the labeling or the pity or the sense of shame that betrayed spouses can feel, or the unsolicited advice many choose to give. The potential labeling from stupid people who have the nerve to think you were a bad spouse or why else would they have cheated? Or, if you’d have just done this, then they wouldn’t have needed to go outside the marriage. What’s worse is it’s almost impossible to find a safe place or group of people you can find to talk to and not be told what you should do or how you should feel. Not to mention the unending pressure and ridiculous amounts of opinions of people who’ve never had to go through this agony and how they know what they would do. The “if it happened to me this is what I would do’s” are just about enough to make you want to take a long drive and never come back. Another group of hurt people can also lead you down a dark path. Even therapists who have been betrayed before can do damage. If their marriage didn’t work out due to infidelity or the like, it’s hard for them to find objectivity in their candor without having inclinations towards divorce. You may disagree and I understand that, but if you knew the amount of people I’ve talked to over the years who have experienced therapists who have unresolved issues, it would shock you. Additionally, you’ll find comfort in knowing that Affair Recovery has had a long, very long, longer than you would imagine, list of therapists who have had to come to them for help and healing and insight to their own affairs or addictions.   Where do you find objectivity? Where do you find a safe place? What is a safe place to begin with? Tomorrow I’ll be posting some examples of safe places as well as a list of what the unfaithful or betrayed are tempted to do when they are lonely. 

I’m a control freak by nature and love to, want to, and at one time, felt like I had to be in charge of most things. Surrendering doesn’t come easy in my life but I’ve learned how to be pretty good at it now, specifically because I’ve come to the end of myself so many times and had to surrender. Upon disclosure of my affair, I wanted to control how Samantha was going to respond and what choices we were going to make. Samantha was used to me being this sort of control freak for the previous 10 years of our marriage. To say I had a messiah complex was a bit of an understatement as I did consider myself a bit of a messiah for our family, our church, and our church members. I wanted to be at the center of almost everything and felt like I was the leader who needed to be involved in most, if not all, decisions. Looking back, it’s not only humorous, but grievous to see how prideful I was and how ‘in charge’ I wanted to be in my life and in the lives of anyone who was under my leadership and that included my family. Just after disclosure, something in Samantha decided it was no longer going to be the case. Maybe it was the stored up anger and resentment? Maybe it was the fact that I had broken all trust and completely lived a lie for two years?  Maybe it was the righteous indignation inside of her that was brewing and causing her to finally stand up for herself? If I’m being honest it was probably almost all of those things which were causing her to decide I was not going to be in control of what recovery looked like. I have a saying that I share with betrayed spouses probably every day. It helps them realize that they have to be educated and empowered on making their own decisions. It goes like this: “Any time the unfaithful is in charge of what recovery looks like, something is wrong.” After all, the unfaithful is the one who cheated, broke covenant and went outside the marriage. To think they, the unfaithful, are the healthy one in this relationship and situation is a mistake. They have been living a lie for who knows how long and have gone on in the affair justifying it and rationalizing it to themselves, and to think they are in their right minds now is ambitious at best. The betrayed is many times in shock of the affair and is often times caught completely off guard, but is in a far better place to know what they need to feel safe than the unfaithful does. I wanted Samantha to ‘move on’ and let’s start rebuilding things together. I disguised my control with this seemingly heroic sense of “here we go, it’s you and I against the world and we’re going to heal and move on.” If that was my mantra or hearts intent six or nine months into recovery and we had had enough time to process things, it would have been a huge win and a wonderful sign of my willingness to do whatever it took to save the marriage. At this point though, just a couple weeks into disclosure and new found life changing trauma, it was a subtle way of controlling how Samantha was going to respond. She was having none of it. She was going to decide what we did, when we did it and if we did anything. Samantha would look at the marriage in a new light and one day would deliver a crushing, yet truthful blow to my persona when she said to me “You don’t get to choose what recovery looks like. After all, look what you being in charge has brought us to in our marriage and in our lives?” I had no retort or rebuttal. I had to own it. She was no longer going to be led by me in this situation. She wanted to weigh her options and she wanted to decide on her own what she wanted to do. I know in my situation, I wanted to control Samantha’s emotions. I wanted to keep her from over reacting and from having reminders, etc., as it helped me feel in control. When Samantha had a reminder or a trigger and felt incredible waves of emotion, I then felt out of control. I then felt like I was helpless and couldn’t heal her, fix her or control her. I was left feeling as though I wasn’t in charge and that scared me. I felt like if I was in charge I didn’t have to trust anyone else but me. Yet, it was this incredible paradox as I had completely ruined our lives by being in charge. It was pure self-reliance and fear which were driving the bus, so to speak. This entire experience helped reveal how self-reliant I was and how afraid I was of not being in charge. It revealed how much I really just didn’t trust God or the process within this whole experience. I had become a master at control and looking out for number one, myself. I’ll never forget the time a friend said to me “Samantha has every right to be angry and divorce your good for nothing self. Stop trying to limit what she gets to do, say or feel. You can’t control her. You can’t control this situation. You can only control what actions you make and how you respond.” It was a punch in the gut. It was true. I had tried to control her and her reaction and I was doing it now. She needed to be respected and loved even though she was acting crazy at times and was unreasonable in her anger or her reactions; the fact was she was traumatized. I had to give her the right to be angry and upset and not judge her for it, or distance myself from her or alienate her in her pain. After all, she was in pain due to my choices and my actions and my affair. She was the victim of my choices and she was the victim to the actions of many others in the church. So for me to try and control her responses was the epitome of harsh, controlling and falsely messianic on my part. She needed freedom and she needed love from me: unconditional love from the perspective that she was in pain, not acting rationally and the best thing I could do was love her as she walked through this pain of betrayal while also not knowing if she wanted to stay married to me. She didn’t need any more control by me. She needed the freedom to feel without me deciding how she was allowed to feel. 

Lately I’ve spoken with many betrayed spouses who are in what feels like a constant state of flux. One minute they think they are headed to pay the retainer for a divorce attorney. The next minute their spouse is saying they want to come home, why can’t we work this out, and let’s put the divorce on hold. The next minute, when the betrayed tries to take some concrete steps towards recovery, the unfaithful spouse resorts to a stall tactic of “Well I need more time” or “Let’s just see how things go over the next few weeks, THEN we’ll see if we need help.” Stall tactics are what they truly are. What are they stalling for you might ask? They are stalling the betrayed from being in charge, or causing them to have to take any action or put an end to the fun they are feeling. They, the unfaithful, would rather sit and not have to take action and simply try and calm the betrayed down, rather than have to see a counselor, take a course, come to an EMS Weekend, do the First Steps Bootcamp program, talk to someone from an ‘infidelity-specific’ organization, or take any action at all. It’s human nature, we don’t want to have to do anything outside of our comfort zone, or in this case an unfaithful’s ‘control zone’ where they get to make all the decisions. “I just need more time” is the clarion call of the unfaithful, appearing to be sincere yet really just wanting to keep the pressure off them from having to end their affair, get help, or show much responsibility at all. It’s an everyday occurrence we see here at Affair Recovery. But why does this happen? Why does it feel like a tug of war? Why does the unfaithful toy with the emotions of the betrayed? These are all excellent questions, but we have to understand the mindset of the unfaithful. Who’s in Charge?   Whenever the unfaithful is in charge of what recovery looks like, something is wrong. The unfaithful is usually not in their right mind, has deceived themselves into either one or many long term affairs and has justified their infidelity time and time again both to themselves and their spouse. Do we really want that person in charge of what help we receive and deciding what direction we take in recovery? The unfaithful is also usually not sure what they want to do. They may say they want to save their marriage, but internally they may not be 100% sure they want to save the marriage and if they can stall the process for as long as they can, it provides time their go-between space: an opportunity to spend time with their spouse, as well as their affair partner, and then one day make a decision on where they want to be. The problem is, time doesn’t heal all wounds and time alone won’t provide the framework to make an educated and safe decision on where they should be ultimately. They would rather live ‘in between’ than ever make any decision. Most unfaithful are content to keep the situation the way it is rather than lose either their spouse or their affair partner. Why Are They Stalling? The unfaithful would love to stall the process as they don’t know what they want. Rest assured, if they can stall, they will. They typically love their kids and are open to saving the marriage for the kids, but can’t let go of the affair partner.  Often, they feel if they can stall the betrayed from forcing them to make any decision at all, they feel more in control. It’s bullying quite honestly. They can also keep the affair going on and still experience the enthrallment and ‘high’ they receive from still being with their affair partner, but not losing their spouse, their kids or their family unit. They know where they ‘should be’ but aren’t willing to do whatever it takes to get there and prefer to simply remain stuck. Without consequences that hurt, they usually will not wake up from the dream world they are living in. What’s a dream to the unfaithful is a nightmare to the betrayed. It’s like an addict that says “I’ll get help later…..”  They usually never do. Ninety-five percent of the time, what I have seen is that unless the betrayed draws a line in the sand and demands they get help, with impending consequences, they usually will not respond. (Sometimes they won’t even respond until the consequences actually begin to unfold, and in extreme cases the consequences won’t get through to the unfaithful and it’s unfortunately writing on the wall to the fact that the marriage is over). Do You Want To Get Well? It’s at this point that many betrayed have to ask themselves if they too want to get help or just remain in the situation, tolerating the indifference. It goes both ways: sometimes the betrayed would rather not put any pressure on the situation as they are afraid and don’t want to lose their spouse. What they have to ultimately ask themselves is “haven’t I already lost part of them and am I going to lose even more of them if I let this nightmare continue the way it is now?” Hoping they will ‘wake up’ on their own and ‘see the light’ on their own is quite honestly very enabling to the unfaithful and the entirety of the situation. It also completely underestimates the deception the unfaithful are entangled in, not realizing the underlying selfishness and self-absorption the unfaithful is swallowed up in.  

I was talking to a woman yesterday who’s been betrayed and searching for answers. She’s doing very well and working hard to wrap her mind around the mess of the betrayal. With a strong grasp on theology and a passion for purpose in life, she’s working to make sense out of this in the eyes of God, the eyes of her spouse and what seems like a thousand onlookers at her daughter’s school. I was sharing with her that this may in fact be the opportunity for transformation. We don’t always get to pick how transformation is packaged in life. Sometimes it’s packaged in an encounter at church or through a weekend retreat or something of those sorts, and yay for that. Other times it’s packaged in a great counseling session or a book which causes you to see things differently. But I have found in life that more times than not, transformation comes packaged horribly, disgustingly. It’s almost as if the package says inherently in its wrapping “Do not open this package. You don’t want this. Run away from me. I will wreck your life. NO ONE wants THIS package.”   My infidelity being exposed and made public was a package that showed up on Samantha’s doorstep. It seemed like the end of us, the end of life, the end of financial stability, and the end of happiness in our home as a family. It was humiliating to Samantha, to my reputation, to our church and the hundreds of onlookers who came to know of my moral failure. It seemed we were in a vacuum and every close friend and safe person we thought we could talk to was being sucked away from us almost overnight. Those that helped baptize my kids, those that worked closely with me every day, those that I talked to almost every single day, were seemingly gone in an instant. Our kids were five, four and six weeks old. Life itself was being sucked out of both of us, none more so than Samantha. We needed help and had no one. Samantha said more times than I could count, “I never signed up for this.” This package ended up being the very transformation Samantha had literally prayed for, for years. Samantha had been praying desperately for things to change with my relationship with my boss, with my approval addiction, with my travel schedule and with my controlling tendencies in the home and in my leadership.  I was a wrecking ball.  I had a messiah complex. I was becoming more and more a person Samantha despised. We don’t get to pick how transformation comes often times, or how it’s packaged, but we’re sure glad when it comes. It’s not uncommon for Samantha to stand on stage now, almost 9 years later, and do interviews or consult with other betrayed spouses and say literally word for word “I wish it would have come a different way, but it was the very answer to thousands of prayers I had prayed.” Yes, if it could have been packaged in a DUI, in a minor car crash, a near death experience or just financial failure she would have chosen that. I would have chosen that too. But, it came this way, due to my own selfishness and self-absorption. Perhaps this is a package you don’t want, but is the very change and life transformation you both want to see, need to see and have been praying to see. How you respond, what type of help you get, and where you get that help are all factors which will decide if it’s going to be transformative or simply destructive. Note: for some of you, I know your answer will be “But Samuel, I thought we were doing great. I didn’t even know we needed this transformation.  I thought our life was perfect.” I get it. I really do. However, though we may be totally unsuspecting of our need for transformation, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a need for change in our life. It doesn’t mean there isn’t new life available for you both. Though you may not have been aware of some things, it doesn’t minimize the fact that how you choose to respond to your own infidelity or your spouse’s will determine the quality of life moving forward. It hurts like hell to be on the betraying side. It’s not suck it up and move on. It’s do whatever you have to do to heal and find new life and peace in your own recovery. You can’t control what they do, but you can control what you do in response. I pray you find hope today and find comfort to take another step forward in your own painful, yet transformative journey. 

When my affair became public and the initial dust settled, I wanted to get back to normal, quickly. The problem was nothing in my life was normal. I was terminated from my position within 72 hours. I lost all the friends and associates I had in my vocation, and the only comfort I found was in Christ and in my two kids who were five and four years old. Samantha was furious and completely disoriented. After the first week or so she needed out and took the kids with her and went to another state with a friend of hers for space. When we had finally relocated, and we began to find new jobs and a new house, I wanted to get back to business as usual. I wanted regularity and normality. Samantha wanted change. She wanted to talk about it and ask questions and I wanted to talk about real estate, sports or the kids. The last thing I wanted to talk about was the affair and the collateral damage left behind. I’ve found that one of the most dangerous reactions a couple can have is to simply get back to business as usual, sweep it under the rug and just move on with little regard to the severity of the affair(s). Couples often times will have a few counseling sessions, either together as a couple or separately, have a few deep talks and then move on as if it was simply a bump in the road. I’m sorry, but that’s a recipe for disaster. This isn’t a bump in the road. It’s not even a small pothole. It’s a breakdown of the entire fabric of your marriage and must be addressed if there is going to be healing and restoration to the individual or to the marriage. Punching a few time slots on the timecard of professional counseling will just not suffice and what ends up happening is both spouses suffer longer, as there is never a true healing which takes shape. The relationship never experiences total transformation, but only a cheap paint job that chips almost immediately as you’re driving away from the painter. Here are a few reasons why returning to business as usual is something to stay far, far away from: When we simply go back to business as usual we sweep the affair(s) and trauma under the rug. What’s not addressed now will most certainly come back with a vengeance. It may be lasting trauma and pain. It may be unaddressed pain and hurt which leads to health issues or an inability to ever find healing. It may be untapped pain and resentment which makes the marriage miserable or even leads to revenge affairs by the betrayed spouse. You may say never me, nope that won’t happen, but I’ve talked to hundreds of betrayed spouses who had their own revenge affair within three to seven years. When we simply go back to business as usual we create exponentially higher rates of relapse. The fact is, if the affair isn’t addressed and if the unfaithful spouse doesn’t know why they cheated from a professional’s perspective, then they most likely will cheat again. They, the unfaithful, thinking they know why they cheated without expert help is just not intelligent or sufficient. Just yesterday a gentleman told me he cheated due to his wife not having enough sex with him. It’s just not that easy nor true my friends. When we simply go back to business as usual we lose an opportunity for total transformation. What if the affair(s) becoming public is exactly that, an opportunity for your marriage and for you and your spouse to experience total transformation personally and maritally? If we simply just quickly get back to life as it was, we lose the opportunity to experience a total reprogramming of our marriage and personal psyche. Over and over again, Samantha has shared with couples and masses of people that she wishes it was packaged differently, but the affair being exposed was God rescuing me and rescuing her and completely transforming our marriage, our lives and our theology. When we simply go back to business as usual we wonder if we will ever talk about anything but the affair(s). Take heart, you don’t’ have to talk about it incessantly for 10 years plus. If you obtain the right help it won’t take that long at all. Yet, if the right approach isn’t taken you may live under the shadow if it for that long, if not longer. It will most likely take about a year to two years before you’re healthy and on the road to transformation. Yet, the transformation will be more worth it than I can describe in this short little blog. The next 10 years and decades after will reap the benefit of getting the right help, right now, in the right way. Don’t let you or your spouse simply ‘phone it in’ and get back to the grind of life. Pursue expert help and find the transformation you both have available to you. Don’t settle for anything less. Don’t allow your spouse to treat this as a little ‘bump in the road’ as it’s not and never will be.  It’s an interruption to your auto pilot which creates space for you both to respond in a way that says ‘we’re never going back to being the way we were. We want the new us and the new marriage God has for us.’ 

My years of experience pale in comparison to Rick’s, however I’ve realized several principles while working for him these past years (and living through my own nightmare) and helping couples and individuals heal from the effects of infidelity. The other day Rick and I were talking and I alluded to something that he confirmed. I was discussing the struggle of a particular couple and asking him for some thoughts on it and he shared with me his perspective from close to 30 years, THAT’S 30 YEARS of treating infidelity and compulsive behaviors. He said “Samuel, most people can get over the affair(s): it’s the lying they can’t get over. It’s the continual discovery of new information they can’t get over.  It’s the continual relapses they can’t get over.” In no way is that to minimize the fact that you or your spouse have broken a covenant and trust and completely annihilated the marriage boundaries. The fact that this has happened is devastating in every sense of the word and is not to be overlooked. However, I have found that many men and women are able to overcome the existence of infidelity and forgive their mate. However, oddly enough, there are certain things these same spouses are not able to overcome and likewise there are certain actions the unfaithful are unwilling to let go of.  For today, we’ll discuss the fact that betrayed spouses are not able to overcome and endure the perpetual lying. Believe it or not, with the right help, spouses can forgive and overcome the reminders and triggers associated with infidelity.  However, when the lying does not cease and the deception continues on, spouses are simply not able to get a read on when their spouse is telling them the truth and when they are lying. (Yes, to those who are already thinking what I’m about to share…...) Some spouses just plain refuse to be honest again about much of anything. They are so used to lying and telling half-truths, they just will not be totally honest about anything. From their feelings, to how long the affair was, to who they talked to today on the phone, to what this person said or that person said to a litany of other instances. The reasons are another blog altogether, but the fact is, the inability of the unfaithful spouse to return to honesty is what many times is the undoing of the marriage altogether, not the infidelity per se. The betrayed spouse is then no longer able to discern between what to believe, what not to believe and cannot reestablish trust. Trust is rebuilt on intimacy and intimacy is rebuilt though honesty and if there is no honesty, trust can never be restored and the marriage has little true hope. It can be as simple as a spouse saying “I had a sandwich for lunch” yet later that night the betrayed spouse sees on the credit card statement that he/she went to a Chinese food restaurant.” The appearance of recurring deception seemingly punches the betrayed in the gut and it creates the appearance of never ending deception. The betrayed spouse is no longer paralyzed by the affair, but paralyzed by the lying. This may shed some light to both spouses in terms of understanding recovery. For example, if you’re an unfaithful spouse and having trouble being honest, perhaps this will help you understand why the slightest bit of mistruth or untruth launches your spouse into a panic attack. Additionally, if you’re spouse feels they can’t trust you about where you eat lunch and what you eat, how can they trust you about the business trip, the night out with clients or where you were for a two hour meeting? For the betrayed spouse, I know it’s all overwhelming. Maybe this explains why your emotions run riot when there is any form of deception. It’s a huge reminder but it’s also a return to ground zero in your mind and heart and so it causes you to return to the same emotions you felt weeks, months or years ago. You may initially feel like it’s the affair that’s the root cause, but I would ask you to reconsider and perhaps realize it’s the deception which is the culprit here.  Yes the affair was wrong and devastating, but maybe you’ve gotten a grip on that and forgiven it, yet the lying or deception is what is stealing from you?  I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions if you need help. 

I’ll never forget one day talking to Rick and I interrupted him and said “But Rick, when are we going to talk about HER??!! What about all the things SHE did wrong too?” (While I’ve been stupid at times in my life, very stupid indeed, I was smart enough to ask this question when I was meeting with Rick alone.) I felt like I was being hammered on time and time again so I figured it was time to ask that question. I mean, Samantha wasn’t perfect. She was unkind,  rude, rejecting, never wanted to have sex, never said anything encouraging about me and what I was doing, so when were we going to talk about her crap? Rick was patient with me and my stupidity. He simply smirked and said “As soon as you are able to talk about and own all of your own crap first, without being constantly defensive or justifying it all.” Although deceived and stupid, I wasn’t being a jerk in my tone. I simply was frustrated and wanted to know when we would address Samantha’s insufficiencies.  I think Rick knew that, and didn’t lay into me like he could have. He realized I was genuine but still lost. Until the unfaithful is willing to talk about and own THEIR unfaithfulness, the betrayed will be reluctant to own or talk about any of their own struggles and failures as a spouse. They just don’t feel safe yet. They also are still too angry and vulnerable and can’t see straight for the hurt and pain. Rick didn’t hammer me or shame me. He educated me. I’ll never forget when he said that. He explained more about the betrayed and helped me understand that until I would humbly own what I did and embrace the fact that I could have done a litany of things instead of cheat, Samantha would never feel safe enough to discuss where she failed too. He literally promised me that if I would do what he was encouraging me to do, things would change. When I owned my crap if you will, and didn’t revert to defensiveness and justification, it was like clockwork. Samantha started to discuss her own shortcomings and where there were vulnerabilities in the marriage that she allowed. Looking back it seemed I would own up and embrace my failures on a scale of about four to one. Illustrating that I would probably have to own up to four times as much blame and then she would eventually feel safe enough to own maybe one part of her own. This continued for several months and is the way I would describe year one. The next year, it decreased to about three, sometimes even two to one. By the third year, it was a level playing field. She would own her own shortcomings and failures about equal as I would. It was not, or ever will be a mentality that she caused my affair. Not at all, so before a few of you hit send and try and get me fired up by your accusations and unresolved personal anger, please re read that. Yet, she finally felt safe enough to own about the same amount of blame for vulnerabilities in the marriage as I did. Is this a true paradigm for all marriages in recovery? Absolutely not. Is it a trend? Without question. I wonder what your paradigm looks like. I bet it’s all over the board, depending on the help you’ve received and how far out you are from disclosure. If you’re an unfaithful and you want movement in your recovery, own as much as you can. Stop being defensive and blaming your mate. You cheated. Maybe you both did. Who will own it more and who will own it first, genuinely, humbly? Face it like we did. You could have done a congressional library of other things, but you didn’t. As soon as you own that fact, it will help pave the way for your spouse to embrace and own their own responsibility. 

“As the truth of the situation slowly began to penetrate, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt so strongly: shock, disbelief, horror, despair, anger, pain, sadness. With a newborn and two small children, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I switched to autopilot to provide just the essentials for my children. I sifted through the options on an hourly basis, separate, divorce, or stay? All the while, the theater in my mind continued playing the details of the affair over and over again. I didn’t sleep, barely ate, and cried constantly. Every time I looked at Samuel, hate would well up in my heart, and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I got on a plane with all three children and fled to a friend’s house.” Samantha wrote those words several years ago when her story was featured in an article here at Affairrecovery.com. When I read her story and heard her use the word ‘hate’ I was perplexed. I spoke to Rick about it and he confirmed what I have called “temporary hate.” He said, “Yes, Samuel, she hated you but yet loves you. If she just hated you, she’d probably divorce you and leave you.” Samantha most definitely “temporarily hated me.” Strong words for sure, but after all I had done and all I had lied about for two plus years, it was understandable. So when I was saying “can’t we just get over it” and “do we have to relive this each and every day” I had no idea the hate that was inside of her. When I said “can’t we just take a break from all this and relax,” I was giving no credence to the fact that just too merely be around me was an exercise in self-denial for her. When I was disengaged and disoriented upon practically losing everything within 48 hours, Samantha was more focused on the reality of her own hurt and pain and how the man that was supposed to protect her had betrayed her like never before in her life. I had no idea what I was up against inside of her. The hate she was feeling was so much stronger than my understanding of what had been done to her and what was actually happening inside of her while also trying to care for a 5 year old, a 4 year old and a newborn. I wonder today if you, the unfaithful, need to be made more aware of just how intense the emotions are that your betrayed spouse is feeling? Perhaps you need to step back and read Samantha’s tale of temporary hate and factor into your situation a level of (temporary) hate, anger and rage that your spouse may be feeling? I wonder if maybe you’re trying to match your spouse’s emotions, but not realizing the level of pain and hurt they are encountering is more palatable than they are able to express to you right now?