Affair Recovery

Today I want to discuss a new term called Grief Illiteracy which impacts the unfaithful spouse in ways they're probably unaware of. I also share some of my personal experiences with how to help treat this grief illiteracy.

It's common for a spouse to say "Well, if you would have done ____, I would have never cheated." While I said that myself many times, a deeper explanation of what is going on in the mind of the unfaithful is needed for clarity and healing.

“But we’re different”

It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island.

You feel like no one gets it.

You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.  

I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple,  normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website.

We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex.

But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know...

I’ve either played or coached baseball almost my entire life.  I grew up loving the game and I’m privileged that my sons also love the game. It’s in many ways a mirror of life and has taught me more about life than I could share in any one blog.

When coaching outfielders it’s common to hear coaches instruct outfielders to “run to a spot” and find the ball.  It’s this habit pattern coaches try to pound into the mind of a good outfielder as they can then adjust, find the ball in the air and make what everyone else on the defensive side hopes is a fantastic catch. Rather than just running haphazardly, running to a spot intimates there is a plan for these types of situations.

It’s the same way in life. When something happens to us, we run to a spot. That spot can...

When in recovery after infidelity, it's critical to have a 'Spotter' - Someone who has navigated the stormy waters of infidelity. Let's discuss why this is important and who should be and who shouldn't be the 'Spotter' in your recovery.

Marriages develop patterns, some good and some bad. It’s just what spending your life with someone does. When that marriage has been affected by infidelity, there usually is not only a pattern but a power struggle which emerges.  I’d like to highlight two power struggles, or scenarios if you will, that seem to be very common when dealing with infidelity and ambivalence.

We, the unfaithful, don’t like the emotion of the betrayed. We’d prefer the betrayed to stuff it down and not show much emotion at all. It provides a much more stable environment and doesn’t force us to have to face the fact that we’ve damaged our spouse and made some horrible choices.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she shared about how she had forced herself to be numb for so long, that her latent emotions (from being betrayed) and compressed trauma was finally beginning to come out. For the betrayed, it’s often times like this waterfall of emotion that you wonder how you can control it. It just keeps coming and coming. The triggers happen faster than you can predict and before you know it, you’re a wreck.

I hated when Samantha was emotional. It turned my...

Often times we get into power struggles when we’re trying to get healthy. Time after time a betrayed spouse will force their mate into the power struggle of “choose me or your affair partner, right here, right now.” While I loudly applaud their willingness to not be codependent and I further support their right to draw a line in the sand, it’s just not usually that simple in many cases.

I’m sure if you’re a betrayed spouse, I’ve already ruffled your feathers this early in the morning, and I’m sorry to do that. I only mean to bring about clarity. Let me explain a bit further.

The fact is, if your spouse has been involved in an affair with one person for at least a few months and it’s now a full blown relationship, you’re competing with a fantasy. An illusion. A...

There are a few really impacting definitions of what it means to undermine. Take for example Dictionary.com’s: to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.

Or Miriam Webster’s: to make (someone or something) weaker or less effective usually in a secret or gradual way.

So often in our own personal recovery, we undermine ourselves. We aren’t typically aware of it. We don’t usually see it until someone points it out to us or we actually are ‘present’ or ‘aware’ enough to have a moment of personal clarity or revelation.

I undermine myself and the next day’s productivity when I stay up late at night working, writing or just plain watching TV to escape the pressures of life. I...

Suffering or adversity in life is often times treated as though it’s a mistake and shouldn’t happen to us at all. We think it’s not supposed to happen financially or emotionally, and certainly not maritally. Fact is though, what we suffer through in life teaches us an incredible amount about life, reality, God, and ourselves.

My family and I each have a few things we are suffering through.  No we’re not homeless, thank God, and no we’re not in the middle of marital crisis like we were nine years ago. But all of us are in the middle of some tough stuff emotionally and physically. I hate that I have to go through it, that Samantha has to go through it and that our kids must face what they are encountering as some of it seems debilitating. I treat adversity like it shouldn’t...

What happens when the unfaithful is lonely?

As we discussed last time, loneliness can be one of the most excruciating elements when trying to heal from infidelity. Between the isolation and the silent suffering, the pain of it all is only exacerbated when you’re alone in your life’s deepest pain.  It can be dangerous for both spouses in their own ways when you’re alone.

Part of being alone is good as it forces us to process information, wade through emotions and actually hear from God or our conscience. Without this much needed time alone for Samantha and me, I don’t think we would have been able to really find the space and time to decide what we wanted to do. The loneliness provided a backdrop of sanctification and sobriety which although painful, was a necessity...

I’m a control freak by nature and love to, want to, and at one time, felt like I had to be in charge of most things. Surrendering doesn’t come easy in my life but I’ve learned how to be pretty good at it now, specifically because I’ve come to the end of myself so many times and had to surrender. Upon disclosure of my affair, I wanted to control how Samantha was going to respond and what choices we were going to make. Samantha was used to me being this sort of control freak for the previous 10 years of our marriage. To say I had a messiah complex was a bit of an understatement as I did consider myself a bit of a messiah for our family, our church, and our church members. I wanted to be at the center of almost everything and felt like I was the leader who needed to be involved in most,...

I was talking to a woman yesterday who’s been betrayed and searching for answers. She’s doing very well and working hard to wrap her mind around the mess of the betrayal. With a strong grasp on theology and a passion for purpose in life, she’s working to make sense out of this in the eyes of God, the eyes of her spouse and what seems like a thousand onlookers at her daughter’s school.

I was sharing with her that this may in fact be the opportunity for transformation. We don’t always get to pick how transformation is packaged in life. Sometimes it’s packaged in an encounter at church or through a weekend retreat or something of those sorts, and yay for that. Other times it’s packaged in a great counseling session or a book which causes you to see things differently.

But...

My years of experience pale in comparison to Rick’s, however I’ve realized several principles while working for him these past years (and living through my own nightmare) and helping couples and individuals heal from the effects of infidelity. The other day Rick and I were talking and I alluded to something that he confirmed. I was discussing the struggle of a particular couple and asking him for some thoughts on it and he shared with me his perspective from close to 30 years, THAT’S 30 YEARS of treating infidelity and compulsive behaviors. He said “Samuel, most people can get over the affair(s): it’s the lying they can’t get over. It’s the continual discovery of new information they can’t get over.  It’s the continual relapses they can’t get over.”

In no way is that to...