Don’t Make The Unfaithful The Star of the Show

Often times, the unfaithful feels stuck: stuck between two people, their spouse and their affair partner.

One is a life of illusion and fantasy and their needs seemingly being met anytime they choose.

One is a life of responsibilities, conflict, unmet needs and you know real life.

It’s not uncommon at all that the betrayed spouse will chase the unfaithful spouse. Whether it’s to woo them or win them the fact remains they are pursuing their spouse. Who wouldn’t? It’s the normal knee jerk reaction and we’re not playing cards here. This is real life with often times decades of marital history involved and what was supposed to be ‘till death do us part.’

Keep in mind, the unfaithful is also being pursued by their affair partner. Many, not all, but many affair partners (soft data if you will, would be about 65%) will not only seek to undermine the marriage, but magnify the weaknesses of the betrayed spouse in an attempt to woo the unfaithful spouse back to solidify or reinforce the affair. In most cases it’s incredibly hard for the affair partner to let go of the unfaithful spouse and will usually stop at nothing to keep the affair going.

In this scenario, the unfaithful is the ‘star of the show.’ They have it both ways. They are pursued by the betrayed spouse and they are pursued by the affair partner. Quite frankly, they may feel guilt and remorse, but they love the attention and drama far more than they feel guilt, remorse or sorrow. After all, who doesn’t like attention, affirmation and being pursued? It becomes like a drug to them. They are now stuck and refuse to let go of the drug-like attention they are getting from both sides.

While every situation is different, there are similarities and in this particular situation, I would encourage you (the betrayed) to no longer make the unfaithful spouse the star.  Chasing them, pursuing them or trying to woo them only exacerbates the situation and will continue the dysfunction. Even harassing them or punishing them is an act of attention and will prove not only exhausting but frustrating. Pulling back, ending the insanity and refusing to play the ‘chase me game’ will usually pay far more dividends than allowing the game to continue. Inflicting consequences to their duplicity will usually help wake them up or cause them to rethink the marriage far more than playing the celebrity game.

If you’re an unfaithful reading this, I hope and pray you see the damage you’re inflicting upon both your spouse and even the affair partner. You’re stuck my friend and you’re a wrecking ball without brakes and it’s not buildings that are in the mix: it’s people, lives, relationships and maybe even kids. There is hope. There is help.  There is, a better way. 

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You mentioned inflicting

You mentioned inflicting consequences will usually wake them up! What kinds of consequences are you referring to and will it even work if they are addicted to being stuck?

inflicting consequence

Vanessa, thank you for your comment. addicted to being stuck is a tough situation for sure. some may not know what that means, but if you're using that verbiage, I'm quite sure you've had a difficult road. this article may help for sure: sometimes its separation, other times it's more minor, but sometimes it's the need to divorce or at the very least file for divorce and let them see you're not codependent. there can be a litany of things you can do, and every situation has it's unique idiosyncrasies. let's see if this helps you and if you'd like to share more I'll do my best to answer today as well. thanks for reading and commenting.

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