Bad Advice Blog

Submitted by Hope-Now Wed, 10/31/2012 - 14:35

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. That happens to me from time to time and I am sure it’s nothing compared to what you must be going through. But what gets me is the advice I keep getting from well-meaning friends and family. If I wasn’t down, I’m sure some of it would be downright funny. So far I’ve been told to “get over it,” “quit my job,” “get rid of my stress” (that’s something I’d like to do, but I’m not sure life will cooperate), “turn my underwear inside out,” “cut lose and get drunk,” “relax more”…

And that’s just for a funk. The advice many of my clients have been given is far more outrageous.

So, in hopes of gaining perspective, we’re going to have a bad advice contest. Just post a few sentences about the worst advice you’ve been given about infidelity.

To healing,

Rick

Congratulations

To our winner from November 2012: Anonymous with the randomly selected entry "After Discovering my Husbands." We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online

To our winner from October 2012: Duwayne with the randomly selected entry: "Bad Advice". We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online.

To our winner from September 2012: Nour with the randomly selected entry: "What did you expect?". We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online.

Add New Comment:

Comments

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

"You must have done something to make him stray. Figure out what you did wrong."  That one hurt the most.  I wracked my brain trying to figure out 'what I did!'.  I still see the accusation from people who feel this way, but I know my husband was responsible for his own sin.  I may have failed in some areas, but nothing ever deserved this type of betrayal. 

Also, "he doesn't deserve you, just move on."  That may be true....but I loved this man who broke my heart.  I wanted healing, not a replacement. 

Bad advice

Submitted by phyllis0603 on
My husband has been cheating, lying and disconnected from me for ten years. We recently moved back in together. My mother said, "You should be doing the cooking and house work, not him. That's your job as a wife." Really mom? That is all I've been doing for 24 years and look what I got! I did everything I thought was right and godly but I got my heart smashed into a million pieces and my marriage is hanging by a thread even after EMS Online. He still with holds info, flirts with Co-workers... He doesn't say say the words of "just get over it already" but when he says "I don't think I can deal with you being upset over my behavior "that is what I feel he is saying. God is helping me through this journey and I need my husband to help me also.

Be careful about counsellors.

Submitted by Sarahxyxy (not verified) on
Be careful about counsellors. It doesn't matter how many credentials they have. If what they say doesn't seem right then it just isn't. Don't be disappointed for too long if a counsellor is not what you hoped. Take time to reflect on how it went and then start again. If the counsellor doesn't 'get it' then don't focus all your efforts trying to explain it to them. It will prolong your sadness and make you feel confused and alone.

Thank you for this comment. I

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Thank you for this comment. I have been cheated on and my counselor keeps making me feel that I am the reason this happened. I dont want to hear this. My husband cheated because he had low self esteem issues. It is not fair that I am blamed for these and asked to work on things. I know I have to work on things, but it is something that I will do anyway. Arent counselors supposed to make you feel better?

question

Submitted by carrie c (not verified) on

Hi Rick,

To gain more perspective in my own situation (My husband was the one who cheated)

How long has it been now since discovery?

How long have you been "getting over it" as they ask of us?

Bad advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
The worst advice I received was from my pastor. Upon hearing from me that I finally had proof of my wifes infedility and what I had to do to get that proof, he told me to "stop digging for information", that "she would tell me when she was ready", and that I needed to "tell her exactly what I did to find out that she was being unfaithful". I did those things, and because of that, it gave my wife the chance to say her affair was "a one time deal". Four months later I know nothing more. I have looked back to that day and have regretted it ever since. He wanted me to be calm, when I really wanted to "press".

NEVER EVER GIVE UP YOUR SOURCES

Submitted by mRcu$ (not verified) on
If you TELL THEM HOW, it will make it easier the next time they WILL BE tempted. They will know how to advoid detection. PLUS, if you find out by any "ELECTRONIC" avenues... THEY can prosecute YOU, and we are NOT talking about more allemoney or less rights in civil courts, i am talking about FEDERAL PENITENTIARY time, one of my friends did EIGHT YEARS for looking through his wifes email! Just do NOT EVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCEs, journalists dont do it for a GOOD REASON.

Bad Advice

Submitted by T (not verified) on
Two things come to mind: "Don't you just want to go out and have a revenge affair?" and: "Human beings are not monogamous. It's really hard to stay with one person your whole life; that's why people have affairs."

Bad Marriage Advice

Submitted by KimberlyAE (not verified) on
I'd been in counseling sessions due to past life experiences that were haunting me. My husband had joined me later in the counseling sessions. At one point when he finally told me about his infidelity... he had already discussed with counselor about leaving me. We had a miracle to save us... still seeing counselor... counselor told me that the new would wear off of him with his [girlfriend] that I needed to just let him see her anyway.... =-|

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

"Is Your God Big Enough, Or Not?  Do You Believe God Can Heal Your Marriage, Or Not?  And If You Don't Believe It, Then Just Throw Your Bible In The Trash Right Now!"

It was weeks after discovery and the wave of devastation had begun to wax and wane just a bit compared to the tidal wave that knocked me off my feet and held me underwater for those first days.

This day the pain was waxxing extremely high.  All the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that accompany betrayal were peaking yet again.  In hindsight I truly do not know if his response was genuine, or if perhaps it was generated by his slowly-deteriorating patience with me to recover and move on.  But that day my Pastor entered my personal space, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me, "Is your God big enough, or not?"

He pressed on with, "Do you believe God can heal your marriage?  And if you don't then you might as well just throw your Bible in the trash right now!"

At that moment my husband was off the hook.  His infidelity was no longer the issue.  The question at hand now was pointed toward me - - toward me and my God. 

I was being held hostage by my own Pastor.  He had become a terrorist.  The horizontal pain and devastation that I was suffering because of my husband's affair had been trumped by the condition of my vertical relationship with the Lord.  Deep down in my heart of hearts I know he knew I would cave.  I would cave, and he knew it, because this Pastor knew how devoted I was to the Lord.  He knew I would not - - I could not - - give in and give up to heresy.  He knew I would not deny the power of the Lord to heal and restore.  Other questions followed:  "Do you TRUST GOD to heal your marriage?"  "Don't you believe God wants your marriage to succeed?"

The answers were all the same.  Of course I did. So I said so, and from that day forward I was never allowed to speak of the affair again.  Ever.

That moment was the moment when post-traumatic-stress-disorder (ptsd) was planted in my soul and 22 years later it broke through the soil of my life.  Twenty-two years later, after walking away from the discovery of my husband's affair with no counseling, no answers, no resolution whatsoever, it finally errupted from deep down in my shattered, scarred-over soul and tried to kill me all over again. 

So, the absolute worst advice you could give to a person walking through the aftermath of betrayal would be to hijack their life and demand that they trust God, or else. 

 

 

It's simple...

Submitted by shannon0627 on

I had the same experience.. except my pastor said, after a big sigh, making me feel that he had had about enough of my visits.  Do you want your marriage or not.

That simple.

 

 

bad advice

Submitted by Dee (not verified) on

"Dress sexier and flirt with him" this was particularly difficult to take since my husband has refused to be physically intimate for over a decade(not something easy to talk about) and his affairs were ALL online and by phone. Also, there are some strong indicators that he is struggling with same-sex attraction.

REALLY Bad Advice

Submitted by Shannon E (not verified) on
So, my husband & I were separated at the time, due to his infidelities. We had been seeing a therapist that HIS parents recommended, both individually & together. Mind you, my husband's affair was still ongoing & the therapist had that knowledge. At the end of one of my individual sessions, the therapist told me "the best advice I can give you at this point, is go find yourself a group of gay men to be friends with. That way you can have all of the male attention you could ever want & yet not have to 'put out' at the end of night." REALLY?...that's the best advice you can give a woman who's marriage, hopes, dreams and trust have been shattered? Really? That was the last time I went to him...and to a non-Christian counselor.

Bad Advice

Submitted by Duwayne (not verified) on
My betrayer told me that if I were not so sad and hurting, she would enjoy being with me more. She still refuses to commit to a normal marriage and asks why can't we be friends if we split. She asks me for more time even though I have given her two years with which she has done almost nothing for our relationship.

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
For context purposes -- I was the one who was unfaithful. Both my wife and I ha a lot of support and guidance from Pastor, Therapist, and immediate family. The worst advice I got was from Satan: "Your only looking at pictures. No one has to know." "You'll never get over this sin, so you might as well continue." This went on for a long time and then I fell into the very act physically. Prayer, fasting, repentance, guidance from an excellent pastor and counselor and a willingness on the part of both of us to restore our marriage were what saved our marriage and it is stronger than ever.

The worst advice...

Submitted by S0801 on
The worst advice I received was when my husband was still involved with the AP. I sought advice from someone who had been through betrayal by her husband and their marriage had survived. She told me to be "fun" and behave in a way that would convince him to choose me instead of the AP. I was so insulted, but knew my behavior wasn't the issue. Looking back, I'm proud of myself that I was that strong so early on. I know the infidelity wasn't about me.

bad advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Bad advice - I was the unfaithful one but the worst line I hear from others on the outside is once a cheateer always a cheater. I don't believe that and dedicate my life to prove I will never ever do it again. I was saved and found the Lord aftee this and know ill never betray my husband again. Life is woth soooo much moe and its not about me. Its about my amazingly wonderful husband and three priceless and beautiful children

Wish my wife felt that way

Submitted by kc0814 on
Wow, I'm jealous. I'd give anything for my wife to feel as strongly and convicted as you sound here. Putting your feelings into such convincing words must be very reassuring for your family...

Stop trying to fix me up!

Submitted by D2motivate on
The worst advice that I continue to get from people is to start dating. Even thought we are divorcing and we have been separated for 10 months, he asked for a divorce in July. This is WAY to soon for me to start dating. I need time to heal and get used to this new reality.

Worst advice ever for dealing with infidelity contest entry EMS

Submitted by BeckyB. (not verified) on
I was on another AR site it was horrible. I was told pretend for helping return fun sex to pretend to be sneaking around pretend to have an affair with MY husband.YUCK NASTY TRIGGERLAND I SEE NO FUN IN THAT. BeckyB.

What did you expect?

Submitted by Nour (not verified) on
The worst 'response' I ever got after telling someone about my husband's affair was actually from the first (and last) person i chose to tell, a counselor I was actually paying to help me get through this, and after I tell her about our history in the marriage, and then my discovery of my husband's affair, she says: "well what did you expect?? With all the problems you two were having..." I guess it was too much to "expect" my spouse to be faithful. I guess that according to her, I should've seen it coming! Gee thanks. I stopped going to her, and it has been three years, and I havent told anyone else since. Now I've started going to counseling again with someone else, but now there are three more years of added resentment to work through since discovery, which makes it all the more difficult to move forward from this.

Bad Advice

Submitted by B (not verified) on
"Fake it 'til you make it" Isn't that what they always say. We have so many friends in common, and family members that we really don't want to get wind of anything, especially if we want to really heal this marriage with as little aftermath as possible. So, one of my good friends told me to just "keep smiling" "keep your head up", "don't let anyone know how bad it is, otherwise you will have to tell everything, and then there's going to be so many questions" Well, that sucks. 11 years of keeping it to myself and now I have no one to talk to about this, and it's completely exhausting trying to keep up the happy facade while my husband is getting help for the sex-addiction and behavior modification. and I am over here with my heart and soul crumbling into dust, but I just keep smiling, so the kids can keep going, and the family can keep going, and the husband can keep going. Who's going to keep me going? No one has answered that one yet.

Someone To Talk To

Submitted by kc0814 on
You deserve to be heard. Pain that isn't transformed is transferred, and the result can be devastating. Find someone who has a background in infidelity counseling, or sign up for one of the online classes/groups on this sight, and open up to them. You're going to explode with all the pain you're feeling, many of us have been in your exact same shoes or are currently in your position, and have had to hide the infidelity of our partners for a variety of reasons. Reach out and use a resource for healing, you deserve to heal!

bad advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
"Since you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing, it doesn't count. Plus he will never find out." The truth will always come out sober or later. There is really no excuse. Cheating is cheating. You just hope that there can be forgiveness and healing.

After discovering my husbands

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
After discovering my husbands three year affair which took place on his work lunch hour I was told, "Look on the bright side, he goes to work everyday"! That was not the commitment I was hoping he'd keep.

Bad Advice

Submitted by S0801 on
Someone said to me..."You weren't giving him what he needed." Wow! Nothing I did justified his betrayals. Why do people have to find someone to blame?

Bad Advice

Submitted by June (not verified) on

The worst advice I received was from a professional who had "helped thousands of couples"  He said, "Put the affari aside for a while and just work on your marriage.  How could I do that when 1) it was not the first relationship he had outside of our marriage and 2) it had been going on for 6 of the 18 years we had been married.  How can you just put it aside and work on the marriage when you are no longer sure what marriage is and what it looks like?  I could not do it.  I needed to know the truth and my husband was not very forthcoming with the truth.

Best Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

One week after D-Day while dumping on a friend, and wondering if things could possibly be made right again and my marriage relationship reconciled, she offered to pay for a pyschic "reading" with her friend so that I could know exactly how things were going to turn out  - and then I would know exactly what to do. I declined.. 

Bad Advice

Submitted by JTL (not verified) on
My wife suggested that I go have an affair of my own, so that we could "Start over on an even playing field." Sadly, after a year and a half of counseling, I brought it up that she actually said that and she said "Oh, I still wish you would." How would that help anything?

bad advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
The worst advice I got was from our first counselor, about a month before D-day. I suspected something, but wasn't sure what. With both my wife and I sitting on his couch, this "professional licensed counselor" asked me...."Does your wife come home at night? Then you have nothing to complain about". If I didn't have the personal values that I do, I'd love to look him up for a little one on one chat. Needless to say, we left his office and NEVER went back.

Horrible Hypnonsis Advise

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

A friend suggested that we see a Hypnotherapist that could help us "forget" the affair and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it.  Hard to imagine something like this could be forgetable or that anyone could believe that being hypnontized could be the answer. 

We obviously didn't even consider a suggestion like this!

Horrible Hypnosis Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

One of our friends encouraged us to go and see a hypnotist to have her/him remove the affair from our thoughts and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it.  The said this would be a way to start "Fresh"

We obviously did NOT take our "friends" advice!

Someone said that you should

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Someone said that you should just give her divorce papers first that way you can see if she is really serious about ending the marriage.

The Other Women Told Me

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

After 19 years of marriage my husband had an affair with a family friend.  A few months after D day the other woman told me that she had been in my place before with her ex husband and that I would get through it and be fine.  She tried to convince me that she didn't love her current husband and that he didn't love her and that I didn't love my husband and he didn't love me.  She told me to let my marriage go and look forward.  I didn't take her advise and my truely remorseful husband and I are working very hard on rebuilding our marriage.  This is still a very huge emotional journey for both of us.

worst advice

Submitted by SJK (not verified) on
First the worst response my partner received from a close family member after he disclosed his infidelity: "It's ok to have friends." Second the worst thing I heard: "I always thought he was over-sexed." I'm still shaking my head in disbelief...

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
See if the (hookers) have gift cards. Buy one and give it to your husband for his birthday. Then kick his ass to the curb. Although it was tempting, I chose to stay and give him (and us) the option to heal.

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
The worst advice I got was to "just get out of the house and try to meet someone new." Ick! I have enough problems with one man in my life!

Bad Advice

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I had to chuckle, because I have been given as a "gift," bad advice, as we all have, even for no reason at all. However, for this infedility bit, wow! "If you were a better wife, he would have stayed home...Let me show you how to be good in bed, I will teach you how to enjoy sex(not that I didn't enjoy it, it was just said that I didn't)...Put on something sexy and/or nothing at all and meet him at the door, he will never think of or look at another woman...if you were more of a woman, smiled more (keep in mind many who know me call me 'sunshine'), put on perfume and xx-rated after that, he would stay home...you are too much of a mouth---shut up and just smile...get over it you are not the only woman whose husband has gone out on them...stop over reacting....don't be so dramatic it happens to everyone... and my personal fave, You were born to be a slave to this family and now your husband. So keep in mind, you have no dreams, no feelings, no needs, no talents, no desires and your job is to simply lay there for your husband. " And those are the easy ones that I feel comfortable sharing. Hope they are not TMI.