Today I was reminded of a story by Portia Nelson I heard long ago:
by Portia Nelson
Chapter One:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost... I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two:
Our community is used to the threat of tropical weather. Usually, the early notices start with escalated threats that ultimately result in a windy rain storm passing over our area causing very little damage.
In the hours leading up to the arrival of Hurricane Michael it became obvious this storm was going to be different. At 100 miles inland, we were too far north to be part of the normal evacuation plan. Meteorologists began forecasting that the storm would still be holding hurricane strength by the time it reached us. Our home was well within the...
I hate the word. I hate the feeling. I am guessing for most of you reading this, you have more than a vague idea of what this word does to a human being and how it can be one of the most destructive forces on the planet.
Sure, I can sit here and look back on my life and the things that happened before I had a choice in the matter. Reflect on the things that helped shape my heart into a giant bucket of shame....
A good friend of mine, and fellow betrayed husband (yes, we met at an EMS weekend), coined it best when he said, "This isn't highs and lows; it's chutes and ladders." All of us on this journey have experienced the hope generated by progress. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the bottom falls out and in the moment all hope seems lost.
I am now 16 months out from my first D-Day, 9 months from my last, and if there is one word that can describe the spot I seem to circle...
Today in counseling I was stunned by a concept I’ve heard most my life. Similar to the old quilt that covers our bed, I became so familiar with it I no longer saw the depth of beauty in it.
My counselor asked me how I felt I was doing at “feeling my husband’s pain”. He has a way of asking a simple question and patiently waits for me to take as long as I need to respond. Having been a counselor for over 40 years, he sees right through me and my crap most days.
How am I doing with handling my husband’s pain? You mean the pain I created with MY infidelity?
In the silence of that moment I found myself...
"Learn how to be okay when things are not okay."
When I first heard this statement I thought it was dumb and much too simple. It was almost insulting – like trying to treat an intensive care wound with a band aid.
However, ten long months into recovery, this statement has been a foundational thought in getting through many hard days.
...
Hide and seek. This is a game my kids play for hours, even now as teenagers. There is such terror and anxiety in the moments you are waiting but the best part of the whole game is the feeling you get when you are found. I remember when my girls were little and would find great hiding spots. They were so excited they would often yell out, “I’m in here, come find me!” I often wonder why the game was so delightful for them. I’m guessing it had something to do with the smile...
Who is your confidant? Who do you reach out to when you need to talk? Not just for friendly chit-chats about the latest movie or daily frustrations over child care. But who do you pour out your heart to when you're sad, lonely, scared or angry? More importantly, who listens to your deepest fears, heartache and pain over the betrayal you're living with?
Have you found a confidant that you trust, that special someone who is there when you need to cry, mourn, yell or just sit and be held?
Susan was that...
My husband and I have maneuvered the quagmire of recovery for well over three years now. We’ve had some deep lows and amazing highs but overall a slow and steady healing and maturing of our marriage and relationship. During this time I’ve often wondered how two people could have been in the same stale, boring marriage yet made such wildly different decisions. I know others have pondered the same question. There are times when the “why” of a partner’s affair can about drive the betrayed bonkers.
Last May was our three-year anniversary post D-day and as I anticipated, it hardly caused a ripple in my emotions. I knew the day was nearing but we were in a good place and we breezed through it without drama, triggers, or setbacks to our recovery. I believed we were finally through the worst that my husband's betrayal could throw at us. We had made it through the fire and while scarred were at last in a better, stronger, safer place.
Then from out of nowhere and without warning, ambivalence hit me like a punch to the gut. It came as a shock this far into recovery. Ambivalence is normal and part of the...
A man’s self-image is important. The world teaches us that men are supposed to be strong, courageous, wise, and unemotional.
I was a husband, a father, a provider. I was “tough”...
When the world hit me I hit back.
When I was in pain I rubbed dirt in the wound and got back on the field. I didn't have any need for emotions (except anger). I was in control. I was respected and wise.
Or at least I thought I was.
Then D-day hit. I cried for days. I lost 20 lbs in a month, threw up more times than I can remember. I was...
I grew up in a very broken family. My parents divorced when I was around two years old and I never really knew my biological father. My mother was an alcoholic who drank and smoked her life away. We were very poor, I remember a time when the only thing we had in the cupboard was half of a jar of peanut butter. My mother was married before and I have 3 half-brothers from 2 different fathers. I never had a father figure in my life. None of the fathers stuck around. In the toughest times we boys, were passed around to relatives that could take care of us. After high school, I entered the Army. After my...
As I wrote in my previous blog article, “Is He Worth It?” my husband is capable of both enormous deception and immense change. So the other day when he contributed to a trigger I could have sat and fumed about why I put up with his actions. But instead I did something that I’ve been doing for three years post D-day. I acted intentionally. After asking myself for the hundredth time why I put up with him I then answered myself for the hundredth time with my personal recovery mantra:
My husband is worth another chance.
My husband is capable of great change.
I’m stronger than I think, braver than I...
Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story.
My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be...
Eleven days after D-day and moving in with his Affair Partner my husband returned home so we could see if our marriage was worth saving. For a couple of hours that evening we sat together reading old letters and looking at old pictures. The tough conversations would come later but that night while reminiscing about our past we connected in a way we hadn’t in years.
My husband and I met our sophomore year of high school when I was 15 and he was 16. He was the first boy I ever dated. We went our separate ways and dated other people but after graduation, we reconnected freshman year of college and were engaged. Sure I...
Yes? Congratulations!!
Bet you didn’t expect that statement after revealing what felt like your spouse tearing your heart out of your chest and stomping on it, did you?
I remember back to D-Day, the devastation, the uncertainty, and the pain. I remember vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit. I remember the hopelessness. I remember the suicidal thoughts.
I remember the advice and guidance. God told me to forgive. My friends told me to dump the skank and go get laid. My parents told me to protect the children. My pastor told me to pray. My lawyer told me to preserve evidence....
John Gray wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in 1992 and subtitled it “A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationship.” The book highlights the differences between the way men and women respond to stress and stressful situations. With more than 50 million copies sold Gray obviously hit on something at the heart of relationship problems:
Men and women think, react and respond differently.
The truth of that fact was front and center for me on D-day and in the months and years since. I would be screaming in anger and pain while my husband would...
My daughter and I have been watching a series we found on Netflix named Dexter. Dexter is a blood spatter analyst by day and a serial killer by night. His adopted father was a cop and recognized Dexter’s “dark passenger” at an early age. He taught Dexter how not to get caught and to only kill those who deserve to die. So Dexter is a vigilante who only targets other killers, especially serial killers.
The show puts the viewer into the mind of Dexter by letting us hear his thoughts. The conflict between his “good” and “bad” personalities becomes even more contrasted once Dexter marries a woman with two...
My husband’s affair was disclosed to me on a Friday, and on the following Tuesday, we were tucked into a cozy loveseat in the office of a local therapist recommended by our pastor. I was desperate for someone to tell me we could make it through this wasteland my life had become since the nuclear revelation of D-Day. The counselor asked us in a very soothing and pleasant voice why we were in his office that day. My husband informed him that we were having marital difficulties and then confessed to the therapist that he had been having an affair. This gentleman was a kind-hearted soul...
The day my husband’s AP showed up at our house and told me that I needed to know “what kind of man I had married” one of my first thoughts was that our marriage was over. How can a marriage survive this type of destruction? I had always said that if my husband cheated I would leave. Some things are simply unforgivable.
After screaming, crying hysterically, and begging for answers my husband moved out of our home and into hers. That was on a Saturday. On Monday I contacted a lawyer about divorce and filled out paperwork to get temporary custody of our 15 year old daughter. A judge granted my request on...
Today, much to my dismay, I read that timekeepers at the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service will be adding a “leap second” to 2016 (which was already a leap year) on December 31. The article explained that without the addition of an extra second at carefully calculated intervals, atomic clocks become out of sync with solar time. Apparently, this is because the earth’s rotation is not constant, but at times it slows down and speeds up ever so slightly. This may sound like scientific trivia to some people, but to me it feels like adding insult to injury.
2016...
Only a few short days after discovery, I started searching the internet for answers. I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for, I just randomly entered search phrases such as “my husband had an affair” and “how can I survive my husband’s affair”. It still boggles my mind that there are literally millions of internet sites to choose from on the topic! It’s staggering, shocking even and so incredibly sad to realize that adultery is so prevalent. I was haunted by the weight of the numbers. With so many sites to choose from how would I ever get the answers that I was looking for?
Then...
Something occurred at work today that took me back to memories of life just after Dday. I was a basket case for a while. Even after the worst of it I was still very much buried in the weeds of the jungle that is recovery. It was almost impossible to see anything but the weeds. I started making decisions based on being in the weeds. Some days I would decide I was done, only to decide shortly thereafter I was ready to fight, then later that day or the next it would hit the fan and I would decide I was again done and around it would again go. Some days I wanted my wife dead other days I wanted to save her. It felt like I was...
Several times I’ve mentioned in my blog articles that I’m amazed at the positive changes my husband has made since D-day, changes I never thought possible. I’ve made changes as well. Both of our changes have benefited our relationship in constructive ways. But recently he did something that was a huge trigger for me and had me questioning if it was truly possible for him to change so that I could feel completely safe in our marriage.
When my husband was actively sneaking around in his affair he told me that he had made changes to second shift at work and he had to go back and ensure things were running smoothly. Because of the...
Lately I’ve been pondering something my husband said to me on D-day when I begged him for the reason why. Why? Why did you betray me? His answer at the time was that he missed intimacy. How well I remember my reaction! Intimacy? You miss intimacy so you have sex with an erotic massage therapist and then an affair with someone from Craig’s List? That’s intimacy?
Intimacy has many definitions. Before D-day for me it meant being comfortable, warm and familiar with my husband. I regularly shave the back of his neck. I know his favorite foods, his favorite color, his...
In my last blog post I wrote about how betrayal has roots that run deep in my family. My parents and their four children have all experienced being either the betrayed or the unfaithful in our marriages. Some have experienced both.
I mentioned that my brother’s wife has betrayed him multiple times. He had a revenge affair after one of these episodes. My brother places part of the blame for his wife’s infidelity on her chaotic and dysfunctional upbringing. But what’s so incredibly sad about my brother is that he also blames himself for his wife’s actions. She wouldn’t have been compelled to stray if only he had been a better...
For a variety of reasons after D-day I became disconnected with my family. In a way it surprises me. After all, I come from a family of betrayers and betrayed. I have three siblings. Two have been both unfaithful and betrayed and one has been betrayed. I have been betrayed. Four for four. Our parents were both unfaithful and betrayed in multiple marriages. That’s six for six.
My husband, unfaithful, has one brother, unfaithful, and one sister, betrayed. That’s nine for nine. I believe his parents were both faithful (his father died before the age of 40 but his mom appears to have had a solid second marriage. But...
For years leading up to D-day my husband and I were leading separate lives under the same roof. We weren’t angry with each other. We weren’t making threats to divorce or having screaming arguments. We had family supper together every night. We went on family vacations. We talked about politics, family, the latest national news, friends, and a host of other topics. But we never talked about our relationship. We were disconnected emotionally. We lived a life of pretend normal that was externally the model marriage but internally suffocating. Intimacy was gone, not just in the bedroom, in every aspect of our relationship. Looking...
Marriage vows. Promises you make at your wedding ceremony as you commit your life to your mate. You can write your own, heartfelt vows or go the traditional route. On a day full of optimism and hope the marriage vows cement two lives into one. My wedding day was years in the making. I was finally marrying the man I had fallen in love with in high school. We had already been through what I considered at that time the worse that life could throw at us. It had taken us eleven years to reach the marriage altar and promise our lives to each other. We were on the home stretch! Yes, my vows had meaning for me,...
