Affair Recovery

If someone had asked me to describe my life during the latter part of 2009, I would have undoubtedly described it as bad. The first six months following the discovery of my husband Wayne’s secret life was certainly the hardest six months of my life. I remember thinking that the depth of grief I was experiencing went much deeper than I had realized humans were capable of feeling. The sounds I heard coming out of my own mouth were sounds I had only heard a few times before. They were like the heart-wrenching sounds I had heard working in the hospital, like those of a momma as she held her sick child. Though I had witnessed several women’s deep level of grief on such an occasion, I had never felt it myself.

The darkness that surrounded me felt foreign and frightening. I found...

When I first discovered my husband Wayne’s infidelities the first question I asked was “Why?” Why did he do this? Was it something lacking in me? What did they have that I didn’t? Why did he choose them over me? These torturous questions ran through my mind like a CD in the ‘repeat’ mode.

The friend who had been with me when I broke into Wayne’s email and discovered his secret life begged me to call the girl with whom he had been having an emotional affair. She thought that if we talked to his affair partner we would get the real story, or maybe even tell her that he was married and beg her to leave him alone. Had she been the only one with whom he had been unfaithful, I may have been tempted to think that my problem was with her. But during the week that followed my discovery...

Recently Samantha and I were doing some “Vision Casting” in regards to the next season of our marriage and family. It’s been a great two month exercise, but last night we hit a point where we began to talk about our past and how it has shaped our marriage and life, now, almost 8 years later. The question was in regards to joy, pure joy in life as of a result of choices and life changing events and ultimately we came to the question of why people cheat?

I can tell you, I’ve made some choices that have wreaked havoc upon my life and countless others. I regret so many of those choices and their indelible mark on so many. Through much therapy and infidelity specific help, I’ve have come to be able to forgive myself, as well as others that affected my decision making process. But...

Most everyone is familiar with “Survivor,” a reality show where 20 men and women try to “outwit, outlast, and outplay” each other. This is done by physical ability, intelligence, and sometimes by deception and deceit. In other words one of the ways to succeed is to be “evil”.

The latest season ended last Sunday and of the last 3 contestants, one used every “evil” tactic possible to get to the finals. In the final vote the contestants got to choose who they think was best at “outwitting, outlasting and outplaying” the other finalists. The “evil” player was chosen in last place due to his tactics and strategy. The winner was chosen because she was “less evil” than the other finalists. All the jury members had been affected directly by the “evil” tactics and strategy.

In...

Why do spouses cheat? As I said in part one, this question became a big deal for me during the immediate aftermath that followed the discovery of my husband Wayne’s secret life. While it was important for me to realize I had made agreements with false ideas as to why a person cheats, it was also equally important for me to learn the real reasons why this occurs, and ultimately why he had cheated on me.

My “ah-ha” moment came fairly early in counseling when Wayne began to describe his life as it was when he was eleven years old. His parents were emotionally detached from him because they were dealing with the broken pieces of their own relationship after his Mom had caught his Dad with another woman. Wayne was basically sent outside early in the morning and told not to return...

One reason why people cheat is what I like to call “conscience searing”.

Bob and Cindy had great childhoods. They grew up in loving families with strong religious and moral backgrounds; neither got into any serious trouble and both excelled at school. They met each other in college. Bob was a business major and Cindy was interested in History. They grew closer through the college years and before they knew it Bob had popped the question to Cindy at the Cardinals baseball game. A joyful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon followed. They were madly in love and nothing would ever come between them. Things were good in the early years. They were best friends. Their sex life was exciting and satisfying. They had great jobs and great friends.

After a few years they decided it...

A couple of nights ago, David and I were sitting in an ice cream shop enjoying a quiet end to a beautiful evening when I noticed the song playing in the background. It was Johnny Cash singing, “Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” It’s been two and half years since D-day. Still, as I listened to the lyrics there it was again, that nagging question with no good answers. “So, why didn’t you?” I asked for what was probably the ten thousandth time. He didn’t have to ask me what I was talking about. Why didn’t he walk the line and remain faithful to me? And, like ten thousand times before he shook his head sadly and said, “I don’t know. I wish I did.” Whether you’re the betrayer or the hurt spouse, trying to understand why people cheat can be an infinity loop trapping you in an endless...

Jim’s son Bobby just spilled chocolate milk on the carpet. Jim just cleaned the carpets last week. Jim is very upset. He loses his cool and yells and screams at Bobby. Bobby cowers in fear from his dad. Later Jim justifies his actions by saying “I have a temper” “I’m just like that”.

Suzie is scheduled to meet her friends at church at 10:00 am. At 9:55 Suzie is still putting her makeup on. Suzie shows up 10 minutes late. Her friends know Suzie is always late and are starting to get upset about her lack of consideration. Suzie says “I lost track of time” “I’m just like that”.

Bob has been married to Brenda for 11 years. Their sex lives have cooled since the honeymoon period. Brenda doesn’t have...

I think one of the cruelest feelings an already wounded and betrayed heart can experience is shame. Shame has an incredible ability to cripple even the strongest of us. Looking back, I can see how I was very kindly shielded from a large portion of it early on. Starting about two days after I discovered my husband Wayne’s infidelities, several discerning and godly men told me that his actions outside of our marriage had nothing to do with me. I think they actually went out of their way several times during those first few weeks after discovery to reiterate the fact that I had not caused Wayne to ‘act out.’ I am still very grateful to them for standing in the gap for me during that time.

As comforting as it was to have them speak that truth to me, I suspect the biggest canopy of...

It’s on the television, in the movies, in the news, on the internet, in the papers; infidelity is everywhere. Infidelity has always been around, but we live in a time when we have access to more information than ever before. And it seems that many find infidelity entertaining or newsworthy. Of course - I don’t and I am sure that anyone reading this doesn’t either.

Infidelity is horrible and destructive and I wish that the world would just shut up and allow us to work on our recovery without constant reminders, harsh judgments, and really really really bad advice. Let the experts who know what they are talking about give their wisdom and speak the truth (like the people at AR). The last place we will find sound counsel about recovery is in theatres or late night talk shows....

I cannot think of much that will break down communication quicker than losing trust. When I first learned of Wayne’s secret life our conversations got a little ‘strained,’ to put it lightly. One minute I didn’t want to talk to him at all. The next I had a half a dozen questions that I wanted answers to. During the first month or so of our separation he would send me a text at night that would say something like, ‘If you want to talk tonight, call me. Otherwise goodnight.’ I appreciated this because it let me know that he was open to talking, but not being pushy about it. This left me free to talk or not, depending on where I was emotionally.

After we were a couple of months into recovery I began to worry about him relapsing into his old lifestyle. When I would ask him how he...

“Don’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it is not safe. You might get hurt.”

I’m sure many of us can recall this conversation from our childhood. As a mom of two very wild boys I have heard those very words come out of my own mouth many times.

After much persuasion from my oldest son I recently watched daredevil Nik Wallenda walk across Niagara Falls on a 200 foot long tightrope. I have to admit that at the beginning of his walk I was only half way paying attention as I folded clothes on the couch, but the further he went, the more excited I became. Not only did he have the challenge of keeping both feet on a two inch cord, but he also had the added difficulty of swirling winds and mist rising up in such a density that he was unable to see where he was supposed...

Facebook is an American as apple pie and baseball. Everyone has a Facebook account don’t they? Actually I don’t and neither does my wife. We used to have them. It was one of the ways our marriage almost ended.

In 2011 the group Divorce Online researched 5000 divorce filings and found that 1/3 of them mentioned Facebook as a reason. In the Harboring Hope courses I have been involved with here at AR approximately 70 percent of affairs by the women were started by contact on Facebook or other social media sites. One of the ways my wife communicated with her affair partners was through Facebook/Myspace, In fact rarely a day went by without some sleaze ball trying to chat up my wife.

Facebook can be an incredibly useful and entertaining tool for some. For others, especially...

“How many times will I have to answer the same questions about my affair?” This was the thought I had as my wife asked me once again, “Why did you have the affair?”

It had been many months since she had learned of my yearlong affair. Immediately we got into counseling, and within weeks we attended an Emergency Marital Seminar Weekend with Affair Recovery (AR). From the early days of discovery, she asked this question – along with a myriad of others.

At first I was resistant to come completely clean. But after a while, with good coaching from AR, I chose to be as honest as possible. Lying had gotten me into the hell I had created. I figured I would give the truth a chance. And it was a much better way. I am not saying that telling the truth was pain-free. Oh no – there...