Infidelity - It's Everywhere

It’s on the television, in the movies, in the news, on the internet, in the papers; infidelity is everywhere. Infidelity has always been around, but we live in a time when we have access to more information than ever before. And it seems that many find infidelity entertaining or newsworthy. Of course - I don’t and I am sure that anyone reading this doesn’t either.

Infidelity is horrible and destructive and I wish that the world would just shut up and allow us to work on our recovery without constant reminders, harsh judgments, and really really really bad advice. Let the experts who know what they are talking about give their wisdom and speak the truth (like the people at AR). The last place we will find sound counsel about recovery is in theatres or late night talk shows.

Right after my “D-Day” a few years back, Tiger Woods was all over the news about his sexual addiction. And then there was Sandra Bullock and her husband. And The Good Wife had just premiered. It was terrible. We could not go through a day without being hammered by infidelity everywhere. Of course, there were ever-present painful reminders without these, but they just added to our pain (especially my wife’s – since I had been unfaithful).

Since it was clear that the media world around us didn’t care about helping us, we knew we had to do something. We knew we couldn’t totally avoid it, but at least we could try to minimize our exposure. And so we made choices to turn off the television, not watch movies, and not read articles that had infidelity themes.

When infidelity was introduced on a show or news program, we would talk about whether to turn the channel or agree that it would be okay to watch (it was usually okay if it was not a major theme of the show). We took the opportunity talk it out and as a result we have experienced a much greater level of communication than we have ever had before my infidelity. It has also helped us to decrease the confusing pop-culture voices and focus on the healthiest path to recovery.

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I pray for more good people to promote healthy lifestyles....Gods word speaks on how we need to protect our eyes and our mind and our bodies...Be holy as I am holy...

 

my desire is to talk about it and turn off...much more great things to do.............

 

blessings

Talking It Out

You are right - it is so hard to avoid all of the things associated with infidelity.  For me, its also hard to avoid associating all things with infidelity.  I am the betrayed and D-day was almost 8 months ago, yet triggers and signs of infidelity still seem to be in my face daily.  The best my husband can offer when he sees a trigger coming is to tell me to look away, ignore it or he will start to talk about something completely off topic to try to distract me.  I feel like he is just trying to avoid the whole situation so we can pretend like life is good and that we are already healed when inside I am still a complete wreck about his affair.  I do believe he realizes what I am going through - we went to an EMS weekend 3 months ago and for a while he acknowledged the pain and emotional roller coaster I have been on. But now he seems to try to go around the rough moments instead of trying to work through them.

Would you mind sharing the things you would say to your wife when you would choose to talk it out?  What would help comfort her when facing the constant infidelity reminders?  I know each couple is different but maybe something you can share will help my husband and I get past our current communication obstacle.

Thank you

Talking it out

I am so sorry for your pain. I know what my wife has gone through (to some degree), so I have an idea how hard it is for you. I think one of the things that worked for us was for me NOT to pretend it was not there. We had a discussion before we were faced with the trigger and we discussed what she wanted me to do. I don't know why your husband wants to ignore it, but I know why I did. Just to talk about the trigger represented what a terrible thing I had done. It was painful for me to face, it was embarrassing, it was hard to look at who I had been. I would suggest exploring with your husband why he wants to avoid the reality of the triggers. That may prove to be a helpful conversation. I learned with lots of good coaching - the pain does not just go away. So we had to talk. Therefore, when we were faced with a television show, news, or whatever other trigger - I pushed through the discomfort and asked if she wanted to turn the channel (that was what we had agreed on). Sometimes she said yes, sometimes no. I didn't always do it perfectly, and she was very gracious. One of the things my wife had been coached in was to look for "progress - not perfection" that was the goal. Discussing a plan before we encountered the trigger worked for us.

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