Have you been lying to me?

I stared at the email. My head began to throb as my blood pressure soared out of control. I was short of breath. My arms went numb. I don’t know what a heart attack feels like, but it felt like I was having one. My wife had just received an email from my affair partner (AP) telling her what had been going on. My wife then forwarded it on to me with the question above. I thought I had ended things with my AP with the understanding that we would not tell anyone. Obviously, she had other ideas.

My wife was totally blindsided and was devastated. I was devastated. I had let myself believe that I had narrowly missed catastrophe. I had done everything I could to “manage” my situation to insure to keep my life as-I-knew-it intact. And now, the end of my affair appeared like it was going to be the end of my marriage as well. And the end of so much of my life. Things were out of control. Out of my control.

I did confess to the affair, but I didn’t come completely clean. I still wanted to manage things. I was still spinning the truth in my head in an attempt to spin my words. I was starting to be honest, but only on my terms. Things were not getting better. I knew that telling the truth was the “right” thing to do, but it sure didn’t feel good. In fact, things got worse.

My wife was deeply depressed, sad, and angry. She was consumed with nothing but the pain of my betrayal. She spent every waking moment asking God and herself: “Will the pain ever go away?” “Will I ever be happy again?” “Will I ever love him again?” “Will I ever be able to love anyone again?” She told me that she wished I was dead. I told her I wished the same thing.

Even though it was painful (for both me and my wife), I finally decided to start telling the whole truth. I had been counseled that as long as I keep the truth from my wife, I was not giving her the opportunity to choose to love me unconditionally. I was told – tell the truth about yourself – and then she gets to choose. Stop trying to manage and control.

And so I did. I told the truth about the affair. I told the truth about my fears. I told the truth about my insecurities. I told the truth about what was going on in my head and my heart – things I had never told anyone. Even myself. It wasn’t easy at first. I was tearing down an image I had created over years.

Life was out of control and the best thing I could do was to acknowledge that fact, speak the truth and trust God to sort it all out. My efforts had only led to destruction. I figured it was time to trust God.

The more I speak the truth, the more I see God work in my life. He is changing me. I am still faced with the reality that I am a one-man self-centered real-life wrecking crew. But I am now trusting God to change me. And he is.

The amazing thing is that my wife now trusts me more than she ever did before. That didn’t happen overnight. I had lied for so long, it took time to rebuild trust. I had to become trustworthy. And God is healing our relationship in ways we never thought possible.

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Exact same thing that

Exact same thing that happened to me when the affair was exposed by my husband's AP. my husband ended it but the AP didn't want to end just yet, so to get him pissed, she texted me and so on... It's only been 2months since it happened and I'm still devastated and lost and in the pit of misery. Although my husband was briefly remorseful, he just wanted me to just get over it and move on...I tried, but he won't help me rebuild my trust in him. i am left here in pain. I asked God each and everyday to give me the grace of strength and mercy to endure and just move on, just like what everybody thinks so.

I Relate

Hi Anonymous, I can empathize with your pain of having a husband who is not remorseful and expects you to get over it. It has been 13 months since dday, and he just can't give me any empathy whatsoever, whether I get angry or cry... He is cold. He loves it, of course, when things are great and I am giving him everything he wants, since I was always to blame for our "former marriage"problems, pre-affair. There have been days where we are doing well, but since he has been out of town for 2 months due to training for his new job, it has been challenging for me to heal on my own. I know with God's help and the support of those in my Harboring Hope course, I have been healing. I would like my husband to be a part of that, since he is the one I am married to. Reconciliation is hard, to say the least. Just a few gentle loving words would make a big difference while he is out of town. Just a simple sorry would make a huge difference. Just putting my needs ahead of his for once would be joyous. I need to pray more for God to soften my husband's heart and to teach him humility. I need to pray for God to restore me to wholeness and guide my thoughts. God is good. We do our best and God does the rest! Bless you!

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