Reconnection, Part 2

During my healing process that followed the discovery of my husband’s betrayal, there were several things that he did to help make me feel safer in my relationship with him. I shared these things in part one. Today, I want to share the changes that took place in my own heart that allowed me to reopen it to him.

The main thing that stands out in my mind when I look back on that time is where I chose to put my focus. During the eight years of our marriage before discovery, I assumed that nothing hurtful would ever occur in our relationship simply because in my mind ‘Wayne would never do anything to hurt me.’ So what did I have to worry about? I trusted him.

After I found evidence of his betrayal I was not only deeply hurt by his actions, but also had lost all trust in him. I knew that if he hurt me once, he was capable of hurting me again. This left me in a hard situation. I still loved him, but I had no idea how to live life with him now that I knew what he was capable of. This is where the importance of his attitude and actions towards me was so important. While I knew he was capable of hurting me again, I also sensed that his heart was soft to me and that he was actively working to protect me at that time.

Knowing this freed me to begin a new way of thinking. I still do not trust my husband. But I am free to love him and enjoy life with him because I trust God. The same One who protected me through the hurt and healed me after it is able to do it again. Please understand, dear readers, that I am not suggesting that I would stay in an actively unsafe situation. If I ever sense that Wayne’s heart has become hard again by living a secret life, I will have to guard my heart by walking away from an unsafe situation. But as long as he is actively fighting to guard his heart and protect mine, I can stay reconnected with him.

What has changed in me that has allowed me to reconnect with the one who has hurt me so deeply? My focus and the One in whom I place my trust.

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Trust

Do you think that you will ever be able to say "I trust him"?  If trust cannot be restored, then as Rick says honesty will have to do. How would you define trust at this time?

trust

Trust is a very big thing for me. I suspect it is more important to me now than it was before I discovered how it had been broken in our marriage. You ask how I would define trust... I would say that it is confidently knowing that I have security in another, because they are who they say they are, and they will do everything they say they will do. Wayne loves me, but being an imperfect human he is capable of hurting me, so I have learned to put my trust in Jesus, the lover of my soul, because He really is the only one I am able to have complete security and trust in. Putting my trust in Him is what makes it possible to trade trusting my husband for his honesty. And, oddly enough, hearing his honesty about his struggles helps me to live in peace, because it shows me he hasn't given up on the fight for our marriage. I suppose there is a certain amount of trust that developes out of honesty, even when the truth may be hard to hear.

this is a big one

I feel like I will never be able to trust my husband.  I hate seeing him on Facebook, or the internet in general.  Unlike your husband, my husband seems to be stuck.  The more I question, and ask about how we are doing, what kind of a future we have - it ends up somehow back with the affair that he had.  It was a long affair with an ex girlfriend - the most significant relationship he had before marrying ME.  She WAS a big part of his life once, and now I have to get her out of our relationship again.  He may have stopped the affair, and stopped all contact -- but her presence remains.  I have no security.  I have no husband to tell me I'm the one he wants, I'm the one who wants to be with.  I am anxious all the time, worried that someone else will be the next affair partner.  He recently started talking to a female neighbour - who happens to be single - one afternoon I came home from work, and they were having drinks.  I was told I was being dramatic when I explained how it made me feel.  I don't trust him.  I don't believe his presence in my life is genuine anymore.  I thought initially he wanted to make it work.  Now he seems to be going backwaqrds -- downgrading the value of the affair "it was really more of a friendship".    I don't know what to think.  He's not putting anything into me, my hurt, my pain -- he's still selfish.  I trust God has a plan... and maybe I need to put more Trust in HIM, then in my husband and start making plans to end this farce of a marraige that he doesn't really want anyway.

 

reply : This is A Big One- to Carrie

Your story is my story. My husband had an affair with his ex-girlfriend, they were reconnected via Facebook. We both no longer have facebook Accounts. It almost ruined us, our marriage. But the difference in my story is. my husband stopped all his connections with her. She does not exist anymore. My husband is remorseful for what he had done to me, it took a long time for me  to trust him again,  it was not easy it was all worth it though to try as hard as you can to put the pieces together. and I tell you there is HOPE ! I was almost on the verge of getting a divorce when I found out he was still carrying an affair even after I discovered it and promised to end it. I believed him of course, i found out about it when he withdrew some money from the bank closed to her house. Little did he know that I researched on her address and her e-mail.I was heartbroken he hurt me twice. I hit rock bottom, I did not know what to do but Pray and Pray.....

I prayed so hard that God will reveal to me if he was being honest. D-day 2nd time when I found out I called the affair partner, when he found out it opened his heart he knew I would not give up our 25 years of marriage just for this woman and it was all worth a try, , he is back with me and our love is stronger than ever before. It was a very difficult journey we worked hard to restore this beautiful marriage and am glad and rejoicing to  God for directing me to the right path.It took a lot of prayers,crying and constantly asking God what He wanted me to do. I trusted Him. Keep praying I still do pray that every moment is a Gift from Him.We both done the works, we had read articles and shared all our thoughts and feelings, whether good or bad.

Keep trusting Him ....YOu will overcome !

M.

denial

Your husband is is denial - and I don't mean the river.  He hasn't faced himself, his behaviors, or the consequences of his choices.  Until he does that and is determined to live a life based on healthy values, he will not go forward but backward.  Set your boundaries.  Type up a list and give him a copy.   Based on his past behavior, you have every right to set rules with consequences to protect your own values, not to punish him.  This includes not having drinks with the neighbor. If he choses to ignore or argue about your rules, then you know that he is not facing himself.  It's up to you to decide to stay in this relationship or go based on on your values  - honor yourself and the vision you have for the life you want.

reply :

Thanks Dana,

Thanks for sharing your story and your perspective on trust. I feel the same way about it. I keep looking up to my Savior and trusting in Him that He will continue to heal me as I struggle sometimes to the many triggers and memories of betrayals. My husband even now he is working out of town,  i can honestly trust him that he will be truthful and I know he will never hurt me anymore. We have gone through a difficult journey and both of us had matured so much in our relationship. We are stronger and better than ever before the affair. Our love is sweeter and our faith to one another has blossomed since the affair. Affair was a lesson learned to both of us never again to take for granted of each other. When we're together every moment is a gift from God who helped me healed my broken heart and my broken soul. M.

How do you know?

Other than by blind faith, how do you know he's not secretly harboring and hiding other motives and desires? Or maybe he does love you, feels horrible for what he's done, but has the urge to do it again or go back to her? If his self worth was so poor before that he chose to cheat...what makes this time any different? Now he's just a cliche and stereotype who probably hates himself even more. My cheating spouse seems to love me and care so much for me now but honestly, other than her sadness, she doesnt act much differently than she did before discovery. Is she faking now? I too thought she would never hurt me. But she did. Viciously and callously. She's trying to make amends, but why should I not think she's going to do it again?

knowing

Thank you for your questions. You ask how I know he is not secretly hiding old desires... He is not hiding them. When I ask him how his heart is doing he answers me honestly by telling me that he still struggles with some of the same temptations that he had before. His struggle hasn't changed. What has changed is his ability to be transparent in this battle.

Reconnection

I have to battle against discouragement as I wait for my spouse to reconnect with me.

Hello dearest friend I have

Hello dearest friend I have been anxious to speak to someone concerning my husband EA. I ws terribly heart broken when I did find out and I happened to read his txts to this women and her back to him it was very intimate and loving everything I wanted my husband to be with me. She had the best of my husband and all I had was self centred uncaring man. I was furious and to this day he is ignoring the issue all together he still claims I am the women of his heart and that no women has nothing on me. I feel he is just saying that to shut me up its so hard to deal with this hurt alone I dont know whether my husband wants me or not when ever I do bring it up because I need closure he gets all defensive and when I cry he dosent comfort me he just ignores me I dont understand why he dosent see my hurt my pain my broken heart??? I have been praying for myself for my husband and for our relationship it is hard some day I'll be fine and today I'll just break down and cry my heart out. Right now I am building my faith in God again I am working on my self esteem and making me better Godcreated for me to be all that I am and all that I can be. You are right God will neva betray you he will never leave you rendered and broken hearted. please pray for me and for my husband

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