To the Hearts Left to Heal Alone

About two years into our marriage Wayne’s papa passed away. I will never forget going to his memorial service. After parking near the cemetery, we met his mom and grandma at their car and walked the rest of the way to the grave site with them. I remember the surprise I felt to see his grandma there since his papa had divorced her about 50 years before he had died. As we got closer to the tent where everyone was gathering, she began to get visibly uncomfortable. When we finally reached the small crowd she quietly announced that she wanted to stand in the back and urged the rest of us to sit in the seats that had been reserved for family to sit in. I had only met his papa once, but had spent quite a bit of time with his grandma, so I felt drawn to stay with her rather than follow Wayne to the chairs. As I wrapped my arm around her shoulders she began to share with me why she had chosen to attend his memorial service. In a rare moment of vulnerability her sweet eyes filled with tears as she quietly told me that while she had never gotten over the fact that he had left her for a younger woman, she had never stopped loving him, and that she thought about him every day.

For whatever reason, the look on her face as she confessed her heart to me has been in my mind lately. As I think about the all the years she has hidden and ignored and quietly endured this pain alone my heart breaks for her. She was never given the chance to work toward reconnection because her husband simply chose to walk away. It occurs to me that while some of us believe the lie that we would heal more quickly without our spouse, she seemed to believe a lie that said she couldn’t heal without him. How tragic.

If you find yourself betrayed and abandoned, I want to say how sorry I am that you have been left to heal alone. Having experienced healing of my wounded heart as well as reconnection with my husband, I wish that all wounded hearts could experience both as well. But if you have not been given the choice of reconnecting, don’t despair. Healing can be found regardless of whether your spouse is willing to walk that road with you or not. Harboring Hope is a good place to start. Please don’t settle for life as a walking wounded soul. Live with no regrets. Choose healing.

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To the hearts left to heal alone

Thank You! Healing is so hard..but I can not imagine doing it all alone...I pray the grandma had the comfort of God in her life , at least

amazing

Wow. Your words have such healing power. My prayers for all the wounded hearts who haven't made it to a place of peace with their hurt.

walking wounded

I pray too for those who are alone in their healing. If I didn't have the support of family, really close friends, and my church family I'm not sure I would be where I am today. And there's down days like today where it feels like it's never going to get better. I have realized in the last few weeks that I have a controlling behavior. I realize that what may or may not have led to the affair was my controlling ways. We need to have dinner now, paint the bedroom this colour, I don't like you reading that website, don't look at pretty girls....I'm trying so hard to work on myself. But it's so hard to work on yourself, and continue the healing process. Just when you think you've turned a corner, you're at the bottom of the mountain again. It feels like it's never going to get better. My husband has a picture as his facebook cover with pretty girls and I immediatley felt like he was cheating again. Even though it's just a picture. The girls weren't even naked. But how can a man who has put me through so much pain, not care that a picture bothers me? How can he still want to add someone to his facebook who seemed to be openly flirting with him at our own house when I was at work. As the person who was cheated on, it seems I have had to be understanding with him, and his feelings. I have tried to be patient, given him space when I really just wanted him to wrap his arms around me. I hold back when I want to push for more. And I don't even get the respect from him to take a picture down. No pictures of me on his facebook. He doesn't even have me as his friend. I can't see who his friends are, or what he likes. I feel like what he was doing when he was having the affair is what he continues to do. He knows how I feel because we've talked about it. He blows me off like my feelings don't matter. I don't want to be controlling, I just want him to realize that his actions can hurt. I still haven't recovered from the hurt his affair caused - not completely. Do we sometimes sabotage the relationship because we are afriad of it working? I think I am so terrified of it happening again, I am constantly looking for things he may be doing that will hurt me. I don't want to feel like that again. I lost my mom, brother and sister when I was 18 - and it took me forever to realize someone in my life wasn't going to leave. And when I got to that safe place in my marriage -- my husband cheated. And he's not doing enough in my mind to make me feel safe and secure. I'm living afraid, and I'm so tired of leaving with waiting. Waiting to see if he does stay, waiting to see if he leaves. I don't think I will ever ever ever trust him completely with my heart again. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's how it feels. Don't cheat on your spouse. It's like Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings men, and all the kings horses couldn't put humpty back together again. Doesn't matter how many strong people around you. You can have an army -- but I don't think you're ever completely put back together. I wish there was a way to just erase the hurt. Just wipe it from memory. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so hopeless.

You Need Transparency

My heart aches for you. It is 20 months past D-Day of my husband's affair. It's only working because of the hard work and transparency he is putting into it. He is an open book. I'm not sure how long it has been for you, but a couple of things come to mind: First of all, it sounds like you are blaming yourself for your husband's decision to cheat. It is in no way your fault. If he felt your behavior was controlling, then he needed to address it with the assistance of a counselor if necessary. Cheating on you was never ok, regardless of other problems. You have enough to deal with without blaming yourself. Secondly, it is in no way ok for him to keep you from his Facebook account, or anything else anymore. You need to rebuild trust, and he should be doing everything possible to prove he can be trusted. Pretty pictures on his Facebook? Is he trying to trigger you? Unacceptable. Please get into couples' counseling and/or use the AR resources. My husband had ignored my needs and feelings for so long that I wanted a divorce before he had the affair. Much to my surprise, he was so remorseful and so wanting to stay in our marriage afterwards, that he now has turned things around for us. He had to prove himself to me, not the other way around. Your husband should do the same. The problems of the marriage are a shared responsibility. His choice to cheat is not. I wish you tremendous luck in healing and deciding where to go from here.

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