Why Spouses Cheat

‘Why do spouses cheat’ is not a question that I spent much, if any, time considering before I discovered that I had been betrayed. If the question happened to randomly float through my mind, I assumed the reasons were some of those that I had heard others come up with over the years. I had heard that one of the reasons is due to ‘falling out of love’ with one’s spouse and ‘into love’ with someone else. I had also heard that it happened after the couple had grown apart, or that it was due to a lack of needs being met. Another commonly accepted reason I had heard was that spouses cheat simply because they are bad, so they selfishly choose to make decisions based only on what is best for themselves.

‘Why do spouses cheat’ may not have been a common topic in my thought life, but the subconscious agreements that I had made with other people’s conclusions as to why they cheat created a poor environment for my heart to first understand the situation that I found myself in, and then to heal after my new reality had sunk in. During the process of sorting through the question of why Wayne had betrayed me, I discovered that the easiest lies to agree with are those which have an element of truth in them. Today, I am going to try to explain how this looked for me.

Why Spouses Cheat Lie #1 - Because they fall out of love with their spouse - While there may be an element of truth to this, my previous agreement with this thought became quite a roadblock for me during the early part of my journey toward healing. I remember shortly after I confronted Wayne with my discovery, he told me that he loved me. His words felt like a slap in the face. After all, how could he love me and treat me so terribly? I remember thinking that if he had somehow convinced himself that he loved me, he clearly must not understand love at all, because his actions toward me had not been loving. It took several months for me to be able to accept the truth that his love for me had nothing to do with his acting out. Please understand, I am not saying that his acting out was loving, or somehow OK. I am simply saying that his heart and mind was not in a healthy place at that point, so he did not logically think out the consequences of his actions as to how they would affect himself or anyone who he loved. Because of his compartmental thinking he lived a double life in his heart and his head.

Why Spouses Cheat Lie #2 - Because they have grown apart, due to unmet needs - Agreement with this thought also became a stumbling block on my road to recovery due to the inferred blame and shame that I felt when I came up against it. I felt guilt for not being enough, or maybe even being too much for him. It wasn’t until I learned the true reason for his acting out that I was able to shove this boulder out of my way.

Why Spouses Cheat Lie #3 - Because they are just inherently bad - Once again, a previous agreement that I had made with this idea set me up for greater difficulty on my healing journey. ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’ was a phrase I had said many times in my past. The biggest problem that this particular agreement created showed up during the reconnection phase of our journey. Believing he was bad and that he could never change made him feel unsafe. Had I not seen such a significant heart-change in him, I may not have ever learned that while his actions were bad, he was not.

So why do spouses cheat? Today I have giving you three of the false reasons that I had heard and agreed with. In my next post I will share what I eventually learned was the real reason my husband cheated on me. Until then I’d like to invite you to share your thoughts with me. What are some of the reasons that you have heard spouses cheat? Have you made agreements with false ideas that are making your healing journey more difficult? Have you been able to break those agreements, and instead agree with truth? Let me know, I would love to hear your story.

Add New Comment:

Comments

Why spouses cheat

I can totally relate to the once a cheater always a cheater phrase. I have always thought that myself, ofcourse until I was betrayed and faced with this myself. I recently had a talk with my brother about the affair(since my mother shared without my permission with him) and he made that comment. This is very hard because I used to believe this before the affair, but now that I understand what has lead to the affair and have seen the big changes in my husband I believe people can change. I think the hardest thing is not allowing myself to get into that fear mode when someone makes that comment. Because my mind keeps saying maybe they r right.... This is something is struggle with often, have any advice for how to respond when you hear this from people that say that to you? I try and explain what we have learned, but then I just feel like they think I'm making excuses for him.....

explaining

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Explaining reasons for staying can be tricky because it often involves re-educating people who are emotionally involved. Due to their love and loyalty to us as the hurt spouse, their first instinct is to want us to be protected from further pain. It was never an easy conversation for me due to the high level of emotional involvement that my friends and family had on top of the fact that I was still wounded and vulnerable. The best thing I could do for my heart in this conversation is to purpose from the beginning to keep my security in God, and in knowing that He had giving me His blessing to stay, rather than in gaining other's approval. I'm sure there were many times that people thought I was just making excuses for him, but that was OK. It was a time of growth for all of us.

Why I Believe my Spouse Cheated

First of all I'd like to say that I have been married for 23 years and up until 2009 thought that I had married my Soul Mate and divorce -infidelity was something I would never have to deal with.  We are middle age and a very Good Looking Couple, people have always been jealous of what we shared....Over the last 12 years I was the Main Provider and worked very hard, devoted myself to family & job....to the point I became exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically...We were always the life of the party...in 2007 I grew past that and didn't care to "drink" and entertain as we had for years..my husband lost his "drinking buddy" and I was no longer fun....He was a Union Man for 15 years and decided he didn't want that anymore...during his time off, which we recently discussed he quit his job 5 times in the last 12 years...I never missed a days pay in 12 years with (1) actual vacation..I used my PTO for our girls Dr Appts, taking Cheerleaders out of state etc....part of where my exhaustion came in...so my husband flies to Ft Lauderdale to assist a friend with a "new purchase of a commercial building"....what really was up was the friend was alone and needed someone to hangout with and didn't want to drive back to NC alone..so they had a LARGE time in FL before heading to NC....being  that my husband is a great looking guy women have always come onto him even in my precences for years, it seems women no longer have any morals....long story short he has sex with a woman that was jogging nude in the early morning hours..he had been seeing all week...so when he flies home 10 days later from NC ...he's a little wierd and tells me about what he saw....aabout 3 months later it is eating his lunch and apparently he thinks a mutual friend of ours has told me about his (1) night stand with the nude jogger... so he tellls me tht he was setting his friend up because he think I am having an affair with our mutual friend and expected our friend to tell me which he didn't because he didn't want in that...By the way, that friend is just like a brother to me...to be accused was stupid....and my husband later admits he knows that we didn't have an affair...but when my husband tells me the story because he is eatin up with guilt it was the truth, then he tries to throw a cover story in there and lay it on our friend but it didn't come out like he thought it would...didn't make sense...He messed up the ending....That was the first...the next year I resigned from the big job extremely exhausted at this point we were taking a risk moving to NC to open  a Solar Co husband was back and forth for 6 months I was to leave here with our youngest and the house was on the market..invested everything that we had....IRS came in on our partner and we lost everything...husband thought no big deal...I had a nervous breakdown...Thank You Obama...my house Ive paid for would have been paid for in 2014 and we were in foreclosure...I manage to save the house and get a small job making 1/3 of what I used to and he didn't get why I was upset so we seperate Im thinking it want take long for him to figure out what all that I do which was everything...* days after he left he began an affair the OW had dated that friend I spoke of above and I had met several times she even stayed at our home one night...comes by and my husband happened to be cutting the grass, tells her he doesn't live here anymore we were divorcing...she spouts Can I have your Number..He meets her an hour later and they ride around for several hours and it was on....It lasted 21 days before I accidently noticed on the phone bill a 77 min conversation on his line which he never talked to anyone like that....my heart sunk, I pulled down the calls and texts in excel and sorted...over 400 texts and 350 plus phone minutes in 21 days...It reads just like a book....and of course he has lied from the very beginning, still hanging onto it for dear life..Secrets keep you sick..He was out of the home maye 30 days total...swear he never touched her, kissed her went anywhere with her...Lies, Lies and more Lies.....Just Friends...I ask him if he had sex with all of his friends....Our girls are 25, 20 and 17 we have all lost respect for him, he has no dignity and wants it all to go away and me to just forget about it...It changed me forever..we have gone from riches to rags, I have never been depressed in my life but spent the entire Winter in bed.....I refuse to clean his mess up..He told me everything I wanted to hear to shut me up and Thank God for sites like yours because that is how I knew that I wasn't crazy and I am healing and he's chosen to hand onto that "Secret" ...I need more at 49, we used to have awesome Sex...he can hardley preform now, it emotional....for him knowing what he did and want admit anything...Of course I found out all I needed to I am just a few hours away from graduating as a Private Investigator....One thing I know I've grown so much Spiritually, and I have given him all that I can....I am taking care of myself and if his feelings get hurt because it isn't about him today...That's OK...It is such a shame....I have been thru and enormous amount of pain, just to accept that our marriage is over...He doesn't think so or want that although I can't live with the OW anymore...Just admit your part and take responsibility..I know what you did its in black and white..I know him better than he does himself..and those lies are the real bitch...You don't have to remember the truth because you don't forget it...He's told so many that at one point it made me sick to look at him.....Big mistake if your going to have an affair and get caught... Im still angry at times and I know that is part of the healing process...It's all a Process I was so upset when the 1 year came around and it bothered me so bad...It made me angry at myself..because I thought I had moved past that...then I read somewhere on your site that is normal...so I am healing today and putting myself 1st...But will not clean up this financial mess that he has made....and know the pain of being apart...and know that it hurts but it want kill me..at one point during this processes I told him Loving You has almost killed me...and I meant that...he messed with my mind as I was so vulnerable had me believeing that I didn't see the black and white.....I made it and want all women to know that I believe we are living in the last days...I stated women now days have no morals and will try to pickup your husband when you leave the table at a restraunt to go to the powder room..it just happened a couple of weeks ago....The bible states in the last days Men will become lovers of themselves.....There is no Pride today in Family...My father-We his children and my mother was the most important thing to him....Those guys are few and far between..

God Bless!

 

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer