Broken Promises, Broken Dreams - Part 2

“Broken” almost seems too small a word to use when describing how I felt when I discovered my husband’s infidelities. Like being in a five-car pile-up on a major highway and later telling a friend that my severely wounded body was simply bruised. It felt like I had been hit by an emotional Mac-truck and was internally hemorrhaging. And understandably so. With the click of a mouse and the stroke of a few keys I had come face to face with a reality that even my worst nightmares never managed to conjure up.

In the same way that a person’s body can go into shock when they are severely wounded, sparing them from an intense amount of pain, I too went into emotional shock. Parts of what I saw on that screen my mind rejected as not possible. The room literally went black and began to spin around me. I had to hang onto the desk and the walls so I could make it across the room to close the door, shutting it against anyone who might wander in and catch me in my shame.

You see, it wasn’t “just” a betrayal as one who has never experienced such a wound might think. It was the sudden death of my childhood dream to be my husband’s one-and-only. The dream of being looked at by him the way I had watched my Dad look at my Mom when I was a little girl. The dream of being wanted and desired and pursued. The enemy was quick to step in during my moments of greatest pain with lies such as, “You are not desirable. You are not loved. It has all been a big charade. Your heart was never really pursued.” And because those lies felt true to my wounded heart I believed them.

Had I been left to my own devices this could have easily been the end of my story. The emotional wounds I received from my husband’s actions, combined with the lies my heart heard so soon after discovery could have bled my poor little heart dry till it became a bitter and hard shadow of the life it once held. But thankfully, that is not the end of my story. Unseen forces battled hard against the enemy of my heart. Many people stepped into our lives and provided the emotional and spiritual life support our hemorrhaging hearts so desperately needed. A dear friend gave me the phone number for Rick Reynolds and the Affair Recovery team. My husband and I eventually did one of the EMS weekend intensives that they provide. It was there that we found hope and began the healing process. The process was not an easy one. In a lot of ways it was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it has also been the most rewarding. Well worth every single challenge and every single tear.

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It's good to know that I am not alone

Dana said it so well. Perhaps it's a feeling only women who were betrayed can feel. I cry and mourne over the loss of being truly the one and only throughout in my marriage in my husbands arms, heart and head. I cry over the fact that after me he shared intimacy, he flirted with another woman. That he allowed another woman to share his life in the most intimate way while making me believe that I will always be his one and only. It crushes me to imagine him in his romantic best and sexting with another woman. To think that he craved the attentions and body of someone else other than mine. That unique place that was just for the two of us that made me special had being invaded and forever polluted by a stranger who cared less for him or the family that she is helping to destroy. Broken promises to never ever cheat, to make me and our home safe, to always be there for me, to love cherish in good health or not, in riches or not till death do us apart! The broken trust and disrespect, everything. Oh, the pain, excruciating and continuous. The shame, humiliation and loss of self esteem. Well! He told me I am the best thing that has happened to him and he would do anything to make up for messing up so badly. Till date, he cries that that there was no reason for it and can't figure out why it happened, 18 months of shame and it was nothing with someone he does not have feelings for? Destroyed my dreams for nothing? I will get my dreams back, my happiness and make something good out of this. I can't forget but I will be happy and we will make a success of this somehow. I take my vows seriously and I depend on his divine grace to make it happen. Thanks affair recovery!

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