Rewriting History

Do you ever find yourself rewriting history? I know I did. I remember during the early stages of healing after discovery I spent a lot of time doing just that. I began looking back over our married life and second guessing what was ‘really’ going on. I remembered a few times when Wayne had come home later than expected. At the time I had thought that he had been in a wreck or some such equally tragic scenario, only to find him breezing in the front door, wondering why I was so frantic. He would tell me where he had been, and tell me not to be such a drama queen. I would feel a little silly, then we would go on with our day. As many of these moments came back to my mind I began to suspect that I had not been a drama queen at all, and that while he had indeed not been in a car wreck during those moments of panic, he had been busily wrecking our marriage.

I will never know if my suspicions are true regarding those specific moments or not because his memory is very cloudy regarding specific details on how the timeline of his secret life lined up with our life together. This left me in a difficult situation because of my very active imagination. Given the amount that he remembered and was able to tell me, along with my memory of our life together, I was able to come up with all kinds of nightmarish conclusions about our past. Not only did I come up with possible scenarios (which felt like absolute truth rather than possibilities), I also had a new view on what his intentions had been towards me throughout our life together. Suddenly even my happy memories became targets to be rewritten into sad ones as I imagined what he was really thinking or feeling in them. I wondered if he ever really loved me, or if it had all been an act. I wondered if he had ever been happy as I had been.

I found that a certain amount of history rewriting is necessary. Certainly there was a reality that I had not been aware of. I needed to be aware of that truth, and come to a place where I could accept that it was a part of our history. Acceptance wasn’t just something that I did in my mind because I needed to; it was a truth that my heart had to accept as well. Accepting the truth of our past was a process that took a while for my heart to fully walk through. By the time my heart finally reached a place of acceptance, my mind had formed a habit of rewriting history in a negative light. The Liar offered me many lies regarding all of my memories with Wayne. Because I had just been forced to accept a new reality it was difficult for me to discern the difference between what was true about our past and what wasn’t, so I had to learn a new way to rewrite it. I began to ask the Voice of Truth what was really going on in my memories. Sometimes what I was told was difficult to hear, but it was rarely as horrible as my imaginative mind had come up with. The sweet thing about the Voice of Truth is that when He has to give painful information He always sends His comfort to heal the hurt that His words may bring. I found that the safest way to rewrite history is through the filter of His Voice, because only in it will I find truth and comfort.

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Rewriting History

Thank you for this insightful post.  I hope it helps me.  But, I have another problem.  My husband refuses to acknowledge the damage done.  By that, I mean, his memories of what things were like before the affair don't match mine.  He wants to pretend that the affair didn't change anything, like our love llife, for instance.

 

Joanna

my husband tends to go back

my husband tends to go back and forth.....one minute saying stuff like "did you tell so and so I was banging my ex-girlfriend all last year", the next saying it was never about the sex, in fact there was very little - really not at all. They went away for weekends together, seriously? can you have an affair with no sex?

Re-writing history

When your husband was having an affair he was rewriting your history as a couple. In order to carry on an affair a person needs to convince themselves they are doing an OK thing. So they start telling themselves lies such as; my wife doesn't need me, we haven't had sex for years, I've been unhappy for a long time, and so on. They are simply justifications to pursue the affair. Generally these things are untrue and they haven't bothered to consult you about them anyway. It took three years for my husband to acknowledge the shame he felt about the way he treated me. Initially I got "Sorry I hurt you" but that was merely a superficial way of trying to placate me. He expressed regret for the hurt but no remorse for what he had done. It has taken a long time to get this far but we are working through it. He finds it difficult to talk about, and that's frustrating for me. I would much rather be hurt by the truth and deal with it than be hurt by more lies. Be aware that playing mind games is one way to keep you off balance. It's all about power and control so he has the upper hand. Do some reading about emotional abuse because that's what an affair is.

questions

Dana, I appreciate every one of your blogs and your open-ness. But I'm hoping you can help me with something. It's been just a year since D-Day. And right now, things are going better than ever. My husband is starting to be attentive and loving towards me again after he cheated. I can go weeks without being upset or crying. But since the one year mark, and looking at how well things are going -- I'm almost starting to feel the opposite. Did you feel like this? It feels like the happier we are, the angrier I feel. I lalmost want to lash out, scream and shout and say "wait a minute!!! This isn't ok!!! You aren't forgiven. This isn't over.....you can't be nice and cozy with me like nothing never happened......" I don't wear my wedding rings anymore since discovery. They were part of a life that doesn't exist anymore. But as I stared at my engagement ring, all pretty and perfect on my dresser today, I broke down and started crying. Yelling into thin air at my husband. Calling him names out loud -- he was at work. But it's like -- I'm angry that things are going well, and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been working to the point where it wouldn't hurt everyday, where my husband showed me love again, did nice things for me again -- but now I seem to resent it almost. Advice????????

i have so much pain when I

i have so much pain when I look back through scrapbooks. We look happy in pictures,but was it all a lie. Four years lost! Do I have to forget about all the trips? Can a person be having an affair and still be enjoying time with his family? I cry when I look at pictures. Which are real? Are they all fake? Will tis pain end?

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