It's a question the betrayed partner finds themselves asking time and time again: Is my unfaithful partner repairable? What betrayed partner wouldn't ask this question? While every situation is different, the answer can be crucial to the hope of the betrayed and the self-esteem of the unfaithful. Today you'll hear Samuel share pointed but compassionate markers on how to tell if the unfaithful partner is repairable or not. Rest assured, for...
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How does one "create space" for healing? How can I create an opportunity for change in my own life, let alone in my spouse's life? Well, you didn't ask, but I'm sure it's a question you would ask if we were to sit and have coffee together.
If someone steps on my foot, depending...
Shortly after our D-Day, Gary and Debbie, another couple who were decades into their recovery told us, "You are going to start to see things that other people don't see. You are going to start living at a new level and notice things in other people around you that you never saw before." I remember thinking, "Hmm... I wonder what they mean by that?" I would soon find out.
I...
Determining when the unfaithful partner is safe in recovery work can be confusing, daunting and just plain overwhelming. The good news is, there are metrics one can use to determine if the unfaithful party is serious about their individual recovery work as well as their primary relationship. The affair recovery process is not only possible but essential if a couple is going to overcome infidelity or addiction. The...
It seems to me that much is written about managing anger, but not as much about the roots of our anger. If there is a universal emotion that we see as therapists when infidelity has been exposed, it's definitely anger.
Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning.
Whether it's anger at their spouse, themselves, or the whole...
Last week, Samuel discussed a few signs that the unfaithful was unsafe in their own recovery process. This week, we look at ways the unfaithful can help the betrayed partner avoid self-sabotaging or undermining the recovery process for the relationship as a whole. While each situation is unique and challenging, Samuel and special guest and expert clinician Amanda Asproni share insight into navigating the...
Are you a betrayed partner reeling from infidelity, looking for signs to see if your unfaithful mate is taking steps to be safe? Have you ever wondered about what the markers of safety in affair recovery might look like in the first place? There are signs to look for that not only create a sense of safety between partners, but make the painful but necessary recovery process that much easier to wade through....
It's hard not to think of kids playing, grouped on opposite sides of a thick rope, muscling as hard as they can to overtake the other group and pull them over a line on the ground, when you hear "tug of war." It can sometimes last a little while, or it can end in a split second. I wish betrayal could be that easy. One side wins and it's done, and everyone goes off to play. It's not that easy though, in any situation. Most of the time, there is a winning side and a losing side.
When someone experiences betrayal it is an...
Early on after discovery or disclosure of infidelity, it seems normal, and even expected, that the unfaithful is overwhelmed with grief, despair, and even shame. Then, enough time transpires and they are seemingly paralyzed by these emotions and more, leaving them self-absorbed and wallowing in their own pain. The difficulty arrives when the betrayed partner begins to wonder, when will they show remorse for what they've done, and for how their choices have affected their loved ones? To...
"I'm afraid we'll never achieve the AffairRecovery dream" a couple told me.
What are you talking about?" I asked.
"We're not sure we can make it or that we'll ever find a new life of meaning and purpose," they replied.
In my years of treating infidelity, I've seen couples take many paths after the initial disclosure—and not all to good end. I've often wondered if there's something we could do to help increase the probability of couples achieving a better life. How could we help couples be more resilient after experiencing the trauma of relationship betrayal. Why are some individuals and...
After an affair, the unfaithful party can struggle with a tremendous amount of confusion and disorientation. Of course we know the betrayed can feel this way as well, but today Samuel is going to focus on a discipline that all wayward spouses can learn from: the view from the bottom. Borrowed from a commentary by Richard Rohr, Samuel shares the need for the unfaithful party to adopt and practice...
The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling. Once given, the receiver has the choice to cherish it and henceforth act in a way that expresses gratitude, or take advantage of it through a selfish entitlement that overlooks the sacrifice and kindness with which it was given.
The grace that my husband has given me throughout recovery has been vital to the survival of our marriage. His ability to extend chance after chance for me to get...
Making peace with our own past after an affair or addiction can seem impossible. Enter infidelity, and both partners can feel as though they are on an island, with no one to help support them and no one to make sense out of their pain, shame and hopelessness. However, as not only a survivor of infidelity but a healing guide, Samuel discusses an eye-opening experience he had that prompted both the need and the plan to make peace with his own troubled past. Today, Samuel provides direction...
People who have lost a loved one often ask me, "How do you understand so much about grief?" I suppose, before I lost my dad, it looked to the world like I really didn't know much about grief. The truth is, that's because as a society we often only judge a person's grief or ability to understand grief by the losses that fit into our prescribed "big" and "normal" categories. Everything else gets brushed under the rug. There is an overall general understanding...
Trying to save a relationship after an affair or addiction can be confusing, frustrating and downright excruciating. We often hear leaders or experts in the recovery process say that both couples and individuals need to do 'work' in order to heal and give the relationship a fighting chance. We also hear that, regardless of the status of the relationship, both unfaithful and betrayed partners need to do their own work...
"Rick, don't you want to help your mate move beyond the pain of betrayal after your affair?"
It was certainly important to me, but, initially, my responses to Stephanie's pain only made things worse. Eventually I was able to realize when Stephanie was emotionally flooded, and quickly learned that in those moments I couldn't necessarily make things better, but I could certainly make things worse.
Dealing with intrusive thoughts and painful triggers is...
There I was having to answer my own question, why is my jaw hurting again? Not only have I been grinding my teeth like before, but hate has a hold on me, again. It's been some years, but not long enough. A familiar pain revealed itself, as if getting punched dead in the face.
If you've ever been hit or had an accident where your head is involved, it's a startling flash of light, temporary blindness, confusion, and undeniably searing yet numbing pain. You come to, and realize you have...
After infidelity or addiction is revealed in a relationship, business travel can sometimes be an unavoidable trigger, especially when the one traveling was also the unfaithful. Professionals such as airline pilots, for example, cannot avoid travel as part of their job, leaving the betrayed partner behind to worry and wonder what their mate is doing on the road. If you have been unfaithful but are now committed to recovery,...
Today, we at AffairRecovery.com are excited to share with you an interview with the esteemed Dr. Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW. Dr. Weiss is the Chief Clinical Officer of Seeking Integrity LLC, offering clinical programs that provide online education and residential treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex-addicted men and their families. A psychotherapist and addiction specialist, he has created six intimacy and addiction treatment programs in the US, Southeast Asia and for the US military. Dr. Weiss is...
Find guidance to healing after infidelity with EMS Online. This course is comprised of expert methodology honed from decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives.
A common fear expressed by my clients is how the infidelity may impact their children. In 2008, Ana Nogales...
How Do You Know if You're Healing? Part 1 How Do You Know if You're Healing? Part 2
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
—Hebrews 11:1
I guess when I first heard someone talking about the process of "healing" I envisioned a...
Have you ever reached a point in your own recovery, or in your relationship, where you thought to yourself: is this really as good as it's going to get? Maybe you've found yourself reasonably happy, but just not fulfilled with the repair work you've done? Like many, you may have also felt like you or your relationship were making great strides, showing ongoing momentum and promise, and now you feel stuck...
I once heard it said, "Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener." As a professional, I've always believed people to be profoundly naïve about marriage. However, that naïveté may be even more pronounced when it comes to life after divorce. After our previous article on infidelity and divorce and the challenges faced by the betrayed spouse, it seemed only appropriate to address the challenges after divorce for those who have been unfaithful.
One thing is certain no matter which side of the infidelity you are on - after D-Day, anniversaries take on a whole new meaning. On our first anniversary post D-Day, we just wanted to crawl into a hole and forget it was happening.
A million questions swirl around in your mind. Are we supposed to celebrate our anniversary? What should I do? How do I act? Is this all fake? If you were "getting by" before, there's certainly no room for that with what feels like this giant elephant looming in the background. Everything is...
If you have been impacted by infidelity, whether it happened recently or even years ago, your emotions can be all over the place. When you decide to commit to heal yourself, no matter what your spouse decides to do, there are some things you'll need to change in order to get to a healthier place mentally. Some betrayed partners feel the overwhelming need to control everything about the unfaithful, including their schedules, email or social media activity...
How many times have we experienced ups and downs in trying to save our relationship after infidelity? What about in our own personal repair work? The truth is, we typically will move two steps forward, three steps back as we try to heal from either our own destruction, or our partner's. Today Samuel brings a refreshing approach to accomplishing long-term, sustainable transformation, in both our own...
For that matter, what is "healed" anyway? What does it mean? What does it actually look like? I will explore this further in a future blog, as this question has perplexed and frustrated me since I learned of my husband's infidelity. More to come on that.
In the meantime, the process of healing is hard to measure. You can't take out a yardstick or step on the scale to track the progress. It's subtle and murky. Healing is slow and...
Do you or your partner shut down out of self protection in the middle of a discussion? If they do, or you do, there’s probably a reason behind it. It’s not always to punish the other partner, but may be due to a concept called ‘self-protecting.’ Oftentimes, when we’re in a discussion that we feel threatened by the tone, content, or expression of our partner, we can self protect and shut down, seemingly walling off the threat -...
Preface: In Hope for Healing lesson 5, as a participant, I was asked to examine the difference between a prideful spirit and a broken spirit. At first, I thought maybe I had come up with the "wrong" answer because the other women in my group saw brokenness as a bad thing and a place to be ashamed of. I see brokenness as a catalyst for total transformation. Looking back on my journey through failure, disaster, and gut-wrenching pain, I came up with this definition of brokenness....
When you decide to face your addiction and commit to recovery, it is vital that you surround yourself with others who are in a similar position. As Mickey likes to say, "there are no lone rangers in recovery." Even if this is foreign or uncomfortable for you, being humble and asking for support from other people on the same path is going to help you stay accountable and healthy in your relationships...
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