Survivors' Blog

If you have a heart attack or are diagnosed with cancer, it is treated with seriousness and urgency. No one says "try not to think about it," "focus on good things" or "just let it go." No. The doctor sits you down and refers you to a team of helpful, trained professionals who are lined up to draft a plan with realistic expectations, answer your questions, and assist and support you until you are healed. The recovery plan is laid out for you. You are given step-by-step instructions and a contact person, or a team of experts, to guide you through it to the end. No one would expect you to know what to do and how to do this; you are not a cardiac surgeon or an oncologist — well maybe you actually are but, for the sake of argument, most of us here on this page are not. In the case of infidelity, however, the road map isn't anywhere near as clear. Feeling Lost After Betrayal After infidelity, when you experience the shock of your entire reality being ripped apart, you are basically in a free fall of confusion and choices to make, with no one standing by to guide you. There is no instinctive plan, and no one is assigned to check on you and ensure you have what you need, are on the right track, and are headed toward healing. You are on your own. Recovering from betrayal is the loneliest journey I have ever experienced. Most of us never thought about what we should do if we found ourselves in this position. We might have had the fleeting singular thought of, "If they ever cheated on me, I would just kick them out." But I know I never thought further about what people actually do in this situation — or how to go about figuring it out, for that matter. Let me be the one to tell you: You might, unfortunately, encounter landmines once you start navigating this desolate terrain, and not everyone who tries to help will actually be helpful. If you tell your dermatologist you have lung cancer, they are not going to say, "I have seen that before; let me take a crack at it." No. Your dermatologist will recognize that your problem is specialized, and that it needs to be treated by someone who is knowledgeable and experienced in that area. They would never risk doing you more harm by hacking away at body parts they are not trained to treat. To that end, not all counselors have an understanding and respect for the unique nature, deep trauma and profound impact of infidelity. True infidelity experts, however, understand the widespread ramifications that infidelity and intimate betrayal can have on a person's entire life. Finding the Right Help When a counselor is not specifically trained in the treatment of trauma or infidelity, they will often apply treatments or methodologies intended for more generic marital problems or general life issues. Rather than adapting methods to the specific needs of the client, they will expect the client to adapt to the treatments. This is unreasonable and completely unhelpful. Can you imagine your dentist telling you that if you flossed more, your brain tumor would vanish? And that if it isn't working, you just aren't trying hard enough? You would never believe that, right? But after infidelity, we are offered these kinds of ridiculous and hurtful "truths" by well-meaning but misguided professionals, family, and friends, and we are often left feeling more damaged and betrayed than when we started. Finding the right help is hard. When you are feeling confused, hopeless and exhausted, it is even harder. When the person from whom we are seeking help is not a good fit, or doesn't have the right experience or skills, many betrayed partners find themselves feeling more frustrated, more misunderstood and sometimes even crazy. Already feeling rejected by our spouse, it is easy to take this as a personal failure, since betrayal already leaves us feeling like there is something terribly wrong with us, and that we are lacking or worthless. The point of all of this is that many of us feel, or have felt, lost in this process. We are often alone, hiding, and have no idea where to turn or whether we are doing it "right" or just making it worse. I just want to validate that if this has been your story, please be assured it's OK if you think you have flubbed it a bit when finding your way through this minefield. We all have different stories and different needs, and we all react differently to each situation and kind of help. Again, it's OK. Please don't beat yourself up like I did. What Lies Ahead on the Road to Recovery You aren't supposed to know what to do with all of this pain; it never should have been part of your life, so you couldn't possibly be prepared for it. This is not your fault; but now that you are here, this is a very good place to be for this crossroads in your life. Just reading this blog shows you have started down the path to healing yourself and maybe your relationship, too. If you haven't already, I recommend looking at the free First Steps Bootcamp. It won't fix you, but it will give you an idea of the ground that you will need to cover in more depth in the coming months, whether through therapy with an infidelity or trauma expert, small group work, a program such as EMS Online, or whatever else you choose. Regardless of which road you choose for your recovery work, please understand that you will need to do a great deal of work along the way. The what and how is up to you, but you will need to take charge of your own healing. Your spouse cannot do your recovery work for you, and they may not even be supportive of your choices to work toward healing. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; this is for you. The more you can advocate for yourself, the more invested and successful you will be in your personal restoration. No matter what happens in your marriage, you will know that you did the best you could and will be better off for it. What do we know for sure in this disorienting storm of pain and uncertainty? The sun will come up tomorrow. You might not care about it right now, but it will still rise. My therapist told me, "Disappointment can motivate future growth, or it can define current failure". Sometimes, it is both. Try not to get discouraged by the bumps in this winding road. If you encounter a detour, keep going. If the help you found doesn't "help," try something else. Don't assume you are doomed to be in this much pain forever. There is good help out there, and you are absolutely worth it. Harboring Hope registration opens soon! Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Click the button below to subscribe and be notified of upcoming registration dates. Subscribe to Registration Notifications!

Part 1: You Are Not Stupid for Having Been Deceived Part 2: After Betrayal: Don’t Second-Guess Yourself Using 20/20 Hindsight Last time, we talked about how stupid we can feel after betrayal is discovered or disclosed. It is a universal feeling that only adds insult to the injury of betrayal. It leaves us wondering: If we had been savvier, would everything have somehow been different and our spouses would not have betrayed us? There is nothing like marital betrayal to make you question everything about yourself, your reality and even your sanity. Maybe you had absolutely no idea and now look back and wonder how you could have missed it. Maybe you did know, at least on some level, that you were being betrayed. Or maybe you just had a sense, a vague uneasiness you couldn’t put your finger on, that now seems so clear in hindsight. You are probably kicking yourself and feeling as if you betrayed yourself. If you didn’t know, you might chide yourself — unfairly — for not paying closer attention. If you knew, or thought you knew, and did not act or felt powerless, you had valid reasons for your choices. Be it fear, loss of control, worries about your children, concerns about your finances or anxiety about your future and reputation, these were your choices and no one else has to validate them. They were valid, and you do not need to make any excuses for them. Infidelity Is Masterful Trickery, and You Are Its Target I understand this all too well. My husband’s affair went on for well over a year. I “knew” from the beginning, even asking him point-blank many times, but I never got the truth. I was lied to repeatedly and I knew it, and he knew I didn’t believe him. It was like a game of chicken. I never told a single soul. Infidelity, no matter which kind, is intentionally hidden from you by the person who knows you the best. I made many plans, mapped out my future without him, strategized my public reveal to his and her families and co-workers, and told them both off in my imagination. In reality, however, I did nothing. I had so many reasons why I did not ultimately act, but I kicked myself over and over then and in all the years that followed. It took 11 years for me to finally get the truth. And in all that time, I was left wondering, uneasy and never settled. After D-Day, I was relentless in lambasting my former self for sitting by and being a doormat — I’m sure you can imagine. Infidelity, no matter which kind, is intentionally hidden from you by the person who knows you the best, the person who knows how to mislead or confuse you more than anyone else. He or she knows your fears and weaknesses, and they know how you think. Therefore, he or she has all the tools and skills to manipulate you into not knowing. Think about it: No one else would have all the history and components of your relationship to deceive you so deftly. Your spouse has the best capability to fool you, as they know you so well and also know they have the benefit of your trust; they know your weaknesses, your fears, your habits and your routines. It is easy for them to know the ways in which you would be most easily deceived, and they know where you would likely turn or look if you were suspicious. Infidelity is masterful trickery, and you are its target. Attend Our Hope Rising Conference Exclusively for Betrayed Spouses! Regardless of whether the unfaithful spouse is supportive, unsupportive or gone, we want you to feel hope again; we want you to feel whole again after betrayal. On October 2, join us virtually at Hope Rising to learn from and grow with others as you navigate this challenging season. To learn more and purchase tickets, click the button below. Purchase 2021 Hope Rising Tickets! You Should Be Able to Expect Trust — Not Betrayal The reality of marital betrayal is this: The person who knows our weaknesses and vulnerabilities is the person who can make us doubt ourselves like no one else can. If he or she had just said, “Hey, I’m actually going to meet up with my boss for sex tomorrow afternoon,” you obviously would have reacted very differently. This is certainly not to say your spouse intentionally inflicted pain on you, or that they even thought this would hurt you at all. In fact, many unfaithful partners are so delusional that they don’t even consider the consequences of their actions. They believe you will never find out and, therefore, will never be hurt. Often, the “why” behind the unfaithful spouse’s infidelity is complicated and has roots in their own pain. And many, if not most unfaithful spouses, are truly and deeply sorry and repentant for the hurt they have caused once he or she recognizes and absorbs the weight of it after betrayal. Give yourself the grace you would give a friend, and forgive yourself for not knowing. The point of this blog, though, is to soothe your conscience. As the betrayed spouse, you did not know, and you should not have expected to know. You should have expected to trust the person who committed to have your back, live life with you and be faithful to you — no matter what life threw at you. This was your expectation and your role, and you fulfilled it. This is not to say you were a perfect spouse, as this does not exist; I certainly was not a perfect spouse, and I am very comfortable owning my side of the street now that some time has passed after betrayal and the initial implosion of my life that followed. In fact, I appreciate how this life disaster has afforded me the opportunity and humility to see, really see, how I needed to change and grow in many ways. This does not excuse my husband’s choices, but it does help both of us put the puzzle pieces together as to why he felt the way he did at the time of his affair and how those feelings skewed his perspective. It has also allowed us both to be very real and raw in seeing our flaws, and it has helped us see the ways in which we hurt each other, even without awareness, at the time. In turn, this has given us the impetus to be intentional about choosing to be different, more open and vulnerable, and to be the people we really want to be and deserve from each other. Forgive Yourself for Not Seeing the Betrayal Let me say this again: None of this awareness excuses or justifies a spouse's choice to cheat. This choice is theirs alone, and they have to live with it and any consequences that result after betrayal. You can trust yourself because your eyes are now wide open. It turns out, I am not stupid and neither are you. With the tools, insight and information you had, you were doing the best that you could. No matter how much you knew or thought you knew, you have enough pain and heartache coming at you right now, and you don’t need to feel stupid on top of it. So, please, give yourself the grace you would give a friend. Forgive yourself for not knowing, and move on to the rest of the issues at hand. You have a lot on your plate already, do not add to it by beating yourself up. After betrayal, it is hard to trust your own reality and know what is true. You can trust yourself because your eyes are now wide open, and you will never ignore your intuition again. You will be prepared to face the pain and consequences, rather than hide or deny if you feel it again. For now, give yourself grace that you were doing the best you could then, and know that you are doing the best you can now. You are not stupid, you never were stupid, and this is not on you. Jen is a betrayed spouse and Affair Recovery alumna, who's seeking God's grace to find meaning and purpose in her pain. She hopes to share her life raft with others drowning in the despair of infidelity. Tickets Are Going Fast for Hope Rising 2021. Get Yours Today! There is hope after betrayal. If you're the betrayed spouse, we invite you to take the first step in transcending your pain by attending our 2021 Hope Rising Conference on October 2. Our eight incredible speakers have been through the heart-wrenching, devastating experience of infidelity, and they want to inspire you and empower your healing and rebuilding. "(What I liked most about Hope Rising was) the sense of 'normalcy' and that feeling where you have the support of everyone around you brings a lot of hope. To have a conference just for the betrayed communicates something really special about the care that God, through Affair Recovery, has put into everyone out there." — 2020 Hope Rising participant. 2021 Hope Rising Tickets!

Part 1: You Are Not Stupid for Having Been Deceived Part 2: After Betrayal: Don’t Second-Guess Yourself Using 20/20 Hindsight "How could I have been so stupid?" Anyone who's been betrayed has thought this, felt this and owned this at some point in time. But take it from me: You are not stupid. Adding salt to the wound of betrayal is a series of self-doubt about who we are, what we are and how we are. After betrayal, we can doubt our value as a spouse and as a person, and we can doubt our intelligence and intuition. When we learn we've been tricked and deceived by the person we love, we can even turn on ourselves and join the proverbial pack of self-hating lions, devouring any shred of self-assurance or confidence that might have remained. Why We Miss the Signs of Betrayal Often, we can miss or ignore the signs that something is wrong. Sometimes it is so well hidden there may not be any signs at all. After betrayal is revealed, we naturally want to play Monday morning quarterback and eviscerate our former selves for not seeing it. We may think we "missed" the signs or enabled our mate's behavior in some way. But here's the reality: When we begin to have an inkling that someone is betraying us, we might not be ready to admit it to ourselves.. Admitting that the betrayal is happening makes it real, and it means we have to do something about it. It's understandable why some of us want to turn our heads and look away rather than deal with the pain before us. Not only do we not want to deal with the pain, but we may not know how to deal with the pain. We may not believe we even can deal with the pain. The possibility of infidelity threatens the life you've made with the person you love the most. It leaves you totally confused and unprepared, and you don't have any idea what to do with any of this. That's why it's so intuitively protective to deny it, even to yourself, and shut down those nagging voices whispering to you from the corners of your mind. We can explain our suspicions away with seemingly logical explanations. We want to give our spouses or mates the benefit of the doubt. After all, they promised to be faithful; they meant that, right? We can develop knots in our stomachs as we consider the possibility that something is just not right, which can grow as we chalk our feelings up to paranoia or too many imaginary scenarios running around in our heads. Continue Your Healing With Harboring Hope for Betrayed Spouses Registration opens soon for our life-changing Harboring Hope online course. Learn how to weather the hardships following infidelity, pave a more hopeful future and much more. To find out when registration opens, subscribe to be notified using the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! How the Art of Deception Works There's also such a thing as the art of deception: When someone makes an active effort to conceal or misrepresent the truth. If someone is trying that hard to cover their tracks and we aren't looking for a trail at all, we can't expect ourselves to see it — much less be prepared for it. Add in some active storytelling and gaslighting on the part of your mate, and maybe sprinkle in blatant denial, and it's no wonder why we can second-guess ourselves. There's also such a thing as the art of deception: When someone makes an active effort to conceal or misrepresent the truth. We may also miss the signs of betrayal because they can be incremental: one small question here, a strange feeling there. It reminds me of the analogy of the frog in boiling water: If you drop a frog in water that's already boiling, they would certainly jump out; but if you start with cold water and increase its temperature gradually, the frog might not notice or interpret that danger is on the horizon. When the heat increases just one degree at a time, it's easy for the frog to get used to each new temperature and believe everything is normal and OK. Suddenly, the water begins to boil and they've missed all their opportunities to take control and jump out. It's easy to miss or ignore the signs of betrayal when you're actively being deceived, but please know you are not stupid or alone. We can all feel this way initially. Just because you were betrayed by someone you love and trust, it doesn't mean that you're stupid, unexceptional or a failure. Even the people most of us would view as having it all together can be betrayed. Anyone can be betrayed, and the act of infidelity itself does not devalue you — even though it can hurt like hell. Why This Isn't Your Fault Here's the thing: It's not your fault that you didn't know something was wrong or didn't trust your intuition. Here's the thing: It's not your fault that you didn't know something was wrong or didn't trust your intuition. We aren't supposed to expect infidelity — or know how to handle it, for that matter — because it isn't supposed to happen. So please don't beat yourself up. After betrayal, give yourself the same grace and comfort that you'd offer a hurting friend who's trying to make sense of this situation. And take time to prioritize yourself and find support. Affair Recovery's Free First Steps Bootcamp is a good place to start your healing journey, even if you read through its materials without your mate. Additionally, Harboring Hope is an online, facilitated small group for betrayed mates that can be a lifeline after betrayal. Over the course of 13 weeks, you'll gain understanding and support from Group Leaders who've walked this road as well as others who are currently travelling this difficult journey. There is comfort and reassurance in knowing that others understand what you are feeling, have experienced the blinding pain and disorientation of betrayal, and have taken steps toward healing. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage or relationship, it's important to take steps to make sense of this mess and forge a path forward. I encourage you to lean on those who understand what you're going through, healthy people who can show you the way. Remember, you are not alone, and you are definitely not stupid. Jen is a betrayed spouse and Affair Recovery alumna, who's seeking God's grace to find meaning and purpose in her pain. She hopes to share her life raft with others drowning in the despair of infidelity. Registration for Harboring Hope Opens Soon! You don't have to do this alone! Join other betrayed spouses on the path to healing with our Harboring Hope online course. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not stupid. Harboring Hope can help you discover what you need to heal and find hope in your circumstance. Space is limited! "I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other people who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." — M., Michigan | April 2021. Subscribe to Registration Notifications!

Mental Health: A Two-Part Series Part 1: How Couples Can Promote Good Mental Health During and After the Pandemic Part 2: Mental Health and Parenting: How to Support Yourself and Your Kids Last week, I kick-started the conversation on a really important topic for couples and individuals, both during the COVID-19 pandemic and any time: mental health. I covered depression, anxiety and isolation — among many other topics — and ways to work toward better mental health. If you weren't able to join me last week, I hope you'll check out the article and video here. Today, I'm excited to continue the conversation that I had with Jeremy Edelen, director of content at Northpoint Church, this time with a focus on mental health and parenting. If you're wondering how to approach mental health issues with your children or what you can do to lead and love your kids better, I strongly recommend checking out the video above. I encourage you to take notes while viewing and to share your takeaways in the comments below. Here are just some of the highlights from my conversation with Jeremy on mental health and parenting. Is Anxiety a Bigger Issue for Today's Teenagers? I think what happens a lot of times is kids are just kind of living through their peers or other things via social media. It's no secret that most teenagers today have a much different coming-of-age experience than I did. Many of them are always reachable and plugged in to the internet, thanks to the capabilities of smartphones, which can be extremely distracting and create an enormous amount of pressure to maintain appearances. This can be challenging for adults to handle, so it's no wonder why it's sometimes overwhelming for adolescents with still-developing brains. Numerous studies have noticed an increase in anxiety levels in children and teenagers over the years, including a PEW Research Center survey shared by the National Education Association. The Pew survey found that "70% of teens say anxiety and depression is a 'major problem' among their peers, and an additional 26% say it's a 'minor problem.'" While technology isn't necessarily the culprit for these statistics, it can definitely be a contributor to poor mental health in some people. I think what happens a lot of times is kids, instead of feeling really connected in their families, are just kind of living through their peers or other things via social media. I believe, in some ways, parents can do a much better job of bringing life to their children's experiences. In his book* "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life," Donald Miller talks about this a bit. He says: "The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a life meaningful either." In borrowing from him, let me ask you this: If your family was a movie, would it be enthralling or would it put the audience to sleep? It's easy for the latter to become your reality if your family isn't really giving back or growing, if you're not building things together. Sometimes, we can forget how to do this. Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. You don't have to do this alone! Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course. With Harboring Hope, learn how to weather the pitfalls and hardships following infidelity and pave a more hopeful future. "I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other women who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." — M., Michigan | April 2021 HH Participant. Space is limited! Use the button below to learn more about Harboring Hope and enroll in this restorative course. Subscribe Now! Why Is Legacy Important for Mental Health and Parenting? At Affair Recovery, one of the things we try to help people with is developing a strong sense of legacy, so that they know where they come from and who they are. Legacy is a very important thing. Going back to Donald Miller, he tells this really funny story about a family: A man was complaining about his daughter and that she wasn't doing well, that she was running with the wrong kids. Miller responded with the movie example; he said: If your family was a movie, would your daughter be interested in being a part of it or would she rather leave the theater? The man replied, "Oh, she'd definitely want to leave the theater." To that, Miller said, "Well, maybe that's part of the problem." And so the guy, without even talking to his wife — which probably wasn't smart — comes home that night and it's supper. Everybody's sitting around the table and he tells them, "I've volunteered our family to raise $500,000 for an orphanage over in India." There's just silence, and his wife makes a surprised face. Sure, they had to make big sacrifices and cancel all of their vacations, but this experience completely changed their family. They all bought into it. They did some incredible things, and they travelled as a family. But, perhaps most importantly, they built a life — and that changed their kids. As parents, when we create a strong sense of legacy and pass it along, that's something alone that can help kids. I'm not talking about simply taking vacations but, rather, embarking in meaningful and purposeful experiences together. It's about passing memories and lessons along, and it's about showing our kids how to create a joyful and fulfilling life. How Does Connectedness Affect Mental Health? As parents, when we create a strong sense of legacy and pass it along, that's something alone that can help kids. When it comes to mental health and parenting, another thing that helps is emphasizing the importance of connectedness with real people — healthy people. That's why I often suggest youth groups. There are so many people who grow from these. My youth group was huge for me when I was growing up. At Affair Recovery, we know that when people begin to have community, that it becomes about health, about life and about growing. We put participants in moderated forums where they're able to communicate every day, 24/7. Often, they're also texting each other and doing all kinds of stuff to stay connected. When the focus is on helping others along the way, when it's on processing emotions and just being vulnerable and honest, one of two things happens: People surround themselves with co-conspirators who support their victimhood, who tell them life is awful and that it won't get better. People surround themselves with healed individuals, healthy people who help them find a way forward and tell them life can get better. I think we have to help our kids find really healthy people, other healthy kids. When they're in that sort of community, the second community, they naturally do better. When Is It Helpful to Consult a Therapist? If your child is — or you are, for that matter — really struggling with depression, get them help and get them the right type of help. Find somebody who specializes in depression and anxiety. I am a big proponent of this: Not all therapists are created equal, in the sense that some people have really worked to be specialists and have done their homework; they are truly experts. Other people are generalists, and they haven't seen as many cases or received as much training as a true expert. Find somebody who understands how to treat anxiety or depression and is known for that. Depression is chemical, not psychological, so please don't refuse to see someone because of the mental health stigma. If they have anxiety, unless it's a phobia like flying, they may have trouble motivating themselves because they're just so anxious about, say, going to school. When they can work with somebody, somebody who knows what they're doing, they can get through this. If they're having panic attacks, take this seriously and get them help because they don't have to live with panic attacks. If they have really negative body dysmorphia — how they see themselves — find somebody who can help them change that construct, so they see themselves beautiful as they are. One of the problems for teenagers today is social media because it can make them feel amazingly inadequate. But what if your child is depressed? Here are some of the common tell-tale signs of depression: Sleep disturbance. Lethargy or loss of energy. Self-doubt or self-hate. Feelings of guilt. Loss of interest in activities. Isolation. Trouble concentrating on and completing tasks. Appetite disturbance. Depression is chemical, not psychological, so please don't refuse to see someone because of the mental health stigma. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting the help you need, and there absolutely shouldn't be a stigma associated with this. You don't have to be ashamed, and you don't have to be limited. I've always believed — and it's what we believe at Affair Recovery — that pain can serve as a catalyst to something better, that you can transcend from a crisis to become better, not worse. Sometimes, it's not until a crisis when we decide we need to change and do better. It's my sincere hope that the COVID-19 pandemic has presented opportunities for people to say, "Yeah, I don't like this," and make a conscious choice to change. Viktor Frankl wrote a book called "Man's Search for Meaning."* He was a Jewish psychiatrist during World War II, who was arrested and put in a death camp that killed all of his family members. The Nazis took away his manuscript, what he had been writing for his life's work. They took all of his property. They took everything. But Frankl said: "The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance." He says that between every tragedy and outcome, there's always choice. I get to choose how I am going to respond; nobody can take that from me. I believe we should teach our kids how to see their choices as opportunities. When it comes to mental health and parenting, this is a biggie. It's a whole different construct of thinking than they might be used to. How Can Parents Better Support Themselves and Their Kids? Again, I think that with mental health and parenting, it's important to be able to really tune in to your child and pay attention to their emotions. If something seems amiss, don't be afraid to sit them down and say: "Look, maybe I am wrong here, but you look really _________ [troubled/sad/frustrated, etc.]. Is that right? What's going on?" Being able to just talk to them about their feelings and emotions, believe it or not, is huge. Also, ask them what they're interested in, and help them accomplish their goals. Children want to feel supported and encouraged by their parents, so do what you can to show that you believe in them. I've always believed that pain can serve as a catalyst to something better, that you can transcend from a crisis to become better. So often, I think we put expectations on kids rather than just, really, taking delight in them. Encouraging them is what helps them be OK. It's also about helping them when they're really upset, standing up for them, helping them figure out how to calm down, and just talking them through things. You don't have to be a perfect parent, but you do need to be there for them and you do need to show up. I'd be remiss if I didn't end on this thought: Hurting people hurt people. I see this all the time in couples healing from infidelity. If you're struggling with mental health and parenting or are just having trouble moving forward, I encourage you to enroll in one of our courses. We have two online, small group courses for individuals: Hope for Healing for wayward mates and Harboring Hope for betrayed mates. When people stray from the relationship, they often have a lot of trouble seeing themselves clearly and being able to support and empathize with others — including their mates and their children. Hope for Healing helps them work through these things, put relapse prevention measures in place, escape shame and so much more. Harboring Hope helps betrayed mates with empathy as well by first teaching them about infidelity in a deeper way, and second discussing what goes through the mind of a wayward partner. Participants also learn strategies to repair their confidence, process their pain and begin to rebuild their lives. In the past, participants have developed profound relationships with their small group members; some have even told me that their best friends are part of these groups. Community helps people heal, I strongly believe that, and it's crucial to our mental health. And to be a better parent and partner, it's so important to take care of your mental health. Whether you choose to enroll in one of our courses or go another route, I sincerely hope you take the time to do what's necessary for your health and the health of your family. *Note: We hope you find these resources helpful. If you decide to purchase a book using a link on this page, Affair Recovery may collect a share of the sales or other compensation. EMS Weekend for Couples Is Back IN PERSON! Register Today! This isn’t another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. EMS Weekend is a safe space for you and your mate to begin moving toward acceptance, transformation and healing after infidelity. During EMS Weekend, we pair you with expert infidelity counselors, comprehensive healing resources and a small group of other couples to heal with and learn from. "Before EMS Weekend, my spouse and I were at a standstill and were losing hope. After going through EMS Weekend and participating in the sessions and activities, we have a whole new outlook on our future. We BOTH have a better understanding of where we were and where we are now going — forward with love, respect, support and determination.” Virtual EMS Weekend participant | July 2020. Whether you attend EMS Weekend in person or virtually, we’re here to help guide you during this season of healing. Note: Our remote offering comes at a $1,000 discount, as it doesn’t include food and lodging. So what are you waiting for? Join Rick for EMS Weekend to begin building toward a better, brighter life after infidelity.