Survivors' Blog

significant adjective Important; of consequence. Having or expressing a meaning. Statistics - of or relating to observations that are unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause. The significance of the choice to have an affair cannot be understated. Until and unless the unfaithful recognizes what led them to make those choices, they are at risk of a repeat performance. Humans must dig deep to understand themselves. Self-reflection is vital to self- management and self-control. When a person's thinking blossoms into stories they tell themselves that are not cross-checked with reality, when a person assumes, he or she crosses into the land of minimization, justification, villainization of others and, generally, what 12-step programs refer to as "stinkin' thinkin'." The unfaithful often have placed significance into their own thought processes without benefit of adjusting their lens to reflect 20/20 reality. In short, they fool themselves–self-delusion. "unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause." Their choices did not occur 'by chance'. There is a systematic cause that must be unearthed in order to recognize it, clarify it, and adjust it so that they can defend against its repetition. What can we say about significance when it relates to the thinking and actions of the betrayed? So many of us are blindsided by our partner's betrayal. Rightly so. Not many people expect the most beloved and presumably trustworthy person in their life to destroy the contract, the agreement to support, honor, and cherish. What I am about to say may rub you the wrong way, make you mad, or, at first blush, just seem w-r-o-n-g. I was blindsided because I founded my sense of worth in the wrong things. WHAT??? You are probably thinking: "Is it wrong to be committed to my spouse, family, home and career?" But I did not say anything about commitment. I'm talking about measuring my self-worth by those commitments. Many of us have such a huge commitment to our spouse, family and home that it becomes our identity. We feel affronted should someone criticize how we are parenting or judge our housekeeping or our marital relationship. We take an inordinate share of our worthiness and place it outside our healthy circle of control. At the end of the day, we have zero control over (and, therefore, responsibility for) another person's choices–even those of our children and spouse. We have little control over anything or anyone other than ourselves. For those of us who find our sense of worth in the success of our marriage, our children, our career, the state of our house—we are bound to be disappointed. We may, in fact, live in a nearly chronic state of low-level disappointment. There is no such thing as perfection. It is not realistic to think that there is. Out of love, we misplace our value, our identity, sometimes our very significance on the perceived health of our spouse, children, home, and/or career. We put the golden eggs of our self-esteem and value in other people, places and things. We impose unenforceable rules and demands, whether stated or imagined, onto imperfect, limited persons and things. We set ourselves up for disappointment. When we judge our day, our week, or our life on how well others outside our circle of control are behaving and place the value of our happiness upon them, we will eventually, inevitably, be disappointed, even devastated should they betray us. I misplaced so very much of my identity, my value, my worth on how well I was doing in my primary relationships, how successful those relationships were in the lens of my upbringing and cultural influences. Did my life measure up to what I deserved because I gave so much and tried so hard to be a great mom, wife, and employee? Surely everyone else who professed to love me owed me the same. They would act in love toward me, support me, value me, and feed into my identity of good mom, wife, and employee. Nuts. It just doesn't work that way. What any given person invests in is seldom returned in full. Even when there are occasions of happiness, of support and investment of love toward us, it is imperfect and limited–as everyone and all situations are. If my significance exists only as long as I am a valued, respected and loved wife, mother and employee, I WILL be bruised and disappointed when not treated as such. In the case of infidelity, I will be devastated. My perceived value as that great wife, mother, employee is going down the drain when the plug is pulled. When the rug of my expectations is yanked from beneath me, the 'unfairness' of my expectation of faithfulness and love is shattered, I am in peril. I feel devalued if not worthless. All my love and work and giving did not yield what I told myself I deserved, earned. And why didn't I see it coming? Is there something wrong with me that this atrocity should have been cast upon me? My perfect world is shattered. My expectation of growing old with the spouse I loved always and forever at my side in loving support—obliterated. "Plan A" into which I invested all my golden eggs has proven to be untrustworthy, flawed and… *gasp* uncontrollable. I am now in the land of destroyed plan A–hoisted into a plan B I neither planned for, expected or deserved. Where do I go from here? The rubble of plan A is all around me and my outlook on life has taken a severe beating. From where do I find my strength, my value? For those of faith, a higher power is the one reliable answer. From a secular perspective, another safety net must be constructed or drawn upon. If we have put all our worth and identity in our marriage, then, after betrayal, we are starting from ground zero. For those of us who have spread our identity out to include a broad spectrum of persons, places, accomplishments, our task will have some support that is so vital to healing. Grief needs to be witnessed. Many of our unfaithful partners are too deep in shame or 'the fog' to help us. If our very identity, our significance has been placed in them, we are up that cliché creek without a paddle. What we all desire is to be loved. When someone we love lets us down in the most profound way and we do not have a strong relationship with our personal value apart from persons and things, we are bound to flounder. The first step of the 12 step recovery programs reminds us that we are powerless over _______________. Fill in the blank. Whether it be alcohol, overeating, drugs, or other people, the truth of it rings loud and clear. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can (myself, my attitude, my personal circle of control–ME!) ...And the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us who have experienced betrayal have, at least for a season, anger as our front seat driver. But who is riding in the back seat fueling that angry driver? Fear? Frustration? Betrayal, Sadness? Loneliness? Once I uncovered loneliness and injustice as two of my backseat driver emotions, I've discovered that loneliness and injustice was part of my childhood when I struggled to be the 'good child' as my parents were trying their best to handle a difficult son, my only sibling. More damaging than that was my mother's very natural tendency to worry about me. Would I go down the same path as my ne'er-do-well brother? Would I stay out late? Lie and sneak? Of course, I knew that was not part of my character. Hey—I was the 'good child'. I earned good grades, flew under the radar of the drug culture of my high school. I was not interested. I found those sorts of choices scary, even repugnant. I wanted to live a life of no regrets. Why didn't my mother know that? I remember one evening she came after me, already upset, and accused me of planning to do the things my brother did. I went ballistic. So out of character. I NEVER went ballistic. (Good children are seen not heard.) I railed, "How could you possibly think that of me?" I was shattered. How could my mother, the woman who ostensibly knew me best, accuse me of these things I had not only never done, but would never consider? Why didn't she give me the benefit of the doubt? No…more than that—why didn't she praise me for all the hard work I actually did—all the 'right' choices, all the giving, loving behaviors? Looking back, I realize she was under tremendous emotional stress with the challenges of parenting my brother. Special classes, principal office and counselor visits, rebelliousness. He was in fact all that. I was not. My mother was upset about something that had nothing to do with me; just as my husband's choices to betray had nothing to do with me. Both of these human choices, the foibles that led to my personal pain and destruction were about their woundedness. My emotional explosion in that context highlights my sensitivity to unjust criticism. I have a lifelong trigger, if you will, to being accused of intentions I do not have. In my mind, I work too hard at being a good responsible person to be cast in such a negative light. Such aspersions cut me to the core. They break my heart. And so, the revelation of my husband's years of infidelity–sexual, emotional and financial—quite understandably sunk a dagger into my invested, responsible, loving, giving, hard-working heart. His casting blame on me for not being enough for him–"What did you expect? You didn't have enough sex with me!"—ripped the thin scab off the wound of not-good-enough-ness present from my family of origin. All the criticism poured over me by a mother who felt that that was the way to mold a good citizen (me), was, in an instant, proven 'right'. At least that is how it felt. How could a man who had benefitted from all my care, my support, my huge investment in home, children, and him, choose to abandon our marriage? I knew I was more than enough. I knew I was an excellent housekeeper, employee, mother, and wife. To be told I was not incited volcanic rage (held in check). This rage did not come out immediately. Oh, no. Good, responsible Christine had to see to the hearts of her adult children who had just been devastated with the news. (Yes, their father told me of his long-term affair in front of them.) It took me many weeks of torrential tears, sleeplessness, agony, and sadness to get to the underlying rage. I journaled that rage. Pages and pages. I filled notebooks. In moments of isolation at home, I would verbally rage at the imaginary him. I spent months and month venting this powerful, very human reaction to being betrayed. Oh, the injustice of it all! Until the energy of that injustice lessened. The sadness is still there. The pain resurfaces sometimes when I am tired, hungry, lonely. The difference is that now I have allowed myself the time to grieve. The anger at the injustice of being betrayed for so long has been vented. Revisiting that anger is less and less powerful. e-motion= energy in motion As an adult, I can find healthy ways of coping with, mitigating, and healing my anger. These methods may include, but are not limited to therapy, support groups, 12-step work, safe friends, going to church, prayer, meditation, exercise, gardening, and other fun hobbies such as painting, writing, reading. These things help me to relieve my loneliness as I heal mostly alone, and thus disarm it from influencing and 'driving' my anger. I have been put in my own driver's seat toward healing. And I knew I didn't want that seat to be forever occupied by a raging, bitter woman. These four and a half years have been the hardest, most painful of my life. They have also provided opportunity toward the most personal growth. This life experience has reinforced the truth. I am a good, invested, giving and loving person who has been accused, tried, and treated as someone guilty of something I am not by a person who is wounded by his own life circumstances and has projected them oh-so-painfully onto me. His inability to see my love in no way diminishes the reality of all the years of caring, giving, support and love that I gave. Hey—I AM that loving person who would no more harm, ignore, or abandon my family than I would fly to the moon using my arms. I gave all I had to give. I lived my life as a loving person. That is reality. And the broken accusations and behavior of another—even if that 'other' is my mother or my husband—cannot change that.

Times are in Central Standard Time | [email protected] | #hoperising2020 The Live Stream Has Ended, Thank You For Watching! The On-Demand Recording will be available on your "My Dashboard" on October 30th! BREAKOUT OPTIONS 11:45 - 1:20 Central Standard Time Please Do Not Click The Link Before 11:45 The Women's Breakout & Small Groups are for women only and vice versa for the Men's. No spouses please. Breakout dial-in phone instructions can be found here. WOMEN'S BREAKOUT & SMALL GROUPS MEN'S BREAKOUT & SMALL GROUPS Agenda 9:00 Session One Melody Lovvorn - Hope in the Darkness, Opening Keynote Rick Reynolds - The Ten Most Common Mistakes Parents Make when Dealing with Infidelity Break 10:30 Session Two Wayne Baker - Healing from the Inside Out Leigh Ashley - Infidelity and Codependency: Understanding the Dynamic and How to Heal 11:45 - 12:20 Breakout Presentations Click Links Below WOMEN'S BREAKOUT & SMALL GROUPS MEN'S BREAKOUT & SMALL GROUPS 12:20 - 1:20 Lunch Small Groups Lunch Discussion Questions: Share your first name and how long since discovery/disclosure. In two minutes or less tell us why you are joining the Hope Rising conference this year? What is the most challenging aspect of your recovery process so far? What have you learned about yourself during the recovery process? What is something from the morning sessions that inspires you or gives you hope? What is something you want to start doing that you aren't currently doing? What is something that you want to stop doing that you are currently doing? How will you continue to find support and seek healing after this conference? 1:25 Session Three Alejandro Cornejo - Developing a Mindset for Recovery and Healing Leslie Hardie - The Heart of the Matter Break 2:45 Session Four Couples' Panel Lynn - You Want Me to What? Dr. John Haney - Look Back but Don't Stare, Closing Keynote Harboring Hope Online Course This course is a lifeline for betrayed spouses. It puts you in community with 4 other betrayed spouses and a Group Leader who has been in your shoes and gets what you're going through. It's authors are presenting here at Hope Rising 2020, Leslie Hardie LCSW and Dr. John Haney PhD LPC-s. It sells out very quickly each month so join the registration notification email list so you don't miss out. Join The Notification List Learn More About Harboring Hope Donate To The Scholarship Program Help us raise funds for those who can't afford to get help! Donate Here Watch the Stories of Each Couple On the Couples' Panel Couples Panel Videos Speakers Melody Lovvorn Opening Keynote: Hope in the Darkness Melody is a sought-after speaker, relationship & recovery coach, podcast co-host, and an advocate for encouraging people to rise up in spite of their circumstances. She is co-founder of the non-profit Undone Redone and was in the nationally released feature film, The Heart of Man. Eight years into marriage, Melody's life looked like a beautiful tapestry that was perfectly coming together: four happy children under the age of 6; a career as a fitness instructor; serving in her local church and community with an amazing husband by her side--until she was blinded-sided by her husband's infidelity. In the midst of the chaos, carpool and confusion, Melody discovered that going into and through the pain was the only way out of the pain. She reluctantly chose to embark upon a personal journey of healing and self-discovery. Melody is passionate about speaking on a number of topics and believes that stewarding the pain of our past breathes hope into another person's future. John Mark Haney PhD, LPC | Member, Affair Recovery Specialist Panel Closing Keynote: Look Back but Don't Stare John is a wise and compassionate psychotherapist with more than 15 years of experience in private practice. He earned his PhD from the University of Texas at Austin. While experienced in multiple issues and modalities, John is best-known for his work in recovery from the pain of infidelity, as well as related work in recovery from sexual shame and trauma. John and his wife Leslie co-wrote Harboring Hope, an online program for betrayed spouses. They serve together on the Affair Recovery Specialist Panel. John brings an eclectic and existential approach to counseling, believing his goal is not just to help clients cope with current or past pain, but to find new life and meaning beyond their suffering and confusion. John has been trained and certified in sex therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT). Rick Reynolds LCSW, President and Founder of Affair Recovery The Ten Most Common Mistakes Parents Make when Dealing with Infidelity As one of America's foremost authorities helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors, Rick brings over 30 years of experience and insight to his role as president and founder of Affair Recovery.. He has authored numerous recovery guides, curricula and papers detailing reasons why people cheat, how couples can overcome the pain, heartache and distrust, and ways to move forward both individually and as a couple. Rick utilizes his personal recovery experience, gift of humility and non-judgmental nature to help restore lives impacted by infidelity. Leslie Hardie LCSW | Member, Affair Recovery Specialist Panel The Heart of the Matter Anyone who has had the excruciatingly painful experience that comes from a spouse's infidelity knows that the recovery, whether the marriage is reconciled or not, takes time, energy and gut wrenching labor. In the beginning, it can seem like it's an all consuming journey of agony and frustration. However, with time and concerted effort, genuine and even surprising good can come from the devastation and traumatic events. The heart, however, requires its own special attention. Leslie will guide you through restoring your shattered heart. Wayne Baker MA, LPC | Member, Affair Recovery Specialist Panel Healing from the Inside Out Before receiving his master's in counseling from St. Edwards University in Austin, TX, he worked for his father's typesetting business, and various sales, advertising and marketing positions at Dell. He also taught middle school math while attending graduate school. In 2005 Wayne joined the staff at Crossroads Counseling Associates and began specializing in helping couples and individuals heal after infidelity. He also leads marriage retreats, couples intensives, and speaks at universities and conferences. People say that Wayne is kind and compassionate but not afraid of conflict even in the most difficult relationship issues. Wayne is trained in numerous modalities and techniques including Gottman Couples Therapy levels I, II, & III, Emotion Focused Couples Therapy, EMDR levels I & II, Internal Family Systems levels I & II, Enneagram with Suzanne Stabile, Neurobiology of Trauma with Janina Fisher, Yoga Teacher Training 200 & 300. Wayne's Presentation Handout: Internal Family Systems PDF Leigh Ashley MA, LMFT-S, CCTP | Member, EMS Weekend Retreat Team Infidelity and Codependency: Understanding the Dynamic and How to Heal Leigh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, coach and consultant who works with individuals and couples to live their best lives. Leigh believes that the intelligent, kind, and fearless application of biblical principles and modern scholarship create a powerful combination to free people from the effects of traumas, infidelity, codependency, and acute distress. Leigh has a flourishing private practice whereby the Body of Christ is expanded and edified. She is trained in a variety of clinical and practical tools including Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), and is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP). She continues to broaden her expertise to clients through training in intimacy, infidelity, addiction, childhood trauma, faith issues, and neuroscience, however life experience remains an influential teacher. Leigh holds a degree in Professional Counseling from Texas State University where she graduated with honors. She has been married thirty years and has two grown children. All reside in Texas. Lynn Marie Cherry You Want Me To What? Lynn is an engaging speaker and the author of Mem>Keep Walking, 40 Days to Hope and Freedom after Betrayal, an award-winning devotional helping betrayed spouses find a way through the pain and trauma. In 2005, Lynn and her husband David worked through a precursor to EMS online and Lynn did an early version of Harboring Hope. David and Lynn co-pastor Restoration Covenant Church in Round Rock, TX. Lynn's Presentation Handout PDF Alejandro Cornejo Developing a Mindset for Recovery and Healing Alejandro is a Harboring Hope alumnus who has a deep passion for personal development and positively impacting the lives of others. He was married for 14 years and had two young children when he first learned about his wife's infidelity. He describes the experience as the most painful and traumatic event of his life up to that point. Being a man of strong faith, Alejandro committed himself to recovery and while his marriage did not survive, he is grateful that the experience served as an inflection point in his life that allowed him to grow in ways he never imagined. As a corporate leadership development trainer and coach, he leverages his communication skills to share his journey of infidelity recovery and divorce from the “male betrayed” perspective, which has been a valuable resource for many men and women who are also going through that experience. He resides in St. Louis, Missouri. Breakout Dial-In Instructions Find your dial-in number by clicking here. Then enter the corresponding Meeting ID and Passcode. Women's Meeting ID & Passcode: Meeting ID: 980 4086 6913 Passcode: 889330 Men's Meeting ID & Passcode: Meeting ID: 918 9048 7983 Passcode: 220207 Streaming Issues? Here is a link to Vimeo's playback issue troubleshooting suggestions: https://help.vimeo.com/hc/en-us/articles/115015759328-Troubleshoot-video-playback-issues- For Zoom troubleshooting, please see Zoom's Help Center. Follow Us! Twitter Instagram YouTube Facebook

My friend recently had a terrible burn accident while frying bacon. A stumble and the hot grease splashed across the palm and side of her hand. As an EMT, she knew she must douse the injury in cold water and clean it. And not just clean but rid the area of the skin that was peeled away. The pain was exquisite. A trip to emergency room quickly followed. "Give me two minutes," the ER doctor pleaded. "You did a good job and the right thing in cleaning your burn, but I have to get the rest of the dead skin and debris so it won't get infected." My friend knew he was right. "You've been through childbirth?" He smiled wryly. He was understating the pain of those two minutes. It seemed more like two years. What is the metaphor here? Healing from the worst trauma a person may ever experience–the betrayal of the one person they relied upon to protect them—is painful. It is no more welcome than having a burn deeply cleansed after a horrible accident. Neither the betrayed nor the unfaithful likely had any notion of the severity of this deep attachment wound. Even the path to healing--the actual experience of dredging up all the ugly details, metabolizing the long-ranging effects on self, relationship and family and then talking it through ad nauseam for months, dealing with the neurologically-based trauma responses, the sleep disturbances–all of it is nothing short of painful. Sometimes very painful. Probably the worst emotional pain most will ever experience. And it is vital. To heal, you must make way for the new to grow. Tender, sensitive, unfamiliar new 'skin' will take the place of the damaged. The old marriage is dead, just as sure as those layers of injured skin. In an instant, your world has changed. Without warning you are plunged into deep unrelenting pain. And then to realize that you must attend to the wound through a process that will cause more pain? It is so unfair, so unwanted, never imagined nor courted. Yet here you are in what has been referred to as hell on earth. "I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy." The unfaithful are likely gobsmacked by the intensity of their betrayed spouse's pain, by the depth of their own shame and guilt, by it all. And now, there is no choice. If you want to heal. If you want your new life to be strong, it is going to take Herculean courage and tenacity. If you want your marriage to be rebirthed into a new, stronger life, it is going to be painful. Like childbirth, like the scraping of a wound to remove the offending, old, and dangerous. You can heal. Whether or not you build a new marriage or part ways. Both of you can heal as individuals. If you want the marriage to rise like a phoenix from the ashes, you will have to BOTH come together for what will be a long period of hard discussions. The unfaithful must learn to hold the pain of their betrayed without defensiveness or anger. They must learn to validate their wounded partner's pain, to feel it, to empathize with it, and to repair it by becoming a changed, honest, person of integrity. Without these actions, there will not be relational healing. There will be pretending, limping along, ugly scars and more pain. The betrayed must learn to open to the unfaithful and gain understanding and compassion for their unhealthy path: choosing what seemed like getting their needs met without the messiness of true intimacy. Infidelity is ultimately an intimacy disorder. The betrayed must be open to seeing and feeling what it must be like to be so wounded, so lacking in intimacy skills, so unhealthy that everything loved in life is put at risk. This is not easy. It is incredibly painful. Over and over and over again, both partners, if they want a chance to heal, must make room for entering and feeling the world of their partner. They must acknowledge. They must empathize. Like my friend's hand, the wound will have to be tended for a long time. There will be pain. The gauze bandages wound around my friend's hand were cumbersome, unfamiliar, burdensome, time-consuming, and a constant reminder of the burning-hot grease. Even when those bandages came off, that new, tender, pink skin was sensitive. The least brush or bump sent shock waves, triggered her pain receptors. But the pain can be reduced. How? Empathy. Slowly, ever so slowly—never fast enough—her body, her self-care, the support and care of her husband and family have brought her through. Slowly, slowly, over time, acknowledgement and care, her wound has healed. Her hand has returned to full function. Because she followed the prescriptive path of healing, her skin is smoother than that of her other hand. Stronger. Even better. Could she have healed alone? Yes. As a strong, tenacious woman who was willing to take good care of herself, she would have healed. Did the love, support and empathy of her family help? Of course. Is she closer, more intimate with her spouse because of his empathy toward her and his supporting patient love? You bet. The Unfaithful must choose to move past their shame and guilt and turn toward tending the pain of their wounded Betrayed if they want to heal the relationship. They MUST. It is imperative to relational healing. Both partners have a long path toward healing of self. Like a three-legged stool—self, partner and relationship–without each leg becoming strong, the stool will collapse. There will not be relational healing. Make way for healing. Do the painful work of scraping away the unhealthy and damaged. Be patient. Healing takes enormous energy, care, and time. However, with these ingredients in place, healing will occur. There will be a stronger, wiser, more resilient 'you' down the road. If BOTH partners do their work and the work of repairing the relational wound, there will be a new "Us," a strong stool that will not topple. To healing.