Wayne Baker
by Wayne Baker, M.A., LPC
Member, Affair Recovery Expert Panel

Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Unfaithful

Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy
A 3 Part Series

Part 1: Difficulties with Intimacy
Part 2: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Betrayed
Part 3: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Unfaithful

For the couple who is trying to heal from infidelity, the marriage bed can seem like an untouchable desert full of confusion, despair, and uncertainty. The unfaithful spouse can find him or herself guilt-ridden, almost paralyzed by shame and self-hatred, wondering if they should even try to initiate sexual intimacy with their significant other. For several decades, I've walked alongside unfaithful spouses who try to do this right, and I've observed that it often feels chaotic and like they're taking one step forward two steps back.

It doesn't have to be this way. There is a way through, and there are proven steps the unfaithful spouse can take to not only help heal the marriage bed, but also—believe it or not—help make the entire process safer for both spouses. But where do you turn and who do you trust?

If you're an unfaithful spouse, I hope and pray you'll take their suggestions to heart today and not only implement their resources, but make them a priority in your own recovery. I'm sure you've realized by now, both unfaithful and betrayed alike, no one can do this for you. Our own repair work is essential, but when your significant other is willing and able to do their own work and reengage with you on an expert level, it gets easier. It gets better. And it no longer seems impossible.

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Feeling safe for the unfaithful??

What about the unfaithful feeling safe? Feeling human? Feeling validated?? Do we no longer matter because no matter the circumstances we are the bad guy? What about the pain we feel, what about feeling safe that the betrayed will not gaslight our emotions, blame shift or betray as well? There are some of us who carry the heavy weight of our sons daily, we can't function, we want to die. Then there is the betrayed who continues down a road of destruction... Gas lighting, blame shift to cover their own sins. How can one feel safe when you can't communicate, when you are forever the bad guy?

This Needs To Be Addressed

Very disappointed that this has not been addressed in AR videos. This is a serious topic and common to many.

If you’re not acknowledging

If you’re not acknowledging the damage you’ve done then why on earth would a betrayed husband ever feel safe enough around you to make you feel safe? If you’re just sitting there shirking in shame and doing nothing but endlessly making it about your needs then just leave. We don’t want you if you can’t get it together and make an effort to empathize. You’re no good to anyone in the relationship then. Go. Leave.

sexual activities after cheating

My girlfriend has been cheating on me multiple times without me knowing, now after discover this we are trying to work this out.
my question is!!! Is that normal that she feels lack of interest in me sexually? it can be because she didn't get over the feelings thoughts she had with the person she had sex with? or is that my feelings and because I didn't recover fully? I hope I explain my situation right.

What type of affair was it?

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Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas