Wayne Baker
by Wayne Baker, M.A., LPC
Member, Affair Recovery Expert Panel

Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Betrayed

Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy
A 3 Part Series

Part 1: Difficulties with Intimacy
Part 2: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Betrayed
Part 3: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Unfaithful

For couples devastated by infidelity, the marriage bed can seem like an untouchable subject, if not absolutely taboo. From comparisons to the affair partner to triggers and reminders or unhelpful and incompetent advice, it can seem impossible to find your way through.

Where do you turn when you feel overwhelmed by sadness, grief, and fear as it relates to sexuality and reclaiming the marriage bed? Who can you trust? Whose advice can you seek?

Speaking from experience, I implore you to run to trained professionals who have navigated this road and healed. Run to those who have experienced the same pain and hurt, but have found a way through the desert and have come out the other side. Run to those who specialize in caring for those affected by this level of trauma with a heart of compassion, kindness, and deep, abiding connection.

Today I'm joined with my close friend and infidelity recovery expert, Dr. John Haney, PhD, LPC. John also helps lead our monthly EMS Weekend intensives and also runs his own private practice, specializing in healing after an affair, betrayal trauma, and sexual addiction. It can feel impossible to get a grip on yourself, much less on concepts like forgiveness, reconciliation, and reclaiming sexual desire and vulnerability, but I assure you: it's an attainable goal.

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Much Needed

This video put some things into perspective and I greatly appreciate its content. Both have a wealth of knowledge and I am happy to be able to learn from your experiences. Thank you for sharing!

He fell in love with his best friend

My husband just came out with his affair with his best friend he said the sex was only for a month and that he was sorry. But my gut and mind is saying it was more then a month. They were friends for over ten years. She was the one that told him to tell me about the affair and that what ever happened she was still his friend. When my husband said he couldn’t talk to me no more, he stay with her and had a weekend get away just the two of them. I have searched on so many web sites and still have no clue what to do. I fell that the relationship has been to long and we had arguments all the time about them.My question is should I except their friendship and move on.


Hoiw does one deal with intimacy when after 45 years or so (he says he cant remember?) he feels the need to tell me
what he did 2x - as he realized after reading Revelation that whoremongers and liars (among others) would be outside the city gates and not
allowed in the Holy City. Says he did confess and repent to God some years back but felt no need to tell me as he did not want me to leave
him! Has anyone else every dealt with this? I was denied having any choice in this matter and feel he lived a lie all those years with me. I could
havew made another life for myself cause I would not have tolerated this sort of behaviour. I would never have had intimate relations with
him had I known. Feel cheap, dirty, betrayed, lied to. What does one do at this stage of life - almost 71 and 75 - leave and go where?
I wish there was someone I could talk to - however, I live in Canada and on a fixed income so difficult to attend these online events.
I would love to hear from someone though. Am praying lots. Thank you for all you do to help suffering hurting people. Nancy


Hi Nancy,

Matthew here. My situation is similar to yours although I’m only 45 and my wife lied to me for 20-25 years. I too would never have married her or had kids with her.

I am suffering so much and could hear similar suffering in your voice.

It doesn’t matter how long ago they cheated. Once we find out it is like it just happened. But we have the torture of them having to re-write our history together. Rebuild what we thought our life was.

Feel free to send me an email at matthewsimon75@outlook.com

I am based in The Southern Hemisphere so timing might be an issue.

I hope you get this message.

God bless you. You are a worthy person no matter what he did.


can't get there

My husband had a 6 year affair with a woman who has a very bad reputation in our small town. They tried to hide it through "We're really just very close friends". He never held my hand, kissed my cheek, hugged me for 8 years. If I tried to initiate, he would push my hand away or roll over always with rebuff..You're too heavy (which I was not), I have to work in the morning...I heard it all He never once admitted to me during that time but only when I was on the brink of suicide did he confess. He had not only been sexually intimate but had taken her on a vacation (he told me he just had to get away and think), He bought he a past, present and future 18K gold necklace which she flaunted on social media. He gave her money, bought her clothes and a coat, bought her meals out, cigarettes. Two months after confessing he was diagnosed with cancer and a 20% survival rate. I was his caregiver and attended every appointment and procedure with him. He is close to year 5 cancer free. Here we are 6 years after confession and I am still broken. He still blames me for the affair and frequently on the verge of tears. I cannot perform sexually now. I feel so inferior and awkward. We argue constantly. I feel he really has no attraction to me now and forces himself occasionally. He says there was really nothing between them other than being friends. Evidence proves otherwise. If he would just tell the truth so I can trust him again

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-D, Texas