Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It

I once heard it said, “love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” I’ve always believed people to be profoundly naïve about marriage, however naïveté may be even higher when it comes to life after divorce. After our previous article on infidelity and divorce and challenges faced by the injured spouse, it seemed only appropriate to address the challenges after divorce for those who have been unfaithful. Here are their thoughts… ”Divorce didn’t solve our problems- it only…
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Divorce Comments

Great Article and I agree on most parts however, you don't talk about those of us where were betrayed, wanted to work on the marriage and were forced to deal with abandonment and divorce on the heels of our unfaithful spouses leaving us for their affair partners. I do not take divorce lightly and hate the impact on my young kids however, sometimes these affairs do not blow up in time to salvage the marriage. And all the work my soon to be ex-husband has to do is all on him. I can only work on me, his issues are his to fix - if he ever chooses to take responsibility and look in the mirror.

I have no sympathy for

I have no sympathy for unfaithful spouses who have trouble healing. They should

Unfaithful Spouse Doing the Divorcing Even After Being Forgiven

What is an unfaithful spouse thinking when they are the one that has decided to leave the marriage, even after they have been forgiven by their mate? This is my situation and I just can't make any since of it. I love her and want to make a new marriage for us, but she does not even want to try.  She is not thinking about our kids.  I am daily leaning toward God and praying for a miracle.

Life after the D word

Interesting how this information is written from the unfaithful's perspective. It some ways, it enforces or provides validity to the betrayer in his or her reasoning to avoid separation or divorce. Items may be shown by research to be of common conclusion, however, when the spouse who was unfaithful chooses to remain in the patterns which led to infidelity, there is little resolution for the one "left".  Items mentioned above seem to support the unfaithful's line of blame or lack of commitment to change in that they suggest that divorce really does not make one happy.  Happy or not, the reality of the brokenness and despair is monumental and if there is not an exact, intentional, and sacrificial choice made to repair what was broken by subscribing to vows of marriage and the biblical mandate for marriage, then divorce becomes a viable solution to place one on the road to healing and self-restoration.

Life After Divorce

Thank you for the invaluable insights into life-after-divorce. I am the hurt spouse. Three years after D-day I am very hopeful for our marriage. I thank God for sparing our children the pain of infidelity and giving me Himself to forgive, love, wait and grow. Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times. Romans 12:12 NCV

Too bad, so sad

I am the injured party. Not only did my wife lie, deceive, cheat (with multiple partners), and abandon myself (and our 2 children), she blames me for everything. I tried, even after discovery, to extend grace...I begged her to stay...I didn't want a divorce. She would have no part of it. I wept, I prayed, I tried to wait for her to come back. All to no avail. And now, my heart is cold toward her. I grew tired of hurting...and she still takes no responsibility for her transgressions. Oh, she admits the affairs...but that's only because she got caught. As the injured party, I should have been the one to want a divorce...but I didn't...though I was forced to seek an attorney and begin the process (for my own protection). I have said all of that to say this: It's really too bad if the unfaithful spouse feels torment over what they have done. They deserve to feel every bit of the pain and anguish they have wrought upon their families. Fine if they can find it in them to forgive themselves...fine if the injured can find it in them to forgive the unfaithful. But, in my particular case, I was forced to let her go, and since I have, well, now I have to rebuild my life with broken pieces. I do not care about how this affects her...it SHOULD make her feel bad. Heck, if she even showed the slightest bit of remorse over this, it would go a long way to help us heal...but it wouldn't save the marriage. If the unfaithful spouse feels bad over what they have done...I say, good. They deserve it.

Intense lonliness and divorce recovery

I was married for 26 years and with my now ex for almost 5 years before we got married.  We brought 2 children into the world and had a wonderful, loving marriage and family until I found out he was sleeping with a MAN.  Then he decided that he was lying to himself all of those years we spent together and wanted to be with men and go to gay night clubs...Not only am I lonely now because I cannot seem to trust anymore, but I've been divorced now for 6 years and because of the extent of his betrayal, recovery seems impossible at times.  I had fallen in love with him at first sight when I was 19 and we were together for almost 31 years until that horrible night...not to mention that this man, who I loved and adored, became abusive toward me...how does one get over that kind of betrayal and deep hurt?

Being the Betrayer AND the Betrayed.....

I agree with the comment about how having an affair that it is the most selfish act a person could commit. After living in a loveless marriage for several years I turned to the love and affection of another man. And I can honestly say it was the most horrid mistake I could have ever made. Like mentioned above in another comment I hurt everyone that I love and care about most. The guilt literally makes me sick. I have completed 4 weeks of intensive partial inpatient treatment to attempt to deal with the consequences of what I did. My husband could not forgive me and chose to move on and have an affair also. At that point I could 100% understand the magnitude of the pain I had caused my spouse. He did at one point say he would try to work on things and broke it off with the affair partner. But he could not get anywhere near healing or forgiving and with in a few weeks had contacted a ex-girlfriend from college and proceeded to start an affair with her. The divorce has been filed and he appears to be completely content with his current relationship. I must say that I have begged for forgiveness, tried eveything I can to remedy the situation and he is cold to it all. So now I am dealing with the devestation of him leaving me and being with the new partner. While I have a great deal of remourse over what I did and suffer with it greatly, he does not care a bit about what I am going through or the devestation that he is causing by his actions. A lot of comments above say who cares about the betrayer and that they are going through and that they deserve it. I disagree, no one deserves the pain and devestation. I grieve horribly about the pain I caused my husband and I take full responsibility for what I did. We are all human and God would never want use to wish pain on others. We are all called to love and forgive others. And believe me I know how difficult that is to do. I continue to struggle with the anger that the pain causes me and have to lean totally on the Grace of Jesus to continually struggle to forgive daily.