Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It

Life After Divorce for Unfaithful

Today I’m publishing the second part of an article series we did on the difficult and sensitive discussion of divorce. If you’d like to read the first article in this series, you’ll find it here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/should-i-divorce-after-infidelity

I once heard it said, “love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” As a professional, I’ve always believed people to be profoundly naïve about marriage. However, that naïveté may be even higher when it comes to life after divorce. After our previous article on infidelity and divorce and challenges faced by the injured spouse, it seemed only appropriate to address the challenges after divorce for those who have been unfaithful.

Here are their thoughts and portions of their stories…

"Divorce didn’t solve our problems - it only delayed the resolution.”

Frequently the bitterness about the betrayal fuels the injured spouse’s anger for months and sometimes years after the divorce, making divorce recovery more difficult. “Issues of how to deal with our children weren’t solved by our divorce,” one man stated, “Rather, the kids became even more trapped between the two of us as a result of my mate’s anger about my infidelity and divorce.” Even if nothing is said to the children regarding the betrayal, ongoing anger can still cause the children to feel they are being disloyal when visiting the unfaithful mate. Making amends and doing anything possible to help your injured mate heal before and after the divorce is advisable.

"Financial support after my infidelity and divorce got complicated. Due to my guilt, I felt as if I had no choice when my mate would ask for additional financial assistance.”

While this could be a problem for any divorce, it’s complicated for those who have been unfaithful. If they feel responsible for the divorce as a result of their unfaithfulness they may feel an additional burden to help their mate. If they didn’t want the divorce, they may even use finances as a way to manipulate their ex into believing they have changed in hopes of regaining their ex-partners affection and admiration. This can lead to both parties living beyond their means, turning life after divorce into an even worse financial crisis. 

"The relationship with my children was complicated by their knowledge of my infidelity. They blamed me for the infidelity and divorce and didn’t want to see me.”

Far too often the children are used as pawns in the struggle that goes on after an affair. The injured spouse will threaten to tell the children about the infidelity to get the unfaithful spouse to conform. If that’s the case then divorce usually ends up with the children knowing what happened. This can cause the children to mirror the injured spouse’s hurt for the loss of the family and take on the same feelings of betrayal that the injured spouse exhibits. In these cases forgiveness becomes as big an issue for the children as it is for the injured spouse.

"Nothing prepared me for the intense loneliness. Many of our friends remained in support of my mate as a result of my infidelity.”

It’s one thing to split up assets; it’s another to split up friends. Many unfaithful spouses find themselves isolated after divorce due to the judgment of friends and family post-divorce. It hurts if the marriage doesn’t work out, but far too often the “infidelity factor” results in the unfaithful spouse feeling judged and isolated, losing much of their support after divorce making recovery more difficult.

 “Divorce didn’t take away my feelings of guilt for the infidelity. I thought being away from my mate would make it disappear, but it didn’t.”

“To this day, I carry a heaviness in my heart when I think of the pain that I inflicted not only on my former husband, friends and family, but primarily on my very own children. The children whom I carried within me, gave birth to, nursed, and raised are the very ones whom I have hurt the most. It hurts my soul to this day to see the agony and life-interruption  that my selfishness has caused. Nothing in the world is worth the price of one's family. No person is worth the pain inflicted upon the ones that are dearest and most-loved. To have had an affair is the single most selfish thing in the entire world that I have ever done, and I wish with all of my heart and soul that I could go back and change things or wake up to find that it was all a bad dream. Instead, I must own up to my own deception and selfishness, pray for forgiveness, and hope that I somehow am able to deter another from making the worst mistake of his or her life. It is an empty promise and a deception of self to believe otherwise. Life after divorce is heavy….trust me.” If one’s mate doesn’t extend forgiveness, the unfaithful spouse has to find forgiveness elsewhere. At the same time they may also be trapped by the bitterness created as a result of the divorce. Learning how to receive forgiveness as well as extending forgiveness are major recovery tasks for the unfaithful spouse post-divorce.

"I thought my mate’s anger would subside after the divorce, but it didn’t.”

The opposite of love isn’t hate- it’s indifference. Love and hate are both passion; all you are doing is changing the valance from positive to negative. When a relationship dies after divorce, both parties let it go and move on. There is a tombstone placed over that relationship that reads, ‘rest in peace.’ When infidelity occurs, however, this isn’t the case. Not only does the passion not die, it actually escalates to new heights.  The attachment wounds created by the infidelity can leave the betrayed spouse struggling with hatred for years to come, again making divorce recovery an uphill climb.

“Fulfillment was slower in coming than I anticipated.”

Of those interviewed, many said finding fulfillment after their infidelity and divorce was far more difficult than anticipated. They advised a significant degree of patience when it came to finding fulfillment. It is possible, but it took longer than any of them had anticipated. Research from the Institute for American Values supports this, showing that only 19% of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated were happily married five years later, while 64% of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later*. For the unfaithful spouse, letting go and moving on can be just as difficult as it is for the injured spouse. As one woman put it, “Were I to have known then what I know now about life after divorce and infidelity, I would never have even entertained the thought of being attracted and allured by another man's affection. Were I to have fully experienced and felt the magnitude and depth of pain associated with the betrayal and destruction of my family beforehand, there is absolutely no doubt that I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Ironically, however, I was fully aware of the pain and destruction of divorce because I also was affected by the devastation of my parent's divorce and swore that I would not make the same mistake. Unfortunately, I did.” Learning to find peace and forgiveness within one’s self is critical to moving on, but infidelity and divorce frequently leave the unfaithful spouse under their own self condemnation and unable to move on.

Finding new life always requires letting go and finding forgiveness within oneself. For those who are struggling with this problem, I’d highly recommend finding support through a 12 step group, pastor or therapist, along with an infidelity-specific process for healing, like Harboring Hope for the Betrayed, or Hope for Healing for the betrayer. Such support is absolutely critical for long term healing and personal restoration.

Divorce is difficult and at times, unavoidable. Our hope is that each person is restored; unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean marriages survive. It’s not fair, but recovery requires work on the part of both the injured and unfaithful spouse. When that doesn’t happen, divorce frequently occurs. I hope that being forewarned will somehow help those post-divorce on their recovery journey.

 

*Waite, Linda J., Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley. "Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages." Institute for American Values (2002). Print.

 

 

 

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Comments

This is huge! I took

This is huge! I took Harboring hope and just forwarded this to my unfaithful, soon to be ex husband. I filed 2 days ago and served him at our counseling session today. The man of my dreams has crumbled into depravity, and I know it's not up to me to save him. I truly do hope we both find peace, and have the strength to move forward and become better versions of ourselves. These recent articles/posts couldn't have come at a better time!

Divorce?

Thank you for Part I &II of this article. I have been contemplating divorce, and really trying to take my time to process everything. As the betrayed; I wanted reconciliation but he did not. I'm told that the affair is over all the whilst the other woman has befriended his family; which has placed me and my kids in an awful place. He chooses not to speak on it offer any type of way to work around these issues. This is why I've contemplated divorce. The entire thing makes me feel anxious and unsafe (emotionally) because I'm not being offered or provided with "next steps" to maintain or end the marriage. Its very confusing. Sometimes I ask myself is he doing alot of things out of guilt. This article gave me some insight

This article terrifies me.

This article terrifies me.

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