Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Expert Q and A Submission: Should we consider separating?

Should we consider separating is never an easy question to answer. There are far too many checks and balances to consider and one of the truths we take seriously here at Affairrecovery.com is that no two situations are exactly the same. Arriving at the answer takes expert insight, a process and ultimately a strategy. One of our members posted this question just last week and I figured it would be helpful for many of you who have either struggled with this question, or are in fact struggling to answer it and find a solution right now.

If you’re in crisis today and need answers, I’d highly recommend you start our Free First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity immediately. There’s really nothing like it in the country: a free, seven day program to help you both start to gain almost immediate momentum in recovery.  After you’ve done the Bootcamp, I’m confident you’ll see your situation much differently. I’m also confident you’ll see the need to go deeper and identify an ‘infidelity-specific’ protocol for your specific situation.  The time to go deeper is now. You don’t have the time to ‘wait and see what happens’ my friend. It’s about taking action both lovingly and strategically to bring about marital restoration. If it’s not possible maritally, then perhaps it will be about personal restoration? My staff and I will do all we can for you. Feel free to reach out at info@hope-now.com or call 1-888-527-2367

 

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I'm terrified of this step!

It's been over a year for me, I was the betrayed of an emotional affair. My husband has gone back and forth to his AP. He is also an alcoholic. I'm the one who is in counseling. I'm the one doing Harboring Hope. I'm the one seeking out help. This is one-sided. I know that my marriage isn't safe. But after 26 years of marriage I'm afraid of the first step. We never had children so I would be alone on this next chapter of my life. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of this step!

I can totally relate to your situation. I am at the 6 month time period after discover of my husbands multiple emotional affairs over several years (i.e. dating many women), lying about where he is going, etc.). I discovered this by accident on Christmas day when my husband handed me his cell phone so I could set up his fit bit. An email was on the screen when I opened it. I was distraught about what I read, so I forwarded it to my own email to read in privacy. Since then, my investigative abilities kicked in and I discovered the rest. I never had any reason to not trust him. My husband acts as if it is my problem. We went to joint counciling but I stopped it since he was obstinate about his privacy, continued to lie about what was going on (until I provided proof - which I did). He still will not sincerely appoligize, nor will he help me to recover. I am the only one who is working on getting through this. He just wants me to get over this and for use to resume where we were. Now, today, I discovered that he has been looking at porn on the sly. I am not a prude, but this just adds insult to injury. I am in individual counciling to determine what I want, but I think it is quickly leading to separation/divorce. So sad, after 26 great years of marriage. I really feel that there is something wrong with my husband for him to behave the way he has the last few years.

so sorry

I know what it feels like to have your world blown up through no fault of your own and to discover that the spouse be not the person you thought he or she was. I am so sorry for you and your pain. I do suggest the Ems on line course, if your husband is willing to attend. It's wonderful and though we have our issues, and some major hurdles to continue to work on, I am grateful for the tools they provided for us.

Terrified

Hello,
I was in your shoes- it's all the same except it was 11 years, not 26...

The writing is on the wall. He is not trying, and you're worth so much more. The hardest step is letting go; you'll be surprised how things fall into place after that. It will be painful, but it already is. There will be dark days; arm yourself with the counselor and a couple of good friends. It gets so much better. You're afraid of being alone, I know. But ask yourself, do you feel alone now? A turning point for me was when I realized how lonely I felt when he was in the very same room. I thought, I can feel lonely like this on my own. And you know what? I have never felt as lonely on my own as I did when he was around. That is major.

You can't change him. Only he can. The alcoholism makes it worse. Did you ever consider that it might be in the grand scheme for you two to split, that maybe it needs to happen in order for him to see his problems and fix them?

You deserve some happiness again. Find it for yourself. I know you've heard this from others and it is easy for them to say, but I just was in this situation (the deciding) last fall so I hope it helps. Best of luck to you.

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