Inconvenienced by the Betrayed's Pain: Help for the Unfaithful Spouse

Samuel shares a critical mistake unfaithful spouses make which altogether endanger the marriage.

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Pain

You help me hold on to hope with your videos. I'm an unfaithful but it seems most of the videos help in scenarios where the unfaithful doesn't "get it". It's so hard to tell what's normal when the roles are reversed.
I'm never inconvenienced by my husband's pain. I'll do whatever it takes. But what if after a year of doing everything you can, you're still shamed by your spouse? I don't want to give up but I wonder what's normal. I know it's different with betrayed males and there's little information out there where the roles are like my own.
I read some articles that mentioned shaming yourself is self-centered. But what if your spouse is always shaming? How can I NOT shame myself when my spouse does it on a regular basis? I know I deserve it but I also wonder how we will ever get to a healthy place if this becomes the new normal...

Thoughts?..

I share your pain.

As a betrayed male I want to say how grateful I am that you are here and sharing. It tough. I have no great words of wisdom about your specific situation, I wish I did. I can tell you what not coming clean and not honoring your husbands pain looks like. I am a little over 5 years past D day and 4 years past the final reconciliation. My wife refuses to talk about it, is constantly annoyed by me lack of ability to "get past it" and generally does not accept her part of it. I am the husband waiting for his spouse to "get it". So many kudos to you for your willingness to put it on the table and do your part. I can also share that there is a level of humiliation with betrayed men that is hard to see past, sometimes. As men we really want to be "needed' by our wives, for all sorts of things, (at least that is my perspective) and along with the deceit this area of you needing someone else is very damaging. I think besides the obvious programs here that you could look into, that some boundaries should be set. "Hey, you can come to me as a safe space, I want to hear your hurt and anger and accept it, but you can't abuse me or become hateful." or something to that effect. Prayers for you.
.

Amen Samuel

Amen Samuel. I have been inconvenient to my UH for almost 2 years of separation after 35 years of marriage. You said pretty much what he would say. His was drugs and women as well as deception and withholding money from income to support cocaine addiction. He skipped out on any kind of repair work and walked out on a meeting with me and our pastor. Eventually he left the state and moved 3500 miles from me almost 9 months ago.My therapist says I have been abandoned. He does provide financial support when he feels like it. He asked me to stop contacting him 6 months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I wish he would watch your videos but I suspect his response to this one would be that I just try to find people that support my view. He has not spoken to his adult daughter for the 2 years by her request, her way of managing the pain and betrayal as she was a victim in this too, caught up in it. He never tried to repair that relationship other than saying if he could talk to her he could "straighten her out" as if she were the one with the problem. I am done Samuel. It hurts tremendously and has brought me to my knees and the end of my rope. Without Christ in my life I would have melted into a puddle, He saves me. I love how you said the betrayed will even stop sharing the good stuff, so true. He claims to be a gift to his church as he is a worship leader there. But his last pastor (4th church since he left me) said that he caused friction with the leader at that church and that he never acted like he was sad about the separation and even lied to that pastor and said we just "needed a break" from the marriage, told him nothing about his behaviors. He also lied to our pastor here, I was told by that pastor. I am having a difficult time making the legal decision but I hope to do so soon. It's time. He is obviously done with me. I wish he would have chosen the path that you did but he chose himself instead. Samuel, this has been incredibly difficult, very sad, unbelievable.

How do I turn this around

HI Samual

Thank you for sharing, this hit home so much a feel ice cold. My wife (betrayed) is right there. I have struggled and failed to connect and show real empathy for most of the time since d-day (almost 14 months out).

I have an extremely stressful job, I work 7 days a week for months on end and I can see I have done so much of what you have said here. And so has she. She wanted to leave already but the COVID travel bans has meant she can't get a flight.

This week I lashed out during a moment in which she flooded and it got ugly. I don't want to be like this but I am not coping.

I know nothing can excuse my actions. I have failed, I am wrong for being like this. She deserves so much better.

I am so scared, she has withdrawn and I don't know where to start.

When is there no more hope? Can we turn this around?

I have never felt its too late until now.

you CAN turn it around....

IF you get expert help.

IF you change the pattern that you've both been locked in. 

IF you get desperate enough to get expert help. have you considered any of our programs resources or weekend intensives?

 

How do I turn this around

HI Samual

Thank you for sharing, this hit home so much a feel ice cold. My wife (betrayed) is right there. I have struggled and failed to connect and show real empathy for most of the time since d-day (almost 14 months out).

I have an extremely stressful job, I work 7 days a week for months on end and I can see I have done so much of what you have said here. And so has she. She wanted to leave already but the COVID travel bans has meant she can't get a flight.

This week I lashed out during a moment in which she flooded and it got ugly. I don't want to be like this but I am not coping.

I know nothing can excuse my actions. I have failed, I am wrong for being like this. She deserves so much better.

I am so scared, she has withdrawn and I don't know where to start.

When is there no more hope? Can we turn this around?

I have never felt its too late until now.

Dagger of Truth I needed to hear

Thank you for this message. It hit me like a dagger to the heart, as only Truth can. I have believed for many years that my husband's pain from my infidelity and his inability to get over it has been more his issue than mine. I have been learning so much over the past fews ever since he came to a point of drawing a line in the sand with me, telling me he couldn't keep doing relationship this way. He definitely got my attention. Though I have had good intentions over the years, I have been realizing that what really matters is the truth and the reality of what's going on in my mind and heart as well as the status of my marriage relationship, which is not determined by me alone. Surprise, but my husband has his experience (of the past and his relationship with me) and his feelings that are separate and different than mine. Note to self: I don't dictate what is true and real for someone else. I know I have not been listening to him...I mean truly hearing him because of my own self protective and deceptive coping mechanisms. What hit me between the eyes with your message is that my husband has been trying to share with me, begging me to see him, to walk with him so he doesn't feel alone...to show him that I really care. To have empathy. He continues to give me chance after chance to engage differently. It scares me to death to lose him because he is the love of my life. Even more tragic, to ALLOW his love for me to slowly die. Though I have heard him plea with me countless times, though I have good intentions, though I have done some work, I find myself so humbled by the reality of where things are truly at. I have a lot of work yet to do. It begins with viewing my husband's pain and plea for me to engage with empathy as the TRUE GIFT it is to me (instead of an inconvenience). What he wouldn't have given had I done the same instead of saying nothing and looking outside my marriage as a solution to my problems. I always appreciate your willingness to speak hard truths, Samuel. I have and continue to learn so much.