Can My Spouse Change?

If you were to meet me about 8 years ago, I’d tell you I was a completely different person. More importantly, my wife Samantha who is probably the best judge of what type of a person I was and am now, will tell you, she had a special cuss word for me. It’s not uncommon that we’ll have a jovial moment together in the kitchen or in bed where she’ll say I’m so glad you’re not the ******* you used to be, and I’ll reply with I’m so glad you’re not the ***** you used to be either. And we’ll laugh pretty hysterically. I know, for some of you in crisis right now, it’s a reach. But if we can get there I’m quite sure you can too.

Now I don’t recommend this banter without incredible healing and restoration for both of you, or without a great deal of professional help and help from Affair Recovery’s resources.

For us it works and it’s true and truer every year of recovery.

I was incredibly self-absorbed and incredibly pompous as a pastor, a leader and husband. My apprehension or lack thereof regarding real life, grace, God, failure and perfection were more skewed than I care to remember. My affair ruined my reputation, my life, and hundreds of other individuals caught in the crosshairs. But in reality, it was the way I was saved from becoming what I would have ended up being more of and I thank God I was rescued the way I was. I wish it could have been another way, and I sincerely wish I was man enough to end things on my own. Yet I wasn’t and I still have consequences in my life from time to time by being a public personality who failed miserably.

Nevertheless, our restoration was in institute of incredible change as Samantha has changed radically and admits to it. I also have changed and am a much different person than I once was. If you’re wondering if your spouse can change, whether betrayed or betrayer, I would shout from the roof tops a resounding YES they certainly can.

But if you want to see them change, one of the most important things you can do is to get help to change yourself and your own response patterns first. Without this ownership of your own dysfunction and patterns of behavior, you’ll be hard pressed to have your own moments in the kitchen thanking them they’ve changed and are no longer who they used to be. Most don’t see change as they won’t work on themselves and own up to their own struggles first. This is why it’s so hard for the unfaithful, as wanting to change and being willing to change early on is incredibly difficult, especially when your spouse is in the middle of immense grief.  But, I assure you, it’s possible.

My wife Samantha will be the first to tell you she is no longer the controlling, unhappy wife who would reject me sexually and only focus on the kids. It in no way excuses my behavior, or blames the affair on her, but she owns what she needs to own and we’re far more healthier than we’ve ever been. I owe that to God’s grace, but also to Rick and his EMS program. Without that, I’m scared to think of where we’d be and who I’d be.

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can my spouse change

This article gave me hope and I felt validated with my steps after reading what Samantha did to change. I too have tried to understand my role in our relationship pre-affair and what he was lacking from me. I am trying but I am also desperately insecure which makes him miserable and not understanding why I just cant trust him only weeks since the ending of the affair. I was glad to read this article and realize that maybe, just maybe, I am on the right path.

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