I hate to fail. At anything. It ruins me, one could say. Being a performance driven individual, and growing up under a reward-driven system of affection, I’ve always been a very driven, performance based individual.

An odd disconnect though, is that I had never been consumed with succeeding at marriage, but only succeeding at my traveling schedule, financial stability, investing and personal accolades.

When I failed at my marriage I failed big. I’m not sure I could have failed in a bigger way than I did.

When really began to grasp what I had done to my wife Samantha and so many others, it was almost incapacitating. Getting healthy meant walking through my pain at first.

They say the truth will set you free, but first it will make you incredibly miserable.

I’ve learned to see my failure was a gift to me and a saving grace to my marriage and my family. As Richard Rohr says often times, “Through failure, we are brought from an unconsciousness to an ever deeper consciousness and conscience.” It’s true. Through my failure, I was rescued from myself, and from an even deeper betrayal to my wife and family. It was a gift to be stopped in my tracks and rescued from the duplicity and double life.

Samantha would agree, though she’d tell you she wished it would have come a different way.

Though I hate failure, I had to fail to achieve the consciousness and conscience I have now.  Without the humility gained by failure, I’d never be able to escape self-centeredness and grow in true compassion.

Think about it. People only come to this deeper “consciousness” by struggling with their contradictions, conflicts, inconsistencies and, unfortunately, moral failure.

Though we may wish an awakening would come in a different form, it’s the moral failure that will save us from continuing as a human wrecking ball. I’m a much more ‘real’ person now who can relate to people in a whole new way. Humility is a way of life rather than something I talked about, but was thousands of miles away from. Samantha and I are able to relate and talk on a level we never even knew possible.

Samantha would tell you the same truth. Though she would have traded the way it happened, she’s eternally thankful for the transformation in both our lives.  Through both our struggles, and through the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the ungodly amounts of fragility and unpredictability of it all, has come wisdom, grace and perspective. Without all the suffering we would never have been renewed.  We simply won’t change of our own accord. Let’s face it, most of the time we are too full of ourselves, or full of life’s challenges and “have to’s” to hear the need to change or transform. 

My old life and personality has been ruined, and I’m totally fine with that.