Why The Unfaithful Get So Angry

Many times during our discussions early on in the recovery process, even after we met Rick by the way, anger was a normal part of our lives.  We were smart to never let it fully unleash in front of the kids who were pretty young at the time, but it was there:  simmering….waiting for a chance to manifest.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to get angry when Samantha wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t always show it, but internally, I was about to burst.  I don’t know if anger was the most definitive term, but perhaps better, more descriptive words would be short, trite and borderline uncooperative. 

I genuinely felt terrible about what I did.  I felt like I was a complete failure and had let down so many, including myself.  Let’s face it; I did let down an incredibly long list of people, starting first with my wife, then a litany of other caring individuals who suffered immensely due to my selfish choices.

My anger was in many ways due to how angry I was at myself, for failing.  I was also angry at Samantha as early on, I was deceived enough to think that if she had just been a better wife I’d have never done what I did.  That if she’d been more attentive to my needs, then maybe I wouldn’t have fell for the advances of my affair partner and not have needed what she was giving me.  Like we talked about last time with regard to shame, many times I was yelling at myself, though I was yelling verbally at Samantha.  A colossal mistake indeed. 

Yet, as I got healthy, and got the right kind of help, I was able to see that Samantha would never have been enough due to how self-absorbed I was and that no amount of attention or affection would have satisfied the gaping hole I had in my heart for security. 

Nevertheless, I was angry at what I was having to go through, due to my own choices and I was angry that I had put myself in this position.  Looking back, one of the manliest things I could have done, (and I did start doing after I came to my senses a bit and listened to Rick) was the list below:

1.      Humble myself.  I had to realize, I had committed this great act of selfishness and the best thing I could do was take it, suffer the consequences, pray hard and draw close to God and accept what was coming my way.  I had done it, and I had to suffer the consequences.  It was NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT.  Just mine. 

2.      I had to give permission to Samantha to be angry.  Not literally, as she has her own rights, but I mean in my own posture and in my own mind, I had to understand, she has the right, all rights, to be as angry as can be, and be bitter and grieve.  I had no right to be angry at her for being angry at my failure and betrayal.  I had to give her that right in my own mind, as then I couldn’t get defensive about the anger or bitterness or questions, but realize she deserves to be angry and she deserves to lash out.  I’ve betrayed her in so many ways I’ll never be able to realize and she deserves and has the right to do whatever she needs to do to heal and eventually get beyond this pain and trauma.

3.      I had to accept the fact that I had failed and that I blew it.  It was a dark moment, but I had to realize I had in fact, betrayed my wife and altered her life and thousands of others due to my choices.  Yet, as one author says, failure is an event not a person.  I had to in turn, forgive myself, and realize I still had value, and still had worth and still had purpose.  Life was not over for me.  Though I didn’t know it, or understand what was going to happen, I had to allow myself to embrace the failure and realize it was OK to go on, enjoy my kids, do my best to enjoy time with Samantha and still hate what I did.  I had to realize, no one was going to move forward for me, and though I had to grieve for what I did and what I lost due to my own choices, I still had to move on in life and pursue the next season and chapter of my future. 

I hope this encourages you and gives you some perspective.  If I can clarify anything or provide any further insight, please feel free to let me know.

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Why is unfaithful spouse angry?

He keeps telling me of how bad his anger is,. He says he is capable of forgetting something/anyone in his life. He says he is known to be principled and hardly follows the crowd. He says that his angry utterances are jokes when its pointed out to him. He says that most things he says are often times misinterpreted. Are these subtle threats to me or is he re-assuring me? If I take him up then his cheating was deliberate and he lied that he didn't know how it started, a 2 year affair that I'm not sure is over. He refuses counseling, talking and reacts with anger when the issues come up. He is all over me thanking me and promising to pamper me but never once swore to future fidelity. He bluntly refused to hand over passwords and keeps his devices unfailingly out of site. He was viewing porn well into the early hours shortly after discovery. To ensure I go to sleep, he would insist I pray. Then he sits back to view BBW. I begged him not to do things behind me that were unfaithful, porn was something I'd made clear was wrong between couples. He carried on with this when I was still freshly devastated from his affair. He inquires about my emotions and before I utter a word, he rushes in changing the topic. He later points out that I go around moping and every time he asks how I am doing, I reply that I'm fine. Which is true because its extremely painful to see the hypocrisy in his insincere concern. I had no idea that my dismissive ploy, replying that I was fine, would be used against me. Everytime he says he loves me, is devastating because he was saying the same while his affair was going on. He was telling me and everyone who cared to listen that I am his life, his world. Question is, is it possible that this individual, my husband is manipulating me to suit his whims in your opinion? I believe so, prayed for him and for myself and have to a great extent emotionally checked out and making a future for my good. Do reply, thank you.

Unfaithful spouse angry

Friends, I have wondered the same thing about my husband. He is doing a lot of the same things you have mentioned plus telling people that he loves me and wants only me ( telling me that, too) but still keeping things hidden and not talking about his affair and getting angry when I ask questions. If he loves me, as he says he does, why would he be so angry at me for asking? Why would he verbally abuse and physically intimidate? He says he wants and loves me and wants to work it out and then does things Like scream in my face, call me horrible names, pull back his fist, ..... I could go on and on. I have prayed for 8 months for a change, but I too am beginning to wonder if this is manipulation.

Writing a Christian Novel on this subject

Dear Samuel I want to thank you for your courage to be honest and forthright on this matter. It sounds like God's grace is working mightily in your life. I've seen how Hollywood glamorizes and glosses over marital affairs. But when I hear and read about accounts like yours it sobers me like a hard slap in the face. I've read that having an affair is an addiction. This reminds me of the old TV commercials I saw while growing up. They said if you don't smoke, don't start. If one hasn't had an affair, it's best not to start. I believe I've been led to write a Christian Novel on this subject to show the consequences of a man who seeks to get his social needs met outside of God given boundaries. I read books, listen to broadcasts and come to sites like yours to base my story on reality. I'll tell you what, it provokes me to want to stay on the straight and narrow and avoid tempting situations. I even had accountability friends to stay in touch with. I've entitled the book, The Allurement. Blessings to you and yours.

Christian novel

When your novel is published, please let me know. I would love to read it. My husband gets angry at me for asking questions about his second emotional affair with the same coworker, and the anger manifests itself in verbal and physical abuse. I have been praying for 8 months for him to see the Light and maybe save our 35 year marriage, but so far nothing seems to be changing. I recently moved out of our home so I could be safe and try to find peace and some way to forgive. Forgiveness is difficult since he just doesn't want to come clean about any of it and wants me to " get over it". I have read at least 12 books on infidelity, but would be interested in a novel addressing the consequences and how they are dealt with for both the betrayer and the betrayed.

unfaithful spouse

I was really touched by your honest regarding your affair and I wish my husband would have done the same 4 months ago when I've discovered his emotional affair. We tried to talk about it but he denied at first saying that a fling is nothing and we should move o. At the end we got so exhausted and started hating each other that I am temporarily leaving the house with our triplets to give us some space to think about what happened. Our unhappy marriage didn't help at all and my mother in law sickest made him realise that he was unhappy and didn't want finish his life unhappy and told me that he misses me the one I was 15 years ago. I do understanding and I love so much my heart is breaking. He told me that he needs time to think about everything (his life and us). I just pray and hope that we will find each other again. Thanks a million for being so honest.

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