The Reasons I Lied

When I hear the words liar or cheater, I get a yucky and icky feeling in my stomach. I do not have the strength to face the realization that all of us are broken, without also knowing all people are able to choose humility and redemption. If I don't accept the possibility for change and repentance, I will drown in a spiral of shame.

It is hard to look back on my life and admit or pinpoint when I started telling lies instead of the truth. Like water is to a fish, it is something I have always lived with. That might sound strange to some, but perhaps a better way to explain would be to say that I have always lived with fear. Fear and anxiety that the truth is often an ugly thing, and I didn't see much repentance, acceptance, or forgiveness in my family of origin.

I do recall when I was in first grade, I had a really strict and harsh teacher. She clicked her heels when she walked and she was NOT warm and nurturing. I am not sure why, but one day I remember doodling on the corner of my desk with my pencil. The concept of school property and defiling it was lost on me. I am pretty sure I was just bored. However, my teacher discovered my wrongdoing and I was immediately sent to the office. She had written a note home for me to give to my parents. The note explained what I had done and I was to write out 100 times on a piece of paper "I WILL NOT WRITE ON MY DESK". It took me almost a week to tell my parents and I hated the teacher for that.

Is my sin and shame nature that inherent? Partly, I believe yes. I can be extremely stubborn and there is a really selfish part of me that wants to point the finger and avoid responsibility. I did write on the desk, after all. Justification is often a defense mechanism of choice. I remember thinking "what's the big deal? I can erase it. It is in pencil after all". But looking at it from a different view, what if every first grader in the school wrote on their desks in pencil? The truth about me is I can have an awfully defensive heart. Apparently this has been around since I was in first grade...

Why do people lie?

Lying is wrong. God says so and anyone that has been lied to can testify to how much it destroys a relationship and what we were made for. Being told I was wrong was never a good motivator for me to change. Actually, being told I was wrong only deepened my resolve to bury and hide the shame and guilt I felt for doing it in the first place. My mother was good at that. Her entire approach to sex before marriage was "don't do it... it is wrong". But that's an entire other blog for another day.

The thing I know I have needed through life is acceptance and understanding. It's crazy, because I know I don't deserve that! When I finally started to hear and trust that I wasn't alone, and that my lying came out of a place of fear, I started to understand. Fear of conflict, fear of losing people, and fear of loss of acceptance are just a few of the many reasons I chose dishonesty. Deep down there was a desire to be honest, but I never figured out how to do it - until Affair Recovery. It was just easier to lie, or so I thought. Now I can see that my lying always kept me distant and unavailable. Sure, my lying devastated my husband and almost cost us our marriage. But lying also crippled my own ability to be intimate.

I am living proof that rehabilitation can occur. Do I still want to lie? Not really. I sometimes catch myself wanting to exaggerate or maybe omit a detail from my day with my husband. If I feel that way, it is almost always coming from a place of fearing rejection. I aim to push through and share anyway. And that icky feeling in my chest? It always goes away after the truth.

Telling my husband the entire truth of my infidelity and my past was the most difficult thing I have chosen to do. Working with my counselor for the past two years, has uncovered events in my childhood that have felt like pulling a rope of thorns and needles out of my chest through my heart and throat and out into the open. But what is not spoken, cannot be healed.

If you have been lied to, you don't deserve that. On behalf of every unfaithful person out there, including me, we had no right to transfer our junk and shame onto you like that. If you are the liar, choose reform. Choose to figure out the sickness and the sin of it.

Choose honesty.

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I’m thankful for your honesty here. I don’t believe that this journey is gentle on either side of the trauma of infidelity. I’m struggling with letting my husband know my pain without shaming him or making myself feel worse because I want my concerns to be heard. I’m not going to bury my head in the sand anymore. I’m wanting to heal from the trauma of the years of deception. I want the abracadabra wand for letting go of the heavy baggage from the years of lies. Trusting once again? How does one do this after being in a relationship that wasn’t the real deal for the unfaithful?

Thanks for your honesty and

Thanks for your honesty and for reaching out. I know that even though my initial responses to my husband's pain (triggers, etc) can initially be shame, I am continually getting better at working hard to get past that and just be so grateful he shares. I hope your husband will find the same...and be grateful you share your pain with him. Intimacy for us is built when we can talk about the hard and ugly stuff. As far as trusting again, that's the price and part of this I HATE for you and every betrayed spouse. Perhaps you've given me thoughts on how to put words to this in a future journal/blog. You have my heart and mind longing to go deeper with this question.

The reasons I lied

Another great courageous blog post. I really admire you putting it out there to help people. I know it’s not easy especially to admit something like this. I’m with you in this sin. I honestly don’t know why or when it started for me either. I know I have and have had a huge trouble with my self esteem. That is not an excuse and I feel so sad that my poor husband Has to go through all this as I deal with all of my baggage so late in life. I am very thankful that Gods love and forgiveness is my anchor in the storm. I’m so thankful that my husband hasn’t given up on me even when I want to give up on me at times. It is the most gut wrenching thing to See yourself for what you are. I agree saying the word liar seems so ugly. It is. Let’s face it. It hurts Us and it hurts everyone around us. Gods word says the truth shall set us free. Initially it doesn’t feel like it does. It seems to make things worse but God’s word also says that he can make beauty from our ashes. I am seeing that he can. It is not easy and it’s nothing that happens overnight. Thank you for using your pain and experiences to help others.

Amen to everything you said.

Amen to everything you said. I love your reminder's of God's grace and promises of forgiveness. I can't fathom it, but I am so thankful for it. Never in my life have I lived continuously under such an umbrella of grace and gratitude. It's strange finding our new sense of worth in unworthiness, isn't it? I appreciate your encouragement and hope you both are finding your way through this painful process of healing.

I needed this

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Deep down my dishonesty and manipulation came out of fear. I have an issue of wanting to be liked and accepted and thought to be a perfect person. But of course because of the choices I made, it still made me out to be the opposite. This is something I need to read to myself everyday because it is easy to get sucked into shame and think bad things about myself. I’m not a horrible person because I didn’t unpack my baggage. And it’s about time I chose to do so. To healing!

I am hoping you are still

I am hoping you are still finding the courage to overcome your fear and shame. Thank you for reading!

I am truly only two days into

I am truly only two days into all of this - I am scrambling, and floundering, broken and have broken my husband. I cannot see anything clearly, and I can only pray that this is the beginning of something. Too many thoughts to comment specifically right now, but please know that when u came across your blog every single word is resonating with me. I am feeling this tiny tiny ember that I’m holding onto. So as I move forward, know that someone out here is grateful to you and to others who are sharing. Thank you more than you know.

Well, you are really early on

Well, you are really early on and you have a long road ahead. But please remember we have all been exactly where you are. It is precisely the beginning of something. Keep knowing that is true and best to you. PS. Free advice: take every class and course at AR that you can!


Hi there.!! You’re going to be OK. I am 3 months from discovery and I promise you it’s gets better. I can feel
what you feel. It’s the worst. Watch some videos on AR. They truly help. The work is tough. The road does seem endless but we have to carry on Wishing you peace.


I am very glad you have shared this!! My hope is that my wife too will want freedom from her lying habits to cover the deeper issues in her heart. We are now about two weeks from D-day! I'm cautiously proceeding. She says there is no other discovery but my concern is that she has become so immune and callose that she won't share for fear of rejection. This will limited her ability to become total free and continue to hinder our recovery. Thanks for sharing!

I see you are new here.

I see you are new here. Thanks for posting. Have you and or your wife signed up for the classes? I highly recommend she take Hope for Healing. It will be an important course for her journey. I can't speak into Harboring Hope because I haven't taken it, but that is also a good option. Everyone here has been two weeks out before. It is early, and fragile, and scary. But just keep walking forward, a step at a time.

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-D, Texas