Are You Dealing with Therapist Induced Trauma after Infidelity?

Samuel discusses how we can be traumatized by well meaning therapists and authority figures.

Add New Comment:

Comments

Reconciliation

Samuel, we have seen so many of your videos, and taken the 13 week course. They have helped us more than any therapy we have received!

After listening to your video, I was wondering if your position is that every single instance of infidelity can be dealt with successfully. You mentioned sociopath, narcissist, addict, and was wondering if and when a dissolution of the marriage might be warranted. I mean, granted that you and I are willing to take honest and fundamental steps in healing our marriages, but I'm certain that this is not the case each and every time. What are the criteria that will determine if a marriage can be healed? On another note, each person has a different ability to deal with trauma, and maybe there are instances that emotionally, someone's ability to handle this trauma is beyond their scope, and will haunt them for the rest of their lives. Is this a way to live?

Are there marriages where a dissolution is the best course, either for one or both spouses?

I do have friends that are dealing with these issues, and have recommended your program, but some have separated and others live in misery

it's possible....

hi there.  thank you for watching and posting.  I do believe every situation can be healed and restored if: 

1. both parties are committed to the process and willing to do whatever it takes to heal 

2. both parties find expert help from someone like Rick's status and expertise

3. both parties will put into practice what that expert process recommends and suggests.  

Where many couples find a breakdown is that one spouse is willing to do all three of these, but the other one is not and in those situations, it's very tough to see situations healed and restored.  it's just the truth of the matter when you don't have two willing spouses.  i hope that answers your questions(s).  thank you again.

 

Hi Samuel

Thank you for all your insight. A major hurdle in my affair recovery was when our therapist repeatedly wanted to work on the marriage and not really deal with my husbands affairs. It was like I was suppose to forget the lies and deception for the last 6 years and focus on the marriage. It was painful and I refused to negate the past. Anyway, we are better now. TY

you're very welcome....

it's a hurdle for many people and I'm sorry for the pain.  I totally get it and the frustration you had to overcome.  thanks for posting and watching my friend.  means a ton.

 

When we went to MC, our

When we went to MC, our therapist told my UH that he did not have to make a choice "that night" about giving up his AP. In reflection, that was a turning point - my UH heard I don't have to decided until I want to (if ever). Needless to say I was so traumatized by this statement.The therapist wanted us to focus on the marriage - practice positive communication skills while I was in a state of trauma from being blindsided by the news. The therapist also focused on me most of that first session - hammering away at me about why I had kept messages from the AP and why I would do that to myself. I felt shamed and blamed for my UH's behavior and trying to piece together my reality b/c my UH would not give me any information. I felt attacked. It was horrible. Traumatizing.

me too!

Oh my goodness, this is my story too. When my husband balked at my ultimatum which was "end the affair or I will end our marriage" saying that I was "holding him hostage," the therapist agreed and told me "you can't make him do it." I discovered he was using my personal ipad, the same one that our kids use, to look at porn, and decided he could no longer have the password, she told me that if I did that it wouldn't be good for "our dynamic." I can't believe that I stayed with that woman for 2 years after discovery. Oh yeah, she told me I should hold a crystal to manage my resentment.... all the while he was still acting out, not properly disclosing, and punishing me for being upset.

im so sorry my friend. it happens all the time.

i hope you're doing OK now.  i'm so sorry

Therapy Induced Trauma

I don't know if this was Traumatic, but it I think it certainly has made my journey, which began 288 days ago, more difficult and delayed the beginning of healing. My unfaithful wife was told by two general therapist and a close relative, after sharing our story, that it isn't surprising that she would have an affair. I think she justifies the affair in her mind because she cannot cope with the amount of trauma her actions have caused. I am still trying to overcome these "acts of kindness" that validate my wife's affair. We have recently started the AR Boot Camp and I have realized personally that I need expert help and I am not getting that in current therapy avenues. I have connected with Dr. Hainey and I think I have my wife finally convinced of the value for expert care. Thank you for putting all of this information together in one place. One topic I would recommend is the damage to recovery general therapist and armchair therapist can do and perhaps a general overview of what purpose those types of confidants should serve in the affair recovery process.