Are You Longing for What You Had?

Samuel shares key points on how to break free from longing for the past.

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This is so very timely for me

This is so very timely for me and is exactly where we are in our recovery. As the UW, I couldn't grasp the concept of Grieving...the understanding that we miss "the thought of" really hit me and helped me understand what I'm grieving and why I was continuously making mistakes in helping my H feel safe. It was because I was refusing to let go of "the thought of" what we had and my steps in recovery revolved around that core feeling. I'm grieving the "thought of what we had" and had to learn that I need to Bury that Marriage (Michael Wells), give it to Christ, and trust God to resurrect something new.
God Bless

so glad it helped...

even more glad you're here and on the site and vlog.  thank you for posting.  don't give up my friend.  one day at a time, one moment at a time and you'll get through this.  

Non supporters

You mentioned Samantha had to suspend some friendships that were not supportive of healing your marriage. How do you do this when it is relatives? I am having a hard time being with my in laws. My brother in law set my husband up with 2 of his affairs, they cheated together. Even though my BIL has now confessed his affairs to his wife (my husband’s sister) he did not tell her about providing my husband with APs and she wants no information about his many years of infidelity. I have had to keep this secret for 8 months protecting everyone else. This is even harder because they don’t understand why we can’t visit them (it would be very painful for me and my teenage children at this time, 18 months after first DDay, 8 months after knowing of the BIL) and see me as unforgiving. They are very Godly people and their advice is I should just forgive, forget and move on. This is what my MIL did when my FIL cheated and is what my SIL is doing now. They feel I am putting my husband through too much therapy, requiring too many answers and expecting too much from him. I don’t want us to stuff the pain and let my husband ignore the consequences of his choices, I want a better, stronger marriage. We have done EMS weekend (with my husband lying and relapsing after), I have done HH (before I knew of the 2 additional affairs with my BIL) and my husband is now in H4H. I feel we are finally making slow progress but my husbands family is still interfering (a problem in our marriage even before the affairs). Even though we live 3 states away my husband speaks with them almost daily and his mother makes comments frequently about not seeing the grandkids even though I have said they are welcome at our home anytime. I understand my husband is caught in the middle but how can he support my boundaries without spilling the whole mess of lies and secrets?

very tough....I'm sorry...

man, that's tough.  i'm so sorry for the pain and layers you're going through.  at some level, if you spill the mess it will complicate things even more as then you'll have the phone ringing off the hook even more, there will be more drama, more conversations etc and it will probably add to the mess of it all.  maybe one day down the road it can come out, or maybe down the road a while you can address it, but i would continue to protect yourself and your boundaries after all you've been through.  sometimes, there isn't a great answer but you've got to have thick skin and refuse to give in to the pressure being put on you.  i don't have easy one off answers for you, but it sounds like you have to continue to remain strong in your boundaries and not let them continue to geet involved more than they already are.  maybe, you can talk to your husband to and let him know that you're not going to allow this to become evn more of a soap opera and that if he can't stand up for you and protect you, you will be protecting yourself.  that may mean sharing more information, that may mean having direct, confrontive conversations with family members, that may mean some tough love for the entire family and that he needs to step up his game and protect you and come to your defense or things could get even more difficult.  

Building the new

I am 7 months after my first D Day. I know I am grieving. My husband was an active sex addict for over 35 years of our 43 year marriage. I want to be able to build the new one day. But this has encompassed an entire lifetime of a 30 year old child. all three children's high school, college, and professional graduations, 2 children's' weddings, the births of 5 grandchildren, the deaths of our parents, I can go on and on. And I usually do. Let alone the usual events like holidays and vacations. Is there any hope for someone in our situation? I do have a CSAT therapist as does he. But mostly it just feels hopeless to me. Thanks for listening.

very sorry for the delay...

yes, there is absolutely hope.  but, and no disrespect, a csat alone isn't the answer.  you need high level, indepth care, like an intensive.  i would attend the ems weekend asap found here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend  then you're possibly going to need to consider something called EMDR which is for trauma care as you've certainly been traumatized and will need that.  it's probably best to consider that post-ems weekend, as at the weekend you'll be with trauma AND addiction experts.   i'm sure it feels hopeless my friend, but it's not and it doesn't have to be, but it will continue to feel that way until you get a comprehensive protocol like the ems weekend and then emdr.  i hope that helps.  happy to continue the dialogue with you. but nothing within your quick story says it's hopeless.  

Memories of the past seem ruined

We are almost one year out from original D-day and about 6 months from full disclosure of all infidelity.
We are in a much better place on most days than I could have ever dreamed. It’s still like riding a yo-yo and I still battle triggers. With the help of therapy, patience from my husband and working together to learn about healing from infidelity, we are making progress. It’s a bit erratic at times but still progress.
I battle a huge conflict inside of me right now that I am not sure how to handle. I feel like our past together is ruined and was a lie. The cheating took place with multiple women over the span of 10 years. We have been married 15 years and have two sweet boys. Two of them were one year affairs. The others were one night stands. I’m not sure how to look back on all of these years and memories and not feel like they are haunted with the ghost of these women. Through the births of our children, the death of one of our babies. It’s hard for me to look back at the memories that we had and not feel they are ruined. I don’t know how to find a place where I can still find happiness in the memories with him. I’ll always cherish what I have with my little ones, but the memories between just he and I feel like lies. What did you and Samantha find helpful to overcome this hurdle?

hi there sorry for the delay

it's normal to feel that way honestly.  and it's not been a super long time for those feelings to fade or be dealt with.  she felt that way too, but with time and healing she was able to cherish the objectivity of the moment if you will, as the kids were still feeling great joy and happiness and there was a beauty to the moment, that's been tarnished.   it's been crushed.  but, with time and forgiveness you'll be able to look back at that moment and appreciate what was there.  not now, and not till there is a great deal of healing and joy at what your marriage is NOW.  until that is there, it will be hard to look back and not have great despair about the realization of what was going on.  you can eventually cherish the kids and the moments and the joy, but it still stings.  the sting decreases immensely with time and healing.  have you done harboring hope on the site at all?  you can find it here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  that will help you with memories and pain and forgiveness.  also, as you grieve through those memories you'll also be able to have more peace about those times.  once we were about 2.5 or 3 years down the road there wasn't as much sting as we were building new memories and they were overshadowing the pain of the past as the new was soo good and rich?  does that make sense?  sorry for the delay friend. 

 

Much appreciated

Thanks for your reply. I definitely think that I spend too much time expecting to be farther into recovery than we/I actually am. Patience is not my strong suit especially when personal pain is involved. Just wanting to have that feeling of “normal” and “familiar” back instead “hurt” and “betrayal” can be overwhelming. We are going to do EMS online, because we both would like the peer support from other couples dealing with these same issues.
We have been in therapy alone and together since d-day, but for me I feel we could benefit from the interaction with others going through this and knowing that we aren’t the only couple who struggles with these infidelity related issues. This website/video blogs are such a great help! Thankful to you and your wife for putting yourselves and your story out there. My husband and I both think you are both very brave and selfless in that act! Thanks again and have a blessed holidays!

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