Fifty shades of….

If you’ve been on social media today, you probably know the trailer for the upcoming movie Fifty Shades of Grey has come out in a flurry of illicit excitement. I’m pretty active on social media, and to see and read the comments by so many is a bit humorous, but also frighteningly indicative of a gaping need we have inside our marriages for this sort of eroticism.

For those suffering the effects of infidelity, the idea that this sort of intense sexual excitement can one day be active within the confines of marriage, especially a marriage after infidelity, can seem laughably unrealistic.

I’d like to take today to share with you that it is in fact possible and available.

But it takes work. After all, what’s easy isn’t usually the right road. It was easy with our affair partners to cultivate this sense of erotic intensity based upon lies, deception, lust, and perpetual newness. It wasn’t real life with bills to pay, kids to raise, pressures to perform in life and business and endless opportunities for offense and disagreement.

Years ago, I too fell prey to the idea that marriage was where fun and erotic behavior went to die. It’s just not true. This message is based on cynicism and unbelief, which is more than pervasive in society’s views about marriage. Samantha and I have had incredible seasons of erotic behavior, with clean consciences and freedom even post–affair. The problem is that it takes work, creativity, planning and sometimes outside help from trusted expert sources. We think it should be easy. We think we shouldn’t have to ‘work at it’ when it just clicked with our affair partner, even though for many (though not all) we originally clicked with our spouse early on. That click we felt with our affair partners was usually a fantasy anyway and not real.

The truth is, life gets in the way. It just does not cater towards healthy and exciting sexuality in marriage.

An erotic marriage requires work and humility. An erotic marriage, post-infidelity, requires expert help, work, humility and a commitment on both sides to do what it takes to achieve an exciting and fulfilling sex life. It seems that in the media and over the cultural airwaves of society, we hear about more couples who do NOT enjoy exciting marital sex than those who do.  It’s very possible, but as I said before marital eroticism requires humility, openness, vulnerability and availability. These shades of necessary steps are progressive in nature and will not just happen. No one bonks you on the head and suddenly you’re incredibly passionate for your spouse. It requires a process and more understanding than you can imagine. While Samantha and I have not ‘figured it all out’ in the least, we have gained incredible ground in the fight against cynicism, deadness and apathy in marital sexuality.

I hope and pray its one day the same for you. Don’t give up. It’s possible. 

Add New Comment:


I really think there is a big

I really think there is a big difference here between who was betrayed male or female. Our sex life is much better now then it was before my wife's affairs and is getting better all the time and it is under a year but I was able to understand how important is was for me to be able to heal our marriage. I do think that in most cases but not all men have a higher need for that closeness that one feels from sex. It is that need I think that acts as an added incentive to learn to over come hesitations. To me it was the real key to hope for a better marriage. I also did not dig deep I did not need to know all so images were not problems that were not controllable. I also understood that I needed to add more love and. Passion into our sex life if I was ever going to pull my wife back from were she has been very freeing in many ways because I have become more open about our sex more talkative in an a temp to brake down any barriers that may have been erected. To say that we are there would not be all together true but it is going to be fun trying to get there.

Since of intimate rejection

Thanks for the post and I really appreciate it. It's been about a month since my wife told me she was having an affair. I feel so greatful to God that she had the strength to tell me she had an emotional affair for about 5 months and a physical affair for 2-3 months. When she first told me the physical part was easier to accept than the fact that she had told him she loved him. I give her the credit for making the healing go quite quickly by being so open and honest.

On Dday, She arranged for our 4 kids to go stay with family while we went to the somewhere open and relaxing to have some time to talk. Once she told me she was having an affair, I asked her tons of questions from how, to where, and how much. I probably asked too much detail, but I had to know if she was going to be honest, after all the dishonesty.
I took the next week off to be with her and try to sort out where we were headed. I bought lots of books including Love Dare, and read the 5 love languages in a single sitting. I was driven to start building a relationship God will be proud of. Months before she told me, I had been feeling conviction that I was not loving her the way God loves the church, and I knew I needed to. So even after she told me, I knew I was still committed and needed to keep pressing on. Now the hard part is that I love her very much and I feel very connected to her which drives me to want to be intimate. We used to have a good sex life and now she's not so interested. This stings with rejection. We have talked about it several times and she really is focused on her relationship with God, our emotional connection, her emotional disconnection from the AP, and then our intimacy last.

I believe in all this, but emotionally it's so very hard because until we restore intimacy I know all the other things are not there yet, and my weak side says, she doesn't love you like that. This can all be summarized as its hard have a good dinner and then eat a small slice of rejection pie for desert. I'm trying very hard to focus on God, the sin nature of us all, and the strength and commitment my wife has shown in breaking off affair as hope that out intimacy will eventually be restored as well.

Intimacy Guide Articles?

Samuel - Can you recommend articles or books on the right way to restore intimacy after affairs and/or porn addiction? I also want to learn about how a guy "sexualizes" women, which I've heard mentor couples discuss in some of the videos. We were having great sex using 2-3 favorite positions once a week when my husband secretly joined an online dating site out of "curiosity" and then moved on to physical encounters with three women over about two years. Since D-day I have explored my own sexuality and we are having an even better sex, about 2-3 times a week. The problem is that I think sex and/or porn is my husband's addiction of choice at the moment. In an effort to rekindle our love life, I have inadvertently become his latest drug of choice. He constantly ogles my breasts and wants to talk about our sex life and about my body parts. Also, everywhere we go I see him ogle women and teenage girls. Could I be feeding his latest addiction? This doesn't feel healthy and I feel kind of pathetic. Thanks for your help. I'm trying to stay positive.


hi there. thank you for your comment. we read 'restoring the pleasure' and it was a bit slow, but was good for sure. you can find it here: Restoring the Pleasure Rick recommends it quite often to couples who attend our ems weekend as the journey that you're describing is not easy and takes some specific help for sure. i would agree, it's NOT healthy at all. if you're sure he is in fact, 'ogling' women, it's danger. also, this behavior of him switching you to be his drug of choice does NOT have a long shelf life at all. unfortunately it's like just switching the addiction from one place to another. while the rekindling is wonderful, i would highly encourage you to do 'repair work' for sure. to me repair work would be doing the restoring the pleasure book TOGETHER, while also considering options like discussing whether or not he has an addiction or simply struggles with 'addictive' thoughts and desires. if he's constantly ogling you and your breasts coupled with the other factors, I'd be concerned for sure. when you're not up to meeting his needs, what will he do is a big concern. where will he turn, what will he do to meet those needs? don't feel pathetic friend. you're repairing and it takes time for sure. i'll need to ask rick about what other books/suggestions he has as well to help you both. how much experience does he have discussing addiction? also, are you able to correct him when he's looking at teenage girls etc and showing this type of behavior? how does he handle it from you when you show signs of being uncomfortable? for him he's probably enamored with the great sex, but isn't considering wht it's doing to you and what repair work needs to happen.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas