How do You Handle Stonewalling?- The 4 Horsemen Series - Part 1

Samuel continues the long awaited discussion on the four horsemen with a 4 part video series, starting with stonewalling. This is a common issues in many marriages, especially those recovering from infidelity and affairs.

Download the Time-Out Protocol Samuel mentions in the video.

GOTTMAN, J. M., & SILVER, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Three Rivers Press.

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how does the stone walling stop

Since D day I have been dealing with stone walling from my wife. its always the same i don't feel safe to say anything i'm always wrong. Now she says its over she cant see how we are going to work through this. No AP contact he cut her off, Other wise i think she would still be in contact. She refers to the EA as her friendship. I have given her 90 day reprieve on questions just so we could work on the relationship to no avail. Now she has decided to move to the spare bedroom after two weeks ago saying she was moving out. If we have any argument even about differences in transparency she shuts down. Now I have no access to any of her phone, email or computer if i ask she will shut down. She has been sharing all the marital strife with many of her friends and dragging me through the dirt. Two of her friends have both been OP and unfaithful. so not great marriage advice i tried to point out. Again, now I am trying to control who her friends are and who she can talk to. How can i get her to realize I am not out to get her and just move towards connection? With out talking how do you build intimacy?

sorry for the delay...

confusedman, im very sorry for the delay and i'm also very sorry for the pain you are in. here is an article rick wrote on remedying stone walling: its tough to build intimacy without talking though, so i think you're going to have to find a way to talk and communicate. the article will help, but I think you'll also want to read this article by gottman on stonewalling: i'd also suggest pulling back a bit and allowing room for her to pursue you. if you're doing all the pursuing, then something's wrong. now, this will be a bit controversial, but i would make sure that things are completely done with the ap. not sure how you're monitoring it, but you may check phone records etc, as you'll want to make sure that thing are really done. sometimes, though it seems done, or they say it's done, it's not which is what is making it so hard for them to reconnect with you. they may also be grieving the loss in some way or another and here is an article on that: i sure hope all that helps in some way?

how to get her the help?

You are right I found out the week after she has been contacting the AP it took about two hours before she called him after she announced separation. She has admitted that she never mentally disengaged, spiritually or emotionally or mentally. It was why i never felt safe. Even with all the old access which she has taken away. I have been even blocked on the phone she will not be 1% transparent. And she has got permission from many of her "energy healer" friends that me monitoring her was just me being controlling. During our discussion she has said I killed all her optimism of saving the marriage. Our last fight was March 10th and it was a big one that I should have just went for a walk and tried to give her more time. Her parents are barely on speaking terms with her. Very emotional 1 1/2 year affair for her and 4 moths of being very sexual. He lived about 4 blocks from her best friend and only a couple from her work and our house. He has moved but immediately after he moved is when she insisted on separation Secondary was the CC was pushing her to think and write about the apology for about two week prior to that. My IC says she is probably just feeling way guilty and struggling to find her happiness so back to the AP to get affirmation. Ricks Article about easter I had her read and she was pissed about he penance line that it can never be enough. I really thought the sentiment was lovely about rebirth and renewal. But she tend to pick out different things when we read together. Just trying to stay positive and not react in anyway that can be sen as out of control anger. I just try to inform her of how I feel. She is really sick. how can i look for a counselor like Rick that will get her to be open about the affair to get the secrets out? I gave her the ideas that she should journal when she has feeling about the AP or the replacement therapy by surrounding yourself with pictures of fond memories from our 20 year marriage. Neither of which she did. I have done EMDR and tapping and lots of IC and reading Steven Stosney loving after betrayal and Susan Andersons book on abandonment both were very good on having me peel apart some of my issues of guilt and shame and pain and all the crap that goes with this. But now that she has pulled back all the reconciliation talk and just says she in focused on the kids and her growth. I think that means going back to the AP to be happy and the 4 kids will be fine after we divorce because I am a great dad and so is she. i have brought up counseling for the kids and she brought up to our CC how do I go about repairing my relationship with the kids since I am the bad guy. And the CC told her unfortunately that is one of the things about affairs that is one of the consequences is it will damage the relationship. I thought that might be enough of a wake up call but she just frowned. I was thinking she might breakdown but nope. Time and my kindness I am hoping will change her perception of me and the relationship but her contacting the AP is not going to be easy to break through.God is telling me to just give her time and space to work through this . I hope my intuition is right.

What type of affair was it?

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