How Does the Betrayed Regain Honor?

Samuel discusses how to restore honor in the marriage seeking restoration following infidelity and affairs in today's video.

Add New Comment:

Comments

Great perspective.

This was a great reminder for me as a betrayed spouse. I do think that initially people jump to thoughts of "I can't believe she's staying with that cheater" or "she must be desperate to stay with him" which doesn't help any. Just think about how deeply our prejudices of adultery are. Since biblical times it's been bent towards something men do and we run a blind eye to (think of all the presidents too) and for women they were marked for life. Until it happens to us or someone close to us, we simply cannot judge or imagine the horrific choices and challenges that are set in motion.

I've been studying non-systemic lens of adultery lately. I hope someday to publish an article that may go against popular thinking, but rings true for me. Adultery is a reflection of a broken adulterer seeking maladaptive self soothing. The betrayed spouse does not "lend" to adultery in any way shape or form.

They may be "guilty" of being a very healthy normal spouse with imperfections that each and everyone of have. But I do not support any of the experts when they try to blame shift, or find ways the betrayed spouse "contributed" to adultery. I do think you can look at Brownian principals to see how the perfect storm may have been set in motion. But at the end of the day, being able to device and sexually betray your marriage partner is a choice only the minority of people in committed relationships choose. And I think it has more to do with an unfortunate dynamics of the cheater then anything to do with the betrayed spouse.

My husband would have cheated on who every he was married to. His unresolved family of origin issues, mental health struggles, and complete lack of emotional intelligence would have made sure of that. I also strongly believe he would have projected his unresolved issues with his mother on to who ever was his spouse.

Long winded way to say that once popular culture steps away form holding the betrayed spouse in any way responsible for contributing to the adultery of the betrayed, I believe this will shift some of the betrayed honor issues. I know that I bought into the whole "look at ways you contributed" thing and that doesn't help. Choosing sexual medication with another person is simply the reflection of a very broken person. It has nothing to do with the completely normal imperfections of making a dyadic intimate relationship work.

This is a great message, and I do think Samantha is an amazing woman. I think all spouses who stay and make the sacrifice for their family (and for generations to come) are going Gods work. It is the harder of the two paths and is not for the faint of heart. And, in my book, we are the most honorable or honorable.

Thank you for sharing. These videos have been a gift.

response

This was absolutely the best response I have ever seen. It alone was healing to me. Thanks so much Dre!!

Batting Average

Samuel I just want to say you just keep hitting it out of the park.....Didn't you mention one time you played baseball? Well your batting average is way up there dude.
Samantha if you don't want to do the face video thing, at least consider a blog. It would be cool for Samuel to do a video and then you follow up with your side of the story. I was almost to happy to hear that y'all where over a year from D-day when this happened. I really think sometimes my husband thinks I am the only woman on the planet that was still pretty pissed for that long.
And the story you shared made me feel better about "running away" for a weekend after my husband had a medical procedure. He had some spots treated on his face and could not leave the house for 3 days, so I dropped him off at home and left.
This blog or vlog was right on time. An idiot I work with managed to say everything negative thing that you mentioned about why a man cheats on his wife at work. I tried to remember he is an IDIOT and an arrogant one at that to just not listen to me...but the trigger was there. Came home explained the trigger to my husband...we listened to your blog together. He affirmed that I was NONE of those things that people that assume those things are just uneducated and judgmental, reminded me it was his bad choices, we agreed my co worker is an arrogant idiot, and had a good rest of the day.

Thanks for what you do, Thanks Samantha for being his sounding board and for not giving up. Some weeks my only hope has hinged on seeing and hearing the stories of couples that made it.

SLM

How does the unfaithful help restore honor to the betrayed?

Are you really saying the best way to restore the honor of the betrayed is for the betrayed to forgive the unfaithful spouse? Sure the unfaithful has to work to restore his own honor by living the life he should have always lived. Does that restore the betrayed's honor?

I've accepted the situation, I've worked hard to forgive my husband, but he has not restored my honor in the eyes of his APs who believe that we had a bad marriage, we married too young, that my husband was a good man who wouldn't leave me because he is responsible and needed to provide for me financially and for the kids. Even after my husband no longer had sexual relations with his APs he continued to be friends with each of them, to keep in touch and even visit with them, taking them to restaurants, museums, etc. After D-day, he told each of them that he saw his relationship with them as a "mistake" and he was going to try to work it out with his wife. There were decades of lies he told the APs which cause me dishonor in their eyes.

I'm doing my best to accept the situation, to understand he is working hard to restore his own honor, to recover from an addiction, and to forgive. I think we've made great progress. I never felt dishonored by friends and family, even those who know what he did, because my value comes from how they know I've lived my life and what kind of person I am. I struggle with the APs who my husband let into my marriage, shared information about our children, and painted a very different picture of me and of our marriage than what was going on. They each felt special to him and none of them knew about the other APs. Each of them thought they were his first and only AP, Each heard that he was in love with them.

Is there not anything that my husband can do to restore my honor among the many women who have a very poor understanding of who I am, who my husband was and who they were to him?

Samuel,

Samuel,
Are you really saying the best way to restore the honor of the betrayed is for the betrayed to forgive the unfaithful spouse? Sure the unfaithful has to work to restore his own honor by living the life he should have always lived. Does that restore the betrayed's honor?

I've accepted the situation, I've worked hard to forgive my husband, but he has not restored my honor in the eyes of his APs who believe that we had a bad marriage, we married too young, that my husband was a good man who wouldn't leave me because he is responsible and needed to provide for me financially and for the kids. Even after my husband no longer had sexual relations with his APs he continued to be friends with each of them, to keep in touch and even visit with them, taking them to restaurants, museums, etc. After D-day, he told each of them that he saw his relationship with them as a "mistake" and he was going to try to work it out with his wife. There were decades of lies he told the APs which cause me dishonor in their eyes.

I'm doing my best to accept the situation, to understand he is working hard to restore his own honor, to recover from an addiction, and to forgive. I think we've made great progress. I never felt dishonored by friends and family, even those who know what he did, because my value comes from how they know I've lived my life and what kind of person I am. I struggle with the APs who my husband let into my marriage, shared information about our children, and painted a very different picture of me and of our marriage than what was going on. They each felt special to him and none of them knew about the other APs. Each of them thought they were his first and only AP, Each heard that he was in love with them.

Is there not anything that my husband can do to restore my honor among the many women who have a very poor understanding of who I am, who my husband was and who they were to him?

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer