Infidelity Hits the Reset Button of Life

Samuel shares insight on how both he and Samantha's life were changed by infidelity.

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Reset button

First off, thank you for these videos. When hit with infidelity the betrayed are flung into the unknown and we so desperately need some answers or insight into the nightmare that has come upon us. Suddenly, after 40 years of marriage everything is out of place, missing or destroyed! Your videos and your blog have been so helpful to me in understanding my unfaithful husband and what he is now dealing with but also what I am dealing with and how to have a healthier perspective. This is a trauma, a devastation of epic proportions and it sure has hit the reset button for us. Nothing is the same, we will not be the same, some things now seem so petty and unimportant. Our faith has skyrocketed because we see God's work in both of us, we are no longer resisting change even though we are 13 months since dday and I have not committed 100% because of trickle truth. My world was wiped out and I am such a different person now and I know that with or without him I will survive and thrive! Thank you again for all the help you provide to those of us who don't get much insight out of our unfaithful spouses. BTW, my husband has poor English so it is very difficult to get all this information to him, but much he has done correctly has come because of his relationship with God. God bless you!

thank you for the post....

amelia, thank you for posting and commenting. i'm sorry for your pain, but so encouraged that you would post a comment. i'm glad I could help in some small way. let me know if i can do anything else. take care. fight on my friend. don't give up or quit.

I understand what you're

I understand what you're saying about the choice as to whether to embrace or resist the reset button. I would hope that you and other unfaithful spouses can understand how difficult that is for a betrayed spouse, like myself, who didn't ask to have the reset button pressed.

reset button...

hope, thank you for posting. i think you'll see in many of my vlogs over the months and years, that our approach and my approach is to remember the biggest victim in infidelity is the betrayed spouse. in one small 5 to 7 minute vlog, it's impossible to encompass the entirety of emotions, feelings, mindsets, beliefs, trauma etc. I do my best, but believe me when I say I get that no betrayed spouse asked for this. Yet, it's happened. and while I'm not, nor ever will be cavalier in my approach, there is a process to moving forward and i do my best to capture as much of it as i can. i'm sorry you've had this happen. life is about how we respond, and you have my empathy for where you find yourself right now. please know that. i hope the vlog helps you regardless of some points of disagreement.

What does the reset button look like for the unfaithful?

What I am trying to figure out is why the unfaithful wife is having such a hard time letting go and coming back to the family. In her letters she wrote to the OM she talked of not leaving the marriage but never thought she would be caught either. I guess she didn't count on the fear of letting go after being caught and losing the relationship. Even though she knew he was never committed to a long term relationship with her. How different does the unfaithful reset button look?

it's tough to wrap your mind around it

thanks for posting confusedman....it's difficult to understand the mind of the unfaithful. most times, the unf, never thinks they will get caught. they usually just don't see that end of things. they live the fantasy and enjoy the time and run from responsibility, getting caught, or the idea of it. it's very drug like and based upon escapism. this audio on limerance will help explain more: https://www.affairrecovery.com/radio/limerance also, keep in mind a woman cheats for different reasons than a man cheats. the unf reset button is much different and quite honestly, needs help to do it. there's no way around the fact that they need expert help from someone who has been through it before. it's possible: more than possible, but only with the right help. what help have you and her received? what work have you done in terms of true recovery work? feel free to keep commenting and we'll keep talking. the system should alert me when you post next. thanks for watching and commenting.

Torn

Glad I found this website and these videos.... they've offered me a glimmer of hope... I initiated a separation with my wife as we had gone through years of difficulty.... I had suggested counseling, but I think she felt that going to counseling was "admitting that there was a problem" as opposed to pretending that we didn't. Immediately after we separated, I convinced myself that it was over and got involved with someone at work. Now.... a year and a half later.... the woman I've gotten involved with is pressuring me to get a divorce.... I care about her deeply - am very attracted to her - we share much in common - and I think I DO love her, yet there are times when I feel I'm not ready to let go of a ten year marriage... my wife is simply "waiting for me".... i'm causing tremendous pain in the lives of two people, yet I'm paralyzed to do anything. I don't know what I want - it changes hourly.... and the guilt, shame, and remorse has destroyed my spirit.... I'm many ways I'm a good person... if I find a wallet on the street with thousands of dollars and a drivers license in it - i'm going to take it to the owner without hesitation.... i simply can't forgive myself... i could never do anything to hurt myself... it's against everything i stand for - but there were times i WISH that i could... part of the reason that i don't make a decision is that i don't want to "hurt" anyone, yet i know i'm causing tremendous pain by doing nothing. I've been sick in my soul for 18 months..... how do you know when it's time to "let the marriage go"? is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who you met while you were still legally married? I've prayed.... have seen therapists... talked to friends whose opinions i respect and admire..... I'm so sick and tired of living this way

soulsickness....so glad you're here

I wish i had the guts to reach out in the middle of my pain and duplicity like you have.  it's a tough road.  but, there is hope and there is a way out to a place of heath and healing.  it's not an overnight fix my friend.   i would tell you the answer comes through getting expert help to then find where you want to truly be and who you want to truly be with. until you get the right help with people who have been where you're at and have been doing this for 20 to 30 years, i think you'll remain ambivalent and stuck.  i would take the next step and do two t hings: 1. go to an ems weekend here on the site: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend  also 2. consider the hope for healing course for you to find help for your own recovery:

https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing I"m more confident than I've ever been that it will help you find the place you want and need to be.  not shame you into staying or falsey free you into going to be with your afffair partner without going deep in your own healing and recovery.  the fact that you've reached out here is a wonderful step my friend.  count me in as a friend and i'll do all i can for you.

 

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