One of the Biggest Causes of Infidelity and Failure in Restoration: Disconnection

Samuel discusses one of the number one reasons couples don't make it in recovery or marriage.

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Marriage counseling

I was wondering how much marriage counseling played in the recovery of you and your wife’s recovery? Or was it a lot more individual work that evolved into couples therapy?
We are at 16 months from final d-day and we did EMS weekend in February and all of the follow-up. But we have not resumed any type of marriage counseling locally in about a year. It’s primarily been individual work and unfortunately I prolonged my progress by being stubborn and not wanting to do trauma work (dumb I know). Now that I am back at IT with EMDR, I’m feeling like couples therapy would be a great next step. Due to my reactions to the trauma we are both tired, numb, guarded and disconnected. This video was a God send! Thank you

good question

i do see there is a place for it with the right people/help.  i would say for us it was 70% individual work and personal confrontation with self, and about 30% with marriage work.  i'm so glad you've done some trauma work as that will make a ton of difference for sure.  it's so hard to find safety and objectivity on your own, so finding that safe third party who is an expert and infidelity specific will help immensely as well.

Samuel....we are sooo

Samuel....we are sooo disconnected. We seemed to be making small steady progress steps then he did a financial thing which indirectly included the person that assisted with his adultery and is also a family member. I was sent back to square one, all progress wiped out. He refuses to attempt to understand why. I've disconnected and detached for my protection because I should just accept his explanation as a given and hove no issue.

Along with no validation/acknowledgement of my feelings about numerous understanding/empathy.....why would I want to connect with someone who denies my feelings/experience/existence? (Ex: I think you felt deceive, but I didn't deceive you."

i get it....

if i were you, i'd really consider getting expert help and doing something like the ems weekend.  you may be missing each other and simply not hearing or seeing how each other is trying to care for one another.  i could be wrong, but it sounds like no one is done yet right?  no divorce yet?  he's not going to hear your opinion of the choices he made as he can easliy dismiss it with 'you're just mad/offended/angry' or 'you don't see my heart' or 'you're overreacting' etc, and an expert, safe environment for both spouses can create safety and compassion on both sides of the equation.  you just can't work trhought his kinda stuff on your own ya know?  


Been a month from d day and feeling very disconnected but then watched your video on 'Heal Yourself or Heal the Marriage After Infidelity?'. Totally agree with this and see the need for both of us to get healthy but as the betrayed this feeling of disconnection only increases each day as he goes about his day doing his stuff, his recovery steps etc. I just feel like the canyon between us only grows each day and I don't know what we can both do to help. I'm confused as to what, if any, things he can do to help me if we're supposed to get ourselves healthy individually.

good question...there is much you can do

hi trace.  there is much you can do.  for starters, he needs to be engaged in the process of doing recovery work.  is he?  you can start with the bootcamp found here:  also would he do something like the ems weekend with you?  it's found here:  here's a video I did about the weekend too:  both those resources will help you both  heal as well as individually heal.  would he do a course on the site, like the hope for healing course:   it's a delicate but more than possible balance to do individual work, while also addressing the marital needs you both have.  what do you think?  how open is he to doing work?  

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas