A Tool to Help the Unfaithful Spouse Fight off Shame and Self Hatred

Samuel shares a tool he used and still uses in healing from his own infidelity.

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I AM my own worst enemy.

I struggle with this on a daily basis. How can I not hate myself? My boyfriend and I are 4 months out from D-day. In the first 2-3 months I remember hating myself so much I questioned whether or not to continue on with my life. Slowly I have been feeling a little more hope each day. Often times I feel completely alone in this world, walking through complete darkness. What a scary feeling. And the worst part is that I am 100% responsible for this pain. Even though I feel as if I am alone, I know that God has asked me to keep walking. There is no light yet, but each day I have a greater sense of this hope that the light will appear. That eventually as I continue to walk the darkness will turn to light. I've caused my boyfriend so much pain. I wish that I could take it away because he does not deserve this. How could I have done this to an angel? I know that he loves me will all his heart otherwise he would have left me after D-Day, but he is still here willing to try. I know it sounds crazy, but everyday I wonder if he still loves me. I know that's crazy, but it's a reality. I would say today that I don't hate myself, but I will say that I do NOT love myself. I'm basically just surviving myself right now because I AM my own worst enemy.

Hang in there

I agree with everything you said! This is exactly how I felt after Dday. That was 10 months ago. Even in the short amount of time, with the help of EMS online and hope for healing, it is so much better! Don’t lose sight of the goal… Healing really is possible! Don’t do anything drastic. You will look back on this and realize the many gifts that will come from learning how to walk alone at times, feel your faith carry you, and do the deep work at becoming who you are meant to be. Somehow, I thought these things were just lipservice… And already in this amount of time, I am starting to see the other side of the pain. This too really will pass, and all things really can work together for the good of those that love God. My marriage is getting back on track and the deep sense of worthiness that I am gaining from the atonement, forgiveness, and receiving love when I deserve death is creating a life transformation for me. Best wishes to you always!