Underlying Resentment

Samuel discusses one of the most difficult aspects of the unfaithful's recovery: underlying resentment.

Comments

Exactly

Submitted by jen1 on Thu, 10/08/2015 - 21:52

My husband cheated and is living with the AP. We have been divorced for almost one year. I was willing to work on it but he was not as willing. This is exactly what was happening and still is. He still justifies it. He minimizes it by saying our marriage was already over. This was a great blog.

thankyou jen1 for posting.

Submitted by Samuel on Fri, 10/09/2015 - 08:42

sorry for your pain jen1. thank you for posting and i hope the site is helping you heal personally.

Still

Submitted by jen1 on Thu, 11/12/2015 - 09:25

This site is helping a lot. It would be great to have a blog created for those who have actually been left by an unfaithful spouse or an unfaithful spouses left by a betrayed spouse.
After my husband moved out of our marital home I moved back to my hometown. My parents told me if I didn't move back they were going to come get me. I was depressed and loosing weight. I warned my ex I would move home which is 3 hours away if things didn't improve. I can see the blessing in it all but am still traumatized from the gaslighting and blameshifting. I have a great job, dear friends and a house next to my parents and brother.
My ex said he didn't want a divorce until suddenly he filed AFTER I found out about his affair by seeing an email to a landlord stating he was looking for an apartment with "his girlfriend." (We were still married.) This all happened after I moved to my hometown. I don't understand this. Ambivalence? Preparing a "soft landing?"
I think when I moved it pushed their relationship closer together. He still maintains he never had an affair because our marriage was "over for a long time" even though he was sleeping with the AP and me.
Still, after one year of being divorced, I am in pain. It lessens as days go by. I can feel springtime in my life again. It still boggles my mind that he is still with this girl almost 2 years after it started. He has no remorse that I see. I think they are all they have which pushes them even closer together. The AP's ex-husband cheated on her. He seeks excuses and not clarity. He has damaged relationships with his friends and extended family but this still doesn't register in him. (I believe his immediate family remains in his good standing so they don't loose contact with our only child). He parades his relationship on social media. He barely spends time with his child.
Our marriage counselor sent him to a separate ccounselor when we were still married. The marriage counselor said he would never get over his anger for me. I couldn't get much more out of her. Resentment? She said he had "negative thought patterns."
I could never take him back but I feel guilty about this. I don't think he will ever get healthy. How can he think a life of barely seeing his child is a better option? Was it easier to role with the new relationship than fix the old one? My therapist said "thank goodness he cheated on you or you would have never left him."
I just want everyone who had a chance to fix their marriage to be thankful because the alternative is so painful and leaves life feeling so unfinished. So much pain to feel for your children. I know God has a plan and He'll never give me more than I can handle but He must think I'm hardcore.

very well said jen1...

Submitted by Samuel on Thu, 11/12/2015 - 09:46

it's life altering. you have painted a clear picture of what it's like when deception in someone just runs rampant and there is a refusal to get help or take action or own it. i'm terribly sorry for your pain. we only have so many bloggers, but are always open to more feedback and suggestions on how to make this little blog as effective as possible. it sounds like you were married to someone who continues in their deception and blameshifting to empower their affair and their lifestyle. it's incredibly sad, but normal for those who want to continue to do what they want to do and live for themselves. barely seeing my children would kill me and affect my psychologically...but when you're self deceived and unhealthy, there's sometimes no limits to the damage one will inflict to get what they feel they want. i'm truly sorry for your pain jen1. i'm so glad you're here and so glad you've taken the time to post here. i hope the site and blog is able to bring more and more healing to you and your journey.

He claims no resentment

Submitted by SLM on Fri, 10/09/2015 - 14:48

My husband claims he has no resentment. But I think he is self decived still. I however am willing to fully own my resentment. I resent the money we have spent to try to heal. I resent the pain I have endured. I resent the way all of this has made me feel so self conscious about my appearance. I resent the feelings of in adequacy that I experience. I resent the feelings that surface during a trigger that throw me off balance. I resent it all. Now please tell me how to overcome all this resentment. Because I know it is not helping.

you have asked a hard..hard...question slm

Submitted by Samuel on Sat, 10/10/2015 - 13:32

i'm so glad you're posting here and talking. it's good to talk and reach out in the middle of your hurt and pain. i know it hurts like hell. i'm truly sorry life is so rough. for starters, you have to ask yourself are you mad at just your husband or are you also mad at life or even mad at God? it's ok if you are, as you're going to have to work through it and walk through it, but that's the stage of life you're in. it's hard to forgive when you haven't grieved. if you truly have grieved, then perhaps it's time to start to forgive and release and let go of the anger and resentment. remember resentment only comes back to hurt and rob us of our life and pain and joy. it only destroys us and the relationships in our lives. it's going to be hard to be filled with such resentment and then be a great mom, a great friend, a great wife one day to either your husband now or your next marriage. you're a strong, educated woman. you're not dumb. but you've been through hell. you've been damaged, like anyone would be after going through such pain and hurt. do some research on grieving. there are a few blogs here on grieving i think. then move from grieving to forgiving and releasing your husband. if you haven't taken harboring hope on the site, I would take it and if you're in tight financial trouble due to the affair(s) you can apply for a scholarship as well. release him. release your anger at God and know that God is not done with you or your journey my friend. sure be angry, but take action in the right direction while you're angry. you're not a slave to your husband or your pain or your hurt. there is more for you. i hope this helps you and serves as a loving pep talk. i'm happy to dialogue more with you as you like as I we all need friends while we walk through God awful pain.
praying for you.

It is SO hard.....

Submitted by jeh53 on Sun, 10/18/2015 - 08:34

This is such a helpful blog. I am the betrayed spouse and my resentment at times is over the top, and I know it is, but it is so very hard to work through it. I am going to sound like all the other beyrayeds, and I know that I should be grieving, but when I try to grieve my mind and heart can't stop the hurt/pain of what my unfaithful spouse did. Your question to the other commenter, about what are they mad at it, made me think, too, what I am mad at it. First, I am angry/resentful at my spouse for over 28 years of cheating on me, and then I am mad at life for giving me this horrific problem, and ultimately I am mad at God for putting me through this and I question WHY did God allow my husband to continue to hurt and betray me and himself for SO long. (We have had 2 D-Days - one in January of this year, and the 2nd one at the end of June of this year.) I am wondering, is it just going to take tremendous willpower to get past the resentment? Am I somehow so horribly flawed to hold onto this resentment for so long? Is it possible for someone to want to be a victim all the time? I am really exhausted and so sick and tired of feeling like this, but the pain just won't go away. Thank you so much if you can give me any help or insights.

you are not horribly flawed jeh53...

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 10/19/2015 - 11:37

you've been horribly traumatized that's for sure. but you're not horribly flawed. you have every right to be resentful, but just because you have a right to it, doesn't mean we do it ya know? i mean who wouldn't be filled with resentment after what you've experienced. for what samantha experienced, she had to make a decision to not remain a victim. she had to make a decision( a lot of decisions mind you) to decide she was going to forgive. forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a decision. you make it for YOU. you do it for YOU. sure your spouse reaps from it, but it's to set you free and to help you heal. you are in charge of your emotions and you are in charge of your responses to what you feel. often times i tell people sure, you can remain a victim, or you can choose to not be and that choice to not be will take some pretty incredible courage and desire to decide to get healthy. i'd ask on the q and a section to Rick about what other books to read and things to do on a professional level to forgive. but, the overriding theme to me anyway, is to decide you will forgive. as it's not about pretending it didn't happen. it's not about overlooking his choices. it's not about overlooking the lunacy of it. it's about deciding to forgive and get yourself healthy and get quality of life back. i think youre NOT flawed, but you can make an idol out of that resentment. you can preoccupy yourself with it and remained imprisoned by it. it's time to break out of it. it's time to set yourself free friend. what you do about the marriage remains to be seen. it's not about pretending, it's about healing yourself. does that make sense?

thank you so much, Samuel

Submitted by jeh53 on Mon, 10/19/2015 - 21:17

Yes, everything you said makes sense, and I thank you so much for your very insightful and helpful reply. I am slowly seeing that recovery and healing is all about choices and grieving the past and what has been ruined and lost forever. I truly don't want to be a victim for the rest of my life, but as you know, it is so hard to get past the horrific hurt/pain. There are times that I can't believe my anger and rage, as I have always been a very caring and forgiving person, and I am so horrified at times at how horrible my anger is. Thank you, too, for saying I am not flawed; it seems so easy to think that I am this awful person who seems to enjoy being mad all the time. I am hoping that my therapy with Leslie will give me some help in coping and dealing with this and also some help in reaching the forgiveness place. Your blogs/vlogs are so helpful and have helped me and my husband a lot. We are so grateful for finding Affair Recovery and all the truly wonderful people there. I hope it is okay to continue to write comments to you - your insights are so very helpful.

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