What Do You Do If Your Unfaithful Spouse Can't Remember?

Samuel tackles a difficult but necessary discussion regarding the inability to remember details by the unfaithful spouse.

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This was so helpful to me as the betrayed. My husband seems to have legitimately blocked out so much because his brain doesn't want to remember it. Our marriage counselor said if he had not seen this over and over in his 40 years of marital counseling, he would think the unfaithful was lying. It was very hard to hear "I don't remember". I also had to come to a point where I knew enough to heal. But I've also thought that what if there is more? There was more when I found out more info that he just remembered one day. It was hell having another D Day. This message today was just so helpful to me.

Videos helped spouse remember

Well, I'm just over 5 months from D-day. I found out that my wife of 9 years, together for 14 years, was having a sexual affair with a coworker. She's a nurse and spent long hours 3-4 times a week with this guy. My wife is an attractive woman and he was hitting on her. She tells me she at first rejected the complements but after awhile she enjoyed them. Just before our 9 year anniversary she started kissing him. Shortly after our anniversary, they began having sex during work on their breaks and after work in their cars. Needless to say I was devastated by the news. I knew she had been changing and I head some hints here and there but I never imagined she was having an affair.

Initially, like all of us recovering from this type of betrayal, she did not want to talk about much. At first, I wanted to know the details of the sex, as in, what was done, where, when, how, etc. She gave me answers at the time but many of them she said, "I don't remember." I had a huge problem with her having an affair during special occasions (Father's day, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, holidays, etc.) but then my priest asked me, "When IS it a good time to have an affair?" He made me think that yeah, having an affair doesn't occur at specific times of the year, around specific holidays, special events, etc. They happened. I'm still sad some times thinking about how when we went on family vacations she was with him the day before and the day after, but I guess it is what it is now.

Moving forward these 5 months have been obviously up and down with the highs and lows on both our parts. We're attempting to make this work. We have 2 kids, a house, and careers. She said she never stopped loving me and just got caught up in the affair, which at first wasn't enough for me. However, after finding this website and watching some videos with her she's finally opened up with me about some other deeper feelings. We've been together since seniors in high school and have only been with each other sexually. I'm no angel though, I admit. I have been faithful with my wife but I have been to strip clubs as part of bachelor parties but she has always known about that before so and gave me permission. We discussed strip clubs and we both felt it is not cheating (which will be different for every couple). What she finally opened up to me the other day was that she has been "curious." Curious as to what it would be like to have sex with another person. She's only thought about it but has never done anything to initiate the act or pursue the opportunity. Until she met this other guy at work. She was not interested initially but he kept pursuing her to a point where her curiosity was accepted. She continued the affair for about 4-5 months until I called her on the red flags I saw. So basically, my wife is remorseful and feels horrible for what she did and how much she hurt me, but, part of why she did it was because she was "curious." She tells me she'll never have an affair again because she knows how bad a mistake it was and partly because she doesn't have curiosity anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about that or how I should feel about that. We've been a happily married couple for a long time and during the time of her affair, we were both caught up in new jobs and new experiences but that still doesn't excuse her having an affair. My problem now is how I feel about myself and my own situation. I don't want to hurt my wife and have an affair just to spite her, but at the same time, I've always had that curiosity too of what it would be like to have sex with another woman but it was never a strong desire. I guess I'm just talking out loud and not really making much sense.

Bottom line, thank you for these videos and support. My wife is slowly opening up more to me and we're trying to make this work. It's just a difficult process.

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