Your Actions Determine the Future Today’s post is directed towards the unfaithful. I’m certainly hopeful the betrayed will shout a big ‘Amen’ to my thoughts today, or even show this to their unfaithful spouses. Having been an unfaithful myself, believe me when I say there are no stones being thrown at you today. I’d only be throwing them at myself as well, and to go a step further, it would be completely self-righteous to lay judgment on someone who is just like me, an unfaithful. A concept that’s hard to really grasp for some is the reality that our actions (the unfaithful) at some level will determine what the future looks like. Quite often I’ll ask a betrayed spouse this question: “Are you open to the restoration of the marriage?” The answers are all over the board, but one thing is pretty sure: most, if not all, are watching to see the actions of the unfaithful to then determine if they want to save the marriage or are even at the very least ‘open’ to the possibility of it. Yes, it’s a bit of a ‘wait and see’ approach, but who wants to open themselves up to the worst kind of violation all over again? Who wants to subject themselves to repeat cheating over the next decade? Who wants to reengage emotionally mentally and even physically with someone who is unsafe and offers nothing more than “it’s over, move on” to base the future on? My wife Samantha was emphatic that she wanted to see how things went and then make a decision. She couldn’t give me an answer as to whether or not she wanted to save the marriage. Internally she did, but she wasn’t saying that to me for fear that I would bully her into recovery. At the onset of it all, she was merely open to it, but it was going to be the way I lived my life now, in front of her and the kids, which would help her be won over towards restoration or be led towards divorce. Now I know what you may be thinking. This isn’t about being a doormat and if you’ll simply kiss up to your hurt spouse and be a bit of a droid of some sorts, then sure, why wouldn’t they want to save the marriage. Free slavery, right? After all, they’ll just abuse me and make me pay the rest of my life for this mistake. Seldom do I find betrayed spouses that genuinely feel that vengeful for long, and even fewer in number are the spouses who want to punish their unfaithful mate after they’ve received expert help to piece through their emotions, feelings and comprehension of it all. Overall, your betrayed spouse hasn’t made it their life’s work to punish you; they just want their life back. What they’re desperately wanting to see here (and feel free to help me out and chime in below, betrayed spouses) is to see that you’re safe to give redemption and restoration a shot. How you begin to live now will give credence and indication to safety or lack thereof. How you handle therapy and discussions and how you show empathy and humility in light of the entire discovery process will pay dividends for you or against you and your potential restoration bank account. How can you expect your spouse to decide on the marriage when they don’t even know who their spouse is anymore? It’s the simple truth: how you live now and in the coming days, weeks, and months will either make your spouse feel safe and open to moving towards you or will make them pack their bags. While it’s no simple fix, and while it’s not a two-step formula in the least, it is true that as you display empathy and safety as a new-found revelation and lifestyle instead just a momentary time of clarity, will create space in your partner‘s heart to pursue restoration.