, 4 years 7 months ago
looking at the roots of our shame enables us to find healing-survivors Blog-Elizabeth-Do-I-Have-a-Love-Addiction

Early on in recovery, I was so angry at my husband for suggesting I have a love addiction. I am so ashamed to think of how prideful I can be. In my mind, a woman with a so-called love addiction had serious issues. I had a stereotype in my head that this would be a woman constantly on dating sites, wearing clothing from Victoria's Secret, or someone completely out of control. This was not me.

I was a mom for crying out loud. I drive a minivan. I carpool. I go to church. I was married. I...

, 4 years 7 months ago
the pain is horrible but if you stay the course it will end-survivors blog-elizabeth-driving-in-fog

Have you ever driven in really thick fog? We live near the Mississippi river, where a lot of tributaries feed into the waterway. I didn't grow up in this region (I'm a native Texan), but what I find is that certain mornings of the year, the hills and valleys surrounding our home become blanketed in a thick fog. It becomes so heavy over the roadways that in order to drive, you have to put your headlights on the low beam and drive very slow. You can't see anything. All of the curves and turns seem to sneak...

, 4 years 8 months ago
the ugly truth about codependency-survivors Blog-Elizabeth-The-Ugly-Truth-About-Codependency

Today I am journaling about codependency because I truly hate the word. I wish someone decades ago could have come up with a nicer sounding word to fit the definition.

When I began some honest soul searching of my character flaws that led me to cheat on my husband, I began to realize that I am a poster child for codependency. Looking back on my life and choices, I have spent years outrunning being identified as “codependent” to any degree. Part of my...

, 4 years 8 months ago
survivors blog-Elizabeth-is infidelity hereditary-we can change our story Is Infidelity Hereditary?

I ask myself this question a lot. I guess it's more of a fear of mine than a question. In a rational state of mind I can answer this easily: of course not. Infidelity is a choice. No one put a gun to my head and made me cross the line. No one forced me to be unfaithful. And like the source for eye color or skin tone, I don't think there is a "ruin your spouse's life by having an affair" gene.

If you've done much reading...

, 4 years 8 months ago
Be Bold-Survivors Blog-Elizabeth-What-I-Need-From-You

Today my words come from a very insecure and needy place. Insecure because I'm trying hard to use words instead of behaviors to show how I feel and what I need. This "voice" seems childlike and continues to grow because it is still somewhat unfamiliar to me. My words might sound crazy but I promise I'm not a lunatic! My psychologist refers to me in "parts" like this, so I am going to do the same here today.

The needy part of this voice is the one I am most uncomfortable with. I have always hated and detested the needy part of me so I constantly...

, 4 years 9 months ago
be humble about past and present - survivors blog - elizabeth

We are more than a year out from discovery. Some of the days have been very slow making me wonder if progress has been made. And although we now have more good days than bad, a small internal voice still occasionally asks, am I really changing?

While you, the betrayed, are trying to heal from what we, the unfaithful, have done to you, I also know you are ultimately waiting for redemption.

There are days my husband's anxiety seems to come out of nowhere. Of course I understand the root of the...

, 4 years 9 months ago
what does change look like - Elizabeth

Today I was reminded of a story by Portia Nelson I heard long ago:

Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two:

, 4 years 10 months ago
you are not alone. when shame has the last word - elizabeth - affair recovery survivors blog Shame.

I hate the word. I hate the feeling. I am guessing for most of you reading this, you have more than a vague idea of what this word does to a human being and how it can be one of the most destructive forces on the planet.

I am so tired of shame.

Sure, I can sit here and look back on my life and the things that happened before I had a choice in the matter. Reflect on the things that helped shape my heart into a giant bucket of shame....

, 4 years 11 months ago

Today in counseling I was stunned by a concept I’ve heard most my life. Similar to the old quilt that covers our bed, I became so familiar with it I no longer saw the depth of beauty in it.

My counselor asked me how I felt I was doing at “feeling my husband’s pain”. He has a way of asking a simple question and patiently waits for me to take as long as I need to respond. Having been a counselor for over 40 years, he sees right through me and my crap most days.

How am I doing with handling my husband’s pain? You mean the pain I created with MY infidelity?

In the silence of that moment I found myself...

, 4 years 11 months ago

"Learn how to be okay
when things are not okay."

When I first heard this statement I thought it was dumb and much too simple. It was almost insulting – like trying to treat an intensive care wound with a band aid.

However, ten long months into recovery, this statement has been a foundational thought in getting through many hard days.


, 5 years 2 weeks ago
, 5 years 1 month ago
Find the courage to come out of hiding Why is hiding so tempting and where does the desire come from?

Hide and seek. This is a game my kids play for hours, even now as teenagers. There is such terror and anxiety in the moments you are waiting but the best part of the whole game is the feeling you get when you are found. I remember when my girls were little and would find great hiding spots. They were so excited they would often yell out, “I’m in here, come find me!” I often wonder why the game was so delightful for them. I’m guessing it had something to do with the smile...