How long will it take to get over the affair? You know – to get back to normal?

This is the question I asked my counselor. I was the one who had been unfaithful and wanted to know how long it would take for my wife and me to recover from what I had done. It had been a week since she had found out about my affair and I wanted to know how long before the end of the pain. I wanted a date. A small measure of time. Preferably something in the area of a few months. I would have even been all right with six months. My counselor was silent. I had a sneaking suspicion that the longer the silence the longer the recovery would be. I asked again.


She paused a little bit longer and said that things would be better in 90 days. We both would feel different. And in six months we would feel even better. And in one year we would feel even better.


It was nice knowing we would feel better – but “better” is a relative term. Does that mean we go from excruciating-non-stop-gut-wrenching-life-despairing-I wish-I-was-dead pain to just bad-and-sad-and-I-hate-my-life pain?


I wanted to know when we would be healed. I wanted a date on the calendar that I could know when the pain would stop and life would be good again. I think that’s a natural desire. In her wisdom, she never gave me such a thing. No one can give you a date. There are only general principles of healing that God seems to have built into our experience.


She was right. Things did get better – and are getting better. In fact, our marriage and our relationship with God has never been better. They are both beyond our wildest expectations. However, we are not “over” the affair. We will never be “over” it. It is a crisis that God has helped us work through – and we continue to do so.


Neither has life gone back to being normal. It never will be normal again. How can it be? But I am glad for that. That old life and the old marriage is dead. It had to die – in order for something beautiful to take its place. And that is what God has done – and continues to do.

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Thanks for giving me perspective. I so want the pain to be over, but I am getting that this is a path that takes time. The healing takes time. Thanks for sharing this.

Don't give up. It is easy to

Don't give up. It is easy to want to. 2.5 years down the track I think we have finally made a breakthrough.It hasn't been all bad for that time, but it has been difficult. The hardest thing has been my insecurity and inability to trust my husband again. We are still not completely healed, and I did not think it would be this hard, and I have felt like giving up at times, but hang in there it will be worth it.

I so get it

I want that date on the calender too.  I long for that day that it doesn't hurt anymore.  that I don't think about them as a couple anymore.  Wondering what they did, what they said - anymore.  I fear and dread the day that maybe I see her somewhere.  It feels like the good days are outnumbering the bad days which is good - but my husband is still unemployed and feels like he's not providing and it's a fear I have that he'll reach out again for someone to talk to who isn't me.  I hate the fear. 

The fear is the worst.  I

The fear is the worst.  I only found out two weeks ago that my husband had an online/phone affair for the past 6 months, and i am so full of fear. 


Getting over an affair

For me it's about the triggers. It's been 6 months now, and things are good. They have never been better. But there are still triggers that bring me back (the hurt partner). Seeing someone that looks like him (even though he lives thousands of miles away)...something at work...or taking care of the kids when my wife goes out. Just triggers the bad memories. I try to not bring her into all these trigger moments, but when I do , it ends up being an intimate moment where we connect again in the way we need. I know my wife feels terrible - and so do I - and I know 6 months from now it will be better We need to compare against a good time in our marriage vs now - when things are good and we think back to a year ago - well, it was a bad time. A year from now, when we look back a year - we'll be thinking about good times. But for now it's the triggers. Ugh. Hate them

1 year

Adding to my post last year. It's been 14 months since my wife told me. And things are better as we have made it past 12 months. Now there are anniversaries of sorts that I'm living through. ..a year since she told me...13 months since we hit (what I thought was rock bottom), 14 months...and so on. 1. We are much better when I think of how things were before her affair,..our marriage is more intimate, we communicate better , and we really like to be with each other - like we're really on the same team. 2. That being said, things are not easy for me. She, I think is good and sorry and happy to have her life back from a dark place. Me, it's hard to really trust her from when she lied to me. And while I have to trust her, this has to be rebuilt and will take time. Ugh. To anyone reading this, if you have made it this far, just hang in there. 3. I want to hit this other person, but know its not him. As it could have been anyone else. I did write a letter to him, that i never mailed, and it made me feel better. 4. I know I need to make it through a few more anniversaries - she moved out on April 1 of last year - and moved back in a week later. She needed space - got it - hated it - and came back. When I get past this, I think another milestone wil be reached and I'll be looking back on better times. Note: if you are the hurt partner, and yes, part of the affair was your fault - don't beat yourself up too much. If you were a good spouse, and were happy, chances are your spouse was the one with more of the issues. For your marriage to truly get beyond even where you thought it was good (and trust me it can get better) then your spouse needs to get better. My wife has been in therapy for a year really working on fixing / understanding issues from her childhood (her father left her when she was 6). I know we'll make it through - but it takes 2. Me to learn to trust her again without being withdrawn along the way and her to be vulnerable to me and let me into her life. The vulnerability breeds intimacy. And intimacy breeds a good, lasting relationship.


This was posted a long time ago, so I'm curious, how are things now? It sounds like you and I were in the same position and I wanted to see how you both were doing even further down the road.

any update?

I am in the same situation. Any update? Wish all the best!

It's been over 2 years and

It's been over 2 years and I'm still not over it. I try to walk around with a smile but its tearing me up inside. I am trying to stay in it for the kids but I am just so unhappy. I am even sad at work after finding out. I just don't feel like things will ever be normal. If people really know how this would make their spouse feel maybe they wouldn't do it. But there is always a willing person that don't respect marriages.

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