Anger and the Unfaithful Spouse

Samuel shares insight into why the unfaithful spouse is angry and how to process through it.

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Wish I had this 3 years ago

My exH MARRIED his affair partner one year after we divorced. To this day he is still angry at me. The other week he told me to "admit I was never happy in our marriage." I told him he can't tell me how I feel. It just didn't make sense why he would bring that up 3 years after HE FILED for divorce. I finally could see the underlying guilt and shame hidden in his demands. If he could get me to admit I wasn't happy then he could let himself off the hook. If I was his new wife I would be extremely bithered about his anger at me but I suppose that fuels their relationship. I have had a lot of counseling and this website is amazing. My situation didn't turn out like I wanted it but I love more deeply and am more thankful for what I have. My ex never pursued healing and jumped into a new marriage. I am still single but have finally met someone. The whole experience has helped me be a better person. It just bothers me that I couldn't get through to my ex and that 3 years later he is still as angry as when it began. It's amazing how destructive anger can be if you don't get help.

Unfaithful's Anger

Thanks Samuel for that insight into the unfaithful's anger. Another reason my unfaithful husband was angry was because I just spoiled all his fun. The secrecy and sneaking around is part of the excitement. After I found out about 1 month later the AP's husband found out and that really changed the dynamic of the affair relationship and not for the better. That's when they both began to see each other's true colors and things weren't so rosy anymore. Three and 1/2 months after my discovery the affair was over.

Getting counseling but still angry

Samuel, great blog, but I am still angry within myself and now see that maybe thats why I have not been very empathetic towards my bride as I should be. I am constantly destroying myself on the inside of all I did before I got caught and finally came to terms of having a sex addiction for over 8+ years. Is it normal to compartmentalize these things or block stuff or just forget, because it hurts. I think the shame of what I have done has kept me from being truthful at times and not able to tell her stuff, but that is wrong, because she finds out and it kills all the progress.
Financially I have ruined us i think from spending so much on APs and now I cant help make my Brides dreams come true. I am hoping that the counselors I am talking with will help with the anger inside of me, so I can show her my love properly.

great questions....

BillA55, great thoughts/questions.  when we hate ourselves or the like, we focus on us and again, make it about us.  we don't make it about our spouse and their pain and hurt.  you're being, as Rick would call it, 'selfish with your shame' as you're allowing the focus to be on you and what choices you made, rather than about her and her pain and her hurt.  you may also be angry at you but it's coming out as anger on her and pushing her away, further wounding her and again, as i was an expert at, making it about you not her.  this series will help on shame:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame  you have much work to do friend.  like forgiving yourself which will the help you find freedom to be purely empathetic to her and what you've done to her.  what sort of world view do you come from?  that will help me make some suggestions as well for you if i know that.  we have scholarships for all the online courses my friend.  go here to apply for a scholarship to any program we have, minus the in person weekend:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request  

you'll get through this.  if i k now more about your worldview i can help with forgivness for you which will then spill over into compassion for her and what you've put her through.  till then, you run the risk of again, being about you and your pain and not hers and her need for healing. does that make sense?

 

My world view

Samuel, not sure exactly what my world view is? I grew up in rural Pennsylvania, both parents are alive and still married to each other. I joined the Army at 18 and still serving 27+ years later. Always seen as the fixer and strong. My issue is I am in a living hell within my own brain. Ever since I was busted and came to terms that I am a sex addict, all I thin about is the pain I caused and not those women. She asked me if I loved any of them,I gave some real thought and its a NO. I was in love with getting my fix to try and satisfy myself and it grew from online porn to meeting one for real and having oral sex. She doesnt believe me, but I never went all the way with anyone, but I am sure I would of if I didnt get caught. I thank God I was busted. I put so much of specific things I did out of my head, but that makes her mad. Now there have been some coincidences that looks like I am contacting the APs and I have not been. This is causing her blood pressure to be high and not healthy. There are many days that I want to find a hole and stay in it or not wake up at all. I am scared, because the migraines are getting worse and nothing I say is worthwhile these days cause of all I have destroyed. I pray I can fix the finances.
I can't focus or concentrate on things and I forget things, not on purpose. I feel I am rambling now.
I don't know what to do??

BillA55 thanks for posting

BillA55....thank you for your honesty...before I forget, waht are these 'coincidences' that you refer to?  that's concerning my friend, either way so can you elaborate on that????  first I would, if you haven't already, have a moment with the Lord and repent of our choices.  repent of what you've done to your relationship wit the Lord for your choices, then repent for what you've done to your wife and then repent for what you've done to yourself.  we know that if we confess our sins he hears us.  and forgives us.   then, i would forgive yourself for doing what you've done.  accept it.  embrace it.  you can't change it.  then, receive the forgiveness and accept your reality and start to do recovery work.  do hope for healing.  apply for a scholarship if you need to. get serious.  as many of my own military friends say, 'don't  freeken try, DO.'  do sign up for hope for healing and take the class.  do apply for a scholarship if need be.  do the bootcamp on the site?  hav eyou?  it's here if not:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp  if you feel like your thoughts are spiraling out of control, have you considered seeing a dr for some meds even if temporarily?  maybe something to simply take the edge off if you feel like you can't control things... admit you're not strong enough to fix this on your own my friend.  admit your weakness.  admit that this is bigger than you and your power to control and ask God to help you.  the more you focus on your shame your pain your mistakes, you're actually being prideful in my opinion.  you're focusing on YOU and not her.  YOUR pain and shame not HER pain and hurt and brokenness.  its being prideful in a counter intuitive way and it's hurting everyone involved in your situation.  we think our self loathing is actually good, but it's being wrapped up in apity party and focusing on YOU not her.  hope this makes sense and hope you embrace it.  let me know your thoughts in response. 

 

shame

I understand and have problems with shame. I accept what I did and take full responsibility. I can separate my actions and the condition of my heart years ago (we are several years into recovery) with who I am now. My problem lies when I begin to focus on all the things I did. If not careful I spiral down into the darkness of shame. But how do you move on and stay out of that when your spouse reminds you on almost a daily basis of what you did? At least 2-3 times a week it gets ugly and I'm told how I'm a cheater, lier, scum, trash, no character, ruined the lives of everyone including my children and even my unborn grandchildren, been a horrible father, evil, etc. and this goes on sometimes for hours. I start off apologizing and trying to stay in present but that gives way and before I know it I'm hating myself and just wanting to die. I hate what I did and if there was a way to go back I would. I never wanted to leave my family. I always loved them but that falls on deaf ears and I would be the same way. I "compartmentalized". I know people hate that word. Am I the only one who ever had a long term affair with a coworker but loved their family and really didn't want to lose family and wanted a life with spouse and family yet continued with the affair? I know it would be touchy but have you ever done an article or vlog on how that happens?

good question...

i have touched on it a few times here and there.  it sounds like your spouse is torturing you and shaming you....it's normal and understandable.  she also needs healing as you need healing.  have you done any recovery work?  if she's doing what she's doing to you almost every day then it's essential you both get the help you need to heal.  you're not the only one at all, but you need a bit of an intervention if you're going to heal and change the dynamic operating in your life now.  here is the series on shame for you both to read which will help immensely:   https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame  

while it's understandable she is in pain and struggling....you'll need to get her help to process her pain while also helping you be able to empathize with her and help her feel safe.  would she do the ems weekend with you?  you can read about here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend happy to keep talking with you about options....thanks for watching and commenting.

 

 

Thank you for replying. We

Thank you for replying. We both saw counselors individually and as a couple but stopped many months ago. She didn't feel it was helpful. I love her so much. Many of the things I've read and seen refer to how sometimes the betrayed try to win back the unfaithful but in my case it's the opposite. While I did things I never would've thought I'd do, I realize now that I had everything a person would ever want right in front of me. The level of her anger is proportional to the level of hurt which is proportional to her love for me and commitment to me prior to the affair. She gave all her love and life for me. She sacrificed for me and our marriage yet I squandered it away. Now I'm wanting my marriage back. I have given her access to my phone, texts, facebook, emails, have a tracking device on my phone, tell her everywhere I go and everything I do. I think she is suffering from PTSD or PISD. It has been several years and we still struggle. She does not want to do recovery work because in her mind I'm not worth it. She sees things a certain way and has her mind made up. I hurt as I write this because I know she is in pain and I hate to sound critical of her because she can't help what I did to her. She never did anything to deserve this. I can't erase the images in my mind of her crying and broken when she found out and many times since. She is suffering now because she doesn't trust me or love me yet she wants to stay in the marriage to protect everyone else. I just can't believe I destroyed this person. There are times I just want to give up because I don't know what else I can do but then I feel selfish when I see her in this horrible state from my actions. I will continue to work on myself and read the series on shame, but even that sounds selfish like I came in and destroyed and left a mess and didn't fix what I messed up.

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