Are You Afraid of Yourself?

Samuel shares more about he and Samantha's past and how early on, he was terrified of himself.

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Be Afraid, be very afraid

I know your blog was kind of sort of directed to the unfaithful, but on D-day and for a couple of days after I was very afraid of myself. I did not know I was capable of such rage and hate. I physically attached my husband when he refused to disclose the name of his AP. We have NEVER EVER had violence in our relationship. He will tell you the look it had scared him. I told him to leave the house for his own safety. I had a friend take my car keys to prevent me from confronting the AP. I was terrified of what I might do and I never knew those feelings lay within me. I used to watch the TV shows about crimes and hear people say "I saw red, I just snapped, I really don't remember thinking about it, and the next thing I know so and so was dead." After this I have a whole new understanding of those sorts of statements.

you're exactly right slm

i saw that too after i watched it and felt the same thing.  the production process isn't easy to fix or edit once filming is done, but i so agree with you.  samantha said the same thing and it's a great observation about it.  when we are traumatized, we don't fully process things the right way and can, go to a place emotionally we've never been before.  enter ptsd often times as well.  so thank you for sharing it as I believe it's a very true statement that the betrayed is afriad of themselves, their anger and their hurt as well.  as always, thanks so much for commenting and watching.

 

numbness

Thanks Sam. Another really helpful vlog.

Its been 5 years now since DD and really only in the last 6 months I have felt some sense of believing in myself. That sense of aloofness, numbness was certainly there. Just living in reaction mode not really being responsive or have much confidence.

Yes, it still scares me of what I am capable of doing. It keeps me 'sober' as such.

Keep up the great work,

thanks so much for that

means a ton my friend.   you're exactly right:  scares us so much it keeps us sober in many ways.  it's always going to be there, as a reminder and to keep us from going backwards.  so glad you're on the site.  thank you for watching and posting. 

 

Fear of myself

The first thing I did after “disclosure”....
I’m from Texas, and I have firearms in my bedside table for anyone crazy enough to enter my home in the middle of the night. I’m also ex military. I took the 3 guns in my nightstand, unloaded them and tossed the bullets and the guns on the bed, along with any drugs I might overdose on and told my husband to hide them all and hide them well. Maybe I watch too much ID network but I could totally see him saying something ridiculous that would make it impossible to contain the rage I felt towards him. I also felt so much shame about staying that I contemplated suicide. I am so grateful that he had the ability to “hear” me in that moment. Infidelity CAN turn you into your darkest and scariest self. Either side should listen to the voices that help them deny the darkness that resides in all of us. Thank you so much for your blogs. They have truly saved me from myself.

thanks for the comment ablair

means so much you'd comment and share some great encouragement my friend.  we were on vacation, so my apologies for the delay.  but thank you for watching and commenting.  thank you also for not doing anything stupid that could have changed your life and their life forever.  i know it's tough to not reach out and lash out and take matters into your own hands.  it only creates more pain and collateral damage.  i know you know that.  proud of you.  

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