Are you Chasing your Spouse?

Samuel, Alumnus
Submitted by Samuel 10 years 11 months

Are you a betrayed spouse, chasing your spouse into recovery? Today I discuss why that is probably doing a disservice to the recovery process and the ultimate restoration of your marriage.

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What to read next

How Can the Unfaithful Spouse Pursue & Win Back the Betrayed’s Heart after Infidelity or Addiction?
Surviving Infidelity Series: Why Managing Your Partner’s Repair Work Doesn’t Work
Healing After an Affair or Addiction: Helping a Couple Move From Transaction to Transformation
Self-Sabotaging the Affair Recovery Process: Help for the Betrayed
Healing Betrayal Trauma: Why 'Let's Just Talk About It Later' Doesn't Work

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Submitted by christa0107 on 10 years 11 months

I went back and watched this again today and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that I need to set the boundaries that you mention. I need to develop consequences for when my spouse does not either meet my needs or does something that is not in the best interest of healing the marriage. My question is where do I start? How do I know what boundaries or consequences to set? I would appreciate any insight that you can provide about where to start to develop some of those consequences you refer to.

Submitted by Samuel on 10 years 11 months
sorry christa i was out of town but am back now. for starters, you have to see what makes you feel safe and unsafe. i would itemize out some things for your spouse and say look when these things happen i feel unsafe. 1. no unaccounted for time. (if i cant reach you, my mind wanders) a simple text or phone call when he's leaving work, or etc is great. being able to reach him when he's on a trip for example if he travels. samantha said if i can't reach you within five minutes i'm wondering what's going on (that was early on, a few months into restoration). if i didn't call or text quickly she was going to be upset and i knew i had about five minutes and even if i was with a client, i was to find a way to call or text asap or just take the call. 2. setting a protocol for what to do when memories come is important.. that you can talk to him and he wil talk you off the ledge quickly and not tell you to get over it or move on etc. that he will listen to you and give you some air time to share and cry if you need to. 3. that he has no other phones at all but his one phone and you have the password to enter it at any time and that you can grab his phone at any time and sift through it. 4. that you have all his email/social media passwords etc 5. that there is no are of his life that you cannot get into at any time if you need to. this is usually early on in recovery, but still, years later samantha can get into any of my accounts or info at any time. 5. you can view his phone records any time and see who he's communicating with. those are some examples of boundaries that you need to feel safe. and then i'd read this article for an example of how to communicate with him and how to think about some consequences for him if he will not live this way: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling please let me know if this helps and what other q's you have. thanks for watching and commenting.

Submitted by christa0107 on 10 years 11 months

Thank you so much! I am working on focusing more on me and what I am doing to advance my recovery and less on what he is NOT doing to help my recovery. We are six months post EMS Weekend and our entire small group seems to be in crisis so I have to think that although we are at different places places in our journeys in terms of days/months/years post d-day there has to be something about this six months post-EMS that is particularly challenging. I appreciate your feedback and I will watch that video you recommended.

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on 10 years 11 months

this is a brilliant clip about not chasing your spouse. Husband moved out 9 months ago after confessing an affair, i tried to understand and emailed him as he did not explain why at the time of his departure, without full knowledge I invited him back for his birthday, he spent christmas with us etc then after christmas he got his solicitor to send me a letter asking me to file for divorce against him on adultery. he has never explained why, any details or what happened although I now know the identity of the affair partner. After some time and reluctantly i have filed for divorce. i feel "ghosted" after more than 10 yrs of marriage and 2 children - like he just walked and then required me to do the clearing up after he left without much restoration. i asked him to do counselling etc a few times but he refused after which I did not pursue him. Many of the blogs on this site are about the unfaithful at least wanting or at some point showing some sign of wanting to test the waters as to what went wrong - with me it genuinely feels like he tried nothing at all. I agree with your clip that I cannot really do anything if he does not want to. all i know is he is still extremely angry but has not told me exactly what he is angry about

Submitted by Samuel on 10 years 11 months
joanna,..i'm so sorry for your pain. often times the anger comes from shame for what he's done and who he's become. so he's angry at himself but projecting or taking it out on you. also, anger usually is from resentment in these situations so he may feel a ton of resentment towards you and it comes off as anger as he's not able to face it or tackle it or sift through it to find healing and insight ya know? i'm sorry for it all. the pain is immense i'm sure and when the unfaithful is angry, it throws you for a loop. but many times they are angry due to the shame they are feeling, or the anger they stuffed down for years and now it's all come back to them. hope that helps. thanks for watching.

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on 10 years 11 months

Samuel thank you for your reply
It means so much
Again I repeat this website and your blog and clips are just awesome - incredible - so needed by millions of marriages and you guys are brilliantly honest and insighful
thank you

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 6 years 10 months

My husband returned from a 6 month deployment and after 2 weeks of his return I learned of his affair. The AP lives 15 mins from our home. Within 6 days he moved into an apartment. We started marriage counseling and at the 4th session he stated he wants a divorce. After not speaking for 11 days, I learned he dropped his cell phone from our family plan and opened an account with a different provider. I decided to speak to him about this. During our call I asked him if he really wanted the divorce. He said some days yes and some no. I suggested lets live separately as we have been and take divorce off the table. However, he do not communicate with me at all unless its finances. How long is a reasonable separation? I am trying to give him time to figure his self out and have mentioned he needs to seek a professional. He stated he tried marriage counseling and that didn't work (after 4 sessions and no work on his part).

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